friday, july 12, 2002
will a change come
while we're waiting?

i kept the title from my last june entry... will a change come while we're waiting? i just returned from another hospital visit. this time it was 12 days... the major theme of my stay was "change". what am i going to change this time to keep me from slipping back into hell on earth?

i don't know that i came up with anything different... a change? i know that this stay was the toughest stay i've ever had a hospital. the medicines weren't working... i was forced to sit with some extremely painful symptoms. i'm just damn grateful that i made it through. i felt like i was dying...

ya know... this isn't the entry i want to write about. i want to say how fucking pissed off i am that i lost my job because of my damn illness. i was welcomed home by a phone call saying that they hired someone else in my place. they said it was because i was so sick. ok... i see that sick part. but what if i'd had a heart attack? would they have replaced me for that? or a car accident with complications? NO. they wouldn't have fired me. what the hell. i'm really pissed off about it. it's almost ok though... i wasn't really sure that i wanted to teach anymore anyway. but, i'd have liked to make that decision. i'm sick damnit. i can't help it.

that's most of what i wanted to talk about. i'll go for now. there might be more later.... take care - talk soon.


saturday, july 13, 2002
in the arms of an angel

i know, i know. i paste these lyrics here at least every 2 months or so. but God are they soooo comforting to me. i realize the song is about one of sarah's friends' death. but just being in the arms of an angel... i want that. and sometimes, i know this will sound corny, but i feel that way when i talk to my friend turtle... and that could explain all the turtles i have collected in the last couple of years....

i miss some things and people in my life... it's really heavy on my heart today. i guess i just don't want to meet people much anymore because i lose them so quickly. i'm an honest person and it gets me in trouble alot because i assume people are honest me... but doesn't that seem like it should be that way? shouldn't we be able to trust people? if we can't our world will become smaller and smaller and we will be left with only ourselves.

the last couple of months that's exactly what has happened with me. i shut off. and in fact, just recently i trusted someone that i think may have actually broken my heart even though i wasn't into him in a romantic way. i don't think i'd ever experienced that before. it's always been some man that i've been completely in love with that breaks it. this time, it was friend... or a "could have been" friend. i'm sad. yeah, i'm pretty sad. and sad is an emotion that i know. i'm not great other emotions... couldn't be angry someone to save my life... but sad... i do sad.

sarah (mclauchlan) has a way of getting me through things like this... i'm going hold onto her cd for the next couple of days and see if i can work it through.

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

saturday, july 13, 2002
unsettled

what was to be this time?
it wasn't a way for my life to go.
still, i want so much for you to me mine.

reeling in such uncertainty
thoughts twist in odd ways
i choose to know you

the thoughts still haunt me.
there are ways through this, i'm sure
right now this is how i need to be.

others know me all too well.
there are things they know that i don't.
they are aware i live very close to hell.

so i'll let go of the thoughts of you.
they'll be out there to do as you wish.
i'm putting together a different view.
-- me, july 2002


sunday, july 14, 2002
don't know who's this is

"we had no peace of mind or serenity. we had the exact opposite a kind of turmoil and that 'quiet desperation' we knew so well...." i don't know who wrote that and it isn't some song somewhere. i found it in a meditation book i use every morning. it gives me the shivers... it's me... No! really, it's me. turmoil and quiet desperation. Jesus... i want so much more from my life. i think my relationship with Jeff (marriage) turned my life inside out and i still haven't been able to come back around. i do believe taht i am slowly starting to. but that's only been in just a few weeks that I feel better. i feel so much better about who i am. i was use to that "quiet desperation" - but i don't have to be anymore.

i guess that's all i've got to say at the moment. i'll come back with more if i have some.....


monday, july 15, 2002
4:44 am
or
catch me cause i'm fallin'

i just had an amazing dream. i met a guy and fell in love with him. i've never had a dream like that before. he was everything i expected a mate to be. one of my latest meditation prays said to "expect the good things". he was a good thing. i could feel how much he loved me and i loved him. is it just a feeling and you know? is that real? i mean... duh, i know it was just a dream. but, could it be as simple as someone just loving me?

it's too bad that it other day a guy broke my heart... just friend... because now i don't know if i'll be able to recognize love if it's standing there infront of me. i've had my heart broken before but never so early on in a relationship... it was as if the rug was pulled right out from under my feet. and i was no where near in love with this guy. i liked being around him. i liked the way it felt to hear him say my name. but... i don't think so... i don't think i can open up again for a while.

