july 5, 2001
for you

i can feel you reaching out
but slamming the door shut
open, closed without a reason
you love the feeling - not the person
or do you really want her too?

i can see that it's all the same
go to sleep, wake up it's gone
hesitation can't stop the desire
wish for things to change this time
boundaries there for protection

how do we know it's different now
stopping to check in with ourselves
go, wait, move forward, retreat
it's a jagged road we chose today
just a need to keep a safe distance
----- july, 2001

monday, july 9, 2001
crazy days

i'm sooooooooo busy. i'll be back soon.

tuesday, july 10, 2001
times, they are a changing....

exactly a year ago today i went into the hospital. it was suppose to be for a couple of days to get my meds adjusted..... 6 weeks later and a totally different hospital than i'd gone to i walked out. here i am today.

here i am today. i'm sitting at my desk at school preparing to teach.... suddenly i'm terrified.... or not. i'm not sure what i'm feeling. jonathan constantly asks me about my feelings. he says i'm not great at expressing them. ... says it hasn't been ok for me to express them in the past. i don't know. i think i did a fine job expressing myself this weekend.

but anyway.... a year ago.... i don't think there's a day that goes by that i don't think about that experience at least once. lately i've been encouraged to think about what it is that i learned or have learned about my past. i don't really know what you learn in a situation like that. i survived it. that's about all i could do. i really think i was dying. *shaking my head* i just can't believe where i am now compared to that day in july last year.

moving on..... such a great thing to do. it's been a long time - a damn long time - since i've been able to move forward. but, now that i'm doing it i really don't want anyone to get in my way. look out world.... *smile* still, there in the back of my head is that thought that one day all of this my just crash down around me again. i suppose it really could happen. but i have a lot of support this time..... sitting here typing this i can't help but think about my turtle friend. God he's been great. i miss our talks. but i understand that we are both doing things that keep us from "getting together". still.... i know you come here and that means the world to me.

i guess i should get started on lesson plans. thanks to all of you for the past year of support... i have troubles believing i deserve it from all of you... BUT... i'll take it. talk soon.... j

wednesday, july 11, 2001
dear ronnie

i don't know where to start this. what do you say to someone who's taken his life? i suppose most people would say they are mad at someone like you. i'm not mad. i understand and i'm sorry. i don't know what it was that finally pushed you to the end. it's been so long since i've seen you.... or thought of you. dru told me you killed yourself. just the other day she said she was thinking about Bristol Homecoming and how we all ran around together.... then she heard the news and even more memories invaded her thoughts. i'm sure they are close to the ones i've got dancing around at the moment.

i'm rambling.

i'm sad.

i wish i'd known you now... before you decided to die. ya see i've been dealing with my own demons. demons suck and they.... well, i guess you already know that..... i wish i could have helped you. i'm sad ron. i'm very sorry and very sad and i think i might be a bit numb at the moment. i have to go back to teaching my class. i don't want to say good-bye but i guess that's all that's left. funny.... after all these years apart i still feel like you are right around the corner. why did we have to grow up... heh... why were you attacked by the demons too? geeesh, i have so much more i want to say...... this is disjointed and a babbling mess... i'll be back. good-bye for now. jami

friday, july 13, 2001
hanging by a moment

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer to where I started
chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely Incomplete
I'll take your invitation
you take all of me

sunday, july 15, 2001
happy birthday to me

tomorrow is my 35th birthday.

i don't want to turn 35. i think i'm afraid of growing old. throughout the years i think i assumed that i'd have certain things in my life. normal things... things like a good marriage, wonderful kids, a house.... job, car.... material things. they don't mean much to me - i just assumed, took for granted, that i'd have those things. "normal" people have those things. normal.... normal.... there's that word again. i feel like i'm getting too old to ever have those things. i suppose i might get married again - you never get too old to get married. the house... the job... the car... those things can still come. So, i should just come right out with it and say it's the wonderful kids part that i'm slowing learning to let go of.... let's face it, i'm 35 years old. there isn't a wedding in my near future. by the time that happens - if it ever does - i'll be way too old to have kids. hmmmmm. i don't really have much more to say. actually, i do, i just can't share it here. not right now. so off i go about my day. hanging onto 34 for as long as i possibly can. 35 comes regardless. life continues. things will come as they come.

