Are we listening
To hymns of offering?
Have we eyes to see
That love is gathering?
All the words that I've been reading
Have now started the act of bleeding
Into one.
So I walk up on high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below.
And I laugh at myself
As the tears roll down.
'Cause it's the world I know.
It's the world I know.
-- collective soul, the world i know
december
13,
31
december 13, 2004
the world i know
i've got a lot of different ideas for this entry. they are all so just swirling around in my head. i can't slow it down enough to pick it a part though. so where is this going to go? the world i know.... the world i know today is so very different than the world i've been living the 8-9 years prior to 2004. all i can say about before is that it was one very gigantic struggle. ...struggle to take a shower everyday, struggle to get up at all, struggle to go to work when i did get up and struggle just staying out of the hospitals.
when people ask - when the have the guts to ask - about the things i blame my past on i have to admit that it seems to be something different every time. it was jeff shoup, or kim or the boys in band, the rapes, the stalking... the betrayal (of not only my ex-husband but guys in general), the beatings, etc. until lately those were the only things i could swing.
last night i was with jeff driving home from his parent's house. i haven't been feeling well for the last month and half or so. i just feel out of control. not so much that i would have to quit my job and check into to a mental hospital... no, those times are pretty much behind me at this point. but, the problem lies in that i can figure out how to explain it and how anyone can help me. it's just a very uncomfortable feeling - especially when i know that at this point in my life i honestly have never been happier. i'm trying to find a time in my past where i was happy at all for a longer sorta period of time.
jeff asked lastnight what he could do to help. even now, i sit here just shaking my head because i don't know. i just don't know. i had a therapist tell me one time that he hears that phrase, i don't know, a lot. he told me that he does, however, belive that i really don't know what to do or say or ask for. that was 15, nearly 20 years ago. and here i am.
it's such a drag to list the good things that are happening to me... you know, those little things that most people take for granted but i shouldn't. i do get up and shower and go to work. i do like my job how ever tired i might be at the end of the day or a week even. i have never loved someone like i love jeff and i still can't find words to describe how i feel about my therapist. and i'm sorry...... i am really sorry..... while all these things are awesome things....... i just don't feel right.
listing the things that aren't good is an impossible task.... i don't feel like i clean house at all - in fact, i'm sure i don't do anything. i am tired all the time. there's just more than i can even acknowledge..... more than i'm even aware of. at least that's the way it feels.
how is it that someone could be living the life she has dreamt about for years and still not feel right inside? how is that possible? someone help me out here......... i'm confused and tired and just plain lost. i have work to do though so i'll sign off for now... this is the world i know - for now. jy
friday, december 31, 2004
the world i KNEW
fitting title i believe. i always like to make up those catchy little snidbits in hopes that someone reading will get the joke..... or pun.... or whatever. last entry was "the world i know". it was fitting... now as it's come to be the 31st again... i am here to write my annual year-end wrap-up.
perhaps i should have called the entry "bittersweet" because that would decribe this past year as a whole and not the one small (?) incident that happened on christmas day. this year i have found happiness. i've rediscovered my purpose and have been both scared out of my mind and so very content at the same time. the same very moment at times.
this is the year that i spent with jeff. that's how i think of it. while things were a bit rocky in the beginning we both finally realized (me first of course) that we belong together. as the result.... we are getting married in july of next year. there are so many ends that have to be tied up before we can have a "proper" marriage. by proper i'm referring to getting married in the Catholic church. no. i'm not Catholic. yes, i am converting. i really hate that term - converting.... it sounds like i am making this huge, very strange, change into a world i know nothing about. ah, that doesn't even convey what it really sounds like. i don't have the right words. so, converting... urgh.
i realized that being Catholic to Jeff is as important as walking to him. his faith has taken through and brought him out of some of the most awful experiences you can imagine. yet he nor his family has ever swayed from his faith - even at times when i think i might have given up all together.
damn. i'm not done but i have to get moving........ hell! this entry will take forever...... i'll be back.