thursday, december 11, 2003
in my head

yes, Jess, i've been in my head.... it's so cool that someone else understands that.

so, things have been weird lately. i haven't felt well - sick and emotional stuff that isn't so bad. but tired as hell all the time. i don't even know why i'm writing this right now. last entry i said that i might have actually ourgrown this place. i don't think i've ever outgrown anything LOL.

so..... seems like a good time for a new set of lyrics that i like so much.

Magic
Ben Folds Five

from the back of your big brown eyes
i knew you'd be gone as soon as you could
and i hoped you would
we could see that you weren't yourself
and the lines on your face did tell
it's just as well
you'd never be yourself again

saw you last night
dance by the light of the moon
stars in your eyes
free from the life that you knew

you're the magic that holds the sky up from the ground
you're the breath that blows these cool winds 'round
trading places with an angel now

saw you last night
dance by the light of the moon
stars in your eyes
free from the life that you knew

saw you last night
stars in your eyes
smiled in my room

i am fairly sure that this song is about someone who has died. but at the same time i feel like it's talking about someone who just really wasn't happy and decided to go and make it bettter. that's what i want to do so badly! i wanna make it better! it's as if i know what would make things better. but, at the same time, i know that nothing will ever change with me. i am who i am... nothing can help. there's just nothing out there... it's all here inside of me. gads... i say that so much. i just don't know.

yes, you saw me last night
dance by the light of the moon
stars in my eyes
free from the life that i knew

that's me... thats' going to be me....

*sigh*

more later i guess.


friday, december 12, 2003
bad day
-- Fuel

"Bad Day"

Had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again.
Spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace.
Smeared the lipstick on her face.
Slammed the door and said "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again."

And she swears there's nothing wrong
I hear her playing that same old song
She puts me up and puts me on

And had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note it said, "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again."



friday, december 12, 2003 - again
no promises

panch's lament - (ironically)Promise Me This

is that the sound of knocking at my window
lord i'm trying trying to let you in
but the mirror stares me like a stranger
I'm learning how to begin again

promise me this
you will never understand me
promise me this
you will always always
hold me like you hold me now
hold me like you're holding me now
promise me this

I thought of you when my faith began to wander
it woke me up in the middle of the night
I've so many places i can run to
let's not run away this time

Promise me this...

i'm missing aaron again. it's like i'm in this little crisis that i swear only aaron understands. he had sympathy... he gave me sympathy whenever i needed it - fair and square. i'm not saying he didn't kick me in the ass when i needed i t... but, he never put me down for my feelings. he understood relationships just like i do.

i had a talk with "J" tonight. lastnight in our conversation he was quite clear in telling me - without saying the words - that we were just friends. that i shouldn't look for anything more than that. i got quiet. he noticed. but i said i was fine - just tired. and so i got off the phone and cried... and cried some more because all i wanted to do was talk to aaron. he'd have just the right words to say. just like always. but he's not there anymore. geesh, i don't know which i was crying harder about - aaron, "J". if i had to put money on it i'd go with aaron. God he was so much a part of my life... imaginary as he was... just a name out there on a screen. but somehow he really heard me. and i heard him. i won't find anyone like him again. and as much as it pains me to say that, i'm glad. i couldn't say goodbye to someone like him again...

i talked to "J" when i got home from school today. he knew something was up and in the end he said he felt like such an ass. and ya know... i don't know if i should believe he felt that way or if he was just trying to make me feel bad or glad or something fucked up along those lines. it has been a push me - pull me Ryan poem relationship right from the beginning. (see "for you" under my poems - the second set i believe). i just hate having to talk about these things, but i knew that i really needed to talk about it. right now i don't know what to believe. and that isn't such a bad thing. i can move on and do my thing and not worry about what i'm doing. he says he thought he was clear. i guess i needed him to spell it all out for me. and now, i just feel so dirty - so used and so dirty. and the shitty part is that i didn't even see it coming.

i didn't see it coming!


so here i am. on the phone tonight, in a desperate attempt to keep things together i think, he asked if he could call me after his "date" or tomorrow morning. i don't understand why he would want to? it's his date - he needs to have fun... i know i can go out with whoever i want. i've known that would be a definite fact right from the begninning. and i'm totally fine with that. it wouldn't bother me a bit to go out with someone. ok, maybe after being together last weekend i thought it'd be tougher. but now anymore.

i guess it's just going to take someone to just belt me upside the head to really get my attention. "hello, is there anyone in there?" here's the thing, the thing is that tonight he said things to me that i waited all last weekend for him to say. tonight... i think he was afraid that i was saying i didn't want to see him anymore. i think he was scared. i'm sure. not a thing i can do about it. i just have to decide what to believe in and what to just ignore. i'm finding out that ignoring is much safer than believeing. desperate attempts. that's what i should have titled this entry. desperate attempts. not "no promises". but "no promises" has been his motto (if you will) from the first few hours i spent with him. and i have never asked him to promise me anything. this sorta unhappy phone call has happened before with us and the next thing i knew the next day he was asking if i'd go on a cruise with him... then a few nights ago he was talking to me about how he'd bought this vacation for two... it sure didn't sound like i was invited at all. sounded more like he's got this vacation and is gonna take his "flavor of the month".

i really made a huge mistake with ryan. i don't want to make it again. but it hurts like hell. someday i'll forget right? the lyrics... don't call me.. don't write... don't show up in the middle of the night... to say that you been thinking..... they run through and through my head again and again. i always end up right here. the same place. the same damn place... crying myself to sleep. the only really great thing is that this time i didn't give him this place to come to. he doesn't have my website. so, i can finally start writing what i want again without worrying about who is going to read and who's feelings i'm going to hurt. i can do what i have to do. i can talk about the things i really need to talk about. Jesus, i knew when ryan and i weren't going anywhere. and i knew that we ("J" and me) weren't going anywhere either. but i'm that optomist and when it comes to a very very heartbreaking situation that occurs all too much for me. i find myself saying "it'll be better this time. he can't be like all the others." now, as i bow my head in pain and sorrow, i realize that maybe it's time to say... it's not going to be any different... ever. at least not until i get my shit together. not until i can feel ok with myself and not need those arms around at night.

