wednesday, february 28, 2001
loneliness
ok, so i know it's not a new month yet. i just wanted to clear out all that garbage i wrote in february. today is the last day of february... i'll just make it the first day of march! *gah* that didn't make much sense.
lauren and i went out to dinner lastnight. sitting in the booth behind us was a man. an elderly fellow sitting alone. at first i didn't think much of it. i was chit-chatting with lauren about my exciting day (ha) - too wrapped up in myself. but then i noticed him as he got up to get a refill on his coffee. then it hit me. "he's alone".
i don't want to grow old alone... 6 months ago i was sure that this wouldn't be a problem. i was having a great relationship with a guy... we'd talked about staying together... even getting married. but, now things are different. and now, more than i can remember, i feel alone.
therapist after therapist have long been telling me that i need to develop some kind of relationship with myself. if i did i'd not be so lonely. the thing is that i do have a relationship with me... and it's a lonely one. "develop it deeper", jonathan says. "learn to be still in yourself." to me that's just saying learn to deal with being alone. too bad if you don't like it that way... you don't have a choice.
sitting there lastnight i had to hope that this little man was by himself because he'd lost the women he'd spent his life with. after all, i just couldn't see him being alone his entire life. i wouldn't wish that on anyone. he seemed sad to me. maybe i was just projecting my feelings on him. i don't know. he just seemed lonely and sad. what do we do in life if we have to do it alone? what is the purpose of experiencing life if there isn't anyone special that you care to share it with? someone special enough to really be happy for you when you are happy... be sympathetic towards you when you are down. i hope the little man sitting in the booth behind me had someone once. i'm sorry that he was alone.
i guess i'm not trying to say that i'm feeling sorry for myself because i am lonely. i don't really think i am. i'm just really hoping that i don't end up like the man there in the restaurant. ok, so all couples have to learn to accept that one will lose the other at some point. i can deal with that. as morbid as this may sound, i just really want to have someone to lose. ok, that really didn't sound right. i'm sure you know what i mean though.
my parents have been together 41 years. they are so much a part of eachother that i just can't imagine one without the other. i want that for myself. however, i know that i only want it if it's going to be a happy experience... ok, not all the time. but, overall, a happy experience. i've been married before. i honestly thought that it'd last forever. but it didn't. i wasn't happy and i wasn't exactly safe in the situation. so, i think i really know what it is that i need... now i just need to work it out somehow.
i've got to get some things done here at the school. welcome to March ladies and gentlemen. if you are new to this site, welcome to Missing Peace. i am in search... you are welcome to join me. cheers!
thursday, march 1, 2001
today feels like friday. hm, if i were in New Zealand it would be friday. but i'm not :o( i don't really have much to say today. i got a lot of feedback from yesterday's entry. some asked if i was aware of the difference between loneliness and being alone. that would be a BIG yes. i do know there is a difference. and, i experience both of them. one is less of a problem for me than the other. but anyway...
someone else suggested that it may be time to move on... get past all these dumpy feelings and start enjoying life. i can do that... sometimes i think that's what i'm doing... then i realize that either i'm not trying hard enough - or i'm trying too hard... bah... never mind. i am just going to have to start again... hm.. start again. i can do that.
so... come see me again sometime next week. hopefully i'll have something more profound (sp?) for you. right now i'm going to go take advantage of these blue skies and warm (sorta) weather. talk to you later.... jami
saturday, march 3, 2001
fun, fun, fun
i'm going out tonight. first time in i don't know how long. i'm not what to expect. i've been talking to david this week - every night. it's going to be strange going out without him. i mean, i have and stuff but... i don't know...
been talking to jonathan a lot lately about the way i am in relationships. i think he used the term "spineless". i didn't think a therapist could call you names. heh... it's ok though because i worship my therapist!
the other night i used the excuse that i'm afraid to make guys angry or to disappoint them. i think i was referring to my marriage. jeff was brutal when he got pissed off. i'm beginning to think that i use jeff as an excuse for a lot of things. however, i do think i'm a bit afraid to piss men off. women are no problem! just a man thing.
so what's the deal with pissing david off? i don't know really. i certainly have my reasons to not give a damn if he does get upset. most of our 5 conversations this week (more than we've had in 4 months) centered around my being pretty pissed off... and my lack of trust. but why should i even care what he thinks? basically, the answer fits in the whole "loneliness" topic i've been throwing around lately.