i don't want to be lonely. but i'd rather be lonely and happy then share myself and risk being hurt again. i don't mind being with myself anymore. it's ok. i like myself for the first time in a very, very long time... if not for the first time ever. so maybe being alone is ok... and it won't be lonely because i have other friends that i can count on... granted they are women and i'm not interested sexually that way. but the guy thing.... i think i'll save that for my dreams.


tuesday, july 16, 2002
time and time again
- counting crows

today is my birthday. i don't have anything planned other than to track down the new dave matthews cd. i am so lonely. the anxiety that i was battled with has subsided and this is what i've been left with. believe or not i can deal with this. i'd rather be this way than the other... the other anxiety way.

the happy part is that i am in a mode where i expect good things to happen to me. Lord knows that for 35 years i've been expecting the worst and have probably wished my way into some of those places. so today, as i've been doing for a few days now, i'm wishing for good. no! i'm expecting good things.

i don't have much to talk about today. it's not like people wanna know how lonely you or how old you are... but i write here because it's my place to put it. and today... i'm just flat out lonely. i turn 36 and feel like i'm 22 years old having to start life away from college and parents and all those strings that you had attached to something.

i wanted the ocean to cover over me
i wanna sink slowly without getting wet
maybe someday, I won't be so lonely
and i'll walk on water every chance i get

thrusday, july 18, 2002
where are ya going

turtle... this is for you... it just sounds like the way you have me tied up in you sometimes.... tied up in a good way... i value you. i value the friendship we have. and, sometimes i really think you are my superman even when you swear you are not.... you do have answers for me.... if even you are a million miles away...

where are you going
with your long face pulling down?
don't hide away, like an ocean
but you can i see, but you can smell
and the sound of waves crash down
i am no superman
i have no answers for you
-- dave matthews, where are you going

as you can see i tracked down the new DM cd. i'm thrilled to death over it. what a great find! thanks turtle...

thrusday, july 18, 2002
no idea where i'm going

so i tried to go to this meeting tonight. no one showed up. there i was... the only one. i immediately started thinking that there was something wrong with me. and now... i'm starting to talked negatively about myself.

i don't do anything right
i can't seem to get organized
i should be working but i'm not

when in actuality i didn't do anything wrong. i tried to go to a meeting and no one else showed up. that's their stuff... not mine. so what is really going on with me that i have these thoughts?

i'm alone right now. i like living alone but it's not necessarily a great thing for me i guess. it feels like i'm so alone. and this negative stuff just comes out. i've called everyone i know. i've talked and tried to fake that i'm ok. they say... "fake it until ya make it". i tried that. but the bottom line is that i still am here alone. i've got to get to a place where that is ok.


friday, july 19, 2002
4:00am - what the hell am i doing

mimsie is asleep at me feet wondering what the hell i'm doing. i'm awake. i'm not feeling too anxious or lonely. i wonder alot what went right in my life... what went wrong? i choose (chose) to be alone. i like it that way. just night time gets so damn difficult. there's no one here to talk to... trade "what ifs" and "what's been". no hugs or kick in the asses. it's just me... down to me...

i really think i'm doing much better than i have in a very long time. i'm scared mostly of what is going to happen in the future. but they say that it's my post traumatic stress disorder kicking in. there's some meds that i take that help but it's just something that i have to live through.

i'm learning to make friends. people can't believe that i have a problem with this.... "not Jami. she's definitely not a shy person." and that's true. but that doesn't make it very easy for me to get the friend thing right. my friendships have been about illness. "how's yours?" "mine's in remission." "i'm having a terrible time functioning." i don't think real friendships don't talk about that stuff. i don't know really because i don't have any non-sick friends. all of my friends i've met at mental health facilities. but i'm working on it. getting involved in other things really helps.

so... i'll say good night for now. i'll be back much later in the day i'm sure. i have job interview news and stuff that i'm just not into writing about at the moment.


saturday, july 20, 2002
3:30am - here i am

ain't it crazy
for a moment there
i just gave up trying
but now i see
you can let the light in
you can begin again
ain't it crazy
i lay me down in this sweet perfection
i am a witness to my resurrection
the rest of this melissa etheridge tune says something about tell them all that i'm coming home again.

