Been trying to start this thing for ages! I've had idea after idea but, nothing comes out of 'em..... I guess I just don't think I have anything interesting enough to write about to keep ppl coming back for more..... I've thought about writing a 'How to get to New Zealand when you are totally broke' page.... a 'stop the violence - teach kids tolerance' site...... a 'let's be depressed together' page.......... but, really, who cares?
i was reading a journal - one of my regular reads - the other day and i realized that the "j" the author was speaking about was me.... i know, i know... we all read journals and say "Hey, that could have been me". But, this guy was actually talking about an email i'd sent him. He was wondering what responsiblity he had to respond back to me. Good question! I guess the only responsiblity we ever have as authors of "Me Books" is to ourselves....... What's the motivation for putting yourself up for millions to read? That's the question I think I'll concern myself with...
What would you say if i sang out of tune..... would you stand up and walk out on me?
kisses....... j
I realized after I chose a name for this page - The Real Me - how inappropriate it was/is.... I don't know who the real me is. I'm reminded of a line or two from the play "Our Town". Near the end, Emily, the main character, is looking back on her life, and she asks a question.... something like.... ...does anyone ever really live life while they are in it.... I'll have to find the play and look it up! Obviously, this could take on a million different meanings.... but, I think it's interesting to me that the play - that line specifically - sticks out in my mind especially because my sister once played Emily. I'm not going to tell you that my sister is dead now or anything morbid and/or sympathy searching like that...... no, Kim and I have a history all together a different story - different website.... It's just the way I remember her rehearsing that line in her room..... she'd say it with such meaning.... like she was really wondering herself. I guess I have wondered the same thing...... Do we ever really live life while we are in it?
I've been trying awfully hard lately to live life.... I've been accused of trying to live other ppls' lives as well (as if i can handle my own - geesh). I take notice of the homeless people and the simplicity of their lives...... a simplistic struggle - can I say those two words together? I think back on Littleton and Oklahoma. And, not so far back to Turkey and Bosnia....... then I come full circle to Me again..... and I realize that while I'd really like to tell you about 'the REAL me' I can't. I guess you'll just have to hang out and figure me out yourself (ok, ya don't have to... you could just hang out here because it's a cool place to visit! :o) Then again, just because I've been accused of trying to live other ppls' lives doesn't mean that i'm not open to suggestions for my own life. So........ if ya think you've got a clue - definitely let me know. Otherwise... welcome! Hang out for as long as you like..... I'll probably be here!
kisses........ j
I don't really give a shit what Webster's dictionary says about the word Tolerant (however, i might be interested in how it spells it). To me, it's simple. If you tolerate something you accept things that others can't or won't. It's a conscious decision! I don't think it's about putting up with what you don't like or want to be around... I think it's an all around acceptance of life and the world!
The topic of the
day is Tolerance! Actually, it's the topic my life, really. I
learned about it at a very young age. My Great Uncle was
retarded.... little-bitty tiny man. He and my Gramma Eloise (his
sister) lived across the street from me my whole life. I knew all
along he was different than other ppl but, I didn't know that
different meant weird or unacceptable or strange... He wasn't a
bad man. With the exception of a few episodes late in his life
(really, really late), "Unkie" never bothered
anyone.... Ok, sure, he did thumb his nose at an occasional Amish
Buggie when we'd pass them in our car - but, they were harmless
thumbings.... and how many of us HAVEN'T used a few hand gestures
ourselves when we were actually driving.... NOTE: i combined my august 1999 entries into this one place and i lost some really good stuff. this entry didn't originally end here, but i lost the original and so here i am... the end. i'm leaving tomorrow for the weekend......
hmmmm. Camping! after the week or two i've had at work i'm
soooooo looking forward to it! bought a brand new tent.... it's
bigger than my apartment. I'M NOT LYING! weeelllllllll, i wanted
something i could stand up in... never mind the fact that the
Tall Man from Barnam and Bailey Circus could stand up in it....