sure, i do care a great deal about david. i'm not one who can easily let go of someone i've come to care about. hell, i still have feelings for all sorts of people from my past. yes, turtle, even you... i just don't want to be alone. at least i think that might be it. i'm not sure i really need to know or need to justify my feelings for him... for anyone. geesh, again, an entry that is all over the place. if you are confused i understand. i think i'm confused too.
going out tonight - with lots of people - is a first step to learning about how it feels to be a part of something.... to learn how it is to not really be alone in a crowded room. i'm excited... i think. i'm going out there with my eyes open... going to look around for evidence to that fact that getting out and being with people is ok. we shall see how it turns out. but, for now, i need to get in the shower and get ready. hope you are having or have had a great weekend... talk soon! j
monday, march 5, 2001
sufficiently pissed off!
ok, so i'm reading the paper and i find out that this week is the 2nd anniversary of the
Lemack Murders. As I was reading this article I came across her latest defense. She's actually going to plead insanity because she was on anti-depressants and was upset over her failing marriage. Shit, if this works we are in some serious trouble! Trust me, depressed people all across the nation will soon take up arms against anything that upsets them as long as they are on anti-depressants. Jesus, I was on anti-depressants when my marriage was failing. Her (Mrs. Lemack) wasn't even being physically abused like I was. I'd have had all the reason in the world to do in my husband. She didn't even take her anger out on her husband. She took it out on her 3 young children. I feel for the woman. Really, I do. I hate to hear about people going through depression. It's awful. And, sometimes it's unmanagable. BUT! It does not give us the right to use it as a defense when we decide to take another person's life. She does not deserve to be free. She deserves to be locked up in the best place for her - whether that is jail or a psych hospital. The woman killed her kids for crying out loud. Ok, I'm going to step down off my soapbox now. Thanks for listening. I'm so upset about this that I might just write one of those letters to the editor. Geeshhh... I hate that section of the newspaper. But, I'm that honked off about this.
I have today off. It's Mr. Pulaski day. I have no idea what made this man important enough to have a holiday named after him. I'm not going to complain though. I've got lots to do today soooo... i'm off! Talk soon, j
Turtle.... are you ok?
tuesday morning, march 5, 2001
lonely in my own skin
i realized that i didn't even give a report on my "ladies night out". let's see... the show was suppose to start at 11:30pm. we didn't even get into the theater until after midnight. then this nasty SKA band played and i swear all they did was... well.. swear. the f-word every other word. and they drank. shit, they drank. i think they were trying to get us to believe they were Irish. however, it's a big give-away when the lead singer has a midwestern, american accent. nothing irish about that man - except maybe his suit. i'm not sure. anyway, anyway...
the band that we went to see started sometime around 1:00am. dave wakeling was the guy's name. he was the lead singer for General Public - a band from the 80s. he really was great. the man could play guitar and he had a great voice. however, the sax player stole the show. the man was incredible. i wanted to call my Dad up on the phone from the concert and say LISTEN! he was amazing. (my Dad is a jazz freak). as for the man scene... the only guy i noticed and sorta started scoping out was with a girlie. i quickly gave that up and decided to watch all the 19 year olds try to dance reggae. pretty hilarious. drunk chicks struting around like roosters. it was enjoyable. i wasn't too into the music - except for the sax player - so i had to find something to entertain me. i realized, watching those little girls, that i'm quite happy with being 34. i don't have to act so obnoxious anymore.
now don't get me wrong. obnoxiousness (is that a word?) still has it's place in my life. for instance, when i finally do meet my turtle face to face i plan to be completely obnoxious! heh. but, that's an entirely different journal entry - one that will never get written - even if i do meet the little guy.
i've got students in the room so i should go. hope everyone has a great day. this wasn't exactly the entry i'd planned to write. i'll probably be back later with more..... see ya! j
wednesday, march 7, 2001
throwing roses at my feet
so i've been nominated for a teaching award. i guess that's good. i'll spend my entire therapy session tonight listening to jonathan tell me that i should feel good about it. and, i do sorta. i also sorta feel like the kids nominated me just to be nice. although, not all the teachers were nominated - including one of the two geniuses i work next to. i guess in my heart of hearts i do feel honored. i'm sure i'll feel better about it soon. actually, i really have to stop this negative talk and just say HEY JAMI, DAMN FINE JOB YOU ARE DOING! yeah, that's what i really need to do. it's just hard to believe. i guess that's all i've got today. more tomorrow....... j
thursday, march 8, 2001
noah
my friend... i'm using "friend" loosely here... my friend noah isn't feeling well. it looks as if he really might be on the right track at the moment but i miss him... this song is for you my friend, Noah! you have become an important part of my daily living... i think i really do love you. so this is for you....
