This is the story of a girl,
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world!
And while she looked so sad in photographs,
I absolutely love her,
When she smiles...
-- 3 doors down, story of a girl


november 1, 2004
my immortal

I'm so tired of being here.
Suppressed by all my childish fears.
And if you have to leave,
I wish that you would just leave.
Cause your presence still lingers here,
and it won't leave me alone.

aaron was always there for me... in a way that i can't explain, 4 million miles away from me but it always felt like he was sitting here beside me. i've written tribute after tribute about aaron. i remember when he said he was leaving. i should have figured it out by then. i didn't even have to try. i knew he was going for good. and he did.

You used to captivate me by your resonating mind,
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind.
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice has chased away all the sanity in me.

so many things happening... so many things i want to share with this person i felt was my bestfriend. he was someone who was there. he gave good advice. he spoke in a way that i felt like he was right here all the time. i can't say that his face haunts my pleasant dreams... actually it's quite different. i've never slept well. and definitely don't dream good things. however, the other night i dreamt about him. he was here... here in the states and he was coming to see me..... face to face for the first time. of course i woke up knowing the truth. but none the less there was excitement to my dream for that one small moment.

I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone.
But though you're still with me,
I've been alone all along.

But you still have...
All of me.
-- evanesence, my immortal

oh, he's gone for sure. i've been talking to a web friend of mine that knows aaron. he actually "introduced" the two of us (aaron and me). he says that no one has really heard much from him. ...says that he probably wants it that way. i always tell my friend that i don't understand how he could totally walk away from me... how i could have been so wrong about something that was so real for so many years. Wicks, my friend, says that it couldn't have been easy for him... he's staying away because he knows that it's right to stay away and if he even dropped in for just a very quick hello that he wouldn't be able to walk away again. he knows and i know that aaron is still with me. i'd like so very much to believe that he isn't. but he is. and in a "web" sorta way he will always have .... all of me............ goodnight.... more tomorrow.


thursday, november 11, 2004
THE VAULT

so it's finally here...

THE VAULT is a new page to my site. the first page i've added since the beginning in 1999. i feel as though i'm really taking a risk here but including it online. they are all entries that i've pulled out of my very private paper journals. they are entries that i never thought in a million years anyone else would see. but for some reason i am compelled to bring them out of the dark and into the light...... so to speak.

i haven't been feeling real great lately. been feeling depressed. but i know it's not a bad depression - nothing hospital-like about it. it's so weird. i'm feeling this depression at a time that i've never felt more comfortable in my skin... with my life. how can this be? has anyone else felt this way before? i'd put an "email me" link here but i'm too tired to find the link and i can't remember the code by heart anymore. so, if you want to respond to that question you can hit the "email me" link over there to the left. it'll get you there.

gosh, i don't know what else to say. i'm tired and i need to go to bed. i've also added a link to a very important person in my life's website. if you have been reading me for awhile you'll recognize one of the names immediately. he has only been one of the most important person/s in my life for the last 5 years... for nearly the same amount of time that this site has been active. he's been here almost from the start. it is his listening and understanding and being so truthful and trusting that has made me feel like maybe it's ok to share all this with someone...... so go to "turtle rides" and hit the "psychotherapy of chicago" link and check it out. it's the least i can do for the guy.

guess that's all i've got for the night.... peace! jy


monday, november 15, 2004
story 'bout a girl

i have been consistent in writing in a very long time. i guess i figure that things are ok and whenever i write around someone that i have feelings for they find it and read it and take all the wrong way. or, all i do is write about my troubles with the relationship i'm in. so i write........

i'm not doing the best. lately i've just felt so overwhelmed - i think - that i can't get motivated to do anything. it feels like i'm mad all the time. i can't figure out what that is all about. i'm tired alot. i know that. jeff asked if i was more prone to seasonal affect disorder than most people because of my depression problem. i think maybe he thinks that's what is wrong. i don't think i am..... but i am depressed right now. i notice that as soon as it gets dark i start to freak a bit. i just feel anxious and scared and lots of things. it seems like if i don't got to bed when it's dark then i won't have enough time to sleep and then i won't be able to function the next day. hell, it's gettin dark around 6:30pm. i definitely don't need to go to sleep at 6:30pm!

so what is going to make this entry worth reading? any poetry? any lyrics? anything profound (sp?)? i have a lot of school work to do. my application for the master's program is due tonight and i left it at home. i'll take it over there tomorrow if they let me. if not....... i guess i can't get in.

damn this is a very boring entry. i just have so much school work to do. i need to go. maybe i'll be back.... until then, cheers! jy


monday, november 22, 2004
who's next?

i don't know if i'm saying final goodbyes in my dreams or what the hell is happening. for the last few nights i've had dreams about guys that i've been close too. two nights ago it was David Epperson... i haven't heard from him in ages - since 2000-2001 or so. i don't have time to tell you all of the stories behind each guy but i can say that it's odd that after all this time i'm seeing them in my dreams... weird as!

last night and few nights ago it was aaron. now, as you well know if you've read much of this site, aaron is from new zealand and i never met him. we talked very "intimately" about life... generally my life as he was very private about his own. he was honest, just private. but he helped me alot and i grew very attached to him - his emails or chats. but he's gone. been gone now for almost 2 years. he moved away from christchurch with is girlfriend and never looked back.

