friday, february 1, 2002
my sacrifice - creed
Hello my friend we meet again
It’s been a while where should
we begin…feels like forever
Within my heart are memories
Of perfect love that you gave to me
I remember
it's cold here in chicago. we got lots of snow this week. i remember several years ago i was going to work. i had to stop and fill up my car with gas. it was soooo damn cold. i had gloves on... a hat... the whole works. but it was so cold - it just bit through my protection. and i can remember standing thinking "Oh, my God" how can someone survive in this weather... what are all the homeless people doing right now... where are they keeping warm? every winter from that year on i seem to find myself asking the same question.
When you are with me
I’m free…I’m careless…I believe
Above all the others we’ll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice
my friend lauren and i stopped to answer a homeless man's question the other day. he simply wanted to know what time it was. and i said to lauren afterwards... "do you realize how many people would have ignored him... and all he wanted to know was the time." she told me - reminded me really - that we see things just a bit differently than most people. we've seen all kinds of people struggle with life. we just don't run away from them like most people.
We’ve seen our share of ups and downs
Oh how quickly life can turn around in
an instant
It feels so good to reunite
Within yourself and within your mind
Let’s find peace there
a mental hospital is not the greatest place to spend your time. however, when you are there... there is so much to see... to learn... you see real life struggles... people hanging on with all they have. most people call us crazy. they just don't have a clue. we cope... or try to cope with all that God gave us. if we weren't trying... we'd be dead. people just don't understand how damn hard it can get. they run instead of stop and try to see... all they see are crazy people... just like the homeless man on the corner. all he wanted was the time... we gave it to him. he turned and we watched as he wheeled his shopping cart of personals treasures on down the street...
When you are with me
I’m free…I’m careless…I believe
Above all the others we’ll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice
i just wanted to say hello...
saturday, february 2, 2002
motherland
-- natalie merchant
where in hell can you go far from the things that you know, far from the sprawl of concrete that keeps crawling its way about 1,000 miles a day? take one last look behind, commit this to memory and mind. don't miss this wasteland, this terrible place. when you leave keep your heart off your sleeve.
i have a student who is bipolar... she's talked to me about it. and, i've talked briefly with her about my problems. she said to me the other day that i seem so normal - she wouldn't have guessed... so, now i'm some kind of role model jonathan says... she looks up to me. normally that would be a good thing i would think.... but when he said this it suddenly felt as though i had some pressure put on my shoulders. what if i screw up? what if i can't continue looking "normal"?
what the hell is normal anyway? people say that to me all the time when i say i just want to be normal. i don't know what it is. but it's got to be better than this hell i live in most of the time. ya know, it never just goes away - this hell. it's there.... it's ready to reach out and grab you and make you suffer. sometimes it doesn't seem to matter how hard you try. it's stronger and tougher and more resilient. i told my student that "we" are good actors. we learn how to be what others want us to be... we don't want to worry anyone because letting them.... well.... we just don't want them to experience what we exprience....
there's so much i want to share with my student. i know better... i can't be her "friend". but there's a lot out there that i want to warn her about. i want to tell her all the things that people tell me all the time. i'm reluctant to pass it all onto her, however. their words usually stress me out. i can't live up to what they expect... at least it feels that way. i guess i'm better off just listening to her... some day i hope that she can walk away from the wasteland that we are surrounded by in our illness. this sprawl of concrete like the song says... that's my wish for her...
sunday, february 3, 2002
sometimes when we touch
-- rod stewart
you ask me if i love you
and i choke on my reply
i'd rather hurt you honestly
then mislead with a lie
who amd i to judge you
in what you say or do
i'm only just beginning to
see the real you
a couple of years ago i "met" someone online. we met at a place call partyhouse.com. i believe his nickname was "sjm". yeah. that was it. so i did the normal internet thing... he is from New Zealand. it didn't take long for me to decide that i had to go to New Zealand - that we were meant to be... and then, about 2 weeks into our online relationship, he emailed me and told me he'd met someone... she was so much like what he thought i was, he said... i remember i got the email at work and i cried... people must have thought i was nuts.
