saturday, march 2, 2002
snowflakes
talked to someone today that i haven't talked to in nearly a year... yeah, it's probably been a year. but it was just like we never stopped talking to eachother... i mean we picked up right where we left off. and it was nice.
today the snowflakes were gigantic. i wanted to go outside and play in it. but chicago just isn't that sort of town. i remember growing up at the lake. we'd have been playing hockey if it was cold enough. i never understood hockey - i still don't. i do know, however, that it hurts like hell to get hit with one of those freakin' sticks. never imagined me wishing that i hadn't grown up.
i have shit relationships... i'm talking the real, honest to goodness type relationships - not an online one. what is it about me that guys just can't commit to? i'll never understand it. i'm sure it's not the depression. i'm just not easy to fall in love with i guess.
sunday, march 3, 2002
i'll go wherever you will go
i just had a very normal, good, fun experience and it scares the hell out of me. no. seriously. i was just sitting here thinking that i need to ruin it somehow. it's been brought to my attention that life sucks... it's "messy". and, i'm not the only one who experiences it that way. i wish i could say that i feel better knowing this. i guess, in a weird way, i do feel better and that's scary... feeling good about something is so damn frightening to me. all my life good experiences... i ruin them. i can't have them..... it's like jami-law or something. "don't feel good about anything, jami, because it's all a big fat lie."
i can honestly say that there are really good things about this life i lead. it may not be the most exciting but i do have good things... friends... family and Mimsie around me..... i don't know what this experience has really done for me. i'm overthinking it at the moment, i suppose. i'm going to bed... i'll think about this... about all of this for the good part of tomorrow. someone told me once to "slow down and remember why you became a teacher". it helped... maybe i need to slow this down and just remember what my purpose here is all about. maybe.... thanks "friend"....
thursday, march 7, 2002
hands clean
--alanis morissette
Ooh this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime
We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this
i guess the bottom line in this life of mine is that i desperately don't want to be alone... except when i want to be alone... *heavy sigh*
i was talking to laura lastnight... we were talking about relationships - how all the time we spent in past relationships just seems like wasted time now. in fact, my "friend" and i had sorta the same conversation a few days ago. it was about all the time we put into a marriage that means nothing now... it might mean more to him - he has 3 kids from his marriage - but i have nothing. nothing at all to show for those 5 years.
i mentioned before that i seem to get into relationships with guys who can't commit. it's written somewhere that Jami Young is not to be committed to. i know it is. just about the time i remember this unspoken law i also recall that i really do like being alone sometimes. and just as suddenly i recall falling asleep in his arms.
and here i am... alone tonight. i'd love to fall asleep in your arms. you know who you are even if i don't. you are the one out there alone too tonight - wishing i was there to hold onto. oh well. i'll curl up with my book and my kitty and try to think about wanting to be alone. how crazy is that.
friday, march 8, 2002
it's over now
I sit beside the fire and think
of all that I have seen,
of meadow-flowers and butterflies
in summers that have been;
Of yellow leaves and gossamer
in autumns that there were,
with morning mist and silver sun
and wind upon my hair.
I sit beside the fire and think
of how the world will be
when winter comes without a spring
that I shall never see.
For still there are so many things
that I have never seen;
in every wood in every spring
there is a different green.
I sit beside the fire and think
of people long ago,
and people who will see a world
that I shall never know.
But all the while I sit and think
of times there were before,
I listen for returning feet
and voices at the door.
---- Bilbo Baggins, The Lord of the Rings
i generally don't like to write after putting in such a long poem... i really this "poem" - actually it's song that Bilbo sings to Frodo in LOTR. it reminds me of a time when i was probably about 13... i'd just turned into a teenager and remember riding my bike over to the neighbor's side hill and just sitting there looking out over the lake. i remember thinking that my life was going to change now that i was teenager... ok, you can laugh at that.
i've had several of those experiences in my life... "ok, now my life will change because....". but ya know, it doesn't - at least not in the way that i would define change. life altering changes... that's really what i wish for at those times.
the problem is that the old stuff doesn't get erased and i think it should. i always tell myself... beat up on myself because i feel like i should be soooo over that stuff. it shouldn't need to be around anymore. i'm changing damn it! but it is there. my memory is a strong fucker. and it's not very forgiving... or, maybe, i'm not too forgiving of the memories.
my personal life isn't going real great right now. it's not awful or anything. i'm just alone at times when i shouldn't be and with people when i don't need 'em. i feel like i'm on the verge of another big change... a new chapter to share with all of you. but i know... nothing's going to change... it never really does.
