thursday, november 1, 2001
i want to be a collector!
my turtle has been missing.... i wonder if it's time that i let go of him. time to move on? but turtle has been this piece of a part of my life that i don't want to forget.
the other night jonathan, my therapist, asked me to make a list of coping skills. he's leaving for 2 weeks - getting married - and wants me to have something to fall back on if things get tough. so i made the list... the first item on it is getting on my computer and reaching out somehow. turtle has been that somehow for a long time....
my mother told me once when i was in college that the friends i was making would probably not be the lasting type of friends... she said that people grow out of eachother. i don't want to outgrow turtle. i'm afraid that it's time though... it just happened it seems. he's gone his way and i've gone mine.
i don't like that we grow.... ok, maybe i do. i just don't understand why we have to leave things behind. where is it written that i can't have a lasting relationship with someone.... who's shitty idea was it that we meet people that we can't continue on with in some manner.
i remember as a little girl i'd say i didn't want to ever grow up. now i sit here typing laughing at how silly that sounds. i just don't want to let gooooo of things anymore. i want to be a collector! that's it! i just want to be a collector.
monday, november 5, 2001
leaving it all behind
and i look at you - and i hear your voice
and i try to remember - i try to remember
so don't you look at me with worried eyes
because you know we gotta try babe ...
all i know is i wanna be with you.
i have to make a choice. do i stay here or do i go somewhere and start over - with my website i mean... therapist after therapist and friend after friend have told me that starting over doesn't leave things behind.... or something like that. anyway i got the point...... you never leave things behind.... or so it seems. things follow you... they stay somewhere locked away in a place that most minds won't let you go... mine goes there though...
so... i found myself saying today that i need to look for love in something other than those 3 little words.... look at where and i am and who i'm with and what i believe in and see the love around me..... but for some reason i need constant verification with those 3 words. you can bend over backwards for me showing me ways that you love me but if you don't say those 3 fucking words... i don't believe you.
back to going somewhere and starting over with my website. i've been feeling like i can't be the person i came here for originally. it's too hard to let myself go because of the people who come here and see me..... thinking they are seeing the everyday me. but they aren't. you aren't. i don't know... i guess in light of the love stuff i wrote about above i should say that i really don't write to anyone specifically. the love stuff.... it's about anyone and everyone in my life.... like most of what i write about. but here i am explaining myself and i don't want to... i just want my website back. i want to let go and write whatever i feel like writing.
so i guess i won't be going anywhere with my site. i'm here and i don't want to leave. so this is it... and tonight i don't have time to go back and edit this... it's a final draft here as i type. i hope it came out right...... take care - talk soon.
wednesday, november 7, 2001
i let you down again
if you don't smile again
you will cry until the end
cause i know where you're bound
with the sorrow that brings you down
so now i beg of you
tell me what i can do
to make you smile again
cause i let you down my friend
most of the anger i carry around is anger that i have at myself. and while i know, logically, that this time it's not mine... it's not me... i can't help but wonder.... where did i go wrong? what did i say? what did or didn't i do? truth is that i've been doing so well lately that i figured something like this would happen....
moving too fast.... moving at all in a direction that feels too good to understand. no. i don't understand.
never let you down again..... never let you down again..... ok. i'll take you up on it - just like i've done over and over again in the past. this time it'll be different.... this time i won't stop smiling... this time i won't let you down...
it's going to happen though... again and again and again.... it's as if i forget that drinking makes me incredibly sick and so i go get drunk and land myself in bed for 2 days. just like that really... after awhile ya forget how awful it is. well i've been trying hard to not forget what being so sick was like for fear i'll stop taking care of me.... but this stuff with love and relationships.... i'll forget again..... let myself down again....
good night... take care - talk soon.
monday, november 12, 2001
nothing else to lose
i sorta feel that way lately... nothing else to lose. it occurred to me the other day during a conversation with a friend that i've been through a helluva lot in my life. not that i'm suggesting it's been something more awful than experiencing the sept 11. tragedy in person. but i've seen some things and it's always interesting for me to hear what comes out when i have convesations about my past.
this past weekend it came to mind that i once was so angry at jeff, my ex-husband, that as he chased me through the house i made my way to the bedroom where he kept a pistol. i actually reached up, grabbed the gun and pointed it at him.............. then i realized what i was doing and put it down. it wasn't loaded. it's just the thought. i am not a person like that.... it was not me, is not me, will never be me..... *shaking my head* i can't believe i'm even talking about this now. i can't believe i told my bf about it... once again i had the "why in the world does a woman stay with a man that turns her into this?" conversation. and once again i knew exactly how my bf felt in asking... and i knew exactly how i felt in staying with jeff.... i can't explain it. it's frustrating as hell. i couldn't leave... or i was afraid to leave.... what sort of explanation will suffice? there isn't one really. just happened and now i'm not involved in it.... and i'll never find myself involved in a relationship like that ever again. i was lucky. i got out before the man killed me. or, before i killed him.
