sunday, december 1, 2002
Do What You Have To Do

What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do ...

And I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize
that I don't know how
to let you go
I don't know how
to let you go

A glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go.
i was listening to this song this morning while i was getting ready. believe it or not it's not about ryan. i'm doing fine with the ryan situation. it's just that when this song comes along... i have pause and sigh... thinking of the things that i HAVE let go... reminding myself that i CAN.


wednesday, december 4, 2002
Tiger

I've left bethlehem
I feel free
I've left the girl I was supposed to be and
Someday I'll be born
I'm so tired of being shy
I'm not that girl anymore
I'm not that straight A anymore
Now I want to sit with my legs wide open and
Laugh so loud that the whole damn restaurant
Will turn and look at me and say
Look at the tiger jumping out of her mouth
--- paula cole, Tiger

my turtle surfaced briefly the other day. i was shocked to hear that he'd been sorta leaving me alone becaue he felt like i wasn't listening to anything he was saying. and then it hit me. i like this guy alot. he's been a great friend. i've cried on his "virtual" shoulder and laughed my ass off with him. but, i think he was right. i don't think i really took to heart the things that he was saying to try to help me. he said or asked where the tough chick that i am was hiding... or something to that affect. and i replied in an email that the tough chick is the one that gets me through my days. he doesn't talk to me everyday and he checks out my website mostly to see how i'm doing. but my website is full of thoughts and usually sad or depressing thoughts. so i think that's the person he was seeing. i told him he needed to talk to me more regularly to see that i'm really doing quite well. and, i need to listen to him more. he's right... but he usually is.


friday, december 6, 2002
don't know where this is going

i just got home from taking my roommate to the hospital... she's never been to a pysch hospital and i think she was really scared. but she'll be ok. in the mean time your friend is staying here because he started a new drug program and wants to stay here so he's not tempted to go out and use. and here i am... going to work and doing what i'm supposed to do... i am not a babysitter. i am a friend but not a babysitter.

on a much better note... the cute guy at school brought me home the other night. he's been hanging around my room a bit... but i didn't go today... back pain from my car accident and seriously sick to my stomach. i wonder if he would have asked me out if i'd been there. he seems like a nice guy. he's a math teacher too... so we are both nerds.

i think i'm done with this entry. i'm going to go find something to eat. talk to you all later...


wednesday, december 18, 2002
a poem of sorts

i'm angry and lonely.
but it's not your fault.
i wish i could find who
is at fault though.

i'm holding on to a piece of my life right now that has no meaning to it at all. i remember talking to a friend about my marriage and divorce. i felt like i had wasted all those years and energy and love for nothing. nothing. i'm right back where i was then. but i am stronger. or at least i wish i was stronger. i can't really explain it very well. people tell me to remember the good times... that just makes me sad that it didn't work out... and if i remember the bad times i just get pissed. so i throw my hands up in the air and ask why. why have i spent so much of my life looking for something that has to find me. i've given up... i can't search for it anymore. if it comes along, it comes... if not... i'll still be ok. i just need to remember that that piece of my life that i'm holding on to has no meaning to it anymore and let it go...

shit. this isn't the entry i wanted to write. i just don't know what i want to write. i'm awake... i'm alone... i've just started recovering from some serious surgery... i don't know whether i'm staying in bed because i need to recuperate like the doctor said or if i'm just laying there because i'm depressed. doc said i might have some "situational" depression. major surgery will do that to ya. i'm leaving for florida for about two weeks to recouperate... my parents were here for a week helping do things that i could never do in my condition. yeah, this is a lot worse than people might think. much worse... and i don't blame anyone for it. but certainly would have been nice if a friend could have shown a little more support than he did.

i guess i'm done now....... going to bed soon. take care.


