Friday, June 30, 2000
the best is yet to come
Man! it's the end of June And it's Friday all ready. where has it all gotten to? Good news is that my birthday is coming soon! July 16th in case you were all wondering! hehe!
i went to this new program this week. it's very frustrating. everyone is so low functioning.... not that i'm Einstein or anything i'm just a bit higher functioning then most of them....
i don't have much for you today. i've been thinking about my new friend. i'm worried about you! she knows who i she is! don't you wish we could just wave magic wands and make everyone ok? ahhh what a dreamer huh?
it's the end of the month. i don't have much to say..... hope you all have a great weekend.
Monday, June 26, 2000
everything STILL remains the same
i want to write an entry. but, i don't know what to say. after all, even though he is my Superman, after awhile you must get tired of hearing about David. NOT that i couldn't continue to write about him..... hmmm.... (ILUD!)
jonathan, called me today. he called me from his cellphone - WOOHOO - big stuff! he called to tell me that he has decided to work with me privately. this is a VERY good thing.... at least until i spoke to my parents last night (yes, before he actually made his decision). my parents didn't particularly like the idea of my working with him. they questioned whether he was too close to me. but, i thought about what they said. in fact, i thought about it nearly all night and most of the day. i'd nearly made the decision to call jonathan and tell him i couldn't work with him when ***BAM*** out the the blue it hit me. the man is a professional. we aren't talking about some graduate student who was doing his internship. he's licensed. he's a professional.... he does this for a living.
the first school i taught for had me teaching 8th, 9th and 11th grade students. the school was VERY small. there was usually at least 1 student that i'd get "close" to in 8th grade and sure enough i'd have that student in 9th grade and then again in 11th. it had to be that way because i was the only math teacher who taught those grades/subjects. now, was it bad that i'd have that student three times? after all, i worked closely (the classes usually had 15-20 kids then them). i don't think it was a bad thing. i was trained to teach kids. i was trained to do my job.... my students learned from me. that's what mattered.... i learn from jonathan.... that's what matters.
so, here i am tonight...... i'm sitting here staring at the telephone because i have to call my parents to tell them or ask them to pay for jonathan until i can get a job. this shouldn't be a problem.... or should it.... i'm 33.... they all ready pay my rent to live in this house.... they aren't thrilled/won't be thrilled at the idea of my working with him.... shit! what do i do?
i really hate delimmas. and, on top of it all some scary man in my group found this house today. i have NO idea how he found it. but, he did.... and, he came here and asked for me... then, he asked for my director. he's very scary. he bothers me and i try to be nice.... i can't be niced anymore! but i hate pissing people off - especially strange people whom i know absolutely nothing about. oh wait, i do know he's a vietnam vet but, that doesn't make him scary.
ok, i don't know where that just came from! sorry, thank you for letting me VENT! :o) i don't really have much more to report. i could talk about my bus trip to the doctor and back. however, i don't have enough disk space to even get started! i'm wondering if i really do like people.... just people in general. i think i do. i just don't like mean people! that's it! just don't like meanies! *stomps on the meanies' toes* ok, i'm getting WAY too weird. i'm going for now! i will talk to you all later on! thanks for reading! me
Friday, June 23, 2000
everything remains the same
thursday morning i added 7 more to my wrist. i'm not overly proud of it. in fact, i'm not proud of it at all. it was a HUGE release for me. as scary and uncomfortable as it may be to hear that.... it was. i feel badly that i haven't told my parents about it yet. i'm not sure what they will say. i'm sure they will be upset. i just wish i could figure out a way to stop doing this and still get the same release.
tonight, as i type this, i'm so very unsure about whether i should write this entry or not. my head is filling up with concrete at this moment. my heart is missing beat after beat... my skin is crawling and i'm beginning to feel like sleeping might be my only choice of respite (sp?). i can't move but my insides feel like they can't sit still..... yeeeeee, this is not a good feeling. i wish i could explain it better.
there are staff members on-duty 24 hours a day here. i didn't talk to them thursday morning but..... i suppose i need to get my ass in there (the office) this time. it's just that i don't know what the hell to say. i can't explain it. it's just a feeling that i get. i don't like it - not at all. the staff person here right now is from Africa and i don't really understand her very well. she has a strong accent. she's here until tomorrow morning...... errrrrr
ok, so, staff is out. luckily, David just came online and i'm talking to him via yahoo messenger. i'm working out a "deal" with him... a safety contract - sorta thing. i'm just doing it a little bit at a time. i promised him i won't hurt myself tonight..... tomorrow we will talk about more. i know it seems like i'm putting a bunch of responsiblity on him. But, he loves me... i know he loves me and wants me to be ok - get past all of this nonsense... because he loves me i'm going to ask him for some help. or, actually, i did ask him for help -- plus, he speaks English without and accent.... big plus.