how frightening is this entry?
so back to the purpose of this entry. i guess i am talking about it because i've been having some experiences lately that remind me how important it is to know that i'm a big girl and can take care of myself... it's taken me a damn long time to come up with this. i think for a long time i lived the role of the victim because i didn't know anything else. i only knew how to be helpless. lately i've proven myself otherwise and it's an awesome feeling! so... i can babble on about this i guess. or, i can move along and get some other things done. i do need to thank my bf for listening to me... and my Turtle friend for the talk we had... for him reminding me just how strong i've become. they are both great guys! i'm lucky to have them in my life!
take care - talk soon.
wednesday, november 14, 2001
no name face
she likes dreaming of having dreams. for some reason she's not able to have them any other way. closing her eyes to capture what it is she wants when they are open. it's like she's in a different world......
so she goes to sleep to open the door. perhaps they will stay with her this time.... she can pull them through what separates dream from real life. it's like she's in a different world......
lastnight michael, jonathan's stand in, reminded me that there is gray in the world... somewhere inbetween the black and white. i can't hold onto that thought though... it just doesn't stick to me. i don't know how to find it.. i don't know where to look.
they - whoever they have been in the past - tell me time and time again that there isn't necessarily a right or wrong. damn it that pisses me off! sure there is... there has to be a right or wrong. we grow up learning all about right and wrong then one day they change the rules.
saturday, november 17, 2001
lost and found
through the years i've grown to love you
though your commitment to most would offend
but i stuck by you holding on with my foolish pride
waiting for you to give in
--- sarah mclachlin song
just came across an old paper journal from 1999 - shortly after i "met" my turtle friend... and here i am 2 1/2 years laters. i hadn't realized just how much i've grown in the last couple of years. i guess near death experiences might eventually do that to a person.
lastnight my bf and i were watching a Law and Order - SVU episode. it was about a man who was born to a woman who had been raped. he was a rapist and a murderer just like his father. anyway. it seemed like they - the show - were dealing with feelings about keeping babies who were conceived out of rape. or maybe they weren't and i'm just sensitive towards the issue. my own would have been 5 years old this month. i choose not to bring it into the world though. at the time it seemed like the right thing - the only thing i could do. the rape itself landed me back in a mental hospital. then i found out i was pregnant. so there i was... had lost my mind but faced with having to make a decision that i was in zero shape to make.
i guess i don't really want to talk about it now... now that i've brought it up. Wow how my life would be different had i made a different decision. i know that i did the right thing though.... it makes me shiver to think what i would be going through... what "it" would be dealing with in life right now. still doesn't seem like morally an acceptable decision. shit. what am i really trying to say here? that i'm... that i'm what? 5 years now of dealing with this decision but never really talking to anyone about it. i need to stop. i'm going to stop here and go on with my night.... think i'll watch a movie or something with Mimsie. another day, another entry.... more about lost and found issues.... moving on.... take care - talk soon.
saturday, november 17, 2001
lost and found
through the years i've grown to love you
though your commitment to most would offend
but i stuck by you holding on with my foolish pride
waiting for you to give in
--- sarah mclachlin song
just came across an old paper journal from 1999 - shortly after i "met" my turtle friend... and here i am 2 1/2 years laters. i hadn't realized just how much i've grown in the last couple of years. i guess near death experiences might eventually do that to a person.
lastnight my bf and i were watching a Law and Order - SVU episode. it was about a man who was born to a woman who had been raped. he was a rapist and a murderer just like his father. anyway. it seemed like they - the show - were dealing with feelings about keeping babies who were conceived out of rape. or maybe they weren't and i'm just sensitive towards the issue. my own would have been 5 years old this month. i choose not to bring it into the world though. at the time it seemed like the right thing - the only thing i could do. the rape itself landed me back in a mental hospital. then i found out i was pregnant. so there i was... had lost my mind but faced with having to make a decision that i was in zero shape to make.
i guess i don't really want to talk about it now... now that i've brought it up. Wow how my life would be different had i made a different decision. i know that i did the right thing though.... it makes me shiver to think what i would be going through... what "it" would be dealing with in life right now. still doesn't seem like morally an acceptable decision. shit. what am i really trying to say here? that i'm... that i'm what? 5 years now of dealing with this decision but never really talking to anyone about it. i need to stop. i'm going to stop here and go on with my night.... think i'll watch a movie or something with Mimsie. another day, another entry.... more about lost and found issues.... moving on.... take care - talk soon.
