January 2007
13 - thunder road
19 - on death and dying - part II
saturday, january 13, 2007
thunder road - circa 1975
...And my car's out back if you're
ready to take that long walk
From your front porch to my front seat
The door's open but the ride it ain't free
And I know you're lonely and
there's words that I ain't spoken
But tonight we'll be free,
all the promises'll be broken
There were ghosts in the eyes of
all the boys you sent away
They haunt this dusty beach road
In the skeleton frames of burned out Chevrolets
They scream your name at night in the street
Your graduation gown lies in rags at their feet
And in the lonely cool before dawn
you hear their engines roaring on
But when you get to the porch they're gone
On the wind, so Mary climb in
It's a town full of losers and
I'm pulling out of here to win.....
... thunder road, bruce springsteen
i had been in college for 4 years the first time i heard this song - that would have been at least 1985. ten years after the song came out. and here it is 2007 another 10+ years and the song still rocks!
i had intended to write a different entry. but i kicked up itunes and this came up. i've been thinking lately that i really don't want to give up on this website. i have a lot invested in it. i'm not sure how long yahoo-geocities is going to let me have this up. i'm hoping it's indefinitely. people tell me that i should write a book. i wouldn't know where to begin - unless i put this site into a book. and if i did, how fun would it be to read this book? i'd have to change names and i'm not sure it'd be all that cool if i changed the names. the book wouldn't be real to me. but who actually writes a book for himself? um... i really don't know the answer to that question.
it seems like when i want to write about all those times before the "demon attack of 1999" i just can't seem to find the words. i understand, i guess. those were some really fucked up times. and... most of them i feel never really happened - they couldn't - they seem like another world. and believe me, i lived them like they were another world. my first marriage even seems like it could never have happened. who was i and where did that person go? do you suppose that the demons worked some "good" magic? God, how could i ever believe that what happened those 8 years could have all been for good? i know i've written that before, but man, all that suffering - mine and my parents....
so recently jeff has admitted to doing some less than morally right things regarding to that computer. the term addiction has been used. while i don't believe he's an addict... the conversation with our therapist certainly makes me think about my past addictions. sex, alcohol... spending money like it was nothing. those things took over my life. demons i suppose. i can't just settle by saying that the demons took over my life - makes it seem like i'm not taking responsiblity for my actions. i was wondering just last night about how i could have possibly done some of the things i did way back then. *shaking my head in complete disbelief* what was i thinking? i took advantage of anything and everyone i could - most awfully taking advantage of my parents. it's a miracle that they still claim me.
as always, a promise to be back soon..... jw
if i had a million dollars i'd buy you an exotic cat!
friday, january 19, 2007
unknown artist
fuck! that's what i have for ya. FUCK FUCK FUCK! lauren and i buried her best friend today. she killed herself - shot herself right through the heart. what the hell do you say about something like that? fuck seems to work so well.
i knew michelle. the girl rocked. she really just plain ole rocked! i knew that she went through some shit and was fighting the "good" fight. for lack of a better term.
she shot herself monday night... in her room at her mom's house. her nephew, adam, found her.... he heard the shot and ran in to find her on the floor gasping for air.
she and lauren were hardcore. they would self-injure together. what the hell is that all about?
i met michelle when i lived in hutchinson house, the group home i lived in. she was lauren's best friend.
we hung out. it was always a great time when we hung out. there was still the pain somewhere in there in each of us. but for a few moments, with michelle, you could be still and know that you were ok - for just that moment - you were ok.
"you have a few good moments... then a few more and before you know it you learn to string enough of them together and you have a life." i don't know who told me that.... maybe i read it somewhere. i never believed it. but then, that's part of the fucked-up-ness about depression... or whatever you have.
i guess the part that really pisses me off is the part where you sit still for a moment... feeling like you've come so damn far and you start to think about what it was really like when you couldn't string those moments together for much more than a few seconds. here i am doing a damn good job of arranging the bad shit around the good stuff for a change. here i am... struggling with whether i should pack up and go with my husband to columbus and it hits me. FUCK! this is nothing, jami. nothing. pack your ass up and you go with that man. he makes the moments last. he's not the cure, but he is the reason that it's easier to put up with the shit.
you think that you've gotten somewhere.... you've flipped off the demons and said "go to hell!" and then suddenly satan decides to tell you that he doesn't appreciate you turnin' your back on him and so he gets you.... he takes away a part of your life - for even just a moment and that moment hurts like a bitch! you think that damn it! we were past all of that shit. we were well! we'd looked that asshole in the eyes and said go screw yourself.
i wonder if i became complacient (can't spell that word and don't even know if i used it correctly). am i allowed to move on and forget all that shit or not? i really thought i was. it's just not fair that "it" got us again. i'm back to looking over my shoulder. and i'm worrried.....
.... is lauren next?