wednesday, may 1, 2002
if i only knew
so lastnight i finally catch up with my turtle friend and i'm knocked out on my drugs... i'm sure it was a wonderful conversation. it's been so long since we talked.... but, i can't remember anything more than him saying something about his "sunshine". *eep*
jonathan says i don't open up to him. scary thing is that i feel like i open up to him 10x better than i do to anyone else i know (except turtle sometimes). i did open up more tonight. it's about time i've only been in therapy with him (jonathan) for 3 years or so.
you've been so kind and generous - i don't know how you keep on giving. for your kindness i'm in debt to you - and i never could have come this far without you... for everything you've been... you know i'm bound, i'm bound to thank you for it.
-- natalie merchant, thank you
thursday, may 2, 2002
i wanted to be so perfect
i didn't always want to be a school teacher. when i was little i thought i'd be an accountant. i even balanced my savings account when i was 8 yrs old and found that the bank owed me 3 cents. i called them and they gave me the 3 pennies... go figure... lol...
i remember sitting on my kindergarten teacher's knee when she asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up. i probably said i didn't know. i remember her asking if i thought i wanted to be a teacher like my parents. i'm not sure what i said but it feels like i said "no".
in college i bounced around from major to major... economics... science... math... finally i think my mom told me i had to get out of college soon and i needed to pick a major. and, here i am.....
and, here i am today waiting for parents to come in and harass me about what i gave thier kids. i missed about a month of classes and... well... they think i had no right to fail their student. so, here i am trying to explain that when i was here teaching their sweet innocent child did absolutely nothing and more than that they didn't even pick up a writing utensil while i was out sick. so... how am i obligated to pass him/her?
teaching is damn frustrating. tuesday i was ready to quit. i have a couple of classes of juniors who talk all the time. they talk when i'm not talking - they talk when i am talking... they talk so much they don't hear me ask them to stop. i suppose this is my fault. if i had better discipline i wouldn't have this problem. or, it could be that it's nearing the end of the year and juniors will be juniors.
my father was an outstanding teacher... he still is. i went to the same high school that he taught in. kids would come to me and say "your dad is the coolest teacher. he's sooooo hard but he is so awesome." and i'd think... hmmm... ok... i think part of me not considering teaching as a career was that i'd never be as affective as him. i'd fail... somedays i do feel like i fail miserably. i want to be perfect at what i do. i want my students to think i'm as outstanding as my father is.
i know i'm hard on myself. but i don't feel like i've given 100% and that really bothers me. i suppose i shouldn't be throwing out excuses but i haven't been able to do much they way i feel i should. i hate that excuse. i hate the illness. i hate taking medicine 3 times a day so that i can function half-assed. but that's the best i can do right now. and, i really do think things are getting better. so maybe this next/last quarter will be better than the rest. cross your fingers for me....
monday, may 6, 2002
what a wonderful world
Tulips and a CUBS came... can it get much better than this?
wednesday, may 8, 2002
falling into dreams
i really look at other people. i study them to try to find that part of them that is like me. jonathan says that everyone has his demons. and while i'm smart enough to know that this is true, i want some proof. i want to see these demons. it's not that i wish them on anyone. but, if they do exist for everyone a little proof now and then would sure make me feel a bit better about mine.
where everything feels like the movies... yeah, ya bleed just to know you're alive... when everything's made to be broken i just want you to know who i am. goo goo dolls, iris.
i have a couple of friends who i wish i could be like. jonathan tries to convince me that i'm probably more like them than i think. i'm sorta stubborn though - i'd like some proof! would it be too much to ask for it? yeah. i guess it would. i just need to learn to trust things. trust God that he's right there/here with me and he knows what he's doing with me. i don't know. i'm not great at accepting things... i guess we are all well aware of that.
and all she wants is a little piece of this dream... is that too much to ask. all she wants is that something to hold onto... that's all she needs.... song... don't know the name or the artist... sorry.
tonight i'm going to get together with some women that i go to church with. we don't talk all religious - not that it's a bad thing. we just sit and bitch about things that piss us off or make us sad. sorta a group session without the stigma attached to it. is stigma the right word?
