monday, april 2, 2001
finally

me: so this is the way life goes... i get this fabulous job and then it's pulled right out from under me.

see: you knew you weren't licensed for illinois.

me: it's not about that. it's about me not fitting in with the math department here. doug told me that they've hired two new people and BIG SURPISE they are friends of his.

see: i wish i had something to say. you could give up i suppose. you could go back to your room at the group home and curl up in the corner of your bed and quit. just let social security pay for your life.

me: i could.

see: so go for it. no one is stopping you. you have the choice. i'd like to believe you'd make a different choice but i see you are tired... don't have the energy to fight. at least that's what i hear you saying. so give up. lose everything that's meant anything to you for the last year or so.

me: no need to be such a jerk. i am tired. i feel like i don't have it in me to keep going. this weekend... the panic feelings... the lonliness...

see: oh quit. you aren't alone. not unless you choose to be alone.

me: of course i don't choose to be alone. i just have these damn feelings...

see: demons

me: exactly. they are such assholes.

see: they are easy to fight. just don't let them take over jami. you are smart and good and loveable. let yourself overcome all this bullshit. i know you can.

me: is that your pep talk for the day?

see: if that's what it needs to be. i guess i'm hoping that you won't just go into overdrive and let life slip away. everyone has their own challenges. i'd say yours is to stay out of bed.... it'd be a shame to see you give up.

me: i know.

see: i suppose you do know. damn it jami, just don't quit this time. hold on - ride it all out. it's really not as much of a big deal as you think it is. geeesh, i'm getting frustrated.

me: ok, i have to go teach class. i'll hang on...... just do some voodoo or something to get rid of the freakin demons. would ya? talk soon.

see: yes, we will.


tuesday, april 3, 2001
is all the weakness in me

dear you,

i reached out into the darkness to find you this weekend. my heart ached from the feeling of lonliness.... the darkness played games with me. it was my solace and my enemy. i thought perhaps i'd find you there but i was wrong. confusion consumes me as i write this. i'm in the middle of all these demons coming at me in every different direction. i need you. i need the safety you offer. but you aren't here. or, maybe you just can't be here... am i expecting too much? eventually i'll find you and i'll get some answers then. until that point i'll just have to guess. i'll have to trust myself... my own decisions. just don't stay away forever.

friday, april 6, 2001
hell

There is a wind that blows between the worlds. A cold wind.

It screams silently through the empty places, the nothing wind, traveling from nowhere to nowhere, in the uncreated wastes.

I am so cold.

This is not a place, after all. It is BETWEEN places.

This is NOWHERE.

A brief thought: I could stay here, abandon my quest, hang forever in the void, safe and cold and alone.

NO.

We do as we must.

And already the wind is dying back, signaling the transition from nowhere to WHERE.

Already the mists are parting.

"Welcome to hell," I tell myself. And I am afraid.

Welcome to hell.



i'm not necessarily in a bad place at the moment. the words above are from a Neil Gaiman comic book called "Sandman - Volume IV". i've tried so many times to come up with words that would explain that place i land in so often. these are the words i've been looking for. there really is a space in time that i go from feeling like i'm a part of this world and then slowly losing myself in the "nowhere" world. i've been working hard on trying to catch myself before i fall. i suppose the falls have gotten fewer and farther between.

actually, it's been quite weird lately. i've been feeling like i'm in the real world a lot more... and i'm in hell much less. i know i have people to thank for this. mom and dad... turtle... jon, lauren and laura... people who keep me grounded. the problem is that i don't seem to give myself much credit. i feel the support from the outside. i just wish i could feel it on the inside.

i was so happy to see the passage above. for the first time i think i've found the words that explain that void. i want to continue to stay out of it. i definitely don't want to land myself in hell again. but, i will be honest. it's been damn difficult lately adjusting to the here and now. i'm not accustom to hanging on when times get tough. dealing with jon and david and work and the house. i don't really know how people do it so well.