Sunset is an angel weeping
Holding out a bloody sword
No matter how I squint I cannot
Make out what it's pointing toward
Sometimes you feel like you live too long
Days drip slowly on the page
You catch yourself
Pacing the cage
I've proven who I am so many times
The magnetic strip's worn thin
And each time I was someone else
And every one was taken in
Powers chatter in high places
Stir up eddies in the dust of rage
Set me to pacing the cage
I never knew what you all wanted
So I gave you everything
All that I could pillage
All the spells that I could sing
It's as if the thing were written
In the constitution of the age
Sooner or later you'll wind up
Pacing the cage
Sometimes the best map will not guide you
You can't see what's round the bend
Sometimes the road leads through dark places
Sometimes the darkness is your friend
Today these eyes scan bleached-out land
For the coming of the outbound stage
Pacing the cage
Pacing the cage
-- bruce cockburn, pacing the cage
friday, march 9, 2001
morning commute
i'm not a morning person. NOT AT ALL! however, since i started my teaching job i get up at 4:45am and start my day - usually with a shower. i do the usual girlie tricks - makeup, dry my hair a bit and brush my teeth (yay!). after that i trudge out to the bus stop. everyday. right around 5:40am i'm there... in the cold blowing snow - i'm there... in the rain - i'm there... not a happy camper at all. i've often felt sorry for myself because i don't have a car to drive myself to work everyday. that's another entry some other time.
where am i trying to go with this? welp, if i am a good girl and get there the same time everyday i'm joined by a nice little hispanic man and round little russian woman. sometimes there's an african-american lady too. they stand together chit-chatting about which bus driver would be there in the driver's seat when the bus pulls up... if the bus is late it mean the fat white guy is driving. the conversations aren't much. but they are happy and nice and sometimes quite funny. i usually stand aside and mind my own business - afraid that if i say anything it'll resemble a growling dog...
this morning, however, i think i finally earned my wings and have become one of "them". they included me in their conversation AND i didn't bite them. woohoo! in fact, the other african-american woman who is all ready on the bus when "we" get on even said good morning to me! she's never acknowledged me before. she told me to have a nice weekend and called me a "dear". i was on my best behavior - no biting, no growling... i said thank you!
what does this new status mean to me? i'm not sure. it might mean that i will have to be really happy and nice every morning when i see the little hispanic man and the russian lady. it might mean that i should find a different time to ride the bus just so i don't bite anyone. i'm not sure really. i think it makes me feel good that they have finally included me in their little clique. well, i know it made me smile today at least. i'll just try to sit with that for awhile.
hope you all have a great weekend. turtle - you surfaced for a bit yesterday. i hope that means you aren't quite as busy as you've been. i'm going now... peace! jami
12
monday, march 12, 2001
weekend update
* chaperoned (sp?) a bus load of 14 year olds to a girl's basketball game... yes, i'm insane.
* cleaned my room! AND the bathroom! woohoo!
* graded more papers than i've graded in weeks!
* saw the movie traffic...
* AND!!!! i fixed my computer all by myself... um, well, sorta... ok, not really. Turtle helped some... ok, so without his help i wouldn't have gotten it fixed. but i did it! i'm sooooooo proud of myself!
um, thanks Turtle...
i woke up in the middle of the night with a headache from hell. can't say that i'm feeling much better. however, i did make it into work this morning.
wanted to talk about the movie i saw this weekend. looks like i'm going to have to do it at another time. i'm swamped this morning.... so, have a great day everyone... more later! jami
wednesday, march 14, 2001
morning commute part 2
my good friend laura volunteered to get up at 5:45am and drive me to work this morning... in fact, she wants to do it all this week... have died and gone to heaven? no nasty ride on the train? i wonder if my new commute clique will miss me... hmm, more later.... have a great day.... j
wednesday, march 14, 2001
quiz for you...
at the risk of being accused of being too sappy, i'm including this quick little quiz for all of you... most of you got it via email but just in case you didn't....
Charles Schulz's Philosophy
Take this quiz:
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their field. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.
Easier? The lesson.
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."
