friday, june 1, 2001
playing games
Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
the mold that clings like desperation. Mother can't you see I've got
to live my life the way I feel is right for me might not be right for you but it's right for me...
---elsewhere, sarah mclaughlin, fumbling towards ecstacy
my mother really doesn't have anything to do with my finding my life. she's supportive as is my father. but the lines here reflect on my life sooo much. i am constantly looking for ways to live my life the way those around me think it should be lived. i don't do the things i want to do for myself. i'm the quiet child who awaits for acceptance.... so often i feel like that child... a little girl. lately i've felt more like that little girl than i have the woman i really am.
i'm finally moving out of the group home i've been in since february 2000. jon and i believe it's served it's purpose. it's stifling... it makes me feel like the quiet little child... so i'm going to break free and move on and live and do the things that i've always wanted to do but have been too frightened to try.
i believe... at least sometimes... that i know who i am. i need to learn to accept it though. i need to be ok with who i am and what i want for my life. it seems so easy.... the problem is that i've been living my life for other people for so long that it feels damn unnatural to listen to my own needs and wants and desires. but that's what i'm doing....
it's friday. one more week left in the school year. i'm tired. the kids are tired. what more should i say....... it's been a long week - interesting therapy session with jonathan. i'm going to move on though. talk soon. j.
monday, june 4, 2001
this is how it starts
this how it is in the beginning
you can't get enough everyday
you're such a junkie....
suddenly it's weekly and monthly
before you know it you think
it's love... that's all it can be
it's so perfect right now isn't it
and it'll stay that way for another day
a week, a month, a year and he's yours
perhaps it's just that i'm jealous
knowing my honeymoon is over
the fantasy is fading....
monday, june 11, 2001
looking down, looking ahead
this morning i decided that looking down as i walk to the school is not a good idea. you would vomit if you saw some of the stuff that's down there. so i'm walking to work with my head held high when i come to a person walking toward me. so i look her in the eye and start to say hi when she suddenly looked down... so i suddenly looked down too. there i was right back where i'd started.
the weekend here was magnificent! i spent it with laura running around Evanston. i've really grown to like Evanston ALOT! it's a city north of chicago..... it's basically a part of Chitown. I don't consider it a suburb - but it is. anyway... laura and i saw Mulon Rouge this weekend. what a great film. i'm not much of film critic or anything but i really enjoyed this one. i cried but i also laughed a lot. it is so much fun.
after the movie we trotted around the town going into this shop and that. shopping is so much fun when i have money. we ended up in BARNES AND NOBLE. i love that place. (Turtle, it's a bookstore :o)) i could spend hours in bookstores! i remember in indiana i'd got to B&N on thursday nights to play chess. they had open competition. i always got my ass kicked but it was still great fun. i'm not close enough to a B&N now that i could just hop over and play. of course i haven't played in so long i'm sure i'd suck even more than i did back then. oh well. so where was i?
driving back into the city from E-town was beautiful. the weather was incredible. we drove down some back streets and looked in the windows of the huge houses there - dreaming away. we both decided that we'd never have a house like those unless of course we were working for the people who owned 'em. but, since i can't see myself being a maid and... well... i've never been much of a babysitter... i doubt that'll happen either. :o) anyway... E-town is incredible! it actually smelled nice and clean and fresh quite UNLIKE chitown does.
so Sunday we ended up back in E-town lounging outside at one of the cafes. i just can't say enough about the weather this weekend. God it was great! i wish i could collect all the wonderfulness of the weekend and write it down so you could experience it too. after the cafe we strolled across the street to yet another bookstore... yikes i love bookstores! not to mention there was a Starbuck's in this one. so, i ended my day with a nice little white chocolate cafe mocha :o) very nice! we took the same route down the back streets that we traveled on the night before and dreamed one last time before heading back into reality. And... speaking of reality... here i am. back at the school...
i'm going to work hard on keeping my head up today. even though there are people and things working hard to get me to look down. i sorta feel like i'd be letting myself down after this great weekend if i caved into those around me. so....... i'll hold on tight to the weekend and travel down the sidewalks with my head high.... talk to you soon. j
tuesday, june 12, 2001
outside
I'm on the outside,
I'm lookin' in,
I can see through you,
see your true colors,
'Cause inside your ugly,
your ugly like me
I can see through you
see to the real you
jonathan says he wishes i could recognize what it is that other people see in me. he says he's watched others interact with me and me with them.... if only i could see how amazing i am.... that's what he says.... sorta.... i might have embelished the "amazing" part. but i sure can't relate to any of this. i don't feel like anyone should be attracted to me.... i look at people and think they must know what i'm feeling inside.... the ugliness... like they are on the outside lookin' in.
