i don't even know where to begin. Jesus i don't even know where to begin.

i'm just going to start writing and whatever happens - happens. it's late, 12:30 in the morning. i can't sleep. i've been having problems sleeping for what seems like eternity. but no one seems to think it's a huge deal so i'm just going to let them all diagnose me and i'm going to sit in my corner and do as they say. that's always been my problem really. i just sit around and wait for people to tell me what to do. it's not wroking so well anymore. i don't know if it's because i'm slowly realizing that no one is ever really going to tell me what to do... where to go. no one!

ya know i've been married since july. i still feel like my husband would like to be living - or maybe he is living his life as if i'm just his girlfriend. so much shit has happened with him lately and all i feel is him pushing me the hell out of his way. he doesn't want me to try to support him through his issues. he just wants me to feel sorry for him because he's the victim. he tried his hand at education again after 6 or so years. he couldn't get a job right away so hee took a job as a para for special ed in the same school system where i work. back in march a kid asked him about oral sex and jeff answered him. he was asked to "resign" pending dismissal. he chose to resign. i asked for a copy of the investigation they did on him, but i haven't seen one yet. about 3 weeks ago he was substituting for a different school system and the principal called him in and said a girl made an outrageous aqusition regarding him pulling his penis out (in class with all the students there) and smacking her on the ass. now, i am more than confident that he didn't do that, but she did feel uncomfortable for some reason when he was around her. could it be that he asked her about her t-shirt, a Blondie (the band) tee. he asked if she'd heard the song "call me" and sang it for her. ya see, he feels it's important to have a good "working" realtionship with the kids so that they feel comfortable around him. jill, his sister, and i have been telling him, asking him, i've been begging him to stop! as if the oral sex conversation with the other kid at the other school wasn't enough to say - EXCUSE ME DON'T TRY TO MAKE THEM LIKE YOU! but he doesn't listen. now a detective called him today and told him he has to go to the office to give a statement.... about what? i don't know. he says he doesn't know. he thinks its because some guy threatened him the day he broke out in song. the kid said he was going to kick someone's ass for pulling his cock out and hitting a girl. jeff says that he didn't know what the kid was saying when he said it to jeff. after school the principal showed up at his room and asked to speak to him. that's when he learned that the girl had accused him of the "smacking" thing.

now, i just don't understand how he can possibly think the two incidents are unrelated. i don't understand how he could still, just this evening, say that he feels it's important to make the kids feel comfortable around him. BULL FUCKING SHIT! BULL FUCKING SHIT! God i'm pissed. the other night he was talking to me about how he feels that he's going to be working in a factory for the rest of his life. poor him, he has this college education and won't get to use it. first of all, maybe he shouldn't teach. second of all, he's not the first person to be in his situation. but all he sees is that he's being victimized. he's having to start over at 33 years old. i tried to explain to him that i had to start over from nothing except Mimsie when i was 34... i literally lost my job, lost my apartment, lost all of my things - car, etc. i had to move into a group home for mentally ill patients. I LOST EVERYTHING I HAD! but it's not the same he says. i was mentally ill. I STILL LOST EVERY FUCKING THING I HAD! I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO LIVE WITH MY PARENTS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. DO NOT TELL ME THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND. AND, DON'T ASK ME TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOU - ESPECIALLY UNTIL HE DECIDES TO ACCEPT THAT I MIGHT KNOW WHAT THE HELL I'M TALKING ABOUT.

the most disturbing part is that i don't think he's telling me everything. i know i seem paranoid sometimes, but he's lied to me about a few things right to my face. didn't flinch. right to my face! and the stories i hear again and again from him or from his sister or my father do NOT MATCH UP! i don't trust him right now. what should i do? i'm tired of fighting for the answers. i'm tired of his "poor me" attitude. it wouldn't be a problem except he doesn't want to feel better. Lord knows that if he did, i would have succeeded in making him feel better weeks ago. just this week we had a long talk. i got nowhere. it's all about him. it's all about poor jeff. i don't even know what he believes marriage is.

i'd love to know what he thinks i am to him. i'd love to know what the hell is going on with this detective. i'd love to know why he thought he could drag my ass down to florida so that he could get a teaching job - and i'd like to know how in the world he thought it was right. i'm really just at a fucking road block. i don't know where to go. i have a house that is a total mess. i had to give my puppy, ranin, away this week because with all the shit going on i didn't have the strength to take care of him. he was beautiful, but he was HUGE. he's at a better home now. but STILL! i gave him up because he was adding too much stress to my already stressed out life.

so here i sit. quarter to one in the morning. i'm the one awake and angry. i'm the one that goes to bed at night pissed off. he doesn't get it and he won't talk about it even if he did get it. my anger is too explosive. he doesn't want to get me mad. you know what. he is a fucking coward. i am his wife. his life directly affects MY LIFE! but he doesn't see that. not at all. i don't know what i'm going to do. i really don't. i do, however, fear that it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better. and here i sit. there is so much that i don't know where to start. i guess i'm tired. i suppose i'm starting to repeat myself. and if not, i probably got a lot of pissy anger out. he can't use it against me if i come here and vent. i know he won't listen to me.... as soon as i hit a certain tone in my voice he stops listening because he writes it off as me over-reacting and just having an anger problem. well.. he hasn't seen anger yet. i'm not threatening him, but if it doesn't get better soon - easier to talk to him.... or just if he finally finds a way to make me feel like i am his wife and that he understands that this all affects OUR life and certain MY LIFE BECAUSE WE ARE MARRIED!

what am i going to do? i don't know how to talk to him to get him to listen and not write my being upset off as being a anger problem. i am angry and i have ever right to be angry. in fact, i'm pretty certain that if i wasn't angry something would be seriously wrong with me. i suppose i'll try to sleep. nothing else to do at one in the morning. i tried going to IRC, but no one i knew was there. i'm not surprised. i haven't been there in so long. the turnover is huge. i remember the days when i'd be on all night long with people i know.

i believe this may have set a record for longest entry. wonder if i can set another record by coming here daily.... haven't done that in years. this website will be 6 years old in august. i look back and see some pretty odd stuff. but it was my place to come.... it still is. just now i don't have all the people reading it that were. in fact, i may be the only one who ever sees this entry!

good night