monday, may 1, 2001
was i a fool to think...

was i a fool to think that things could be different?
the anger draws attention - but not from you.
i stand completely alone on this mountain top.
i look down among those who have chased me up here.
you would be considered one of them.
you hurt me and yet i can't break away.

**********
some day i'll understand why i have these uncontrollable urges to get involved in things that are completely unattainable right from the very beginning. some day i won't have to constantly get myself into situations just so i can make things right for my sister.

what the hell am i saying? when i was very, very young she came to me - in tears. she asked why things were always so easy for me.... why was i so perfect. ok... so.... not a biggy. but it is - it was and still is. my sister is 6 years older than me. she's had problems all her life with dyslexia. everything was really hard for her... it was "easy" in her eyes for me.... the little, little sister.

i've spent my life trying to make things up to her. she's lived away from the family since i was 14 or 15... she made a decision to stay away from us... not me from her. and yet i have spent my life trying to make up to her all the things she lacked in.... i've been trying to show her that i'm not the perfect little sister she always thought i was................... needless to say it's been a rough trip for me. it's been a long, hard road as they say. yet i'm still actively involved in trying to make things just right for her.

for the last year or two i've been really, really angry at her.... i think she's selfish and clueless about what i've been through because of my insecurties i developed from our relationship. BUT STILL i continue to run around trying to be just the right person.... not doing too well... not doing too badly.... just being perfectly in-between...... ironic that i can't see the grey in any situation i'm in.

i'm going to stop here for the time being.... i think this was an important entry for me to write. hopefully as May rolls on i'll be able to do more - write more.... get more out.... i hope everyone is well. talk soon. j

tuesday, may 2, 2001
mountain top

the mountain top is small in area
no room for me to step this way or that
there is only room for me to stand
i look down on all of you
your faces with evil upon them
you know what you have done
i refuse to take responsibility for your actions

**********
jonathan only has to say "your sister" and i stop... stop wanting to think.... stop wanting to listen to what is inside of me. i've tried to come up with something horendous that she's done to me that would explain my adverse reaction to her. i just can't seem to find it. so now what?

friday, may 4, 2001
just walk away

i keep looking for you in places that you might appear
but you don't show up like you once did
i keep trying to put you behind me but i can't
i want you and need you to be there for me

**********
it's friday... i don't handle weekends so well - unless i have things planned. looks like it's going to just be me and 150 algebra tests this weekend. oh, that and softball practice on sunday.

it's 6:30pm as i write this. my "kids" are gone... i should be too. i just don't want to go out there tonight... out into the world of people who don't acknowledge my presence or anyone's for that matter. into the world of pain and misunderstandings...

i've been struggling this week. i don't really know any other way to say it. it's been a damn hard week. i'm uncomfortable with myself... i'm uncomfortable with the relationships i chose to be involved in... i'm uncomfortable with my job and where i live... i just don't want to be me right now. but i still made it to work... still made the phone calls i needed to make... *shaking my head* i'm damn tired right now.

i'll go home... get something to eat and probably head off to bed. getting to sleep has been really hard. it's like i'm putting up a fight with something i can't put my finger on. it's there but it's not. i keep trying to put it behind me... i try to push on through. i suppose that's all i can do.

hope you all are well... talk soon... kisses for you.... j

sunday, may 6, 2001
the pain

i can't organize a damn thing. i try to make a list. then when i can't get all of the items done in the day i just don't do any of them. i sit and worry about getting them done. or something like that. making a list kills me. i just don't know how do get all this done. i know how others do it... i know what works for jonathan... for my parents... for my friends... but it doesn't work for me and it's killing me trying.

i end up with all this fucking responsiblity that i don't want. especially for the things that i'm expected to do for my job until they fire me... oh wait, they did that all ready - didn't they. even so, i'm expected to go in there and do the job that they hired someone else to do for next year. if i sucked so bad... if i wasn't good enough to keep the job for the fall then why didn't they just get rid of me. NO... i'm good enough for them to use until the end of the year. after that they wash their hands of me and go on their merry-fucking-way.

