thursday, april 4, 2002
dreams of you
"Was there a word for the way you winced, recalling a former affection, that place in your rib cage that briefly collapsed, your glance that no longer lingered but skimmed over "his" face like a skipped stone over water?" -- antonya nelson, Female Trouble
saturday, april 6, 2002
drawn into the rhythm of the sea
rhythm... i think i just learned how to actually spell that word. all those years playing piano.. ugh. my mother would not be proud.
rhythm... yup. i feel like i've definitely lost mine. half the time i don't know what i'm doing... where i'm going... it's all so overwhelming. i want so badly to feel like i'm a part of the real world. then, when i get there i can't stand it. i mean... when things start working right for me i go crazy. gah. i want adventure but i can't handle that either. so i sit in the middle of this place that doesn't really let me into either side... normal or adventure... does any of this make sense?
sunday, april 7, 2002
holding onto me
holding out on me
Stuck in this place
while those around
me live their lives
holding onto me
holding out on me
Teetering between good
days and bad - by whose
definition
holding onto me
holding out on me
Struggling to be a
part of something that
doesn't play fair
---me, april 6, 2002
sturggling to be a part of something that doesn't play fair... that best describes me at the moment. i want to be a part of my life - want to stop things from just happening - want to be a part of a decision to make them happen. it's not a control thing really... i just feel like i sit back and let chaos run my life for me. several times i've said i feel frozen in muck. it doesn't let anything in or out. so i sit dorment in a very changing world. this week i wish to take action against it all. i wish to move forward through it - leave it behind to suffocate something other than me.
monday, april 8, 2002
what's it like to be
Now come on shot gun bride what makes me envy your life? Faceless, nameless, innocent, blameless and free, what's that like to be? -- natalie merchant, motherland
i have this perfect friend - don't we all. she's done everything right in her life. did well in school, got her doctorate, a nice wedding and husband... they have a beautiful house and a new little boy to call their own. and of course she's thin and beautiful herself.
i read my dad's last guestbook entry and cried. i feel like i'm torturing them with this illness. one day i'm up and the next i'm fighting to stay alive. it is that hard... hard to stay above water... and i can't imagine being a parent and watching their child go through it all. i'm 35. it's not like i can live with them and let them hold my hand when i'm sad. they have to sit back and watch it all happen to me. i wish i was like my friend.... then they wouldn't have to worry so...
what's it like to wake up in the morning and really want to go on with the day? what's it like to be happy?
thursday, april 11, 2002
there you are
three thousand five hundred miles away... what would you say if you could...
sunday, april 14, 2002
you are all that i can see
i couldn't ask for better weather today.. it was damn near 80 degrees... nice cool breeze. i'd love to be home by the lake right now... the lake that i grew up on. go down and sit on the pier. lay back and look up at the stars... stars aren't visible here in chicago. i might still go outside tonight and look up at the sky... see what i see... wonder if you are seeing the same thing.
it's gorgeous out... i'm going for a walk... see ya there.
Where I Go
-natalie merchant
Climbing under
a barbed wire fence
by the railroad ties
climbing over
the old stone wall
I am bound for the riverside
well I go to the river
to soothe my mind
ponder over
the crazy days of my life
just sit and watch the river flow
find a place
on the riverbank
where the green rushes grow
see the wind
in the willow tree
in the branches hanging low
well I go to the river
to soothe my mind
to ponder over
the crazy days of my life
watch the river flow
ease my mind and my soul
where I go
well I will go to the river
from time to time
wander over
these crazy days in my mind
watch the river flow
where the willow branches grow
by the cool rolling waters
moving gracefully and slow
child it's lovely
let the river take it all away
the mad pace, the hurry
the troubles, the worries
just the river take them all away
flow away
monday, april 15, 2002
tangled in my head
I recognize the walls inside me
I recognize them all
I've paced between them
chasing demons down
until they fall
in fitful sleep
enough to keep their strength
enough to crawl
into my head
with tangled threads
they riddle me to solve
-- natalie merchant,
i may know the word
i've been listening to natalie merchant's Tigerlily lately... she has a new one out. i like this one better. you'll see some more lyrics from it before this month is through.
