tuesday, august 29, 2000
read my poems

hey everybody... i posted most of my poems so... read them if you get a chance. i probably won't be updating for a few days. so, have fun with the poems in the meantime *hint to read*

monday, august 28, 2000
newness

this is new to me - these feelings
i don't feel fear.
in fact, i don't feel anything negative.
even the anxiety running thru
my body is a postive energy.
driving forward
moving ahead
holding onto faith
i think this feeling is close to happiness.
i'm not anxious to grab ahold of it tightly
- it's still a very new feeling.
i'd be crushed if it left me.
i'll sit back and watch what it does for me.
driving forward
moving ahead
holding onto faith
i don't feel like i need to know
where i'm going. i'm not headed
on that shortcut to hell anymore.
i'll just sit back and see where i end up.

sunday, august 27, 2000
gloomy sunday
sarah mclachlan

this song is a bit depressing... when i hear i think of letting go of my 'demons' for a bit... only to wake up and find that my fight isn't over... 2-3 months ago i was giving up on the fight. tonight i'm fighting like a mad dog! just can't say thank you enough for all the support you have been showing me.... again, sorry this song is depressing but it's a good reminder to me. keep up the fight! keep up the fight!

Sunday is Gloomy,
My hours are slumberless,
Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless
Little white flowers will never awaken you

Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thought of ever returning you
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you
Gloomy Sunday

Sunday is gloomy
with shadows I spend it all
My heart and I have decided to end it all
Soon there'll be flowers and prayers that are sad,
I know, let them not weep,
Let them know that I'm glad to go

Death is no dream,
For in death I'm caressing you
With the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you
Gloomy Sunday

Dreaming
I was only dreaming
I wake and I find you
Asleep in the deep of
My heart
Dear

Darling I hope that my dream never haunted you
My heart is telling you how much I wanted you
Gloomy Sunday

saturday, august 26, 2000
that should have been 'and a cement block'

here i am again... i've lost my other internet phone connection - didn't pay the bill like i should have.... or, the owner didn't. i hate it when i give someone money for a utility and they end up spending it on something else. soooo... i'm stuck using the house's phone line and can only use it late at night. really screws up my day! normally i'm on it whenever i want... oh well.

my parents came into town today. we hung out with Lauren at a street festival. nothing exciting... just nice to be outside for a change. i have been feeling better. the cement block that i talked about yesterday and many other times in the past hasn't been there. my head feels clear and I feel good about it being that way. i mean sometimes i get really anxious when there isn't something going poorly in my life. lately i haven't had those shitty feelings.

so here i sit... i moved my computer over near a window. our summer has been so mild! tonight the window is wide open and a beautiful breeze is coming in. i've got my legs kicked up on the sill and i'm just sitting here taking it all in. being locked up at night was difficult for me! i love the night when i can control what is happening around me. ie; i can sit out on the porch if i feel safe enough.

hey, this has been another entry packed with excitement! i should warn you before you read these things.... yeesh! sorry i don't have anything wonderful for you... i'll be back again soon with something. take care! kisses for you.... me

friday, august 25, 2000
creatvity and cement blocks

funny, i look at my writing and i see a cement block - similar to the one i see in my head when things pile up and i don't work them out. johathan says that i'm normal - at least the normal that i want.... jami's normal. he says that i have problems like everyone and that we (he and i together) can work them out. he says to let him be the bad guy for awhile if it means that i'm learning to stand on my own two feet and fight for life - my life. i still see a cement block.

i just finished watching Nicholas Cage's "Bringing Out the Dead". i love Nick Cage. my roommates couldn't get thru the first 10 minutes of the movie but i liked it.... i too didn't finish the entire thing but i liked it. it's typical pissed off Nick. i wonder why it is that i can't read into things..... i know there is a message there in the movie that i should get but, i don't. at least i don't think i do. other ppl can do it. i mean, look at "Pulp Fiction". i hated the movie. i thought it was stupid and i didn't get it. others raved about it...... i didn't get it. cement block there too. i had an old boyfriend who would pick out all these strange movies and act like Roger Ebert.... criticing every little bit of them. what fun is that? anyway.... creativity and cement blocks....

i've been working on a new site layout. things aren't going quite the way i want them to though..... i just can't seem to sit with one layout.... it gets boring to me after awhile. i was the little kid who moved her bedroom around every other weekend because i was bored of the way it looked. and... i don't like to sit still. the past few years that's all i could do though - sit still and usually in bed. it seems to be a bit different this time... now that i'm out of the hospital. i do feel like i've got the energy to actually do the things i want to do. i emphasize WANT TO DO. my bedroom still looks like a cyclone hit it.

wow... this entry is all over the place. sorry. at least it's an entry. i've got a meeting with my case manager here at the house so i need to take off. i'll be back though. maybe i'll be a little more creative next time. talk to you all later!

thursday, august 24, 2000
a brand new me

i'm back. i've been told that my creativity is back as well. i don't know about that but thanks for the compliment. i will admit that it came from my father but.... oh well. we'll see soon enough. i obtained a new reader while i was out. thank you Seraph, you know who you are! as some of you know i was gone for some time. 6 weeks to be exact. i got sick. then i got sicker and decided that i probably needed to get serious about it and went into the hospital for a "quick 3 or 4 days". 6 weeks later here i am explaining myself.

i ended up in the state hospital. a place that i'd heard rumors about since i started getting treatment here in chi-town. "they lock you out of your rooms all day." "you have to wear a hospital gown all day long." "you never see the doctos." despite my plea to the ambulance emt that delivered me to the place i ended up here....... i'm proud (is that the right word?) to report that all of those rumors were wrong in my case (thank God) and on top of it allllll..... the food was fairly decent! Big Bonus!!!

so, here i am. after a change of meds and some DBT (more on that later) training mentally i'm feeling like a brand new woman. physically, however, i'm not so sure. ya see, all i did while i was in the hospital was sit around or lay in bed. after running a few errands yesterday i've discovered that i hadn't worked those muscles very often..... i'm finding it difficult to move! VERY difficult!

i don't want to take up too much time to let you all know about what i went thru at Read. in the days to come i hope to have my Hospital Journal on-line. well, actually, exerpts from it. right now i'm just going to say Hi and Glad i'm back. also, a HUGE thank you to my friends and Family who supported me while i was away.... and still are. i really don't know what i'd have done without the frequent visits and cards and phone calls. not to mention the emails from New Zealand and Colorado. you people are truly wonderful friends! i love you all in a way i didn't know existed! thank you. now, i'm off to bed to rest all my aching muscles! good night and.... kisses for you!