Saturday, July 8, 2000
read 'em over

boy, my writing lately really has been awful! i read over some of my past stuff and it's MUCH better. i had a point then. now it seems that i just babble. i guess - no, i know that's what i need to do right now. just get it out. supposedly that that helps the 'recovery' process. medicine is supposed to do that too though. i feel like i have many times in the past... i'd like to just chuck it all (the medicine) and try to do it on my own. the meds just seem to make it worse! i don't know. well, acutally, i do... i need to stay on them. i'm just so damn impatient. i've been messin with it all sooooo long - at least for me it's been a long time.

i have a friend that i talk to once in awhile and he always asks how my job is... or, makes a comment about how busy he's been and how i wouldn't know what it's like. i know he doesn't mean any harm. this guy is a complete joker - all the time. i don't think i've ever heard a serious thing out of his mouth. it's just that...... when i first met him i was working. i was working my ass off! now i just feel like such a loser. i don't have a direction... a firm direction at least. i've discussed it with David and my parents too.... i know what i want to do - eventually - when i get "better". but from day to day i can't concentrate long enough to get my shoes tied. thank God for my birkenstocks!

i'm sorry i'm whining again...... i just have so much junk upstairs in my head. when i get a chance to let some out in ways other than cutting myself i like to do so. journaling is one of those ways.

i'm home all weekend. i don't have plans and of course i don't have any money. i'm sure i'll be back VERY soon! talk to you all later....... me

Friday, July 7, 2000
a letter to a friend

Dear Friend,

i don't know you. i don't know where you live or what you do in life. i do know that you are frustrated. i do know that you don't like what i do. i wish i could find some way to explain. i've thought about this so many times... see, you aren't the first to turn from me and walk away. this is my attempt to keep you in my life. i hope it works.

i thought perhaps i'd tell you that cutting myself isn't something that i enjoy. but, anyone who knows anything about self-injury would tell you that that is not true. that we do "enjoy" it.... at least we think we do. so, since i can't tell you that.... let me try something else. i'll tell you that i need you in my life. i need your frustration, maybe even your anger, but more importantly, i need your honesty... if i have yours it will be much easier to give you mine.

it's been a few days since i've cut myself... but cutting isn't the only way to self-injure. have i done it other ways? probably but those might be easier for you to deal with. they aren't as scary as cutting. i wish i knew what you think goes through MY head when i do it... do you think i'm trying to kill myself? do you think i'm just plain crazy? could you understand that it's the only way i feel any relief in my life at this time? you see, i don't have much control over my life - at least it feels that way at the moment. but cutting, cutting is MY thing... MY issue... a way that I can take control over MY life. i choose when i want to cut. i choose how much to cut. and, believe it or not, i can choose how deep i go. i realize this isn't a positive way of helping myself but it's all i have at the moment. i search constantly to find new ways but none have seemed to work....

my friend, i love you. i want you to see that being angry with me is ok. i wish you could see that it is fine with me if you don't understand... because i don't understand it too well myself. i hope you will one day accept that i'm not trying to hurt you.... i'm trying to just figure out a way to HELP me. more than anything.... i just want your friendship. i want you to know that you are allowed to feel however you feel about what i do. i want to be ok. i want to not feel the things that i feel. i don't want to be so scared anymore. i don't want to be so angry. you are a role model for me.... in you i see that there is hope for me...

i guess that's all for tonight. thank you my friend, wherever you are!

jami

Friday, July 7, 2000
Now What?

this has not been a particularly good week for me. i've been having a lot of problems staying put with myself... my psychiatrist likes to call it dissociation... whatever the case he upped my medicine (the one i take for such problems) from 25mg to 100mg. DAMN! one thing IS for sure, i have slept well at night. couldn't help but do so. it's a bit of a sedative.

so where am i now? i'm tired as hell but Emily (staff here) doesn't want me to sleep yet. david isn't home so i can't talk to him on the phone. i'm really sorta lost. i'd love to describe what i've been feeling but i don't seem to have the energy to do so. i do know that my impulse to cut is VERY strong right now. it has been for some time now........ i've been very lucky to NOT hurt myself. i wish i could tell you all how i've done it but i can't. i guess i've just not wanted it badly enough - to cut. that is a good thing.

boy i am babbling. i can tell. i don't have anything wonderful to talk about but i don't want to quit either. the doctor increased my meds for a couple reasons actually. one was for the dissociating and the second was because i've been so damn depressed. i had accumulated some great coping skills while i was at my last IOP program. wednesday i suddenly realized that they weren't working anymore. that is terrifying. you go back to feeling like there is absolutely nothing in the world that can help lift the damn depression. NOTHING! NO ONE! i began to feel like i was/am going to be this sick for the rest of my life. i was thinking that i should tell david not to "wait" for me anymore... he should move on and find someone who won't bring him down all the time. i was even beginning to think that maybe everyone would be better off without me.

i'm sure this next part was just part of my imagination but i felt like my parents have this burden now..... ME. that i'm always going to need to rely on them for help. that i'm some sort of cripple that won't ever be capable of living my life unassisted. sorta like my gramma having to take care of my great uncle (her brother) all her life. i pictured in my mind how they were going to have to start dragging me along with them places because i couldn't do any of them alone. now i ask you.... how fair is that for them? i'm sure i was over exaggerating my feelings.... but sometimes i can't help it and sometimes they seem so real.

i'm going to go now. i have to check in with Emily. hopefully i'll go take a nap after that. i do want to say a couple more things.... my jessy, i'm here... i'm reading and looking forward to the emails that you send me! i'm sorry i've been so slow to reply. ashlee, if you are reading this, i'm sorry i haven't returned your email. you aunt can probably atest to the fact that i'm an awful emailer - something i'm not very proud of. and, to the rest of you reading, thank you so much for coming here and reading and accepting me for who i am.

everybody take care..... be back as soon as i can.

Tuesday, July 4, 2000
God Bless America

i just got in from my long weekend..... i'll be back to write an entry for you! *kisses*