tuesday, november 27, 2001
happy anniversary Mom and Dad
every year i think i do a Happy Anniversary for my parents. and in it i marvel at the fact... or maybe i brag that they have been together for 40 years or more. pretty damn impressive i think! i do respect them.... lots....
so... um.... lately i've been kicking around the idea of how i chase men around and shouldn't. i mean..... i don't let go of the obvious. i hold on and do whatever i can to not let go of things that never were mine and would never be mine.
will you hold on to me. i am feeling frail.
will you hold on to me. we will never fail.
i wanted to be so perfect... you see
--- cranberries' tune
*sigh* i just don't have the energy to chase anyone anymore. Turtle reminds me all the time that there are plenty of men out there that i wouldn't have to chase... don't chase 'em - dump 'em.. or something like that.
i don't have much more to say... this entry will no doubt come back to haunt me... but it needed to be said. so much more to say but just don't feel like i can.... bummer.... take care - talk soon.
wednesday, november 28, 2001
Sacred Ground
i don't capitalize words often here. but you'll notice that i capitalized today's title. someone referred to this place as my Sacred Ground. of course he was right. and so here i sit tonight..... listening to some shit on the radio and wanting to throw-up. i was way out of sorts yesterday.... well, monday too. i don't know what happened. oh... maybe it has something to do with the bf. for one thing i don't know if he is a bf anymore... and that's ok. i just don't want to hang around something that doesn't exist. but i also don't want to come right out and ask him about it for fear that he'll tell me what i'm afraid of hearing.... that there isn't a relationship... then he'd be just like all the others - which is exactly what i figure is the case. no one is different... errrr... no men are... or at least the men i meet aren't any different. you'd think that i would notice when i meet them and they stand there with CAN'T COMMIT written on there forehead. you'd think i'd catch on a bit sooner.... 35 years old and i still end up with men that suck.... that or i scare them all away and it's all my fault. that's always a possibility.
i really think i'm looking for the perfect man. no time for confusion on his part... fall in love with me completely damn it! and do it immediately so i don't have sit around waiting. i don't want him to have second thoughts. i don't want him to be mean at all. i want him to always be in a good mood, always be fun and touchy feelly would be good too - especially in public. i want him to want to be seen with me. and he must understand all my little moods and accept them completely. is that asking for too much? yes i suppose it is. damn it!
so i'm sad... been sad for a few days now. sadness leads to panic. at least it does for me. and so i'm panicky as well as sad. i don't know why i'm sad. or, maybe i do... i feel so lonely. i don't know how i could have just spent 5 days with people - 5 straight days with someone 24 hours a day - and still feel lonely. loneliness makes me sad and sadness makes me panic. so i'm panicky. i mentioned that already didn't i? so "he" asks me what he is suppose to do if i have a panic attack. the first thing that came out of my mouth was perhaps he should just laugh at me. then he said something like... "no, really, there isn't anything i can do." or something like that. i guess i just wanted hugs and instead felt like i was being pushed away into this little space in his life that he wants to deal with when he feels like it. all i know is that right now i'm sitting here miserable but not miserable enough to tell him that i am. i mean that might just manage to scare him away and then i'd be alone and lonely both.... shit, don't want that. noooooo i'll just sit here lonely and sad. geeesh this sucks.
deep inside of me...... (third eye blind song).
yep, this is my Sacred Ground and i need to reclaim it as mine. so everybody else just back off this place and let me have my say.... guess that's all i've got... this is a little weird... sorry... i'm feeling weird. take care - talk soon.
wednesday, november 28, 2001
and then some..... more
i'm sitting here trying to cry. it's hard to do that when you don't really know what it is that you want to cry about. i mean... i think i should be crying for what is happening with me.... pushing me away...... pushing and pulling and really just fucking me up royally. there was a time when i could put certain music on and just cry away. but that was a long time ago. but this time... maybe i'm not really sad. maybe i'm pissed off in a major way. i mean - i've got the music going... no tears.... *waiting* still no tears. God i'm confused..... *sigh* ok. maybe now i can cry. crying is good sometimes isn't it? oh boy this entry is even stranger than the last one. sorry... just trying to reclaim my ground.... it feels good to have it back in the little way i feel it's coming back to me. geesh.... i'm weird. i'll be back with more... take care - talk soon.
thursday, november 29, 2001
finding a hobby
so it's been brought to my attention that perhaps i should find a hobby. "he" told me this as a joke... ha, ha. i didn't laugh. truth is i could use a hobby. this website was it for a long time. now i just can't seem to get here as often... or when i do get here i don't seem to have the ideas. the entries suck. so here i am. i need a hobby. email me if you have any ideas! now i'm off to do some school work...... take care - talk soon.