less than two weeks ago it was spitting snow... today it was 87 degrees. gotta love chicago weather. i'm not going to complain much. i'll take this weather - give me air conditioning but i'll take it.
tuesday, april 16, 2002
a good friend
i was going to talk about a friend of mine tonight... she really made me angry. but i decided not to go there... this place isn't a place for me to come bitch about little things. it's my place to come and bleed when i need to... sing when i want... it's my selfish corner of the world. i haven't been doing much with it lately. i just don't feel like i've got the words to express what's really going on inside my body. my "illness" has become so physical lately.
i woke up this morning from a dream... in it i was telling my mom that my heart feels like it's inside shivering as if it were freezing all the time. it quivers with anxiety... i haven't felt peaceful in God knows how long. my insides churn 24/7. my stomach has been constantly upset for weeks now. i thought maybe it was just anxiety about my job. but, this week i've been off for spring break and i'm still sick all the time. it's frightening... i literally cry sometimes because i feel like i have no control over my body. i feel like i'm on satan's rollercoaster and it climbs and climbs and then just drops off... and i fall through the air... when i land i get up and do it all over again.
my friend said she feels like i talk about my illness as if i'm proud of it. oh yeah, i'm proud of this. i'm proud of feeling like an 8 year old who is scared and tired all the time. yeah, right, i'm proud of it. so... i ended up going talking about it after all. wasn't going to let her upset me... wasn't going to talk about it here. i just can't believe that she, of all people, someone who has been through and is still going through what i'm experiencing... says i seem proud of it. makes me sick just thinking about it. i'm tired - tired and a wee bit frightened of the feelings i'm having. frightened... not proud.
thursday, april 18, 2002
the letter - natalie merchant
If I ever write this letter
the pages I could write
but I don't know where to send it
you have vanished
heaven knows where you live
heaven only knows
----
but if I ever write this letter
the truth it would reveal
knowing you brought me pleasure
how I'll often treasure
moments that we knew
the precious, the few
until i was 30 my parents lived in the same house where i was born... my neighbors had been there just as long - some are still there - it wasn't a changing neighborhood. i remember when a boy i grew up with told me that they might move to the other side of the lake. i was crushed. it seemed so far away. we'd been friends for as long as we could walk. he was my little brother. what would i do? and, how could his family possibly consider moving away. my world, for a moment, was turning upside down.
change
i've never done change well. things are changing alot... at the moment a friend that i've talked to for nearly 3 years has sorta been MIA. i haven't really been around much myself. i don't know where he's been... and anymore, i don't know where he's going. but for a time we talked alot... he'd tell me things about his world and i'd tell him about my mine. he'd managed to stick around even when i was going nuts. he's not a little brother or anything... but, oddly enough, his name is the same as the little boy i grew up with... who, incidently never moved across the lake.
change
i've been known to do just about anything to avoid change. but this one... i'm not going to fight it. i'll let him go. i suppose it's time, after all, nothing lasts forever - especially something like this. but, i'll remember how often he brought peace in times when i couldn't deal with my life... *shrug* i'll remember all sorts of things. i hate saying goodbye. i suppose i should. i should probably thank him for every last thing he's meant to me too. but he'll read this and really think i'm nuts... or maybe he won't ever read this again. he's on the other side of the world, after all - not the other side of the lake... and i can't hold onto things forever - especially when they were never mine to hold onto in the beginning. *shrug* i don't know. i just don't know.
saturday, april 20, 2002
in my eyes
don't ya know i feel the darkness closing in...
you are pushing me into things that
i desire to ignore. i've warned you
of the pain and fear in me. there
is a place where i go to be safe
and i need to go there now even if
i still feel you tugging on my arm
trying to keep me in this space.
let me go now before i quit.
i need a feeling of freedom from the demons.
you try to convince me of your own but
life can't prove anything to me right now.
all of this makes very little sense
but it's a world i'm creating and
one day it will make sense to everyone.
so, let me go now before i quit.