i do feel like i'm trying after i've given in twice now in a very short time to feelings and emotions that felt a lot like i was dying. but there is a light there... it's out there but it's there. i hate beginnings because that means there had to have been an end. but this time the end is bad enough that i pray for a new beginning. i like where i'm going for a change. it's hard... it's a struggle every hour of everyday but i do it. the more work i put into feeling better the more i witness my onw resurrection. i'm not doing it alone and i realize that.... but i'm doing it and that's what is important.


saturday, july 20, 2002
this time it's 6:00am

i met some people in the hospital the other visit before last. we had a great community group there... we talked and joked and had a great time. but we committed a sin by promising that we were going to stay together when we got out. i miss these people. in a way i feel like fool. i knew better. people in the hospital are close because that's all they/we have. i just really got taken in by surprise. i liked these people alot. and now i don't know where they are... and that makes me sad.

jen... are you ok? rob... what happened? rhonda... thank you for trying to stay in touch.... but our little group is gone now. each of us tied up in our diseases and I HOPE recovering from them in the best way we know how. i guess it doesn't really matter what i think about these people.... we were just brought together for some reason... it feels like a dirty little trick that i think God played on us.... ok... i really don't believe that either. i'm just sad that it happened this way..... i miss you guys.

sunday, july 21, 2002
this time it's 6:00am

Dream Maker

A new late night romance
Entered my wayward dream
And stole my heart away!

All past loves now asleep,
This new lover took me
Completely by surprise.

His soft voice called my name
And Midas-like his touch
Turned my dream to gold.

He called my name again
And spread his arms for mine;
Then my arms reached for his.

With early dawn my eyes
Flew open with a start.
I lay with pounding heart.

Then I called out to him:
"Jesus, I know you're there
To share your perfect love."

"Thank God for dreams at night
That bring this truth to me:
His love can make me free."
-- Dad, july 20, 2002

my dad wrote this poem in response to my July 15th entry which you can view above. at the moment i woke up i wasn't sure what or who it was. it took my father reading the entry to come up with this. i can't believe how perfectly it fits how golden that dream really was. thank you dad! i love you!


tuesday, july 23, 2002
sullivan street
--counting crows

boy i'm not very original at the moment. these lyrics just jumped out at me s i am listening to the counting crows august and everything after.

i'm almost drowning in her sea
she's nearly crawling on her knees
it's almost everything i need
i'm down on my knees
i'm down on my knees

 i'm trying very hard to let go of things that i don't have control over. my father's poem makes me think a lot about God and me... what sort of relationship do i have? what does that relationship have to do with these lyrics? who's down on their knees.... is it me, God? have i finally hit the place where i don't have any other choice than to get down on my knees and crawl... learn how to walk all over again? and, who is drowning in my sea??? through all my treatments i've managed to keep a few people around as friends. but i wonder how often they are drowning in of depression right along with me... and i wonder what keeps them afloat - what keeps them my friends.


wednesday, july 24, 2002
this problem i have

i could do 20 really good, productive things and still feel like i've done nothing. what is wrong with that picture? i can't slow down and enjoy because i think i should be doing, doing, doing something important. i think it's not so much that i don't know how to relax as it's that i tell myself such awful things about myself if i do try to relax... you should do this... you should do that... you shouldn't be here... SHOULD is a word that is bad, bad, bad! just like right now. i've applied to several more jobs online like the paper suggested and i'm still feeling like i shouldn't be here. this takes up time. BUT IM TIRED! I NEED A BREAK.

vicki, a therapist of mine, asked what the payoff is to always beating myself up. she believes that good or bad everthing we do has a pay off... good or bad. so i've been thinking about the payoff.... it certainly isn't a good, healthy one. it's more of a... i don't know really... is it that i get mor attention like this? i mean, that's the obvious one. but i don't think that's it at all. i don't know. this is all very confusing. i need to remember to ask her about it tomorrow at group. it's my last day at adult day care.

right now i just want to chill. it's 4:00. i have a phone appointment at 5 with jonathan and then i'm going to a friend's house for dinner around 7:00 tonight. i'm nervous about it but it's something that i really need - let me say that again - NEED to do. so there ya go... this is what i've been up to.