tuesday, december 24, 2002
been thinking

God i've written a million and one emails to you in my head on those nights i just couldn't sleep. i've cried because things aren't like they were last year... i actually thought that perhaps you'd call to wish me... that friend... a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. but you don't need to. you don't need friends anymore. you've got a girl again and you can just put all your time into her just like you did with me.

i don't know what else to say. you told me there would come a day when it'd all be gone... over... no more. but i chose to believe the "we'll always be friends" line because it made me feel so much better. God i can't believe this. i am letting you ruin my holidays. how can i just give you all this power. it wasn't always that way... there were times when you'd invite me over and i could honestly feel good about saying no. i didn't need to see you so much. that's when i disappeared i guess.

you told me in milwaukee that night that you were afriad that you were going to bore me... and i swore up and down that it wouldn't happen. and i'm not going to say whether it did or didn't because it doesn't matter a damn bit. but i am going to suggest that you remember that with this girl. right now she's awesome. you have so much in common and get along so great... but we did too. and something changed... and this time i'm not going to blame my illness. nope. something changed between YOU and ME. i suggest you really think about that this time around..... wouldn't want the same thing to happen.

i have stuff to do.. it is Christmas..... wish i could stop thinking about you.

later in the day
geeesh was i angry and bitter this morning. the truth is that i just haven't gotten over being in someone's arms... hearing a friendly voice all the time... feeling cared about - if just a little bit. the honest truth is that ryan told me in november of 2001 that he wasn't in love with me. i held on for a year... rejection? or did i just want to hold on to something... i'm jealous as hell of his new girlfriend. i suppose i am sincere, however, when i say that i want him to be happy. i like it when people are happy. so i'm going to let this entry go now. just wish i could let go of the memories along with it.


thursday, december 26, 2002
no such thing - john mayer

"welcome to the real world", she said to me condiescendingly. "take a seat, take your life. Plot it out in black and white". well i never lived the dreams of the prom kings. And the drama queens. I'd like to think the best of me is still hiding on my sleeve.

They love to tell you to "stay inside the lines". But something's better on the other side.

I wanna run through the halls of my high school i wanna screa at the top of my lungs. I just found out there's no such think as the real world. just a lie you've got to rise above.


saturday, december 28, 2002
some day i'll be born

title of a paula cole song... or lyrics anyway. i've been florida for a week now. it's been really nice. the weather has been great. i'm "recouperating" i guess. i have talked to jonathan a few times. he wants me to write more. write about ryan... i think of him daily... sometimes i wake up thinking about him and sometimes i go to bed... God it was over for real the day he told me he didn't really love me. that was two novembers ago. but i still keep playing the relationship through again and again... what did i do wrong? WHAT DID I DO WRONG? i can't even hit myself over the head or anything to knock some sense into me. i'm past that. i keep telling jonathan that it's the holidays. i'll be ok again when the holidays are over. but i don't know. and i wish i could say i don't care like i was saying... but i do care. Jesus... someone help me.....


tuesday, december 31, 2002

Nietzche's Eyes Paula Cole
Nietzche's Eyes

how many times did
i have to hear you say to me
self obsessed artist
center of your universe
well i believed your every word
and i believed you were my god

nietzche's eyes
nietzche's kind
failed in flight to us
and all my love

grandmother
mother
and now i see it in myself
i take on the water
until the damn threatens to break
i became a little doll
my voice became too small

nietzche's eyes
nietzche's kind
failed in flight to us
and all my love

i'm shaken
i'm shaken
i'm getting down this fantasy
and i'm shaken
i'm shaken
i'm getting down this
getting down this
you were not my superman
i didn't know
just how i felt
all my love
i'm shaken
i'm
i'm getting down this
you were not my superman

i wasn't honest
i tried to philosophize
only too late did
i see i wore nietzche's eyes
now that i step back to see
i haven't been me
and all my love

nietzche's eyes
nietzche's kind
failed in flight to us
and all my love

i'm shaken
i'm shaken
i'm getting down this fantasy
and i'm shaken
i'm shaken
i'm getting down this