it's difficult for me to deal with more than one emotion at a time. i think you can only HONESTLY feel one emotion at a time. you should put 100% into a feeling. so with me it's hard to feel sad inside and still be happy. err... that's confusing. i've always been an all or nothing person - usually the NOTHING part. if i don't think i can get it done 100% the first time i just don't try. at least in the past i've been that way. but i am learning to accept less than perfect. in doing so, i'm also learning how to have more than one emotion at a time.
today is the absolute last day of school with the kids. i had a couple come to me and say goodbye. the girl that dedicated a song to me in assembly the other day came by. the cute little asian couple stopped in an asked if we could get together for coffee sometime. so here... i'm faced with the happiness about school being over..... and at the same time the sadness over not seeing some of these great kids again. i can do this! it's ok to have both feelings at once! gah... i'm a nutcase sometime *smile*.
so off i go into the wild blue yonder. actually, i'm going home to take a nap. i'm damn tired! think i'm going to my parents for several days. i need the vacation - ugh! i'll talk to all of you later........ *wave*
wednesday, june 13, 2001
see you standing there
i see you standing there just out of reach. i've been here before - so have you - reaching out has far we can. aside from the obvious reasons that we can't touch it's funny how you are still able to wipe away my tears - so good at being right there at the right time. i can't imagine anyone having the same affect on me and yet be SO NOT a part of my everyday life. but then i think you really are a part of it. hmmm. there's a line in a stevie nicks tune that says something about her being the "invisible girl". it's popping into my head at the moment. i sorta feel like you are my "invisible guy" but i love you as if you were right here next to me. you come here and make this place seem as if it is an important part of your life. it's a place that you come to that no one else knows about and my place to go to with all of my feelings...... it's important to me and you make it seem important to you too. i have so much to do in the next 5 hours.... i should stop. talk to you soon *wave*
sunday, june 17, 2001
Happy Father's Day
i couldn't miss putting an entry up today. it's Father's Day. i happen to have one of the finest of 'em! my Dad and i have developed such a great relationship. i love him tons and tons ;o)
he wrote a poem for me that i think shows just how much we connect. and, he sent a poem to me by Richard Wilbur that shows it even more! thanks Dad. i love you! Happy Father's Day!
Jami - Dragon Tamer - January 2001
Although my daughter Jami has fought her share of demons,
(Winning some major battles with them, I should add!),
I have discovered something about her that I have never known;
She can tame non-lethal small dragons with a loving gentle touch.
When we were walking from the rose garden toward our car,
The discovery unfolded before my eyes in the cold Florida sun.
Spotting the little guy (?) unmoving as tho dead on the sidewalk
She smiled, knelt, and magically caressed him back to life!
vy
and the Wilbur poem
the Writer
In her room at the prow of the house
Where light breaks, and the windows are tossed with linden,
My daughter is writing a story.
I pause in the stairwell, hearing
From her shut door a commotion of typewriter-keys
Like a chain hauled over a gunwale.
Young as she is, the stuff
Of her life is a great cargo, and some of it heavy:
I wish her a lucky passage.
But now it is she who pauses,
As if to reject my thought and its easy figure.
A stillness greatens, in which
The whole house seems to be thinking,
And then she is at it again with a bunched clamor
Of strokes, and again is silent.
I remember the dazed starling
Which was trapped in that very room, two years ago;
How we stole in, lifted a sash
And retreated, not to affright it;
And how for a helpless hour, through the crack of the door,
We watched the sleek, wild, dark
And iridescent creature
Batter against the brilliance, drop like a glove
To the hard floor, or the desk-top,
And wait then, humped and bloody,
For the wits to try it again; and how our spirits
Rose when, suddenly sure,
It lifted off from a chair-back,
Beating a smooth course for the right window
And clearing the sill of the world.