tomorrow is my 35th birthday

monday, july 16, 2001
where are you today?

at times i could feel you as if you were right here with me. it is no surprise that i looked upon you as some silly saviour... you were my knight in shining armor. i wonder if it just became too much for you to bare. it's funny, usually people leave when the going gets tough.... things are good right now - very good. where are you today?

sounds ridicules to say that i'm afraid to move ahead without you there. it's sounds so crazy considering all i've done has been alone... with you millions of miles away... a few words on a screen to comfort me at times when i thought i couldn't go on. where are you today?

i miss the turtle rides... the smiles and hugs... your smiles.... i could see them.... just a picture in my mind. but i don't need you like i did. that's bullshit. i need you just as much because you have become a part of me. a very scary thought.... what part of me you've become i can't explain... again, probably something that you don't wish to hear about. where are you today?

things ARE going great. i've never been happier. but there is still a part of me that feels like i'm losing something.... i'll be fine - i'll stay happy because the things in my life are working out so well. i just don't wish to give up the part that belongs to you. how do i say this so that it doesn't sound like you mean more to me than you really do? look, it's just that i miss you... i don't really know any other way to say it. where are you today?

tuesday, july 17, 2001
making people sad

seems that all my life i've been making people sad when i really don't mean to. someone who was once very, very dear to me is sad at the moment. i've made him sad and i don't know why. david is upset. i can't really understand why. we don't talk at all anymore. oh, he did call lastnight but i was out on the town for my birthday - what an awesome time i had. so i missed his call. i'm sorry i missed it. i think it's the first time he's called me in well, well, well over 2 months. he's had my number. he's always known how to get in touch with me. i've tried so many times to talk to him...... i guess i just don't feel bad about it. no, i really don't feel bad about it. i'm sorry he's sad but i don't know what i can do to change it. things are the way they are because of him. he decided to distance himself from me a very long time ago. i've tried to talk to him about it but i can never reach him. i've emailed him asking him to contact me but NO. and, even if he did contact me i don't really know what i could say to make him feel better. *shrug*

why do i feel like i should do something to make him feel better?

what in the world could i do that i haven't tried?

i held on as long as i could - i had to move on.

it's just a part of me to want to not make people sad.

i'm not sure what more i can say. i don't know if putting this online is going to help. he reads this and it'll piss him off i'm sure. but it seems like, david, that the only way i can get my point across to you is to put it here - online. the only time you contact me (one way or another) is after you read this journal. so..... this is it. what am i trying to say? i'm not sure. i've said it all before i think. i've tried to anyway. i suppose i could ask you to contact me asap......... i don't know....... i just don't know.

friday, july 20, 2001
wish i knew what to say

there he was.... sitting in a corner having a conversation - possibly an arguement with himself. he seemed content. and, he seemed to be winning the battle. well, at least that one battle he had staged with himself. it was obvious to me that he wasn't winning the major one. i'd met lots of people just like this man. been hospitalized with people like him. i felt some connection to that man as i sat there watching him.

jonathan told me the other day that i'm a new woman since i moved out of the group home. my friend tells me that as long as i learned something from my past that it's not a big deal - it's in the past. i'm just not sure how to move along without thinking about it... without remembering that a year ago i was stuck in a state mental institution with people like the little man sitting there in the corner the other day. i'd like to take a magic wand and just zap it all away. i'd like to wake up from this dream and not remember my past.

ok, maybe it's not that i want to forget it. i realize that won't happen. it's just that i feel like i need to tell everyone i meet about it. i'm afraid if i don't and they find out they will think i'm some freak.... hmmm, what does telling them make them think of me? i don't know it just feels like i'm lying to them or deliberately keeping something from them if i don't share it all with them. i suppose i'm thinking too much.