sometimes when we touch
the honest is too much
and i have to close my eyes and hide
i wanna hold ya till i die
till we both break down and cry
i wanna hold you until the fear in me subsides
shortly after he'd met "her", sjm asked me to meet him at a place on mIRC - a relay chat place thingy. i went there and never caught up with him. instead, believe it or not, i met someone else - my turtle friend... and we've been friends ever since. turtle and i have a special understanding. he's got a wonderful gf and his dedication and love for her makes me believe in men again. but we are only friends... it took me awhile to figure that out. but i'm very happy with who we are to eachother now.
and i know how hard you try
i've watched while love commands you
and i've watched while love passed you by
at times i think we're drifters
still searching for a friend
a brother or a sister
but then the passion flares again
so of course i've been to other places online. the last 6 months or so... maybe even a year... i've been hanging out at another channel. and, of course, i've met lots of people. enter "just a friend". he is the reason for this entry. the truth is... i think way too much. i need to say that! i think things through so much that i completely get away from the real deal. i think myself into weird places. so this is my weird place for the day. i don't know what's going on with "just a friend" and me. i'm quite certain it's absolutely nothing - especially on his end. but, lately i've found myself becoming jealous... little, teenage, jealousy. it's not good. it's not normal (well maybe it is for me). i like this guy. he's a very good guy who has listened to me complain about my bf... he's listened to me struggle with my depression and anxiety. he's just listened. and for that, i want to make him into something that he's not... or probably doesn't want to be.
sometimes when we touch
the honest is too much
and i have to close my eyes and hide
i wanna hold ya till i die
till we both break down and cry
i wanna hold you until the fear in me subsides
i learned along time ago what this computer stuff is really all about. through "sjm" and turtle i've been there, done that, and have several t-shirts to sport. at least, you'd think i'd learned my lesson... and maybe i am just overthinking this situation. but it's weird for me. i just don't want it to be weird for him... i suppose i should have just emailed him all of this. but i'm a bit of coward and so i'll just take my chance that he'll be here to read it. hopefully, he'll read, laugh and come find me on mIRC... call me silly and we'll resume our natural positions *smile*. that's really all i want to do. Oh, actually, while i'm at... i'd also like to thank him for listening! you're the best!
take care - talk soon
monday, february 4, 2002
one of these days
-- tim mcgraw
use to chase that boy home from school
called him freckle face red headed boy
he was different, he wasn't cool like me
sticks and stones didn't break any bones
but we didn't leave well enough alone
then one day he ran away from home
i passed him as he walked away
and in his eyes i heard him say
one of these days you are gonna love me
you'll sit down by yourself and think
about the times you pushed and shoved me
and what good friends we might have been
and then you are going to sigh alittle
and maybe even cry alittle
but one of these days you are going to love me.
i saw him standing there in the middle of the mcdonald's parking lot - just standing there like a statue... looking off into nowhere land... the Savage Dump, perhaps. as i walked through the lot i watched the cars drive around him... totally ignoring this poor man just standing there... obviously lost in his own world. then it hit me... i wasn't stopping either. i'm just as bad as those people in their cars.
today i was walking to the cabstand. there was man standing outside the post office. he was opening... closing... the mailbox. opening... closing, again. he just stood there opening and closing. what was he searching for? did i stop and ask? no. i didn't and noone else did either.
i was one of those kids that got picked on growing up. the boys in the neighborhood called me "cow", "fatty". but i always went back to them to play. back for more abuse... maybe having been one of these "outcasts" i have a softer heart when i see one on the street. of course, after yesterday and today maybe i don't. i suppose i could write it all off by saying that these two guys could have been really dangerous... could have been on drugs... sick... demented... but maybe they weren't. maybe they were just looking for the time... and maybe they just needed alittle direction. couldn't we all use a bit of direction now and then?
tuesday, february 5, 2002
bad day
-- fuel
had a bad day again
she said i would not understand
she left a note and said i'm sorry i
had a bad day again
my normal state of living is to be "detached". being attached to things leads to bad things - generally speaking. when jonathan tries to pin me down with words all i feel are tiny hands touching me all over. becoming attached is physically uncomfortable to me. so dance around on the surface whenever possible. it's worked on and off for 35 years... can't find a reason to really change it. i function... isn't that enough?