-- me, april 20, 2002
monday, april 22, 2002
this year's love
touching upon the years of reaching
in and reaching out...
i love the way you smile at me
i love the way your hands reach
out and hold me near
i believe... this is heaven to no one else but me
..... would you try to understand...
i would linger here in silence if i choose too....
will you hold onto me? i am feeling frail...
i wanted to be so perfect, you see
ah, yes, nothing like sitting around listening to a cd you made for someone but were too afraid to send... the songs are so perfect. perfect for someone or something... at the time... a way to hang on to what you want to be sooo real. i wrote a poem once about songs... i'll scronge around and see if i can't find it.... maybe... maybe not. have a nice night... i miss you turtle... i miss you lots...
tuesday, april 23, 2002
ain't life so sweet...
don't ya notice life goes on... God do i notice!
hrmm
life AIN'T been so sweet lately - but then, ya know that. you ALL know that ALL too well. i'm sorry i keep repeating myself. wait. no. i'm not sorry. this sucks and it's hard and i want it to stop. i don't know what to believe about anything. one minute my life is red the next it's blue... right side up and then upside down.
all i want to do is sit here and listen to the same old songs and pout. oh, and cry now and then... yes! it's that fucking difficult to live normally. if i could just reach into the place in my heart that holds on so tightly to miserable things.... if i could find it... if i could... i don't know what would happen. what would i do with all the vomit that has piled up there? well of course, i'd get rid of it and life would be happy and sunny and fun again.
hrmm
and this is making sense? uh. no. it's not... and that's nothing unusual for me. i was reading some of the quotes i've compiled. many of them talk about confusion... confusion is my middle name - even on a good day. Jesus! right now i want to curl up in a ball and cry and wish for things to get better. just make the physical uncomfort go away. go away damn it! if only i could separate myself from the vomit.
well. i've managed to write another entry of bullshit... i can tuck it safely away with the vomit that exists deep inside my heart. such lovely thoughts from such a lovely woman... yup. that would be me. alright. i'm outta here. take care......
wednesday, april 24, 2002
a poem borrowed...
I'm past the point of going
quietly insane.
I'm getting quite
noisy about it.
The neighbors must think
I'm mad.
The neighbors, for once,
think right.
-- Peter McWilliams
i'm not sure who peter mcwilliams is or where i found this... it came from somewhere online. it speaks alot about what i'm feeling lately. seems i can always use others' lyrics or words to describe myself better than i can use my own... words... um... yeah.
aside from what it may sound like, i've been having a good week. i'm sure that i have not been alone. i feel someone's arms holding me tight at times where i'm sure i'm falling apart. thank you!
saturday, april 27, 2002
more poetry
i know i've not been all that creative lately... been using alot of other peoples' stuff. but this is just my way of communicating what the hell is going on inside. this stuff works to explain it. jonathan read some of my paper journal the other day. he was impressed... i'm much more open in my paper journal because usually NO ONE sees it. but i'd written some stuff that i thought he'd be interested in... so i let him into it a bit. evidently i write much better than i actually verbalize things for him in session. i think he'd like to see more of my paper journal... um... no... won't be happening. it's my stuff... so anyway... my dad sent this poem to me. i have her book and i'll write more about her later.. i gotta go meet some friends... talk to ya later.
Before Dawn in October
JuliaKasdorf
The window frame catches a draft
that smells of dead leaves and wet street,
and I wrap my arms around my knees,
look down on these small breasts,
so my spine forms a curve as perfect
as the rim of the moon. I want to tell
the man sleeping curled as a child beside me
that this futon is a raft. The moon
and tiny star we call sun are the parents
who at last approve of us. For once,
we haven’t borrowed more than we can return.