*Heavy, tired, sigh*
i got an email today. it was sent on thursday but i've been so down i haven't even be able to handle my computer. i don't really know what to say about it.... it came from someone who is a lot like me. i'm happy and i'm sad at the same time.... i'm happy that she found me... this place. but, at the same time i'm sooooo sad that she's going through this too.... she doesn't seem to have the support that i have had. i just want her to know that i'm going to try to continue to write about things here. if it helps her than i'm has happy as if it were helping 100 people. i think it's just the school teacher in me.... or the school teacher in my Dad.
i'm really tired. i'm going to take my meds and go try to sleep. wish i had more exciting stuff to talk about. thanks for reading..... talk to you soon! me
Wednesday, June 21, 2000
just a quickie
my friend Lauren cut herself lastnight... this is a great entry to have follow Happy Father's Day wishes... something about it just doesn't seem kosher. but, she did. 73 stitches in your lower right leg. i had spent the entire day with her... talking and just trying to be some support. just before she went to "take a shower" she was talking to me about all her emergency room stays and how much trouble she gets in usually. she'll walk out of the hospital if no one is looking. she takes things out of the room and tries to hurt herself with them. just craziness - and i use that term lightly. when she first came to me (after she cut) i thought about her telling me that stuff. I should have known... i wondered why she was telling me... i wondered if that was some kind of clue. but, as i drove her to the emergency room i sorta came to peace with it. she couldn't stop me from doing it... how could i possibly stop her?
so, anyone wondering why i hang out with a person like this? especially since i have a history of cutting? or, maybe that history is enough for you to just assume that people like "us" would hang together... ya know, birds of a feather.... stay together sort of thing. truth is..... she won't kill herself cutting - neither will i for that matter. but she is dying inside and i know how that feels. i don't want her to hurt and she doesn't want me to hurt. that doesn't mean i condone cutting to get rid of the ache... i think it just means that i understand why she feels like that's her only option for relief. like i said... been there, done that!
Bob, the head honcho here at the house, asked me to sit and talk to him this afternoon about my feelings.... i didn't have any. i couldn't even dig any up. i wasn't exactly numb... just blank. now, as i get ready to go visit her something strange inside of me hurts. unfortunately i don't have any idea why that might be. i better get going... talk to you all later.
Sunday, June 18, 2000
Hey all my Dad friends...
Happy Father's Day!
I found out last year that Father's Day isn't the same day for all countries. Most of them have the holiday but it just falls on different days..... I decided this year that I'd still wish all my Dad friends Happy Father's Day today.... after all, it's the thought that counts.
It's the thought that counts....... I made something for MY Dad on the computer the other night. he sent it back to me and said he couldn't open it.... *frown* he said it was a great idea and he couldn't think of anything better to get from me but, he couldn't read it.... of course I realized that it was because I made it in html. so.... i decided to put it here for him.
here ya go Dad! Happy Father's Day. I love you dearly!
Thursday, June 16, 2000
what can i say?
it has been quite a while since i wrote an entry. i don't know what has been going on really. my "symptoms" have gotten worse... i just don't know what is causing them.
last friday i called jonathan. for those of you that don't know, he was my therapist from September til the end of my IOP - intensive outpatient therapy program. when i left the program on May 19th we shared some nice words.... i gave him a small token of my appreciation and gave me one. then we decided that I wouldn't contact him for 4 weeks.
i couldn't help it. friday my head was soooo full of concrete... it ached like an old man's arthritis (sp?). i wanted to die. i was frustrated because my primary here at the house said no to spending the weekend with David - the one person who i feel totally safe with. i just felt trapped and antagonized - like a caged animal!
so.... i called jonathan. when his voicemail answered something told me that he wasn't going to call me back.... something told me that he wasn't even there. lauren told me he wouldn't call back..... i was sad. i was angry that i broke down and called him. i was really afraid he wouldn't call back.... he called yesterday. we talked briefly.... even though he told me not to beat myself up for calling him i was uncomfortable talking to him.
my primary told me yesterday that this place may not be a good fit for me! where do i belong? if not here... where do i go? i know i've talked about this before. i wondered about Laura's or David's. but, if i can't hack this home where would i be safe? of course i would like to know why she thinks it's not a "good fit". i have been going through the stress of having one of their staff members come into my room... do things that staff members shouldn't do with the residents.... it has brought up some pretty awful pictures in my mind... it HASN'T BEEN VERY EASY TO BE ALIVE LATELY BECAUSE OF THAT FUCK! but... it might not be a good fit for me.....
shit, no wonder i'm stressed out. sorry it's been awhile. i'm just trying to survive right now. david has been so great through all of this.... today he gave me a beautiful sapphire and diamond ring.... just because... i've never been treated so wonderfully by any man in my life! i love him soooo much! if you read this David, thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me your love and patience... you make me want to be a better person *wink* i love you! my friends and my parents have been great all along as well! i have surely been blessed. i wish i could show them that their prayers and good wishes haven't been for not! thank you guys! i need you and you are there for me! i love you!