what do you think? if you met me face to face one day, knowing everything that you've read about me, would you think i am a freak? would you be afraid of me? would you even know? i just don't know..... i suppose i should get back to work and stop worrying about stuff like this. i suppose.... talk to you all later.... jami

saturday, july 21, 2001
healthy and normal

i got a response from my last entry - a very honest, well thoughtout response. i won't go into it much more than to say that it made me think. i guess that was the point. actually, my first response to it was that maybe i shouldn't write entries at all anymore. but i knew that wasn't at all what the person was implying. the response came from someone i know quite well in real life - not from a reader i've never met.

i talked to my roommate, laura, a bit about my site. she said that she doesn't read it anymore because it is dark and sometimes very sad. however, she said that it is me. it's a side of me that i keep hidden from people in my everyday existence with them. but, having been in day program with me for several months and just being my friend, she said my site is definintely a reflection of me.

this place is me! it's very much me.... i guess i hadn't noticed that it's a part of me that i keep so hidden. it seems like all i do is obsess about this side of me. it feels like everyone i meet i need to "be honest with them" about who i "really" am. it's my baggage that i'm afraid of suddenly springing on someone so i get it out as quickly as i can. i just hadn't realized that it's not that obvious to those in my real-time life. i don't wear a "F" for freak on my forehead.

so why do i keep this site going if all it does is portray me in a sad, dark way? why do i have a desire to let people know this side of me? what am i trying to do with this site? what's the point? what's the purpose? i tried writing about this in my paper journal lastnight before i went to bed. not much came out. i tried to explain myself to laura - why i do this day in and day out and i'll talk about it with my other friend. do i need to explain myself? do i need to have a reason to do this? does it have to stay dark, sad and lonely? honestly, i think it does.

we all need outlets. i think one of the reasons i've recovered so well is because i have this place. i come here and put whatever i need to put down here. it's sad somedays... dark.... but always, always, always very honest. jonathan would tell me that it's healthy and "normal" to do this website. healthy and "normal" people do this everyday. healthy and "normal" is all i want to feel. it's what i do therapy for... it's what i want in my life. healthy and "normal". so i plan to keep this up. i'm going to keep on doing what's been working for me. now and then i suppose i'll come back down and write one of these entries. but, for the most part, i'll just keep writing what i need to write to stay healthy.

i guess that's all for now..... take care everyone. and, thanks for always being here for me. jami

monday, july 23, 2001
nervous, nervous, nervous

i have an interview in about an hour. i can't remember ever being so nervous about an interview. everyone says really nice things to me - i'll do fine - i'm a good teacher - i'll knock 'em dead.... even my students are going to think nice things about me at 2:00pm. still i'm nervous.

i'm on my way out the door at them moment. i'll check in tomorrow to let you all know how i did....... jami

monday, july 23, 2001
trying to find my way

Trying

Could you let down your hair
and be transparent for a while
Just a little while
To see if you're human after all
Honesty is a hard attribute to find
When we all want to seem like
We got it all figured out
Let me be the first to say that
I don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
Ain't going to pretend like I do

Just trying
To find my way
The best that I know how

hmmmm... that's a tune from Lifehouse called Trying. i know i didn't punctuate that properly but i don't care. in conversations this weekend concerning my latest entries i think i held back. it just sorta came to me as i started to write this entry. i think i needed to let it out..... let them know just how frightening it's been for me lately. i'm always so afraid that the other shoe is going to fall.

things have been great! the job scene is working out for me. i've got great friends. and, i'm seeing a really great guy! i've moved out of the house.... seeing jonathan only once a week now - and the doctor every couple of months. so.... things are going well. but there is still this nagging. i feel like a timebomb sometimes.

i know, i need to be patient. that's always been a problem for me. slow down and enjoy the good stuff - i've never really been good at doing that. i'm just afraid that it's all going to blow up on me. and, if it does, what will the people close to me say? how will it affect them? will it chase them away?

i guess things are just too damn good for me to believe right now. when things are good i tend to look for the hidden agenda behind it all. so far i haven't discovered anything. however, i know what could happen and it scares me. i suppose all i can do is keep trying.... if i do the best i can that's all that should matter.

