sunday, february, 2003
so this is how it is
every morning i get up outta bed struggling... no, it's not easy for me. you see me as being functional so the demons must be gone. but they aren't. and it irratates me that you don't see it.
i get up in the morning and take a shower... the whole nine yards... then i put my warm scarf around my neck and my head band over my ears.. i put on my wonderfully warm red coat and go out there into this weather.
i don't understand what makes me any different than you. yeah. i've been working pretty steadily... i seem good. but you forget about all the stuff "we" keep inside. that's one of the things that stands in our way to getting better... recovered...
i've watched for a very long time now... and at this point i'm washing my hands of you. it's time to just let you figure it out on your own. i had to do it and lots of other people in this world have learned to do it. stop making excuses and start trying.
wednesday, february 12, 2003
so this is how it is ... again
so here i sit. no music playing. tv off. no one is home but me. i'm incredibly lonely and at the same time happy... i'm hateful and angry and at the same time carefree... nothing seems to be working right here where i'm living. i'm angry about stuff that i can't seem to stand up for myself to say. this isn't the entry i wanted to write...
i watch this show every wednesday night. there's this girl on the show that i envy so much. i know. i know. it's just a show.... but i want what her character is all about... i want to be that way. it's ok though because when i was little and people would tell me fairy tales i believed in them too. more like i wanted them to be true - at least the ones with happy endings - don't they all have happy endings? that's just the person i am.
lots of things have rocked my world lately. i'm holding on... but that's the thing. that's all i'm doing... hanging on when i want to be normal... (i want to be that girl on tv). jonathan always asks what it is that i preceive to be(spell?) normal. normal to me.... i want to be thin and beautiful. i want to continue working - doing what i'm doing. i want my own place and the strength to make work. but at the same time i want to be married... have children... i want someone who will honestly love me - not just superficially (spell again). when will i ever be able to trust someone's feelings for me? no one has ever really meant it when he's said he loved me.... and, i want people to come to me... why do i always have to go to them? do i scare people away? that's what it feels like.
right now, sitting here i'm just taking in the quiet around me. i don't think i'll ever be that person that i really want to be. it's too late for that. so now what do i do for the rest of my life? open up myself for someone else to break my heart? open up and show people the ugly monster i have all tied up and in control at the moment inside of me? i don't know. i just don't know. but it's ok because over that last few days, i've come to the conclusion that there isn't an answer for everything in this world. some things just are.
friday, february 14, 2003
valentine's day
Not an easy question to answer. In a nutshell, I think like the subject matter, it's really hard to figure out how to explain love. But what we narrowed it down to is... is it ever too late to tell somebody you love them? And I think people have really started thinking about that. I think the older you get the more fearful you become of putting yourself on the line.
-- sandra bullock on two weeks notice
saturday, february 15, 2003
the hangover
no... i don't have a hangover. i've been past that stuff for years. i'm sorta talking about the way i'm feeling now that valentine's day is over. i slipped a little... i sent ryan a valentine's card... just an e-card... nothing fancy schmancy... but he probably thinks i'm totally wanting him back now. geesh why do i do this to myself? i just thought that he'd been nice to me earlier in the week so i'd be nice back. oh well. i don't want to make too much outta it. frankly, he doesn't have anything to do with the "hangover". i thought i did a real good job yesterday being alone. i've told jonathan over and over again that i don't think i could deal with a boyfriend right now... but yesterday, only because it was valentine's day, i think i questioned that... i was going to come home and write about my feelings. but i'd remembered the quote by sandra bullock about the movie two weeks notice. that should be in italics or underlined or something. so i put it up there for all to see. and i think it was quite fitting for the occassion....
so i'm going now..... not much of a hangover.. take care and tell em ya love em if you think you should....... jami
sunday, february 16, 2003
trust the journey
or
I can't get out of my own way
words to follow...
wednesday, february 19, 2003
trust the journey
or
I can't get out of my own way
i promised words would follow. the first title i figured out at church... the second came from a show i was watching friday nite... Hack, I think.
trust the journey... it's funny, today i was working with my retrieval students for the first time. they were upset about the certain rules that they had to follow and others didn't. i don't know how many times i said to them that they needed to think of the end result of the program... they'll be sophmores... otherwise they stay freshmen for another year. so i told them to just trust me... that i would get them to that end. but, there is work to and experiences to have in order to make it there. i promised them that i'd be there with them the whole way. and i mean that. i've always meant that as a teacher. but in my own life....
in my life i feel like i can't get out of my own way... this is my own perception of course. i understand that. so many people have told me of the changes they've seen me make. i don't see the changes... or i just expect that i should have them and so they don't make a huge difference to me. i should get up and go to work everyday so when i do it shouldn't be a big deal. however, i know better. and i get so stuck in the mistakes. both jonathan and weight watchers talked about positive self-talk... at least in a nutshell they were both going there. if i can only believe in myself i can do it... whatever it is. i can get out of my way and do it...
i really wanted this entry to be profound... that's why i waited on sunday to write... was waiting for the words that would work. i really don't think i got close to them this time either..... but....... it's here. i know what i need to do... and i'll get out of my way in time to do it i suppose.
friday, february 21, 2003
Dixie Chicks - excerpts from
Cowboy Take Me Away
i said i wanna touch the earth
i wanna break it in my hands
i wanna grow something wild and unruly
i wanna sleep on the hard ground
in the comfort of your arms
on a pillow of bluebonnets
in a blanket made of stars
oh it sounds so good to me i said
.......
i wann walk and not run
i wanna skip and not fall
i wanna look at the horizon
and not see a building standing tall
i wanna be the only one
for miles and miles
except for maybe you
and your simple smile
oh it sounds good to me
yes it sounds so good to me
.......
i said i wanna touch the earth
i wanna break it in my hands
i wanna grow something
wild and unruly
oh it sounds so good to me
Cowboy take me away
Fly this girl as high as you can
thursday, february 27, 2003
broken
i just feel broken. i feel there is this HUGE thing missing in my life but have no clue what it is. jonathan and i cut back to once a week and i don't particularly like... i just sorta think i'm not at a place in my life that cutting back is such a great idea. but i wanna try it. i don't know why. maybe i feel like i'm putting jonathan out. shit.... this is stupid. i am tired from work and completely NOT creative at this moment. i'll be back.