friday, march 22, 2002
just a quicky
hey everybody, been in the hospital and now fighting computer problems. i'll be back soon...
wednesday, march 27, 2002
just don't want this anymore
i just don't wanna do this anymore. it's doing nothing for me. sorta the way my life feels to be treating me. ok, ok... before you go into the bit about "you have to make your own changes - you have the power within yourself". just don't. i know that. i just want this hand to come down from above and touch me on the shoulder and say... "ok, you are fine no... no more struggling." is that narcisistic or what?
i went to church sunday for the first time in a very long time. i went not because my parents have been trying to get me to go. i went because i feel like i don't have many other options to help me fight this off. i'm tired. i'm tired of trying every single day. so i went. while i was sitting there i think i expected to feel overwhelmed with love and support from God. no really. i really think i expected to feel something magical or spiritual. of course that didn't happen. and i sat there thinking "shit, i'm going to have to keep coming back here until it works... it's not just going to happen." honestly, i'm not quite as stupid as all that sounds. i know, logically, it doesn't happen that way. it's that freakin logic that makes me think it just doesn't happen at all though. but that's the "God subject" that i keep putting off writing about.
i could go back to church tonight for a group thingy... dinner and groups about women, the Bible or just hanging out group. i just don't know that i'm at a place in my life where i can walk into a room of 30 people i don't know and pretend to be having a good day. no one wants to hear about my problems the first time they meet me... at least that's what someone told me once. i've still got a few hours before i have to go... i'm going to nap on it i think. thanks for coming back here and checking on me... sorry it's taken so long. i told ya i'd be back.... here i am Lord... here i am.
thursday, march 28, 2002
pick yourself up and dust yourself off
someone told me once that when you fall off your bike you get right back up and try again... they tell me in program that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result each time... somehow these two things are related... i'm sure of it.
i discovered, lastnight talking to my mother, that no matter how hard i try... how long i look... i'm not going to make this all go away... this depression. so i suppose i need to get up and try living life differently for a change. i am still trying to make it all go away instead of accepting that it's not going anywhere and my life would be happier if i'd accept it and not ignore it.
i'm still riding my bike... just need to do it differently so i don't keep falling off - doing it the way i've been doing it is insane.
friday, march 29, 2002
Round Here, Counting Crows
She walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land
Just like she's walking on a wire in the circus
She parks her car outside of my house
Takes her clothes off,
Says she's close to understanding Jesus
She knows she's more than just a little misunderstood
She has trouble acting normal when she's nervous
...
She says, "It's only in my head."
She says, "Shhh...I know it's only in my head."
But the girl on the car in the parking lot
says: "Man, you should try to take a shot
Can't you see my walls are crumbling?"
sunday, march 31, 2002
Easter Sunday and the Counting Crows
ok, so they have nothing to do with eachother *see title*. it is Easter, however, and i wanted to talk about the lyrics that i posted friday. so... the title works for me. :o)
i really don't know what i want to say about Easter Sunday. you'll notice that i do capitalize the words... i don't use capitals often. Easter Sunday... since i am just beginning the religion experience again, i'm afraid i don't have much to say about today. what it means to me, etc. nor do i have much of a feeling that you'd be interested in my religious insites... so let's talk about the lyrics above instead.
She walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land
Just like she's walking on a wire in the circus
i walk along the edge of something beautiful all the time... it just seems so out of reach... instead it feels like i'm just hanging there afraid to move this way or that for fear i'll lose it all. it always feels like i'm just about to lose it all.
Takes her clothes off,
Says she's close to understanding Jesus
She knows she's more than just a little misunderstood
i don't usually go around taking my clothes off... incase you were worried. however, when i have episodes - hospital episodes - i feel like i'm there naked infront of all these people... they stand there and preach to me about finding my higher power... to accept what is happening to me... to let go and let "God". no, i don't have chemical dependency issues. however, they tell me that the "steps" will work for my depression too... and so i listen... it's frustrating because i really do listen... it just seems like no one listens t what i'm trying to say. maybe i just don't say it right.
the rest of the lyrics sorta speak for themselves. i can't verbalize what's there and that makes me feel angry and frustrated... and it scares me that people will never see what is really happening because it's all in my head... when i get stuck here - which isn't a great place for me to get stuck - it does feel like my walls are crumblind down around me. those same walls that i worked so hard building the last time i went through all of this... *shaking my head* i just wish i could fix it.... even though i know it can't be fixed. accept it! accept it! that's what i really need to do... that's why i'm going to church on Easter Sunday. have a good one...