so i have all this stuff to do and i just don't want to do it. i can't seem to remember what it is i need to do. when i make a list of things i get so stressed out that i just can't get it all done so i don't do any of it. or something like that. it kills me. it hurts.... this anxiety feels like someone is just shaking me and shaking me.... i can't get loose from it. it follows me everywhere i go.

i've got so many issues i don't even know where to go. right now jonathan would ask me to figure out what i need to do to get through the rest of the day. i want to curl up in my room and go away. obviously that won't work. i've got 120 more algebra tests to grade. i have the bathroom and dining room to "spring clean" - duties i'm required to do to live in this fucking house. and i have to cook for the people on my floor. again... another fucking responsibility.

just want to do this my way.... i want to do things on my terms. i had softball practice today too.... i called and said i couldn't make it to that. i needed to stay here and get stuff done. did i get it done? no... i couldn't concentrate long enough to get the stuff done. what have i gotten through today? i cleaned one bathroom. i graded one class of algebra tests. what haven't i done today? i haven't cleaned the other bathroom... the dining room... the kitchen. i haven't cooked yet. i missed softball practice AND i still have a shitload of tests to grade. it's 5:00pm. i hate my life right now.

i guess i'll stop for now. i'm really stresseed out.... thanks for listening. i'll be back.... j

monday, may 7, 2001
the new boy...

ok, so there might be a new boy on the block. i'm still trying to decide if i like him or not. i'll keep you posted......

sunday, may 13, 2001
you are so powerful

do you know what this is
no, i don't
but whatever it is
it's pretty powerful
have you felt this way before
oh, i thought i knew
do you know that i love you now
oh yes, i do

you know that i cannot stay
yes, i know
it has nothing to do
with you or with love
oh, yes it does
do not call or come around
do not tell
you know that i love you then

she awakens things
that he said he thought were dead
he says, are you happy now
oh yes, i am
but when it's over
how then will you feel
will you miss those arms that used to go
around you

so she stood there in the hallway frozen
in the dark
and her heart broke down
she cried
she fell to the floor
one tear
slid across her lips
to the corner of her mouth
and dropped to the floor

you are so powerful
am i happy
yes i am
do i know you love me now
yes i do
do i know you cannot stay
i know
all about love
you're so powerful

---- stevie nicks, love is

tuesday, may 15, 2001
you are so powerful - along the same lines

i'm 34 and still dealing with fears that i had as a small child. i leave the light on in my room at night when i go to sleep. when i was 8 i would fall asleep in the family room in front of the tv... my dad would carry me up to bed. when i got to big to be carried he would help me walk up the stairs. when i was 15 they bought me a dog.... the first night we had him he was afraid to go upstairs with me....

i can remember laying in bed thinking that there might be someone outside the window ready to kill me. or, when i was in the little bedroom, there might be someone hiding in the attic. that, i'm sure, came from the fact that my sister told me once that the hole in the ceiling in the closet lead up to witches.

i don't know where to go with this entry. it's one of those that will just sorta sit here i think. i'm still very afraid of most things. i hadn't quite realized that until last nights session with jonathan. i mean, i know i've been fearful of lots.... just hadn't realized that the anger isn't necessarily anger but fear. very, very powerful fear.

i'm going to go on about my day.... i'm sure there will be more about this later........ talk soon, j.

wednesday, may 16, 2001
lalalalala

it's been a long day. they always seem to be long these days. i'm sitting here at my desk at school. classes have long since let out and most of the teachers have gone home for the night. here i sit.

i've been feeling so lonely lately. or maybe not lately.... maybe most of the time. i see myself involved in things... participating but not really. it's like everything moves around me and i just sit there... sit here...

my insides are screaming in a language i can't understand.

here i sit....

thursday, may 17, 2001
in memory of Kaycee

****THIS WAS A HOAX****


a rather sick hoax. evidently, there was/is no Kaycee. someone has been pretending to be here for a few years now. i'm sorry that i got involved. what was i to know? it makes me wonder some. who are the people that i feel i've become close to via the internet? turtle? others.... who are they really? *shaking my head* i'm speechless at the moment. what makes a person do something like this? how do i know that anyone i talk to here is real? i'm angry too. angry at the possibility that people i think i know might be playing the same sick game. i can't go on. i can't verbalize what i'm thinking at the moment. i'm angry and i think i'm fearful... who are you really? who are you really?

