The Three Little Pigs and Elvis



Once upon a time there were three little pigs. Their dad ate himself to death and left them some land. After fighting over the will for a while, the three pigs decided to devide it three ways.
The first little pig was an igonrant slob who liked nothing better than to sit around in his dirty boxer shorts and drink beer. This little pig made his home from his empty beer cans and other trash. This made the property value go down for the other two.
The second little pig was a devote Elvis fan. He fondly referred to his home as "little graceland". He decorated his home with memorabilia from The King. His windows had velvet paintings for draps. His yard was bedecked with statues of The King and the Virgi Mary, whom the second pig refered to ad Priscilla. The yard was very tacky and made property values go down even lower.
The third little pig was a shrewd businessman and the smartest of the three (Which isn't saying much). He saw that their land was a prime location for developing condos. His biggest problem was that his idiot brothers refused to be bought out. His every attempt at reasoning with them failed.
One day the third little pig was visiting his brothers when something inside him snapped. he grabbed a butcher knife and chased them around yelling "Su-eeey!" After a while he regained his senses and realized with horror what he was trying to do. He spent hours trying to convince his brothers that he wouldn't hurt them.

That evening, as he was sitting and ashamedly thinking of his behavior, an evil though started to form in his head but it was a vague one. He turned on the TV hoping to be inspired when he saw it. The answer. An advertisement. A wolf in a three piece suit sat in an office. The wolf was talking and asking questions of the viewers.

"Hello ladies and gentlemen, I am a representative for my firm, Wolves and Knives. We offer a specialty service. To determine whether or not you need our services answer the following questions honestly.

"Is your life not perfect because someone else is not doing what you want and need? Do you think your life would be better without them? Do you want them dead? And most importantly, would you pay for the service? We will arange for any type of death you wish. All you have to do is call. The number is is 1-800-HIM-DEAD. Once again that's 1-800-HIM-DEAD. Remember all you have to do is pick up the phone and call."

After each question the third little pig screamed" Yes!!", quite lustily. Before he he realized it he had picked up the phone and dialed the number.

"Hello, this is Wolves and Knives. May I help you?"
"Do you kill people?"
" Yes sir, we do."
"What about pigs. Would you kill pigs?"
"Yes sir, but it may cost extra."
The third little pig went to bed with visions of wolves, knives and mutilated pigs dancinf in his head.
When he got up in the morning he dressed carefully and left for his appointment. He got to the office just in time, and was seen immediately. The wolf behind the desk looked to be the scholarly type and didn't seem capable of hurting a fly. Unless you looked into his eyes. There hid a malice which suggested he would as soon kill you as look at you. The third little pig though that he was his type of guy. He was jolted back to reality when the pig began to speak.

"Mr Pig I must warn you that murder is a serious matter. You must have a good reason to kill someone. Could you pleas explain your situation?"
"I own a great piece of property that would ve great for building condos on. The problem is my two brothers. They own adjacent properties. One is a slob, and the other is an insane decorator. I tried to get them to sell me their land, but they have resfused all reason. I know now I must have them killed."
"Well now, that seems resonable enough. We just have to work out the details. what did you have in mind?"
" Well, now that seems reasonable enough. We just have to work out the details. What did you have in mind?"
The third little pig was a very happy man when he left the office. So happy in fact, that he missed the wolf's strange grin as he read the contract the pig signed.

Over the next week the third little pig practiced pretending to be shocked and saddened. He got to try his act five days after visiting Wolves and Knives. A police man knocked on the door and requested to be let in. The officer had trouble looking him in the eyes.
"Mr Pig, I am sad to tell you that your brother, F.L. Pig, has met with a grievious accident. he was apparently watcing TV in his home when the accident occured. His house colapsed and he was crushed to death. I offer you my condolaces."
The third little pig begain to cry and wail. he must have put on quite a convincing show, seeing how the officer called a neighbor to stay with him. he couldn't wait for them to leave because he could hardly contain his happiness.
A week later he was trying to settle a over-due bill on the phone, when he was met at the door by a second grim officer.
"Mr. Pig, your brother S.L. Pig has been murdered. The neighbors say an Elvis impersonator disembowled your brother on his front lawn. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news."
When the third little pig got to his brother's house he saw the ambulance rush away. He got out of his car and walked into the yard. He saw red covering the largest of the Virgin Mary statues. He looked more closely at it and when he stood in front of it he said "Poor Pricscilla, you'll never be the same, will you?"
To his horror the statue rocked and became unbalanced. he backed away, whimpering, and as he turned the statue started to slowly fall forward...
The last thing the third little pig could hear was someone say "and neither will you1" and the voice laughed. His last thought was how like the wolf's voice it was.
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