thursday, july 25, 2002
part 1

it's been so long since i've touched
so long since i wanted
then you made me laugh
and my heart opened

i want you to find me charming and wise
i just want you to find me
somwhere here inside
i barely know you
we've been sorta friends
so what if i called you and called you again
what would i tell you
where would i begin

please forgive me if i don't know what to do
it's an old fire
> this familiar desire
but my skin is painfully new
 -- melissa etheridge, please forgive me

painfully new... i'm going through all these changes right now and i feel so awful... so new to this world. i don't know where i've been living for the last 5-6 years but it hasn't been around here much. the song isn't about anyone... it's more just me saying "hey, i'm new at this again... be good to me please". i'll be back with more later.......


saturday, july 27, 2002
part 1

i have generalized anxiety disorder... you can look it up... basically it means i get anxious all the time for reasons that we don't often know. it just happens. because it happens it gets in the way of alot of friendships and potential freindships. it happened lastnight... twice. i had plans to go with a friend somewhere and called her and told her i couldn't go... i thought i had a good reason. i thought i was moving my other friend to her new place today. as it turns out i'm not really doing that. but after that friend called the other one (the one i was going to help move) called and we went to get a late dinner. she told me that she wanted to old jami back. the fun one... i guess i hadn't realized that i'm just so caught up in this disease right now. but it's what i'm mainly about right now. it's responsible for me losing the last 5 jobs i've had. it's ugly. it's not friendly... it's a demon for sure. well that's all i really have for today. i have to go to a meeting for emotions and then i'm going to head over and see if my friend needs anymore help. thanks for listening......


saturday, july 27, 2002
part 2 - lonely

lone·ly Pronunciation Key (lnl)

Without companions; lone.
Characterized by aloneness; solitary.
Unfrequented by people; desolate: a lonely crossroads.

Dejected by the awareness of being alone. See Synonyms at alone.
Producing such dejection: the loneliest night of the week

 i've been complaining about being lonely a lot lately. so i decided to look te word up... without companions; lone.... this entry is going to drain me. but it's an entry that has been coming on for a very long time. i went to an emotions anonymous meeting today and we talked about being lonely. there doesn't seem to be a way out of it at times. but other times i know there are ways out. i think the depression leads to such isolation that the lonliness just follows. at least that's the way it works for me.

unfrequented by people; desolate: a lonely crossroads.... i am at a crossroads. my friends are noticing it... i'm not the same old jami that they knew. this crossroads is a positive thing in my life... it's just so damn lonely at the same time. so i go on being patient. life is going to turn around.. i have know doubt. but for right now.... i'm lonely.

i don't guess i'm looking for sympathy writing this. like i mentioned it was a difficult entry to write. i'm just learning so much about myself these days.... it's hard not to share it.


sunday, july 28, 2002
please forgive me
- melissa etheridge

i want you to find me charming and wise
i just want you to find me
somewhere here inside
i barely know you
we've been sort of friends
so what if i clled you and called you again
what would i tell you
where would i begin


monday, july 29, 2002
if only i could give you more

my cat is a miracle. she brings me so much joy and happiness.


tuesday, july 30, 2002
the prison
- melissa etheridge

i was high and dry like the Kansas sky
if i ached for any more i knew i'd surely die
night after night trying to get out of my skin
day after lonely day
you'd send me back again

i have stood inside this prison
i have touched it's stony walls
i know before you try to run
you gotta learn to crawl
i tried to leave it all behind me
i drove all night just to drive all day
but the walls of this prison still surround me
and i can't break away.

i am damn proud to say that i have broken away. it hit me one day in the hospital that i was going to be ok. that this is a part of me but it doesn't have to be my prison. i don't have bunches to say about it. just feeling great that i'm not locked up in the prison like i was.....

..... about 8 hours later. i've been back here 3 or 4 times wanting to add something to the entry. now here i am and i'm not sure what i'm adding. been home all day today. i did go out for a walk and i tried to get something done for social security but i don't have all the forms... still... i've been hunting down forms for 2 weeks now and in the mean time i'm not get any money in on my end of it all. i also went to starbucks and sprung for a venti mocha frappcino..... which i probably just spelled wrong.

so i've had alot of time on my hands and it doesn't seem to be a bother to me... that's unusual. normally would be a complete mess. but i've cross-stitched and thought alot about people i met in the hospital... sorta got a little pissed off that the things that we shared were so intense but we couldn't keep a simple promise to stay in touch. i feel robbed. they took my stuff from me.... and i got nothing in return. now all that is left is that i wonder if they ever think of me....


wednesday, july 31, 2002
courage

it isn't for the moment
you are struck that you need courage
but for the long uphill climb
back to sanity
and faith and security
- Anne Morrow Lindberg