Just trying
To find my way
The best that I know how

friday, july 20, 2001
wish i knew what to say

there he was.... sitting in a corner having a conversation - possibly an arguement with himself. he seemed content. and, he seemed to be winning the battle. well, at least that one battle he had staged with himself. it was obvious to me that he wasn't winning the major one. i'd met lots of people just like this man. been hospitalized with people like him. i felt some connection to that man as i sat there watching him.

jonathan told me the other day that i'm a new woman since i moved out of the group home. my friend tells me that as long as i learned something from my past that it's not a big deal - it's in the past. i'm just not sure how to move along without thinking about it... without remembering that a year ago i was stuck in a state mental institution with people like the little man sitting there in the corner the other day. i'd like to take a magic wand and just zap it all away. i'd like to wake up from this dream and not remember my past.

ok, maybe it's not that i want to forget it. i realize that won't happen. it's just that i feel like i need to tell everyone i meet about it. i'm afraid if i don't and they find out they will think i'm some freak.... hmmm, what does telling them make them think of me? i don't know it just feels like i'm lying to them or deliberately keeping something from them if i don't share it all with them. i suppose i'm thinking too much.

what do you think? if you met me face to face one day, knowing everything that you've read about me, would you think i am a freak? would you be afraid of me? would you even know? i just don't know..... i suppose i should get back to work and stop worrying about stuff like this. i suppose.... talk to you all later.... jami

saturday, july 21, 2001
healthy and normal

i got a response from my last entry - a very honest, well thoughtout response. i won't go into it much more than to say that it made me think. i guess that was the point. actually, my first response to it was that maybe i shouldn't write entries at all anymore. but i knew that wasn't at all what the person was implying. the response came from someone i know quite well in real life - not from a reader i've never met.

i talked to my roommate, laura, a bit about my site. she said that she doesn't read it anymore because it is dark and sometimes very sad. however, she said that it is me. it's a side of me that i keep hidden from people in my everyday existence with them. but, having been in day program with me for several months and just being my friend, she said my site is definintely a reflection of me.

this place is me! it's very much me.... i guess i hadn't noticed that it's a part of me that i keep so hidden. it seems like all i do is obsess about this side of me. it feels like everyone i meet i need to "be honest with them" about who i "really" am. it's my baggage that i'm afraid of suddenly springing on someone so i get it out as quickly as i can. i just hadn't realized that it's not that obvious to those in my real-time life. i don't wear a "F" for freak on my forehead.

so why do i keep this site going if all it does is portray me in a sad, dark way? why do i have a desire to let people know this side of me? what am i trying to do with this site? what's the point? what's the purpose? i tried writing about this in my paper journal lastnight before i went to bed. not much came out. i tried to explain myself to laura - why i do this day in and day out and i'll talk about it with my other friend. do i need to explain myself? do i need to have a reason to do this? does it have to stay dark, sad and lonely? honestly, i think it does.

we all need outlets. i think one of the reasons i've recovered so well is because i have this place. i come here and put whatever i need to put down here. it's sad somedays... dark.... but always, always, always very honest. jonathan would tell me that it's healthy and "normal" to do this website. healthy and "normal" people do this everyday. healthy and "normal" is all i want to feel. it's what i do therapy for... it's what i want in my life. healthy and "normal". so i plan to keep this up. i'm going to keep on doing what's been working for me. now and then i suppose i'll come back down and write one of these entries. but, for the most part, i'll just keep writing what i need to write to stay healthy.

i guess that's all for now..... take care everyone. and, thanks for always being here for me. jami

monday, july 23, 2001
nervous, nervous, nervous

i have an interview in about an hour. i can't remember ever being so nervous about an interview. everyone says really nice things to me - i'll do fine - i'm a good teacher - i'll knock 'em dead.... even my students are going to think nice things about me at 2:00pm. still i'm nervous.

i'm on my way out the door at them moment. i'll check in tomorrow to let you all know how i did....... jami

monday, july 23, 2001
trying to find my way

Trying

Could you let down your hair
and be transparent for a while
Just a little while
To see if you're human after all
Honesty is a hard attribute to find
When we all want to seem like
We got it all figured out
Let me be the first to say that
I don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
Ain't going to pretend like I do