i suppose i'm done for a while. jonathan is out of town for 10 days... i am afraid to be without him. but i'll be ok. at least i'll try. when i feel like i'm slipping into nowhere i'll just try to hang on. hope you all have a wonderful weekend. i'll talk to you all soon. thanks for reading. j

monday, april 9, 2001
good enough

sarah mclaughlin sings a song about being good enough. i'll spare you the lyrics. however, it's been playing around in my head all morning. good enough... good enough... i sat around outside yesterday with a bunch of my roommates. it was nearly 80 degrees. i'm sportin' a nice sunburn this morning. i didn't get anything done sitting out there toasting myself... hell, i haven't done school work in what feels like forever. i've just not been motivated. i know. i know. i have to keep up the work or i'll never get a recommendation from these people. it's so damn hard to want to do something when you know you aren't really wanted around the place. i just don't feel like i'm good enough to be here.

you know by now that jonathan is gone... vacation... my job is a mess and the whole david thing has turned into a huge joke (ok, so i shouldn't even talk about the "david thing" because there isn't a "david thing"). i feel like i'm slowly being desserted. i've had a nasty upset stomach for the last 4 days - coincidently the same number of days that jonathan has been on vacation at this point.... ya know... i'm sure i'm going to be fine. and, at this point i don't know that there is anything i should be worrying about. i think i'm just tired of the same old bullshit. i could go into the whole God issue... wondering or asking why. but that's just an entry that i've written one too many times. so, i'll spare you that too. in fact, i guess i'll just take my sad self off to my job-world. more later.... *kisses*

tuesday, april 10, 2001
dear friend

you've gone away... i'm searching the usual spots for you but to no avail. lately it seems as though everywhere i turn i'm looking into a strange new world. a world that doesn't include the things i'm familiar with. it doesn't seem to include you anymore. i try to reach out but it seems like we are on two different levels. with the odds all ready not necessarily in our favor they seem to be getting smaller. i know that our relationship has relied solely on a means that won't let us touch... but you have touched me. i've felt you reach out to me at times that those closest to me seemed so far away.

my life is carrying me forward these days. i feel like i'm cruising down river rapids - bouncing off in this direction... getting soaked here and there. i'm literally holding on for dear life. something that you've taught me i should trust and enjoy. i just wish you were right here with me riding out the waves. hmmm... i suppose you are - in that certain little way you reach out and touch me with your words. but the words are starting to be few and far between. i'm afraid to lose you... to lose them... i'll continue to reach out to you only because i don't give up easily with relationships - if we can call it that. i hold on to them so tight that i break sometimes. but you know that. at times i think you know me better than i do.

i guess this is my way of saying thank you. you have been one of the few who have taught me to love what i've been given... even though it's been a damn hard road to travel. i hope that we don't continue to lose touch. i know that you come here often to check Jami's world... if this is the only way we can stay in touch then it works for me. i'm always here even though you never seem to need me... we'll talk... i hope... thanks again... j

thursday, april 12, 2001
...

i write this day in and day out knowing that only a small handful of people read it. i wanted to give it up. after all, if no one was going to read it - why bother? why produce something that no one will "appreciate"? suddenly i was reminded of my mother. she's an artist. in the past she's worked with ceramics and oil painting... dabbled here and there in watercolors. however, it hit me that her best work wasn't with any of these. her best is what she does with her house. she's not an interior decorator. however, i've often believed that she really should be. what she can do with a room is amazing. i use to give her such a hard time about the house always looking like a museum. we'd have company and they would literally take tours of the house to see what her latest goody was and where she put it. i would wonder why she put so much work into something that such a small group of people would see. i think back on it now and i realize why she did it or does it still. it's her way of expressing herself. it's not something that she goes around promoting like an artist would do with his paintings. she does it for her own enjoyment. i think that's why i haven't stopped doing this even though very few people come here. it's for me. it's my way of expressing my thoughts and feelings... my insides. i'm happy that others have been here. but even if everyone stopped coming i'd still do it. i'll never create anything as wonderful as my mother has. but to me... this will do. thanks mom....

tuesday, april 17, 2001
breathing

sitting in an empty room
trying to catch my breath before i lose it
i'm beginning to understand
eight hours for love i'm missing
8 months of pain i'm experiencing.

the room closes in
i sit alone in tears
not unlike i've been doing
eight hours feels like 20 minutes now
8 months of tears i'm experiencing.