----- Charles Schulz
thursday, march 15, 2001
i never knew...
sometimes the best map will not guide you
you can't see what's around the bend
sometimes the road leads through dark places
sometimes the darkness is your friend
i stopped writing in my paper journal. now i realize this doesn't seem like a huge deal but it sorta is. i have volumes and volumes of journals i've written. blabble over several days... heck, several years. but lately i've just not had anything worth writing about. i've exhausted all my writing ideas. i've written about relationship after relationship. i've written about the fear and anxiety i experience. it all starts to sound the same after a while.
i saw jonathan lastnight (is that one word or two - someone please tell me). we've been having these weird sessions that end up being about the way he and i relate with eachother. seems like a waste of time and money to have to work on your relationship with your therapist. but it's pretty important to me i guess. but anyway, he was wondering why i've stopped.. or slowed down writing in my paper journal. he wanted to know what the difference between that journal and this one was. why do i write here but not at home. how is it that i'm willing to put my feelings out here for anyone to see but i can't write to myself? maybe i write here because i do think someone is hearing me. it's not important that i know who you are... you're listening...
things have been a bit crazy lately. i was sick earlier in the week. i just haven't caught up yet. jon wondered if i stopped writing because i'm holding something in??? i suppose that could be the deal. *shrug* i guess i can only try to write... try to talk about the things that mean so much to me. i just need to spill it all... if i only knew what i needed to spill. maybe i'm not really holding anything in. maybe i'm fine and i just don't have anything to write... maybe i'm thinking too much. yes, Turtle, i am probably thinking too much. ok... so i'm done for now. i'll be back later...
friday, march 16, 2001
Horoscope Blah
of course i only pay attention to horoscopes when they are good like this one!!! woohoo!!
Horoscope (by astronet.com)
It may not be long before you start calling the shots. If some authoritarian person is trying to control you, simply walk away. You may have special abilities, possibly involving healing or technology, that could change the energies of many people. You may be the very person to put new projects on the map. You could make international connections that will improve every area of your life. A very special partnership may be just around the corner.
have a great weekend!
sunday, march 18, 2001
dear you...
dear you...
you know who you are even though i haven't got a clue. i reach out for you constantly but you never come forward. i hold on to the belief that you are really out there. i look for you in other people only to find deceit.
i've believed in you since i was a little girl. at night i'd lay in bed and cry begging for you to come to me and make things go away. even now i call for you... for your help. but you aren't there. you stay such a safe distance away. what will it take to get you to come closer?
i know some people would think that i just need to find myself - things would follow from there. maybe in finding out who i really am i will discover you. it's just been tough... i get close and then something happens to push me away from finding out what is deep inside.
as i write this i'm not very sad - just lonely and confused. i know you are out there. i know that you love me unconditionally. i just don't seem to have the patience to wait much longer. i ask myself what comes next, but i don't know. i ask myself if i should give up on finding you. there's a part of me that just won't let that happen. i'll find you someday.
until then, please watch over me throughout my journey. don't give up on me... and, please, stay as close as you possibly can. thank you.... thank you...
tuesday, march 20, 2001
some days...
if you see dark skies in my green eyes
it's just that i can't find no cover
these ghosts that haunt me
they get me when they want me
and some days are better than others...
been talking and thinking about this wave of depression that sets in now and then. at least it's been more then than now. it comes out of nowhere. it seems that way. in recovery they suggest that you look at the events leading to the problem. i could do that... actually, i have but i don't see much. jonathan told me last night that he thinks it really does come out of nowhere for me.
hmmm, ok... on to bigger and better stuff. i was coaching my team the other night. had the players out in postions on the field. we were going through plays. you know, 2 outs - bases loaded. i told the girls that all they had to do was go to the nearest base. my second baseman raised her hand and asked if she needed to have the ball to do that..... oh boy. no, she's not blond... oh boy. i guess it would be that bad but we are playing Varsity ball not freshman ball. someone messed up and put us in varsity. yikes.
in other news.... ok, maybe there isn't much more. i'm sitting here at my desk looking out over the City. i got here at 6:30am this morning. did some photocopying for the department and thought i'd come back to my room and get some things done. all i've seemed to get done is a bit of shifting and moving papers. i haven't graded... i haven't looked a lesson plans... i'm just having a hard time getting motivated these days. i hope this wave subsides and moves elsewhere soon! it's very frustrating!