*sigh* last October i went to the same park we are
going to this time.... i think it was the first time since my
divorce that i was totally... i don't know... totally free. it
was pretty frightening really. less than 6 months prior to the
trip i was in bed 24 hours a day.... for 3 months. No, i'm not
kidding. my depression had managed to completely shut me down me.... i really didn't think i'd ever take a shower again....... but something just kicked in. so there i was, sitting out on this cliff over looking the most undescribible (sp?), um... the leaves were all different shades of red and yellow and brown.... the lake below was.... wow... just too much to express! definitely breathtaking. i know the rest of the group must have thought i was a total nutcase. i didn't know any of them before i went.... just sorta hopped in my car with a friend of mine and we met up with her friends...... they didn't know anything about me..... except that i DIDN'T want to go hiking... i DIDN'T want to canoe... DIDN'T want to do anything at all except sit there on this ledge.... looking out..... not knowing me - my past - they had no clue what i was thinking about......... i was paging through some of my old journals
last night and i came across one of the entries i wrote that
weekend. i had just started talking to this guy on the
internet... he lived (lives) in New Zealand... actually, i had
just really started using the internet..... i remember the day we
"bumped" into eachother. i'm not real good with words
but, he was wonderful. yeah, yeah, yeah... the
"cyber-crush" thing. *shrug* i guess it was.... and, if
you are here then you don't need me to describe it all for you...
i know - been there - done that. i'm just wondering.... are you
lucky enough to still be super friends with your FIRST
cyber-love? looking back on my year i see what seems to be
one of the best friendships i've ever developed. *hmmm* makes me wonder if i shouldn't just bag my real-time "friends" and just
live the rest of my life making love to a keyboard.......
spelling out my good days and bad..... not speaking but, still
requesting an arm around my shoulder and a kiss on my forehead.
awww... but, you don't care to hear that because YES you've done
it or are doing it too. i tease this guy about how i'd steal him
away from his "partner" if we ever met up in person..... but, truth is (and i'm sure he knows this too) if we ever did meet we wouldn't have it in ourselves to do anything to jeopardize the friendship we've developed! all right.... i should go take my tent down so that i can find my bed... ack! it's HUGE! hope you all enjoy your weekend! kisses...... j Woohoo.... i'm getting the hell out of here for the weekend!
Camping here i come! LOOK OUT..... more when i get back - my little buddies! *smile* i really, really need this trip! kisses from me..... j It's one o'clock in the morning. i can't sleep. *shrug* haven't been able to. i absolutely can't tell you why that is. everything in my emotional world seems so out of reach - literally. when i try to explain it to CK (my therapist) she says she understands. it's not that she isn't trying - i know thatis. she's wonderful.... i'm alive tonight because she tries.
august 26, 1999
did i mention
august 27, 1999
woohoo
august 30, 1999
1:00am
jesus, why does that seem so awful?
lately, the nightmares start before i even close my eyes.... every night i have to force myself to do the same thing... just GO TO SLEEP! if i were younger i might try to convince myself that if i could just close my eyes i'd actually do the opposite... the whole 'child psychology' thing. i'd wake up instead of fall asleep... i could stop the nightmare... oh well.
this weekend was great. beautiful weather, great people... then i came home... logged on to work on my site... saw some friends. conversations went real well... i even got to talk to mikey. my wondertwin! sometimes i'm convinced that he can actually feel my pain... physically... more on mike later.... when i can do him justice!
so, where's the pain now jami? where's the tears? the awfulness that made you wish you hadn't given up all your sharp utensils.... all gone? does this mean it's ok to close my eyes now? this entry sucks.... totally has no substance to it.... but, now you know just a little bit more about who i am....
well, maybe i can...
Just curious.... what's ONE thing you remember about the Christmas show, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer? Seriously, I'm interested! Email me. Let me know -- I'll tell you all sometime next week why I asked.
School is back in full swing. This is the second year now that I haven't gone back. I'm sad. I'm sad because I think this year I really could have done it! I think I could have finished out the year.... August to June. I taught school - high school math - for 6 years. The last 3 of which I didn't make it to June for one reason or another - they all revolve around "the Beast". The same one that kept me up last night.... the same one that kept me in bed for 3 months in '98....
Yesterday, I told a friend I thought maybe I'd call one of the schools down the street from me, to see if they had any last minute needs for a math teacher -- hell, for any kind of teacher. I have the degree. Too many schools are filling open teaching positions with men and women that don't have a teaching degree... let a lone a teaching degree in the subject they are responsible for this year..... Should this concern us?
I wonder why the media hasn't jumped all over this? We are eager to hear about the safety precautions schools have put in place since the "Columbine" incident. Someone has decided (NOT EDUCATOR) that we can't teach evolution anymore.... We, the teachers, must be very careful not to damage a child's ego by grading papers in red ink....... BUT.... we don't give a shit that the teachers teaching our kids don't have a degree to teach them with.
EXCUSE ME....... where are our priorities? I realize that the people who need to see this entry won't. It's probably going to be skipped over by all the kids (who don't want to be in school anyway). but, really, what's the deal here? who do we tell?
errrr. i'm frustrated! more about my hospital stay and camping (not necessarily related) to come soon!
kisses from me..... j