i'm going to smile my best smile and i'm going to laugh like it's going outta style... look into "their" eyes and pray that "they" don't see that this learning to live again is killing me... garth brooks, learning to live again.
so i'll just keep on checking people out... i'll keep looking for the parts that make them "like" me. in the meantime, i need to stop and gather myself together... i need to put the right foot forward so that i can stay in one piece. things haven't been all that bad lately which means that i'm feeling a new fall coming along. i gotta stop if before it happens.
it's just another high they keep selling me... just have a ball... just be a barbie doll... momma i'm strange... i'm just pretending i'm mending... i'm going insane... they want me to change... momma i'm strange melissa etheridge, momma i'm strange
thursday, may 9, 2002
quote...
despite the best planning and blocking, "the hole is never where it's supposed to be." some running back in pro football.
friday, may 10, 2002
every now and then
it's beautiful outside again. i was out earlier. i may just go sit out back after i write this.
weather like this reminds me of a guy i knew, Troy. every now and then i think about him and what he was... what he meant to me. funny, everytime i tell this story i feel a knot build in my tummy... it's not really a story that will interest anyone... in most cases everyone has a story just like it... you know, the one that you thought for sure was THE ONE... then it all changed... in one day, snap of the fingers, it was different. the story where you find yourself asking... how can we feel soooo sure about something and it be sooooo wrong in the end?
i really liked Troy... troy. i felt like when he looked at me he really saw something deep down inside of me... and he gave to me something that no one has been able to since... but he's gone now. i woke up one day and he was gone. i knew the night before that it was over. i knew i'd wake up and there would be no more troy. i don't think i believe much in soulmates. but, the way he touched me. i just can't explain it. the way we connected... no words out there that i can use to describe it. but it's gone. and it's been gone for a very long time now. i keep looking around for it. i wonder alot if maybe that was it... that one connection you have with someone... i can't help but wonder if that was it and it'll never be back.
i've never hated him. not once have i wished it wouldn't have happened. there's not much i'd trade for that experience - the time i had with him. people come and go in my life... as they do in everyone's. the going isn't always so tough. he told me, once, that if he had to pick a word to describe me it'd be "survivor". isn't that ironic... i certainly survived him. i do think about him... every now and then...
did ya fall for a shooting star... did ya miss me while you were looking for yourself out there.... train drops of jupiter
monday, may 13, 2002
nothing... just sarah
i'm in a place tonight that i haven't been in much lately. i think i'm depressed. ok, so i've sounded damn depressed lately... but i think it was more anger then. tonight i can feel it inside. it's holding on so tight... i feel like maybe crying might be a good thing.
i left jonathan's office in tears... maybe that's it. maybe i'm hanging onto something we talked about in session tonight. i'm hanging on so tight that i'm having troubles breathing. maybe that's the problem.
i wish there were words i could use to describe what is happening to me at this moment. i feel like i'm a little girl sitting in the corner of her dark room hoping that no one... no one bad will find her. if she hides in the right place, she'll be safe. and then there is the fear of being found. what will happen to her then?
i need to stop because i'm getting too close to something that i have trouble remembering isn't real. so, i tried to pick out the words from this sarah song that are most appropriate for this moment. i'm just so sad...
...I feel just like I'm sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go
if all of the strength and
all of the courage come and
lift me from this place
I know I can love you
much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love, so it's better this way,
I said having seen this place before
where everything we say and do hurts us
all the more. its just that we stayed
too long in the same old sickly skin
-- sarah mclachlan, full of grace
it's better this way....
tuesday, may 14, 2002
the Second Coming
Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all convictions, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
-- excerpt from The Second Coming by W.B. Yeats
thursday, may 16, 2002
3rd time's a charm
Vs.