It is always a matter, my darling,
Of life or death, as I had forgotten. I wish
What I wished you before, but harder.
monday, june 18, 2001
don't know where to start... or end...
i don't know quite where to start or how to talk about all of this. this place is mine. it's my way of saying LOOK AT ME.... and you look. you come here without fail to see how i am.... or to see how much i need you in my life. maybe "need" is the wrong word. perhaps "want" is a much better choice. either way, the idea of you coming here to look at me is flattering.
lately i've felt like i don't have anything to say... nothing witty, nothing profound (did i spell that right?). i come here wanting to pour all my thoughts and dreams and feelings out on the page but when i start nothing comes out. jonathan has said many times that i'm not sharing my feelings... i don't seem to get my emotions out. originally, that's what this place was for. i could come here and just say whatever the hell was on my mind. now, for some reason, nothing comes to mind. i wonder if i'm holding back because i don't want to scare any of you away.
it could be that i don't share much anymore because i can't put my finger on any one feeling long enough to write about it. for instance, yesterday i was sooo anxious on the train coming home from my parents that i wanted to scream. i wanted to get the pressure... the anxiety out. in the past i've done this a number of ways. last night i wanted to hurt myself. but i talked my way through it and felt lots better by the time the train ride came to an end. so i trotted on up to the cab and continued to head home. by the time i got there i was fine. i hopped online and went in search of turtle and/or anyone else that might be chatty. the anxiety had subsided. the urge to cut was gone. i was in a happy, happy, joy, joyous mood again.
i was so happy, happy that i called turtle.... knowing that talking on the phone makes him nervous.... i kept the call short and of course quite sweet. talked, for bit, to another friend and headed off to bed feeling pretty decent. and here i am today. back at work..... i don't understand my emotions. how could i feel so black one moment and so white the next? where's the grey? where do i start? where do i end? *shaking my head* i just don't get it....
i've got lots to do today. i should get moving.... talk to you all later. j
thursday, june 21, 2001
this is heaven to no one else but me
I love the time and in between
the calm inside me
in the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a
distance I have wandered
to touch upon the years of
reaching out and reaching in
holding out holding in
i'm moving out of the house..... jonathan has me thinking about a lot things. what have i learned while i've been here. what did i learn from my job.... he wants me to look at what things have led me to be ready for this move...... the excerpt from the song about is sarah mclaughlin's Elsewhere..... things are going really well at the moment. i'm a bit afraid that the bottom is going to drop out but i'm going to "hold" on like the song says.... talk to you all soon. jami
saturday, june 23, 2001
no topic
it's saturday... i should be packing to get out of this damn house... i'm just not into it. i work much better under pressure. in college i'd wait to pack up for the summer to move home until the day my parents were on their way down to pick me up. usually i did it with a hangover from hell because i'd go out the night before... ugh... bad memories :o)
so here i am on a beautiful day writing a journal entry when i should be outside enjoying the sun. NONONONO... actually i should be packing. but i'm not. i'm here. just wanted to say hello to everyone. i've got lots i want to talk about. but no patience to do so at the moment. i'll be back soon.
monday, june 25, 2001
the letting go
no lyrics today... not sure what this is or will be. letting go is never an easy thing. but that's what i have to do today. holding onto something simply for the principle of it all is not right. that's what i've been doing. holding on or hanging in there because i didn't want to feel as though i was wrong about something as important as emotions - feelings. but i have to let go. i'm moving on these days and i can't hold on to the things that are not supporting this move. i don't think i'll ever understand how i could have felt so strongly about something only to find out that the feeling wasn't really what i thought it was. what is real and what is just a dream? looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth of it all.... (ok, so those are lyrics).... i've never been so happy with my life as i have been lately. i'm feeling normal - you of all people should understand how important that is to me. i wish i could hold on. i wish i had the strength. but i don't. and neither do you...... so i move ahead today... tomorrow... next week. i'd say i'm sorry but it doesn't seem appropriate... thank you is wrong too. maybe just a good-bye.... good-bye... jami
tuesday, june 26, 2001
the journey
one day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice -
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
but you didn't stop
you knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with it's stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancoly
was terrible.
it was already late
enough, and a wild night.
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
but little by little
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the streets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
the only thing you could do -
determined to save
the only life that you could save.
----- Mary Oliver
wednesday, june 27, 2001
deep water
there she was in very deep water
she moved as if she was being held down
every stroke was such a struggle
coming up for air was, at times, impossible
she'd learned to float long ago but,
for some reason it wasn't working
that's when they found her
they reached out with their big net
pulling her to safety just in time
they taught her things she'd forgotten
new ways of swimming in the deep
she didn't want to listen but she tried
one day she knew they'd set her free
although they told her she'd free herself
soon she was out testing the water
it was cold and dangerous looking
she decided to try it anyway
so she said good-bye the only way she could
then she dove head first into the sea
coming up for air she turned to look back
they were standing there proud to have been
a part of the rebuilding of her life
she waved..... they smiled and moved on
---- jami, june 2001