TURTLE???? are you out there? if you are. i hope things are going well. i'll talk to you soon!
jami
thursday, march 22, 2001
in someone else's eyes
i've been having trouble "staying in the moment" lately. some serious problems with it. so lastnight at jonathan's he asked me to sit still. just sit there... be present. all i could do was cry. i cried and cried not knowing why. i kept asking him to make it stop. even though i knew there was nothing that he could do. he sat there quietly just listening to me. it feels so damn good to be listened to. did i mention that he simply sat there and listened to me? *smile*
so this morning in advisory (homeroom) one of my students came to me and said she thought she was having a breakdown. she was serious. i asked her to talk to me about it... i listened. then, together zoe and i worked out a schedule for her to follow in the next few days. she's a bright girl... she's just stressed herself out over due dates for 3 papers (due tomorrow), homework and tests... i told her that she could only do so much. stretching herself thin wasn't going to be good for her. not to mention her work would suffer... we worked out a work schedule and i told her to call me if she was getting too stressed. i'd help her relax... i'd help her to "stay in the moment".
see, this is what stresses me out so much. how is it that i can help someone else but not myself? i feel like my world is crashing down around me. but i can help someone else see that it really isn't..... (did that make sense?). i suppose i'll think about it some more... maybe recognizing it here today i'll be able to work through some of my own stresses this weekend.
turtle, i miss you... but then you know that....... j
friday, march 23, 2001
again and again and again
it happened again yesterday.
what in the world can i say to this? nothing... i'm here at the school waiting for our kids to come in. our perfect little children. two days ago a student spit on one of our teachers. the student is still here at the school... no suspension, nothing. our perfect little angels here at Walter Payton College Prep High School... our future leaders.
Ben is getting pick on - a lot! he's a nice kid - quiet and dresses up everyday for school. is he odd? i guess a bit. then there's Abidime. his parents were born and raised in south africa... the kids make all kinds of jokes about Abidime. then there was Dave from my old school. over and over again i'd go to my principal about Dave. i was worried about the kid. "we can't do anything his parents don't want us to do, Jami." he would say. the day after graduation Dave walked over to his ex-girlfriend's house... stopped in her front yard and shot himself in the head... right there in front of amy.
i'm not suggesting that we, as teachers, try to help every student having troubles. i'm smart enough to understand that we just can't do that. but i'm scared that our indifference is going to come full circle and get us all someday. we probably couldn't have helped Dave. but what he did affected more - much more - than just him - as suicides do. and, we were lucky that day after graduation that Dave didn't first shot amy.
i guess i'm just really confused about my role here. i don't want to save the world. i just wouldn't mind helping it out a little. i see kids struggling here. we all see people struggling with life all the time. i'm upset with the decision we seem to make to turn and walk away - ignore the problem. the boy who opened fire yesterday on his school was picked on. of course that fact didn't become known until a few students and he were laying in the hospital.....
maybe i'm just afraid........ maybe......
sunday, march 25, 2001
building a mystery
went looking for you again
i just can't seem to find you.
you are hiding again
monday, march 26, 2001
cooling period
the kids seem to be cooled down after last week's shooting. i seem to be cooled down a bit too. last night online i met this guy from Texas. we chit-chatted for some time and then out of no where i gave this stranger my phone number. ugh, i never learn. so he called me.
we talked some more about out divorces. his is still going on... battling for custody. thank God i didn't have to go through that... or had to put anyone through that. we talked about out "internet loves". we talked about our jobs. he's a lawyer... social work undergrad... he went into law to help the poor and the immigrants. that lasted a few years. he couldn't deal with them. now he's into real estate. AHHHHH but enough!
he made me think about Turtle and david... about my ex-husband and the wonderful streak of successful relationships i've had in my life. then i thought some more about Turtle. this "relationship" we have... i hadn't realized that it's been going on for over 2 years now. we seem to be a close as we were to begin with... unspoken closeness of course. i'm happy that i have someone like him. i'm glad that i got to talk to lawyer-boy too.
i've got to go.. sorry this entry is all over the place. talk soon....
tuesday, march 27, 2001
what you are - dave matthews
What you are
Is a best in a lover’s arms
What you are
Is the devil in a sweet sweet kiss
What you are
Is a puzzle to me
hi...
how does someone feel attracted to another person without having feelings for them? are feelings and attraction the same thing? i thought i'd been doing a pretty good job of having this attraction w/out feelings thing.... suddenly i'm not sure. perhaps it's more that i don't know how to be now that someone close to me has admitted to being "attracted" to me. maybe i need to think about what kind of feelings they are.... he said he's attracted to me both physically and emotionally. what the hell does that mean? suddenly i don't know if i can continue the relationship i have with him. i don't want it to go away. it's probably the most important relationship i've ever had... other than the one with myself. i just don't know where to go. or maybe i do. a HUGE part of me thinks nothing of it. and i trust this person to know that nothing will come of it - ever. i just don't know how to act. flattered? no. i tried everything in the book to get him to admit that it's nothing special. that it's not just me... but he tried to convince me that it is me. it's not just a thing. it's just damn creepy. i don't know... i wish i could say more but i don't have more. i guess i'm done. i'm confused and sad. i'm angry and confused. did i mention that i'm confused? not about my feelings for him... just what is different..... ugh. ugh. ugh.