it's not been enough lately. i don't feel like i've been successful in the classroom. so i'm trying harder now. i'm planning better. i'm paying closer attention to what i'm doing. the bummer of it all is that i have to pay more attention to me and i don't like that much. nope... not much at all.
friday, february 8, 2002
slow motion
it's all moving at a rate i just can't take
where are you now when i need you most
i liked the times that i could look and see you there
those days are gone and i'm so lost without them
today i crossed the street thinking i saw you
it's been so long i guess i forgot who you were
reaching out my hands to pull you into my world again
grasping at an image that never really existed
you wish for me to go on about my day
how unfair of you to push aside my feelings
so many times i've been there waiting for you
not until this very day have i stopped wishing
it's all moving at a rate i just can't take
so i step back and pursue a different desire
finding something new will only push you further away
it doesn't seem to matter much to me anymore
-- jami young, february 2002
saturday, february 9, 2002
don't stop dancing
-- creed
At times life is wicked and
I just can’t see the light
A silver lining sometimes isn’t enough
To make some wrongs seem right
Whatever life brings
I’ve been through everything
And now I’m on my knees again
i'll probably continue to put the words to this song in here... right now my life doesn't seem so awful. so, why do i feel it's wicked??? there's this underlying monster i guess... reaching out and trying to pull me back in. i fight... damn it do i fight to keep away from it. but it's there. if i stop fighting for just a minute it'll have me in it's grips suffocating me...
so let's venture over to the other side of the coin... i'm feeling good. i went with lauren to have a massage today. OMG was it awesome. i'm feeling great now.
that's all i've got at the moment. i'll be back soon....
sunday, february 10, 2002
angry
-- matchbox 20
So scream you, out from behind the bitter ache
Heavy on the memory, you need most
still want love, ugly, smooth and delicate
not without affection, not alone
loneliness... i read an article in my Real Simple, March issue. "Curing Loneliness", it was called. it takes a look at loneliness... it reminds me that everyone gets lonely now and then and that is suppose to make me feel ok about it... but curing loneliness... is that possible? are we suppose to get rid of it?
a few years ago i had a conversation with some people about happiness and sadness. without the sadness we can't know happy times... that was the consensus. and now that i think about it - it makes sense. so, can we have fulfillment in our lives without loneliness? i guess that's my question.
i don't like loneliness... not at all. i'm sure no one does. however, there is something about having been alone and suddenly coming across someone who makes me smile... just a little smile to remind me that someone cares. i'm good to go then... i'm back off to my little corner of the world. until i need to come up for air again.... so, to all my friends out there who make smile.... "thanks, you're the best!"
sunday, february 10, 2002
angry
-- matchbox 20
So scream you, out from behind the bitter ache
Heavy on the memory, you need most
still want love, ugly, smooth and delicate
not without affection, not alone
loneliness... i read an article in my Real Simple, March issue. "Curing Loneliness", it was called. it takes a look at loneliness... it reminds me that everyone gets lonely now and then and that is suppose to make me feel ok about it... but curing loneliness... is that possible? are we suppose to get rid of it?
a few years ago i had a conversation with some people about happiness and sadness. without the sadness we can't know happy times... that was the consensus. and now that i think about it - it makes sense. so, can we have fulfillment in our lives without loneliness? i guess that's my question.
i don't like loneliness... not at all. i'm sure no one does. however, there is something about having been alone and suddenly coming across someone who makes me smile... just a little smile to remind me that someone cares. i'm good to go then... i'm back off to my little corner of the world. until i need to come up for air again.... so, to all my friends out there who make smile.... "thanks, you're the best!"
wednesday, february 13, 2002
Valentine's Day Eve
i think all holidays should come with an "Eve".
A real friend
is one who walks in
when the rest
of the world walks out.
i don't know who said that. and i'm not necessarily hurting for friends. most of mine are here... have been here and hopefully with continue to be here. thank you people! Happy Valentine's Eve.... *smile*
thursday, february 14, 2002
Happy Valentine's Day
If you live to be a hundred,
I want to live to be
a hundred minus one day,
so I never have to live
without you.
-- Winnie the Pooh
tuesday, february 19, 2002
i am what i am...
i didn't hear you leave,
i wonder how am i still here.... - dido
wednesday, february 20, 2002
.....
my life is changing so fast now
it keeps me lonely and afraid....