****THIS WAS A HOAX****


i stumbled into Noah's site yesterday hoping to see him back. what i found was very confusing for me. if you click on noah's site you get a huge yellow flower. it says that it's what he gave to "her". it's what he gave to kaycee. i clicked on the flower and was sent to her site, living colors.

i'd been there before and read her work.... her thoughts.... her struggle with her disease... i had forgotten that she was only 19. i had been there to read so many times but had not necessarily realized just how sick she was. i enjoyed Kaycee. now she's gone.... Kaycee left a poem for her mom. it's on the site above.

I'm not sure when she wrote it but it was posted the day she died. i don't the circumstances behind her death... actually, i don't know much about her at all. but she died. i liked to read her journal... i liked hearing her thoughts and hopes... her dreams. i wish i'd gotten to know her... but then her death would be even harder for me.

i've lost people in my life... death... and for other reasons. i feel all loses deeply. it's just my way. i think about my friends now that i've read about Kaycee. i'm afraid... i'm afraid of losing them... of the void... i don't like death - no does. i think it's unfair.... i just have to remember that sometimes living - living like Kaycee was living - might be even more unfair. but i don't like letting go.

i've been holding on to a particular relationship now with all my might. he is a wonderful person to me. he helps build my fantasies. he supports my dreams and is ALWAYS there for me when i need him to be.... with just the right words. now and then i feel like i'm losing him and it scares me. but he "surfaces" - always with something happy and fun to say. i can't imagine losing him for real.... i don't think i'll try to imagine it. i'll just do what everyone always does when they lose someone.... take the time i have with him and make the best out of it. that sounds sorta corny but... well... it's what i mean.... hmmm. more later

sunday may 20, 2001
dear you

i run from people like you... no i don't. i don't run from anyone. i run to them. i don't want to stay this way forever... don't you see? i put all this out for you to see. it's all for you. it's for anyone really. i just want to be noticed. i want someone to say hello to me that really sees me. but i don't think i've ever met anyone who has - or has even tried. you are the closest.... i've let you get there. running to you whenever you let me. not wanting to ever let go. i sit here tonight, midnight, wondering what you are up to. what are you doing with your life? who are you letting in? who is letting you in.....

i tell stories of what it's been like. about the ones that got away. i don't quite understand what it is about me that just can't seem to get the big ones. the ones worth keeping. it has to be me... don't you think? of course you don't. you hold on to this idea that i'm really ok. that i don't need anyone in my life to make me happy. i wish i understood what it is you see about me. why you didn't quit long ago trying to make me see that i'm fine.

i just feel so crazy tonight. i'm missing something in my life right now and i want to believe that i'll find it in someone.... right now i don't even give a damn who that someone might be. where are you when i really need you? who the hell are you anyway? you aren't who you think you are. you sit there reading this believing that this is for you.... but it's not. it's for the one who got away a long time ago. it's for the one who i thought was so perfect.... who after all of these years i just can't seem to shake.

i'm afraid right now. damn, i'm afraid all the fucking time. he leaves me... you walk in... you leave and i drag someone else into my world hoping that he can help me make sense of all the fear. i look away and when i come back to him he's gone. i miss him now... i have so many questions... only he could explain... only you can explain... i want to reach out and grab hold of all this fear and say FUCK YOU. i'm 34 years old and i don't need you anymore. i don't want to be hit... or talked to like i'm a piece of shit. i don't want to lay my heart out there for someone to do what he's done... or what you could do if only i gave myself to you. i want to just say FUCK YOU... but i can't because i can't find you when i need you.

life could be a lot easier if i let it be. i just don't seem to want to give in and let it. i want it to be difficult. my life isn't ok unless there's a problem. i don't try the way i want to convince everyone that i do. i want to just sit back and actually let the world take care of me. i'm tired. i'm tired of looking out for everyone else but me. the awfulness of it all is that i don't want to take care of me. i don't even know if i really exist at all anymore. i don't know who to take care of. i feel like i float in and out of lives... days... places... i don't know what to say to end this. i could sit here and type all my thoughts but it'd never end. i really think this is for you... it's for someone anyway... maybe it's for me.

