The wedding date was June
just like any other bride
She loved him like no one before
and it was good to be alive
But sometimes that can slip away as fast
As any fingers through your hands
So you let time forgive the past
and go and make some other plans

You are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight
You are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight

 --patty griffin , not alone



june 5, 18

sunday, june 5, 2005
untitled june 2005

jill is very sick. jill is my fiance's sister and my maid-of-honor. she's also a very good friend. her lung cancer is completely unfathomable. she never smoked, never was around anyone who smoked... she just had her first baby at 30... they had to take the baby early so they could treat the cancer. today her husband tried to wake her up from a nap and she wouldn't wake up. eventually she did..... she seems ok now. she's probably not getting any better, but ok for now.

sunday nights jeff and i go to his parent's house to play euchre. tonight bob was talking about being angry with God. he blames God and just doesn't understand why this is happening. i remember when i was in my worst of states - or least it felt the worst at the time, i went to dave, my pastor at christ church of wrigleyville to ask for advise. maybe it wasn't advise... but i was asking when it would all stop. the anxiety, the creepy crawling beasts in my bloodstream... when would it stop. where is God? I, too, was angry at God. I was actually doing everything I was suppose to be doing: therapy, exercise, taking my meds right, going to work (when I was able), and i was studying the Bible. where was God when i absolutely needed him? that's when dave told me that God would never take away what i have - that's the free will part of our lives... he did say that God would be my best friend and would always be sitting right next to me to support me whenever i needed it. i don't think that i was pleased with what dave's response was but, i do know that a lot of anger went away that day... i wonder when bob's will go away..... will it?

the following is an excerpt from a book by John Mortimer called Where there's a will: thoughts on the good life.

"i can only suggest you do your best to banish anxiety, possibly with a glass of champagne, and lay yourself open to the moment when happiness becomes irresistible. i'm writing this at a good time of the year. the beech trees are covered with fresh, green, leaves - we are going to have a birthday lunch in the garden. my grandchildren will play in the mysterious copses, disused flint pits now filled with tall and ancient trees, where i also played as a child. the daffodils will be in flower, and the dogs will be jumping over them. there is every possible reason for happiness, but it's a moment of sadness too. how many more such birthdays will there be? it's sad my mother never saw my daughter grow up. althought the poet Shelley was right about our sincerest laughter being fraught with sadness, it's the sadness, in a way, which makes happiness complete."

i'm am leaving this entry now. i don't know when i'll be back. i've not be creative lately...... but i know i can't stay away. cheers!


saturday, june 18, 2005
lack of title - lack of purpose
or, simply, when the lights go down

When the lights go down
And there's nothing left to be
When the lights go down
And the truth is all you see
When you feel that hole inside your soul
And wonder what you're made of
Well, we all find out
When the lights go down
When the lights go down
At the end of the day, when this game that I play
Has gone another round

--- when the lights go down, faith hill

Hello,
it's been a very long time, my friend. it's been just too damn long. i knew when you left it wasn't just about you getting a new start it was about me getting one myself. i won't lie to you, it was hard at first. i hurt so much. there were times that i would wonder if you were thinking about me. there were times when i was hoping that i would steal just one thought from your head.

man i spent a lot of these pages with you. and i don't regret that.... but some day i'll look back on it and think, "my God what a crush i had on that guy". and it'll hurt just a little when i think about it. hell, i spent so many paper journals writing to you, or at least to someone like you. little letters that would describe how i could feel you with me. ... that i knew you were somehow a part of me. ... you were the one i wanted. at least that's the way it was then. i really did spend an enormous about of time and paper searching for you. imagine how silly i felt when i did finally "let the lights go down." ... and, imagine how frustrated i was when i finally found you and you weren't you. you were this incredible guy from goshen, indiana.

i was such a dreamer when it came to you. i wanted so badly to believe that my feelings for you were the same feelings you had for me. that you really would show up on my door step if you and kimmie split. i wanted to believe that you would have such a hard time if i went to NZ and you couldn't "be with me". you had me believing a long. even when you would warn me that you weren't who i thought you were, i still believed you were "him".

i won't deny it, I do still miss you. i know, "get over it jam...". i hear you. it would just mean so much to me to be able to tell you that i finally did find who i searched for most of my life. i want to share how happy i am and how well i've gotten back on my feet. i want to share my happiness with you. remember how many times you told me to be happy... to just put all the shit behind me, move on and find happiness in myself? well i have and now i can't share it with you. i suppose it would sound completely insane if i said that somehow i know you can feel it. yes, it does indeed sound insane. but, in some way i think i just want to believe that. it takes the sting out of not having you around.

Here i am at the end of the entry. i so seldom go back and read them to see if i've spelled right or if it makes sense........ and i've ended with goodbye to you so many times that it doesn't sound genuine. so.... blah. there, that's a good way!

This is the window to my heart
I just want you to be free
There ain't no freedom where we are
Ain't no wishes in these stars
Ain't no reason to believe
But don't worry baby
Don't you worry
Maybe this is what we need
A little bruising, a little bleeding
Some space that we can breathe in
Some silence in between

So cry for me baby
And I'll cry for you
And we'll both break down
And we'll both break through
And find our way and face the truth
We both will be stronger
And we'll lie down in our loneliness
And wake up with our sad regrets
And even though we don't know it yet
We both will be stronger
We both will be stronger

I can't believe you're really gone, now
But I know it's for the best
And I know that we weren't right
But I still reach for you each night
And man, that hurts like hell
-- stronger, faith hill