yeah... maybe it's time....


sunday, december 14, 2003
the Savage Dump

NOTE: this is an entry from my paper journal. yes, i keep a paper journal on top of this one... oh, and there's two more.... what can i say. i need to write. lately it just hasn't been here that i've come to do it. so... let's move on, shall we?

i'm here again... at dominic's. i skepped church and ellie's party. i'm depressed as hell because of "j". he hasn't called. i know know if he will tonight. i can NOT cal him though.
(NOTE: i didn't call him) i won't let myself . i'll just cry forever tonight.

on another note, i wish just once i could walk down the streets of chicago and have someone say "hi, how are you doing today?" and follow-up my "great thanks" with "do you have a quarter you can spare".

i know i don't belong here. i'll never belong here. i feel lke i am this solitary figure standing in the heart of the "Savage Dump". Yeah, i'll never see Howard from Argyle St. or his monolouge on the Savage Dump. Eeveryone around him thought he was nuts. and, he was. he lived in a complex for people who are nuts. anyway, he's right! it is a dump full of assholes and people who care very little for those around them.

i never was in a clique in school. i did very cool things... skiied, water-skiied, sailed - just about anything you can name i could and would do it. so, some of my friends parts of cliques. i only hung out with those peope when friend/s would take me. i wasn't someone who was tracked down to be told about the party at scott ezzels house. the only parties i was actually invited personally to were my own, my bf's, and dru's parties. occassionally i would get invited to penni howard's parties but that was only because our parents were friends and we grew up together. with all her money she got bit by the rich kids. rich kids that i knew for a fact i was better looking than but never got the guy. i just wasn't popular enough.

well this is a bright conversation. who am i talking to? i use to think that i was talking to myself - that no one would ever hear any of it. but suddenly i want to tell everyone. i wanna say fuck you to the assholes who never make eye contact with me on the streets of such a "beautiful" city. fuck you to all those girls who never wanted me in their cliques. i was never meant for that and i'm quite happy with the fact that i never caved in and kissed ass just to be invited to parties.

so i guess this is all over now. it's after 10 pm. i'm not going back to proofread. sorry. night. j

wendesday, december 24, 2003
the goodbye girl

i see that they have re-done the movie "the goodbye girl". i have also noticed that it's nearly time for me to say goodbye to 2003. what am i leaving behind? what have i lost? what have i let go of... anything... anyone?

of course, my greatest loss this year aaron trillo. i hope he's happy. and i am sure that he is.

obviously, i let go of ryan over a year ago. but i wasn't/haven't been able to really let him go until now. when you start comparing someone new to someone in your past and suddenly that person in your past doesn't quite match up... that's when you know that you've let go. i hate that it's taken someone else to make me realize what i knew all along. but sometimes we just need a kick in the pants.

earlier today i was in a rather pissy mood. i'd been hanging around doing laundry on xmas eve... never took a shower... went to the movie store - flirted with the cute guy... had my chai tea latte and was back home before i knew it. all in a pissy mood and trying to blow it off as "being alone on xmas eve"... but it wasn't that. in fact, as soon i realized what it was that i was trying to tell myself, i started feeling so much stronger.

i'm not at some family's home for xmas this year. i'm here at MY home. i'm 37 years old. i can do it alone and i only realized why that is today. i'm tired of going to "meet the parents" all the time. every few years there's some new family. i have a wonderful experience and inevitably it all ends in 6-8 months with an "i'm sorry, jami". there i am left in constant denile and/or tears - heartache in fact! all that time i thought that the reason it didn't work out with "them" was because i was trying to fill some void within myself with that person. someone who would make happy.

as i was walking to the dry-cleaners this evening it suddenly hit me. i don't think it was me shoving someone in. i honestly believe that it was them. they were taking me to their homes to show their family that they weren't failures. i've never taken anyone home for xmas before. other than my husband and that was only after we'd been married. i never took anyone just to say "see. i'm not alone. i'm not a failure. there's this person who thinks i'm worthy and so forth and so on. and that person is with me. i AM NOT a failure." in effect, i'm saying that they used me to do the exact thing i thought i was doing all along. shoving anything in to this gap... imaginary gap that i felt needed to be filled. but you see, i'm here at my home this evening... this xmas eve evening alone. and i'm ok. i don't even feel lonely. not at all. so, while i'm saying goodbye to aaron and others, i'm really saying goodbye to that imaginary hole insdie. i AM NOT going to make the same mistakes this time. i am going to take care of myself - because i can. i'm leaving behind that facade of mine... the helpless woman. i'm not great at what i'm doing. but, i'm doing it alone and it feels good.

there is only one thing. *long pause - looking for the right words* how will i ever let go of aaron. i will forever remember him. and, if he could see me now... he'd stand up and start applauding me for finally listening to him... and, for finally letting me be ok. so, while i lost aaron in 2003, it will take ages for me to forget him. if only i could find him to say thank you. but, i can't. what would i say? perhaps... "aaron, i miss you. but most of all i really, really want you to know that i was listening to you even during those times you thought i wasn't. maybe those were the actually the times i listened most - i was a bit stubborn - but i did listen and i did learn! i want to thank you for never turning your back and giving up! cheers my good friend! i will forever be thankful for having had you in my life"

goodnight everybody... merry christmas and happy new year. jami