Stars above our cement backyard are as sharp
as those that shine far from Brooklyn,
and we are not bound for anything worse
than we can imagine, as long as we turn
on the kitchen lamp and light a flame
under the pot, as long as we sip coffee
from beautiful China-blue cups and love
the steam of the shower and thrusting
our feet into trousers. As long as we walk
down our street in sun that ignites
red leaves on the maple, we will see
faces on the subway and know we may take
our places somewhere among them.
sunday, april 28, 2002
which way do i go?
so this morning i got up nice and early... 8:30am - ish and found myself near to tears with fear of something i couldn't understand. i'd had such a great week. yesterday wasn't a bad day by any means. but sudddenly sunday morning was turning into a return trip on Satan's rollercoaster called Hell. i just knew i wouldn't make it to church. and, if i did make it, i knew i'd end up crying and leaving before the end of the service. there i sat in my bathtub fighting away tears already... for what? for what? i really want to know what it's all about... this fear... this fear of having time to myself... alone time... unscheduled time. why can't i, at 35 years, be alone with myself and enjoy it? i don't know the answer to that.
i ended up at church. no tears. came home and returned some phone calls and went to brunch with a couple friends. we are all recovering from our visits in hell. when we get together we compare medicine results and bitch about how awful life can be. today was no different. i found our conversation turning towards hell and what really qualifies as hell. is someone else's hell worse than mine? am i truly the creator of my own? we each had our own take on the subject. i feel like my hell isn't any harder than yours. bryan thinks otherwise... and laura seemed to believe that we can create our own... bad or good.
we finished brunch and i'm home now. i'm listening to some David Gray - Lost Songs. thinking about how upside down i was this morning... wondering what brought me back upright. pissed that i even have to go there to get to here. it's physically tiring. it's emotionally fucked up. and spiritually it's just plain incongruent. but here i am - not feeling like i did this morning in the bathtub. i think i'm actually going to get some things done this afternoon. just thought i'd touch base with all of you... hehe, all of you... so many. i'll be back with more Julia Kasdorf poetry soon. my dad told me this morning that she has a second volume out now. i'll have the scoop here soon. until then, take care - talk soon.
tuesday, april 30, 2002
what do you really want?
lastnight at therapy jonathan asked what i really want out of (or in) a relationship...
what do i want...
i i think i just really want someone to be there for me. isn't that what everyone wants in someone? in 1991 i got married and thought that was what i was getting - a life companion. less than 5 years later i got divorced. "he" was no longer with me. "he" who had promised some serious things to me was no longer there. "he" left and, i think, took a big part of me with him. i don't think i realized that until lastnight. am i bitter? in the past when i'd forget what kind of person he really was i'd start to wonder what was wrong with me. why couldn't he put up with me? shit! i couldn't put up with him. he was not nice. so i divorced him.
i realized, lastnight, that when i ended the marriage, that big promise that he'd made me and i'd made him was worth nothing. something soooo serious turned into nothing but some silly words on paper. so here's a big, bold statement... i'm not sure i could ever seriously make that promise again... knowing that it ran so shallow the first time. usually i'm the type of person who will try and try and try again - never really learning my lesson. but, i think for the first time that maybe i'm just not up for the let-down of a serious relationship after that.
so, ok. you are sitting there reminding me that the perfect "opportunity" may present itself and i'll let it just pass me by... i don't know...
i suppose i haven't seriously given up. but for some reason, lately, i've been in protection-mode. look out for incoming fire... stay away from the open air. i guess that's not a bad thing. self-preservation can't possibly be a bad thing. but i agree with you... the "opportunity" might just pass me by. i just don't know what to do. i'm not sure my insides are willing to go through the pain of something like that again (we won't even go into the pain my outsides went through because of that marriage).
so here i go... off to a whole new month... more spring... more "love" in the air... happy May... hmmm.
left my heart soaking wet
boy, your boots can leave a mess...
-- tori amos