Monday, June 5, 2000
my own little world
my world out here - outside of my computer - is really not going very well. if you've read much of my stuff you knew that. last thursday night it got worse. something happened here at the house i'm living in. what happened to me makes me want to crawl into my computer world... with my computer friends and live happily-ever-after. i can't do that though - uh, duh. i wouldn't want to do it either.... i couldn't leave David behind. he IS what makes my world out here acceptable. before this becomes another attempt at a tribute to him, i'll move on to the point.
someone else's life is ruined now because i stood up for myself. that doesn't make any sense.... let's see.... ok.... well, one of the staff memebers here at the house - a guy - did some things to me last thursday night. things like.... well, he kissed me..... i know that doesn't seem like much for me to get upset with but i have issues. i have rape issues... issues that are part of the reason that i live here. i don't/didn't need a staff member... someone who is trained to talk to me about my feelings, etc.... i don't/didn't need him to do to me what it is that i am trying to work through. ok, so that's pretty obvious. the thing about it is..... i did tell the house manager about it. now, this staff member is being investigated and has lost his job here. Ok, Ok, he deserves to lose it... i agree.... but, he might lose his fulltime job.... a similar job but not working with females.... i know for a fact that he is good at that job. he works hard at it.... and now he will most likely lose it....
did i give him reason to believe that it was ok to do what he did? i feel like i had to have given him some sign to believe that he could. why would he just pick me? i want to ask him. i want to know why... i don't care that everyone around me tells me that knowing why isn't going to change the fact that it happened. i know it won't.... but, it will help me understand that i'm not just a piece of trash.... or maybe i am. *shaking my head* dammit, i just don't know..... i'm so confused. i'm so angry. i just don't want to deal with this... i gave them my info.... leave me alone. do what they have to do.... but, at this point, do it without me!
i'm sorry Cj. i suppose i shouldn't apologize though. i wish i knew what the hell you were thinking. i wish i knew what you are thinking right now. as for me, right now i want to crawl into my 'other' world.... i want to disappear and not have to deal with this. but i don't have a choice. you took that choice away from me. now, i not only have to deal with what you've done, i have to deal with all the other shitty things i've been through.... things that you KNEW i've been through. shit, shit, shit, Cj! damn you! i really thought you were my friend. i guess i know better now....
my friend Laura just called me. she reminded me to do what feels right for me!!!! i don't have to go to a job... i'm not required to do anything right now.... i just need to do what feels right for me!!!! i'm going to take the next few days and try to figure that out. yeah, i'm going to take the next few days and work it out in my 'own little world'. thanks Laura! and, thank you David for holding my hand through all of this.... and of course my parents for bein' on my side.
Thursday, June 1, 2000
a change will do me good
wouldn't it be nice if life was as easy as a song?
i just spent the week with david. he is so incredible to me. actually, i think that we are pretty awesome together. but, this entry isn't meant to be a tribute to david. there will be plenty of time for that in the future!
what is this entry about then? lalalalala. i wish i knew. things are sorta moving at a slow crawl here for me since i ended IOP (my therapy program). i'd like for them to move faster i suppose.... but, that's the problem. it's just a "i suppose" effort that i seem to put into everything i do here at this house. so i have been thinking..... (i know - DANGER!)
how will it be different if i live with laura? why would i not want to stay in bed all day there? why would i try harder at the things that i seem to just go through the motions for here at the house? why would i suddenly have the motivation or desire or love of life any more so than i do here the house?
honestly, i'm stuck with that question.... or questions. i guess the little optimist in me thinks a change will do me good. then i hear my mother say to me that i can't keep running away to look for a better deal somewhere else.... ok, that's not what she really says.... it's just what i get from what she does say to me. she's right too.... i know she is.
so where does that leave me? i still need to move forward wherever i am. here, laura's, david's....... what is going to keep me moving? why am i struggling with this question after 8 months of intesive therapy to figure it out?
i sure hope that all my june entries aren't going to be as boring as this one.... or pitiful as this one. *shaking my head* ho hum..... i'll try harder at everything.... if i can!
GOOD NEWS! wrestling is on tonight! woohoo! yes, i'm a geek.... or a dork.... or whatever.... i love the stuff!
see ya tomorrow......... kisses from me