3 strikes your out
it took me three attempts but i finally made it to work this morning. twice i put my pjs back on and went and laid down.... trying to come up with some real reason why i couldn't make it to school today. but i couldn't come up with one. or, i didn't want to come up with one. yeah, maybe i wanted to go to work. or not. either way i made it on the 3rd try and that's what counts... 3rd time's a charm.
a lot of things are going on right now that are stressing me out. i've got the financial blues... that will be the story of my life forever. there's some ties that i've broken and wish i hadn't (friends and such). there are things that i wish i'd done differently. so here i sit tonight with these things dancing around in my head. makes me sad. three little things that i've lost my grip/touch with because i just didn't care.... and, friends will only put up with the crap so many times... 3 strikes your out!
friday, may 17, 2002
don't catch on quick
...so it's better this way, I said
having seen this place before
where everything we said and did
hurts us all the more
its just that we stayed, too long
in the same old sickly skin
...
-- sarah maclachlan, full of grace
i'm sorry but i stayed too long trying to be someone that i'm not.
sunday, may 18, 2002
pacing the cage
i don't know what i want to write tonight. i just feeling like writing. the lyrics that follow are a favorite of mine. sunset is an angel weeping... holding out a bloody sword and no matter how i squint i can not make out what it's pointing toward... i had an apartment on the lakeshore a few years ago. i would sit out on my porch and watch the sun go down over chicago... there were nights that the sky was so red that i was sure it was bleeding... just never was sure why. was it just a reflection of my heart and all the pain i was going through because of my marriage needing to come to an end... i don't know... but i'd sit there at night and watch until the last bit fell behind the skyline - not wanting it to go. i've never been one to let the day go easily. in fact, i want to hold on to everything so tightly. but i'm learning. i'm learning about giving things up... at the risk of sounding too spiritual i'll just say that i'm more and more convinced that there is some power out there greater than me and my life would be so much easier if i just stopped fighting it.... if i'd just let some things go. i've been doing that a bit more lately than i ever have... i'm letting go of things i didn't realize i still had a hold on.
i guess that's all i've got for the night... i've been sick all weekend. think i'll go to bed earily. i'm actually looking forward to going to work in the morning... damn. it's been a very long time since i can remember feeling that way... night... have a good week.
sunset is an angel weeping
holding out a bloody sword
no matter how i squint i can not
make out what it's pointing toward
-- bruce cockburn, pacing the cage
sunday, may 26, 2002
nothing to say
nothing much to say. things have been going around the way they usually do. not much getting better... not much getting worse. so. what should i say? i looked for some lyrics but i couldn't find any and i'm sorta in a hurry this morning..... just wanted people to know that there's nothing new - even though there's always something new... i'll be back soon. maybe i just needed a break.
monday, may 27, 2002
Memorial Day
it seems to me that we have alot to remember this Memorial Day. Every now and then i see a something about 9/11. i am still chilled to the bone when i think about what happened that day. Personally, i suppose this is a good day for me to remember where i was two months ago... a year and a half ago... even more. i'm not nearly chilled to the bone but, i should... i wish i could remember that i am better today than i was then.
could you let down your hair
and be transparent for awhile
just a little while... to see
if you are human after all.
honesty is a hard attribute to find
when we all want to seem like
we got it all figured out.
let me be the first to say that
i don't have a clue
i don't have all the answers
ain't going to pretend like i do...
just trying to find my way
trying to find my way the best i know how.
i haven't got it all figured out quite yet,
but even if it takes my whole life
to get where i need to be...
if i should fall to the bottom of the end
i'll be one step back to you
--- Lifehouse, trying
thursday, may 30, 2002
it's Thursday!
i can't believe how fast this week is going. i've had to hold on several times because i felt like my feet were being pulled out from under me. i've mentioned i'm a teacher several times. once in awhile i'll talk about my students. today i had a student ask if i was pregnant.
*pause*
*big, huge, pause*
the answer to that question is NO! no... i'm just fat. and now i know that what i've been saying about myself lately is true. i am fat. i actaully handled the little asshole well in class. however, i left afterwards and went into my office and cried. then i taught my last class and came home.
it's thursday and i feel like it's tuesday. where the hell has the week gone? not that i'm complaining. yayayay it's almost the weekend. i'm just exhausted. freaking exhausted... and unhappily overweight (which sounds much nicer than fat).
time to go eat LOL... talk to ya later.... OH HEY! sign my new guestbook... but only if you can be nice about it. i have the right password to fix it if you aren't!