friday, february 5, 2004
looking back on 1998
he looks at everyone that way
it's about a simple look
a simple touch or nudge.
the smile and the gaze.
i know it wasn't you...
it was something much more than you
when we finally did touch
the shock of it rocked my body
for what seemed like forever
i still shake
but it wasn't you
it was something much more than you
when we shared that shower
we did it together - bonding
two souls together forever.
the water washed away all the impurities
it left us there ...
it left our souls...
pure - innocent and one.
it was all that an more
but it wasn't you
it was something much more grand...
than either of us could have expected
i'll have it forever, that feeling,
in my life, my heart and in my soul
--- me, october 17, 1998
upon moving into my van
Joy, Pure Joy, I am
what I always wanted
to grow up to be.
Things are becoming
more of a dream with
each waking day -
The heavy brows of daily life
are becoming encrusted
with glitter and the shaking finger
of consequence is beginning to giggle
Grumpy old men
have wings
Bums sport halos
and everyday dullness
has begun to breath
as i remember the
incredible lightness
of living.....
--jewel, circa 1998
wednesday, february 11, 2004
the beginning...
the letting go
this is a very difficult time for me. you see, i'm moving "home" in june. i've lived in chicago long enough. i just can't take it anymore. the city moves 24/7. i do not. i grew up in a very small town (at the time) with only one stoplight - and that blinked yellow/red after 9:00pm every night. after 9pm the city slept. chicago does not.
one of my favorite memories of that small town is of me being the only girl on the boy's little league baseball teams - until they didn't want me to play with them anymore and made a softball league out of girls who were still playing with their barbies. my mother gave my barbies away when i was very young. can't remember ever playing with them. i had Tonka Trucks! i am a small town gal.
the problem with this going "home" thing is that i really don't have a "home" back in bristol, indiana anymore. sure, a few people i grew up with still live out there on that dead end road on Indiana lake. but my family does not. they moved. not far from bristol, but far enough that i'm not sure it can be considered home. it's all in the same area i ran around in while i was growing up. well almost... my parents are there now - only from may through september. so is it home? where is home? i'm not fond of the saying that home is where you hang your hat. it's not - absolutely not. i've hung my hat here in chicago for 8 years now and IT IS NOT home - not even close. and neither have any of the other places i landed between 1991 and now.
so why have i stayed so long. if you are new to this site you'll not understand this.... i stayed here for my therapist, jonathan. he saved me from a very difficult time in my life. acutally that time should be plural... he's saved me many times. times that at any moment could return and strike me down again.... it could have at any time in the last several years that i've known him (nearly all 8 years that i've been here). i stayed just incase something happened. i stayed beause i was afraid to leave his side. i stayed because only he could keep me alive... at least for the time being. i always believed that HE'D leave ME first. he'd leave me high and dry and i'd be right back where i was in no time at all because ONLY HE knew me... only he could save me from the demons. but here i go... i'm leaving him instead.
although i've been making some plans, jonathan and i haven't really started talking about the reality of it all... well, until a few weeks ago - maybe a month. sessions are different now. i lose my thoughts constantly... just looking at him and thinking that i've needed him so much in my life what in the world do i think i'm doing leaving him. i look into his eyes for signs that he really does believe that i can do this but i'm not feeling as though i see it even if he does say he supports it. and i believe that he does. it just doesn't feel right sitting there across from him.
phone sessions - he says. we'll have phone sessions and i can visit maybe. i just sit here today and shake my head thinking "what in the hell are you doing, jami!" i'm scared. i'm confident that i can do it... at least i am until i go sit down there on that couch and am suddenly inundated with memories of sessions in my past. for instance, a session with jon, my parents and me... "i'm afraid i'm like my retarded uncle and someone is always going to have to take care of me." - seeing the tears in my mother's eyes... jonathan's eyes assuring me that i was safe... the memory of the walk we took - him trying desparately to keep me out of the hospital or maybe just keeping me alive. i can't describe his look.. i can't remember the walk.