tuesday, may 22, 2001
who the hell are you and what do you want?

last night jonathan stood up to get the door for me and told me that he isn't normal. i have normal issues. for some reason i just need to prove to someone that i'm real. i'm not certain who that someone is. it's quite frustrating.

hrmm

turtle would say that normal is highly over-rated. on a good day i might agree with him. but good days seem to be out of reach lately. i realize that accepting things the way they are at the moment might make my days a bit easier. but, i think i'm afraid to accept the moment because i might stay stuck there.

wednesday, 23, 2001
falling through the cracks

so i go home from work last night and completely fall apart. i don't want to do anything anymore. i don't want repsonsibility for anyone other than myself. i don't feel like the people i pay to listen to me (therapits, etc.) are hearing what i say. with, of course, the exception of jonathan on most occasions. mary, a case worker of mine, actually asked me if i was near my period... that is the absolute last thing to ask a mental health patient who's going through a rough time.... ok, just go ahead and minimize the feelings i all ready have about feeling misunderstood. i managed a quick "no" avoiding ripping her head off her body and using it as a bowling ball on the back steps. demons....

but seriously...

so in the middle of my falling apart at the seams i have to stop what i'm doing and go to a house meeting.... THE meeting where my best friend decides to read a good bye letter because she's moving out.... moving away... as you can probably guess at this point i'm ready to.... um.... actually, i don't really know - i just felt like shit. so back to the feelings.

i live in this fucking group home so that i have support during rough times like yesterday. the thing is... since i've got this "regular" job... i'm coaching a softball team and playing on another one everyone seems to think that Jami is just fine. other clients ask why i'm still living there. HELLLO! i'm struggling.... i'm trying to tell everyone i'm struggling... just because i can get up to go to work doesn't mean the demons are suddenly on hiatus. i still have some very real issues. one of which is no one seems to take me seriously.

so after the meeting i wait for mary to get back from grocery shopping. thinking, of course, we'd finish up what we started before house meeting. *shaking my head* that would be a big NO. she goes into the office with another therapist and another client who's "having a hard time". she, the other client, has the option of just saying fuck it and going into the hospital. she doesn't have a job... she goes to a partial hospital program as it is. i, on the other hand, can NOT go into the hospital because i can not afford to lose my job. AND BECAUSE I JUST DON'T WANT TO GO BACK THERE. but... but, but, but, but, but... mary feels the need to help this other chick who is all ready safe and sound in the office chitchatting with another staff person.

so i throw a fit. one similar to a small child not getting to ride the horsey outside of the local Wal-Mart.

ok, i didn't stomp my feet or anything. but, i did lose it with the house. i went down - pounded on the office door and said something like "hello, i'm in need here". the staff person (not mary) told me to "relax" or something like that. again, not a cool phrase to use on a mental patient. i told her to just forget it. and made my way back up to my room hoping not to tear the bannister off the wall. shortly after that mary trots on up to my room as if nothing was wrong and she had planned to meet with me to follow up. i basically told her to go to hell. i didn't need to be ignored. i could be in my own apartment and be much happier not being required to cook and clean for other people. i wasn't getting what i needed from staff.... what's the real point of living in the place?

so she does admit that she sorta thought i would be ok. i'm doing so well, ya know. i go to work everyday. i get through tough times. she said she thought i could "hold on for a few more minutes". i'm guessing i don't have to express how pissed off that made me. she asked to talk and i basically yelled at her for about 15 minutes. and, in perfect "Jami-Form" i blame myself for not asking for help appropriately. i'm good, damn good at self-blame. i beat myself up over almost anything. just take the blame.

whew, i'm tried from writing this entry. do i feel any better today? nah, i'm still pretty damn pissed off. i really don't know what to do. i guess i'll just keep looking for a job for the fall. when i get one i'll move out of the house from hell. the advantages of having my own place are overwhelming... not forgetting the greatest advantage - MIMSIE! so... i should get some work done. thanks for listening again. Turtle.... hmmm..... come up for air sometime soon... k?