it's dark here in the room
i slip into the darkness of my world
i'm less aware of the emptiness
eight hours of empty feelings
8 months of lonliness i'm experiencing.

i reach out to turn on a light
tears and breath and emptiness disappear
the light won't last too long
eight hours of light in the darkness
8 months of reaching for the light.

wednesay, april 18, 2001
still breathing

i don't like to write about personal stuff. gee, that's silly. it seems all i do is write about personal stuff. i guess i'm talking about the deep down stuff. actually, if you had the desire to go back and read some of my earlier stuff i did write personally. i was much better at it then. now i just sorta slide around on the surface of the tender stuff.

i'm breathing today.... one more day of breathing. one more day of hanging on with feelings that try to rip out my heart and squash out my breath. yup, sports fans, i'm definitely hurting right now. i'm trying desperately to get through it all though..... i do have great friends. i hadn't realized how awesome they were until sunday night when i went to dinner with them (laura and lauren).

i was sure they'd heard enough about david.... after all it's been over with since october.... i've just been letting things dangle in hopes that there might be some little spark left there. but they aren't tried of it. they told me they'd listen until they turned blue. they just don't like seeing me sad.

i guess i've sorta been holding on to something because my things are STILL at his apartment. not just little things.... like my whole apartment. i moved it all there when i came here to the group home because they told me i couldn't store it here. Soooooooo. i think the problem with my stuff is that if i do get it i lose complete contact with him. and you ask why that's a bad thing... hehhehehe. it's not i guess. i suppose it's just my way of confirming that i can't seem to make a relationship work. whether i have anything to do with david being a complete ass or not..... which i don't.

so i don't let go of things well. and, i don't lose well. (or quickly for that matter) i'm a bit stubborn i suppose.... nah, i think at the moment i'm just a bit sad..... i guess i'll stop here. i'm just rattling on. i'll go back to sliding around the surface...... talk soon...... j

thursday, april 26, 2001
feeling better

i've been home three out of four days this week. i can absolutely NOT get rid of this flu. on top of everything it's put me in a really awful mood. i'm angry at myself for being sick.... like i have any control over it. i just hate missing class.

so i get up this morning and make a trek to the local store for some liquids. i'm angry and feeling like shit.... but i stumble across this beautiful tulip. it was so awesome that i actually went back upstairs... got my camera... and took this pic. it's the first offical picture i've taken with my "new" digital camera and put on my site. it's so beautiful! it completely changed my attitude. unfortunately i'm still quite sick to my stomach. but..... my spirits have been lifted.

not much to report here. i'm still without a job for the fall. still hoping to take a couple classes for my masters this summer.... and.... hoping that my missing so much school this week doesn't jeapordize my chances to teach summer school.

other than that... my softball team (that i coach) got their asses kicked by 15 runs in 3 innings. yes... we normally play 7 innings..... yikes. i missed my game lastnight (the team i play on). and my coaching team has a game tonight. i'm not going to make it to the game.... i just hope they do ok.

i'm going to take off... gets some sleep... talk to you soon!

sunday, april 29, 2001
feeling.... what the hell am i feeling?

in the pale light of the moon i play the game of you.

whoever i am. whoever you are.

all sense of where i am, of who i am and where i'm going, has been swallowed by the dark.

and i walk through the stars and sky...

a trinity of dreams beneath the moon
(neil gaimann - sandman, a game of you)

last night was an extremely difficult night. i'm not sure what the hell is going on with me. i've been sick nearly two weeks now. i have to get to work. i can't sleep. i don't want to sleep. i want to just stay awake. something scares me about sleeping. don't know what the hell that is or means. but i have to try. i have to try really hard today to get to a place that i am ok. some days i feel like such a fraud. my students look at me and see someone that i am not. i'm pretending.... or i feel like i'm pretending. a game - i feel like i am playing a game. i'm the only one playing.... no one else knows the rules. no one else in their right mind would wish to be a player in my game. some have tried but they don't last long. the rules push them away. hell, the rules try to push me out. but i fight them.

we are at the end of april now. may will start tuesday. i'm praying for a better month. hope things are good with you..... i'll be back soon. j.