The first wail

Great Expectations

The first wail - my first wail signified a new addition to the family and also extra burden upon my parents. I was given the name Saw Li Mei by my parents. Born to a pair of impecunious parents, I was the only child in the family. I carried the burden of having to please both my parents in every aspect. Sometimes I wish I had a sibling to share my burden with. When both my parents went to work, I was left under the care of my grandparents. I grew up seeing more of my grandparents than my parents. Although whenever I did spend time with them, they would tell me that they were putting all their hopes in me. This added further to my "situation". My parents wanted me to be a somebody, lead a better life than them and most of all, to get an education.

I was neither the brain of the class nor did I have the gift of the gap. Even while in primary school, I felt like a failure. I could not live up to my parents' hopes and dreams. I was merely an average in the class. I could not stand out in my class at all. I was a nothing in my mind's eye what more in my parents' eyes. All throughout my primary school years, I was shy, reserved and quiet; Never wanting to mix with my friends as I felt I was not of the same class as all of them. During recess, I would eat quietly in the corner all alone with a book in my hand. Some classmates of mine tried approaching me but I think it was the way I acted towards them that kind of "scared" them away. I didn't know how to behave or re-act. Later on in primary school, I was nicknamed "The Weird One" or "The Almighty Weird One". It was terrible hearing such names and yet I did nothing to change my reputation.

As the years passed by, I learnt that education did not only mean what you study in books. It includes everything from Mathematics to socialising. I tried putting down my books for a while to try this new found "lesson" of mine. I was lucky enough to be sitting behind a really friendly girl, Jennifer. She realised that I was trying to socialise and helped me get to know the others. At first it was very difficult for me - remembering all their names and what they liked to do. As time flew by, I eventually got hold of their names and became one of them. I finally felt like I could fit in somewhere all thanks to Jennifer. She instantly became my best friend.

By the time I was in the last year of primary school, I had already made many friends. It was like I was transforming from the freak to a normal being. I was none the happiest at this point in life. When I was at home, I would prepare myself for the upcoming exams. At the dinner table, I would talk to my parents about what happened in school, what my friends and I did that day and lots more. This year, too I managed to land one of the top ten positions in the form. I was enraptured but my parents wanted me to do better. I was shocked that they weren't happy with what I had achieved. In that instant, my heart sank. From being on top of the world, I shrank right down into the bottom of the sea. Before I knew it, it was time for us to start secondary school already. It felt somewhat like going to Standard One again, as everything was very new to us. The teacher, the school, even the uniform was different! But it was fun to start all over again and this time with many friends beside me. I tried my best and managed to maintain my top ten position throughout secondary school. During this time, I wanted to please my parents so bad that I studied day and night sometimes even refusing to go out with my friends just so that I could spend more time with my books.

Finally the time came for us to assess what we had learnt throughout our schooling years. SPM, it came and it went. I was a nervous wreck throughout the period when we had to wait for our results. They finally came out three months later. I was totally thrown off when I learnt that I had managed to score 9 A's out of 10 A's. This was the only time that I recall my parents actually being happy for me. There was a lot of laughing and crying and hugging when I told them my results. I took this as praise from my parents although it did not come out literally from their mouths.

I applied for many scholarships in hope that I would be able to get one in spite of my lack of participation in co-curricular activities. I was discouraged by my parents to join these activities last time. Instead, they wanted me to stay home and study. Many a time had I tried to tell them what I had in my mind but because of the way I was raised, that was never to talk back to your elders, I held my tongue. It could be so frustrating sometimes trying to explain to them nicely and having to shut up after that only to be bombarded by words that don't make sense to you.

While waiting for an answer for a scholarship, I decided to take up a job as a waitress in a popular teenage hangout. This way, I could still meet my friends and earn money at the same time.

One sunny afternoon, while I was walking home from work, I saw the postman deliver some letters to my house. I quickly rushed to the mailbox to see if today might be the lucky day whereby I get my full scholarship to board the knowledge ship. I scanned through the mail. I saw three brown envelopes addressed to me. My heart raced as my shaky fingers tore the envelope open. I scanned through the letter and immediately recognised this letter as a rejection letter. Standing under the hot sun, I breathed a sigh of hope and prayed for me to be accepted in the other two letters. I then closed my eyes and tore the second envelope open. My heart skipped a beat when I read that I was being accepted on a 100% scholarship to Australia for 3 years. I breathed a sigh of relief. I then opened the next letter. It was another rejection letter. I felt internally bruised but was still relieved that I had the other scholarship. I raced inside to tell the rest of my family. I couldn't wait until dinnertime to tell my parents about this good news so I called them over the phone. This time, I could hear total joy in their voices.

Three months later, I embarked on the plane that was about to change the rest of my life forever. After a teary goodbye, I strode towards my boarding plane. I spent 9 hours on the plane thinking of what awaited me in this foreign land. Finally, we landed at the Melbourne airport. There, I was greeted by the representative of my college. I was walking on air at that moment. Everything looked so new and nice that I couldn't wait to explore it on my own.

A week later, after much exploring around my hostel and college, I started schooling again. But this time, it was rather different as I was able to relax more often than when I was still schooling back in Malaysia. I enjoyed myself a lot over there.

On one rainy and gloomy evening, I received a telephone call from home. It was my aunt telling me that my parents had been in a terrible car accident and my father had died earlier on but my mother was now on a self-respiratory machine. I was torn inside and outside. It was like my nightmares had all come true. And all of it was mixed into one ball aimed to hit me down. Tears started streaming down my face as I put down the phone receiver. I felt like I had lost my whole world. The pain gnawing in me was indescribable. I told my roommate who was kind enough to take the necessary actions so that I could return home. I took the midnight flight home. All through the journey, I could not help but pray and hope for a miracle to happen. Tears flowed down my cheeks in streams that were never-ending.

When I reached the hospital, I was already too late. My mother had gone to meet with my father up above. My knees grew weak when I was told that. I broke down into loud cries of distress and anguish. Eventually, my cries subsided into sobs. I had never felt anything go so wrong in such a short time in my whole entire lifetime.

After weeks of roaming about aimlessly, with comfort from both my grandparents who by now were reaching the age of 90, I decided I had to get on with my life. What's gone is gone and cannot be brought back although the memory of those gone will always be in your heart.

The days flew by and eventually, they turned into years. After three long years of hard work, I was going to graduate!

It started to rain on the morning of my auspicious day. I wondered where my parents were right now. Were they celebrating this day with me or do they not know I am about to graduate? The sky suddenly cleared up. The rays of the sun came in. I looked up into the sky as the rays of the sun fell gently onto my face. I could see it smiling at me. It was an answer from my parents up above. At long last, I have been able to achieve their hopes and dreams but most of all - their approval.