cheers

thursday, 24, 2001
don't know what to say

at the moment i'm in the copier room making copies for the math department. i've been their little secretary... no, administrative assistant (that sounds better) all year long. it's damn frustrating. i have to teach from pj's lesson plans because they, doug and pj, decided it should be done that way. so.... so very unnatural. i've taught algebra in high school for 6 years now. i know how to write a fucking lession plan. i know how to teach mathematics. i was talking to our assistant principal yesterday. he's getting the boot this year too. i'm not sure he knows it though. he'll be the last to know i'm sure. that's the way people do things around here. anyway, he said to me yesterday that he's surprised i lasted this long with the two guys i teach with. they have VERY strong personalities. VERY STRONG PERSONALITIES. al, the asst. principal, said i'd probably be happier teaching somewhere else anyway... he's right. i would. i'm counting the days.

it's been an interesting week. i'm tired and things haven't been the greatest. my thoughts have been rather disjointed lately - similar to this journal entry. Think i'll mosey on home and take a nap after work. thank God softball is finally over. talk soon.... j

friday, 25, 2001
don't know what to say. again.

in about 1/2 hour i'm suppose to call jonathan. friday check in. he'll ask my plans for this weekend.... socializing... it's not coming easily for me lately. i can feel myself pulling away from people. at the same time a part of me is trying to drive right through these feelings. it's ironic that i call turtle, my friend, turtle. i'm the one hiding these days. i'm plowing ahead but trying so hard to stay right here where i am. hmmmm. did that make sense?

tuesday 29, 2001
so ya lost your trust

yeah... i have...

wednesday 30, 2001
drawn to things

you realize that you are drawn to me. you come searching for something that you can't or don't want to explain. i give it to you... that something that you lack in your real time life. i know that. and, i believe you do too.

my life is a constant struggle - self perpetuated struggle - but none the less. i know you don't come here just to check up on me. there are other less subtle ways. you come for that something...

there are times, like last night, that i wonder why i do this day in and day out. it's definitely not for you but it's grown into something that way.

you've given me a label. if that's what it is you need to do to get past that need to explain me any other way than great. but i am still the one that you are drawn to....

perhaps after reading this you won't want to come back here. but i think you will. it's the place that you come to that no one else knows about. a place that tells you how much you are needed... thought of... i validate you.... and you validate me.

thursday 31, 2001
see and me

see: how ya doing today?

me: fine. why do you ask?

see: i don't know. it's the 31st. you are usually touchy on the 31st. what would have been this year? 10 years?

me: yeah. married for ten years. you know i divorced him so that i could have a better life. i'm just wondering when that life is going to start.

see: oh please! it's been starting. no matter how awful you feel right now, don't you think it's a damn better place to be than with him?

me: yeah... i see your point. you are right. i don't miss jeff. not at all actually. i do miss the job i had... the house we lived in... the material things. i'd like to have them back someday.

see: i'm not going to give you the "material girl" speech. i think you realize how lucky you are to be alive at this point. staying with him in the nice house, with the nice job, was hellish. you didn't enjoy those things then. i don't know. i suppose it's normal to wonder "what if". but here's one for you.... what if you decided to start living right here and right now?

thursday 31, 2001
looking back

i ran across this poem yesterday. i've been a weird place lately. it's funny, i wrote this poem a year ago..... it seems so real to me still.

still spinning

life is cold right now
and i don't know what i'm saying
shaking - not shivering
sleep calls to me but i can't respond
it hurts... you hurt
things moving in all directions
is that right or wrong?
where did you go when you went away
why are you making this so difficult
i don't know what i'm saying
this doesn't need to be a bad thing
let me just remind you of...
... my strength
... my anger
... my fear
... my sadness
i think you forget that it isn't so damn easy
i was waiting for your magic wand
imagine my disappointment when i discovered
that you don't have one
ride away now... on your white horse
this is a part of life that i understand
no wait, that i've come to expect
i have my own little way of saying goodbye
this time it's my turn
i turn away and run to him for answers
this time he won't be there either
and, i don't know what i'm saying

may 15, 2000