more later........
tuesday, march 27, 2001
what you are - dave matthews
What you are
Is a best in a lover’s arms
What you are
Is the devil in a sweet sweet kiss
What you are
Is a puzzle to me
hi...
how does someone feel attracted to another person without having feelings for them? are feelings and attraction the same thing? i thought i'd been doing a pretty good job of having this attraction w/out feelings thing.... suddenly i'm not sure. perhaps it's more that i don't know how to be now that someone close to me has admitted to being "attracted" to me. maybe i need to think about what kind of feelings they are.... he said he's attracted to me both physically and emotionally. what the hell does that mean? suddenly i don't know if i can continue the relationship i have with him. i don't want it to go away. it's probably the most important relationship i've ever had... other than the one with myself. i just don't know where to go. or maybe i do. a HUGE part of me thinks nothing of it. and i trust this person to know that nothing will come of it - ever. i just don't know how to act. flattered? no. i tried everything in the book to get him to admit that it's nothing special. that it's not just me... but he tried to convince me that it is me. it's not just a thing. it's just damn creepy. i don't know... i wish i could say more but i don't have more. i guess i'm done. i'm confused and sad. i'm angry and confused. did i mention that i'm confused? not about my feelings for him... just what is different..... ugh. ugh. ugh.
more later........
wednesday, march 28, 2001
stars seem to weep
so my good friend mike turned me onto some great new music. her name is beth orton. wow her stuff is great. i'm waiting around for napster to download his favorite song, pass in time. her music fits right into my head right now. with thoughts swimming around aimlessly up there i'm finding that her music gives me some order. i can sit back and relax like i use to do with sarah mclaughlin.
after talking to turtle for a bit online lastnight i've thrown some questions together for jonathan tonight.
* can a person be attracted to someone without having feelings for him/her?
* what is different in a "relationship" once someone has admitted to having feelings for the other?
* what was his purpose for telling me this?
* am i just making way too much out of this?
normally, when i'm stressing out about something Turtle will tell me to chill out and stop thinking too much. however, this time he didn't say that. i'm guessing i have every reason in the world to wonder about all of this.
better news. i ran into the breakfast club again this morning. the little round russian woman (who is actually german) asked where i'd been for a week or so. i told her that i'd been leaving earlier... she just said "oh". the hispanic man with the red hat didn't say anything. well, until the bus came and he told me to please go ahead of him - "women first". WOOHOO... the male race might have a chance with me after all. once i was on the bus the nice african-american lady said good morning to me. she remembered me... *smile*
i've got a parent meeting in a few minutes so i'll stop here. more later........
thursday, march 29, 2001
you are where i belong
what you are to me now?
what you have been -
question or statement
what purpose is the confusion serving?
this isn't the way i want my life
the anger in me makes me wonder
what is right and what is wrong
i've trusted you like no other
you've made me smile and now...
you make me cry.
friday, march 30, 2001
and the winner is...
my girls played their first softball game lastnight. for some of them it was their first softball game ever! as i mentioned before my girls are all freshman - that's all we have here at the school this year. someone screwed up though and placed my team in the Varsity bracket. so, we play varsity teams.
i'm not sure what i thought we'd come up against lastnight but i think i figured it'd have been tougher competition. don't get me wrong, we lost. but, i think we lost only because i didn't have a pitcher who could put the ball across the plate. acutally, she rarely got it near the plate. ah, but, bless her soul, she never gave up.
anyway, we lost. it was only a practice game. our regular season starts tuesday... i expect everyone to say a pray for us monday night!
friday, march 30b, 2001
part 2
now then... just a bit of lyrics from a Shawn Colvin song. i'm not sure why these are my lyric pick this morning. they just seem to fit my mood i guess.
Cause I never saw blue like that before
Across the sky
Around the world
You've given me all you have and more
And no one else has ever shown me how
To see the world the way I see it now
Oh, I, I never saw blue like that before
----- Shawn Colvin, Never Seen Blue Like That Before
have a great weekend folks! talk soon.... j