Just trying
To find my way
The best that I know how

hmmmm... that's a tune from Lifehouse called Trying. i know i didn't punctuate that properly but i don't care. in conversations this weekend concerning my latest entries i think i held back. it just sorta came to me as i started to write this entry. i think i needed to let it out..... let them know just how frightening it's been for me lately. i'm always so afraid that the other shoe is going to fall.

things have been great! the job scene is working out for me. i've got great friends. and, i'm seeing a really great guy! i've moved out of the house.... seeing jonathan only once a week now - and the doctor every couple of months. so.... things are going well. but there is still this nagging. i feel like a timebomb sometimes.

i know, i need to be patient. that's always been a problem for me. slow down and enjoy the good stuff - i've never really been good at doing that. i'm just afraid that it's all going to blow up on me. and, if it does, what will the people close to me say? how will it affect them? will it chase them away?

i guess things are just too damn good for me to believe right now. when things are good i tend to look for the hidden agenda behind it all. so far i haven't discovered anything. however, i know what could happen and it scares me. i suppose all i can do is keep trying.... if i do the best i can that's all that should matter.

Just trying
To find my way
The best that I know how

tuesday, july 24, 2001
spider web - caught in the middle

Oh no, I see
A spider web is tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I said,
Oh no what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
So I turned to run,

They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me.

ok, so not really. i just feel caught up sometimes. walking to school this morning i saw the stripped socks man. he was in a polyester skirt and dirty green tshirt. :O( he's been around the neighborhood since winter began to thaw. he seems like a very nice man. he doesn't beg. he doesn't ask anyone for anything. he just lives in his little world. in august of 1999 i wrote an entry about "howard". he was the man that hung out on the corner near my apartment. he looked a lot like howard stern. he would mumble things about the hallmark - the accepted currency of the Savage Dump. i'd wonder what this place was like. when i see people like the stripped socks man or all the homeless people camping out in the park near Foster Beach i wonder what it's like to be them. my heart goes out to them.

nothing bothers me more than to hear someone say that the homeless people are lazy pieces of shit. they don't want to work - they only want to drink and do drugs. i'm just surprised that people don't see that there's much much more going on in these peoples' lives. i know i can't fix them all - or even make a difference for that matter. it's just so frustrating. no one who has the ability to help these people seem to want to try...... or maybe i'm just way off. maybe there is help for them. maybe someone is making a difference. Gah, i could go on and on about the homeless situation here in Chitown.... but i won't.

the good news is that i'm NOT homeless. AND... i have 4 interviews set up. jeremy, my personal recruiter says i'll have a job by the end of the week. WOOHOO! off i go to teach the kiddies something about factoring polynomials. then i'll trot off to the south end of the city for a interview with someone who is quite desperate to have a real math teacher teach their students. so, until next time. thanks for listening....... jami

wednesday, july 25, 2001
GOT IT!

one job interview!
GOT IT!
woohoo!

friday, july 27, 2001
dancing days

when i started here the softball field next to the school was just a dirt lot. today i'm watching from the window in my room as they put down sod. it's been through soooo many changes this year. i think it's going to be a beautiful complex when it's finished. i'm sorta sad i won't get to see my girl's play on it..... oh well, there will be other fields - other teams.

this is it! this is the last day of my Walter Payton College Prep experience. this is the last entry i'll write from my classroom. No more.... through.... done.... good-bye! will i miss this place - i suppose a couple of students and a few teachers i hung out with. i'll see the teachers again.... we've all ready got happy hours scheduled! the students.... well, i guess there will be others.

in valporaiso i taught at a really little school... k-12 in one building and about 30 kids per graduating class. i had some tough times at Morgan but i made it.... things turned pretty ugly in my personal life the last year i was there. i didn't get to see the seniors graduate.... i'd watched them for 4 years... felt sorta like i didn't get to say goodbye. but i think i learned a lot from that experience. students come and go.

does that sound insensitive? i don't mean to make it sound that way. i'm learning to let things come and go in my life... learning to enjoy things without becoming too attached. i think i've done pretty well.... learning my boundaries with others... learning to set boundaries... i think it's working pretty well. i seem to be ok with it for the most part.

so this is it! no more entires from my desk at Payton. hmmm.... good-bye... good-bye...