the bell is going to ring and i'm going to have to teach these inner-city chicago students for another day. it does me good to remind myself that i'm leaving at the end of the year. well.... it does until i think of jonathan.
i'll be back with more of the letting go... the moving on... until then take care - talk soon!
monday, february 16, 2004
...first for jess
... then to blair
and then back to
the letting go
jess, i admire you so much. i sat down to read my email lastnight and when i opened yours and read the support and understanding that you shared with me i had to cry. although the two of us have never met - which is often the case when it comes to this computer - we seem to have shared so much. i remember the first time you emailed me. i couldn't believe that i had actually "reached" anyone. i couldn't believe that i had done (i think) what so much of this site was actually about. i had connected with someone and that someone finally connected with someone who understood her pain.
i watched you through your words as you grew up and out of some of the places that the demons had been holding you hostage. i watched as you took control of yourself - feeling that it was your only way out. and now i watch you as a mother and wife and a very supportive friend.
thank you so much for not giving up on me. for reading on through all the garbage that i've posted so often. without you my counter may have stayed stuck at a certain number. ah, but that brings me to my next note. stay well jess! you are an inspiration to me! jami
blair, hmmm, you are the other who keeps my counter moving! but more importantly, you too have never given up on me. i don't know why. you should have by now. but i thank God that you haven't. you are a super special guy. you remind me that i can get through just about anything i'm finding myself in. you remind me that you know what it's like. and those little bits of emails back and forth... well they make my day - at times it's the only thing that does! thank you blair. you are a doll and a damn fine one at that! thank you too for never letting go. for sifting through all the crap that no one else would bother with. thank you for pulling out pieces of those entries and reminding me... showing me... the support and understanding you have for me. thank you dearly! jami
back to the letting go
i've been out of chicago for 5 days now. jeff and i went to nevada to lose some money at the casinos. however, feeling i need to brag a bit, i came home a winner! (now, for sure, i'll never win again in a casino). being away has been nice i guess. i woke up this morning at jeff's and had an upset stomach. i guess it's just a habit for my body to try to revolt on monday mornings. those demons, damn demons!
i was talking to jeff yesterday about just getting into a normal (is anything normal these days) school again. i love to teach. i just get so sick when i think about going into that school. there are so many unnecessary things for us to do. it leaves us very little time to teach and try to "reach" my poor At Risk students. they need so much and i can only give them so little - no time for anything else. i don't want to run away from them but at this point i don't think i have a choice. i don't know what more to say or do about that.
it's lunch time. i'll be back soon... thanks jess, thanks blair and thank you to anyone else who is following along with them... take care - talk soon!
wednesday, february 26, 2004
still...
the letting go thing
i put a wet soap spongey thing on the side of the tub next to the wooden vanity. for a moment i thought to myself that i really shouldn't do that because it will ruin the wood... decay. then it struck me. this is not my home. i don't need to worry. unless of course i did something really awful to the place. no. it's not my home. funny, it's not that i don't know what are where to call home at the moment, i realized that the longest i have ever been anywhere is 50654 Teall Rd, Bristol, IN 46507. phone number 219-848-4951!. that's where i grew up. but even that place isn't my home anymore. someone has moved in on all of my security and safety. aside from that one place i haven't been in a place for more than 2 years at a time. since i was 18 years old i haven't lived anywhere for more than 2 years. i have nothing to show for those nearly 20 years of wandering. everywhere i go i seem to lose just a few more of my things... and a little bit more of myself. nothing is permanent - only that change will always occur. but i'm tired and weary. i want to go home - someplace that will offer what that big red house on the lake in Bristol offered! so i'll up-root myself one more time. i'll go back to what seems normal, familiar and safe to me. i'll just pack it all up - all my things, turn and flip off the lights and just say good-bye - only this time, it'll be "good-bye Chicago". have a great day. take care - talk soon.