-- dan hill, can we try
every now and then i'm reminded that this is really just a source of entertainment. but at the same time i'm shocked to realize that feelings develop and i don't have the control over them that i need...
thursday, february 21, 2002
no lyrics
been sick all week... went to the doctor finally and really am sick. i mean... i knew i didn't feel well. but, i sorta thought maybe i was just anxious - mental issue - not physical. as it turns out... it's quite physical. my computer desk looks alot like a pharmacy - what with all my psych meds and now antibotics and other stuff.
the doctor told me to stay home until monday. not sure how work is going to handle it. they've been nice all week. i hope i haven't messed up... things are tough for me right now. i can't bare to lose my job.... but anyway... it's late and i should try to sleep. unfortunately the antibotic is really making me sick to my tummy... blah... i hope it's just an inital getting used to it type upset stomach. blah, again...
so, yeah, i'll try to sleep. take care... and Turtle, you are a part of me... thanks.
saturday, february 23, 2002
looking for alittle help
sometimes it feels like i'm stuck out in the middle of the lake where i grew up. stuck out there trying to get to shore.... but, just like in a dream, i'm trying - just not moving. i see the same things again and again... do the same things over and over. i try old methods that didn't work the first time... what in the world makes me think they'd work this time?
looking back at my life... sitting here now... i think that i could or would or should understand it... i should see that i grew up a very sad little girl inside. i held it in most of the time so i wouldn't worry people. we, people like me, are great actors. we can hide things when we think we need to. and, we can show you whatever we think you want to see. i'm not saying that i had an awful childhood... because i didn't. my parents were good parents... they allowed us to do things we wanted to do. but that didn't take away from the sad feeling that sat in my chest most of the time.
somedays i think i can fight it all off... the demon... the boogie man. the important word in that sentence is "think". see the demon, it can also hide things and show off at anytime. it lays in wait of a weak point to jump in and fuck things up again. i realize that i don't sound like i'm taking any responsibility for my actions. i do. believe me, i do. but that's just it... i don't know when it's me screwing up or the demon. at least lately i don't know.
this entry isn't meant to frighten anyone. i'm fine, really. but this just goes to show that i don't "get better". i learn coping skills... it's always a struggle... and it's always going to be.
sunday, february 24, 2002
... on acting
i mentioned yesterday that "we" tend to be good actors... hiding what we need to hide and showing what we want to be seen. so i'm realizing that this is exactly what's going on with me right now. i'm in trouble again. my finances are bad, bad, bad... my apartment is too expensive. jonathan is damn expensive for just one visit... i see him twice a week usually. i can pay my utilities and rent but i've just gotten behind on everything else... it's hard. i should be asking for help. but, instead, i don't let anyone know just how bad it is. in turn, they continue to be proud of me. they don't know.....
sometimes i think i don't tell people things because i want to work it all out on my own. i don't want to bother anyone... upset anyone... don't want anyone to get angry with me. however, what usually happens is that i end up in a really bad place and people have to bail me out. i don't want that to happen this time. why can't i just win the lottery?
so, i'm going to go to people this week with my tail between my legs and ask for help... or advice... i don't know what else to do at this point. i think just talking about it here will be helpful... i'll just see what happens.
tuesday, february 26, 2002
as i've grown...
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned to say "F--- 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.
thanks, laura, for the email....
thursday, february 28, 2002
run away with my heart
I keep on fallin'
In and out of love
With you
Sometimes I love ya
Sometimes you make me blue
Sometimes I feel good
At times I feel used
Lovin you darlin'
Makes me so confused
-- alicia keys, fallin'
you did... but you know that... you ran away with my heart and now... now where am i? without you... always without you. no one has ever touched me the way you so magically touch. scary, thinking of coming close to you only to not ever have you. it was good of you to give me back my heart though... no doubt i'll need it again one day- not anytime soon because i'm afraid i've forgotten how it works. i sit here, giggling, knowing that you are smiling too. you're little nut... yes, i am.
this entry originally meant to be very serious. and, serious usually means depressing to me... but not this time. i'm happy knowing that i have you there... locked away in my heart. you survive in my fantasy world and that is where you'll probably always be. but that's ok. i love you still. thank you... for making smile this time. kisses for you... always.