so, who is next? troy? ryan - no, that dream actually happened already too? chris rowan? i had a dream about my ex-husband not too long ago. if i'm lucky that will be the last one - the final goodbye. i just don't get it. this dreaming about guys. and it's usually a dream where they are telling me why they can't be with me anymore. all of these things have been said in real life (or computer life). it's not as though i don't know why i'm not with any of them. but for some reason these dreams keep happening.

so, now what?

who's next?

and, does it matter?

i was driving to school this morning (i'm a math teacher) listening to sarah mclachlan. 3 of her songs from surfacing stood out. maybe because of these dreams or maybe because i'm finding it so damn hard to trust jeff - for no apparent reason. i listened to these songs - which have been around for some time now and thought about all the times i used the song as "the" song to represent a relationship. the songs aren't person specific in other words. does this sound incredibly idiotic? hmmm.

i suppose i should talk about jeff and our "problems" communicating. it's so hard to talk to him about stuff that upsets me. he just turns and walks away. i tried cornering him lastnight, which i know wasn't the most wise thing to do..... but i did. he got a little heated and told me that he is trying to talk more to me but he has 32 years of no practice at it.... did that make sense? i wanted to say that i have 38 years of not trusting people under my belt. and that's probably pretty accurate because it started when my mother would disappear to the den and not give a reason why... was it my fault? what did i do? did she still love me? question after question that i haven't seemed to find the "correct" answer to. oh hell, i don't know.

unfortunately i have to go prepare for class. i'm not anywhere finished with this entry but i'll have to leave it as is for a while. i'll be back to explain the necessity of post 3 songs on my site... until then, take care, jy


tuesday, november 30, 2004
11 down and 1 to go

i still have these songs here. i had thought that i would use them to write entries with. the words mean so many different things to me given a certain moment in time. they are all songs that could describe some part of my life. something that i might have been thinking about or dreaming of... maybe they resemble a relationship... with someone or just with me. i don't know... they could be about anything. i will write today and then next tuesday i'll probably feel differently about them. yesterday on my way into work i was talking outloud to myself.... what has this journal... what has this computer done for me in the last 5 years that i've been online? what has it become to me? so many things popped into my head. i want to talk about them and more. i'm just torn with whether or not i should do it now or write about the songs.... i don't know..... who really cares anyway. i'll just write!

"I Love You"
from "Surfacing" (1997)
also found on "Mirrorball" (1999)
-- sarah mclachlan

 i have a smile
stretched from ear to ear
to see you walking down the road

we meet at the lights
i stare for a while
the world around disappears

just you and me
on this island of hope
a breath between us could be miles

when aaron would come online, depending on how he came online - icq or irc... i would glow. in the very beginning he meant something more to me than i would have or could have ever explained or understood. and it's like the song says... he come "walking" in to my life and i'd just smile, reach out and bask in the moment. and for that very moment, we were alone..... he on his island and me on my own but so very close together. there was much more than a breath between us even if it didn't feel like it. there would be moments when we'd pause for a moment and i knew he was still there and i'd wait... then we'd start back in chattin and i'd realize that he knew that i was there too.

let me surround you
my sea to your shore
let me be the calm you seek

he surrounded me somehow. i was safe when he was there. and thinking now about where i was in with my illness and stuff at the time, that was all i needed. i made it into so much more than it really was. he was my calm. when i look back now i see that i went to him because he made me feel good inside. i was going through such an awful time. i was alone and sick and scared. nothing can be worse than having depression - a bad bad depression episode and be totally alone. i was anxious in a way that would grew into a complete monster in time. while all that swirling about was going on in my insides, he took care of everything else. he represented normalcy. something that i swore up and down i'd never know.

oh and every time i'm close to you
there's too much i can't say
and you just walk away

and then i'd talk to him and want to say so many things... but i just couldn't let myself. and before i knew it he was gone as quickly as he'd popped in to chat. he just "walked" away. there i was..... left alone again. i wanted him to know that i'd lied about jason..... jason was a guy i made up just so he didn't think i was alone... pathetically alone. i'm sure there were other things i told him only for the good of nothing really... i just didn't want him to know how awful i was feeling.

and i forgot
to tell you
i love you
and the night's
too long
and cold here
without you
i grieve in my condition
for i cannot find the strength to say i need you so

and so he'd leave. i can see now that it wasn't that i wanted to tell him that i loved him so much as i wanted him to understand that what we had with eachother i loved. it was the connection... the conversation... the interest he took in me. he use to say that i would never like him if i actually had the chance to meet him in person. i swore up and down that there was no way that he was right! he was superman to me (before jonathan came into my life) and he could do no harm. but again, as i look back now, there's a huge possiblity that i wouldn't like him... no, i loved the conversation... what i was hearing... and the thing that i wasn't getting at the time was that he never had to back anything up in person. so his feelings that he said he had for me were very real because he didn't have to prove them. at least not in person.... oh, but i needed him! he was the reason i'd get up out of bed some days. when i was at my worst i could go there and he'd be around or he'd come in looking for me (that's what he'd tell me anyway) and he'd bring me up out of the dark and into the real world..... er...... real world on the computer at least. i wasn't have a real life of my own. i had zero direction and figured i was doomed to be sick the rest of my life... so he represented my world. it was the time when i could shut everything out and pretend..... design my own fantasy world revolving around our conversations.

oh how i loved him so.....

more to come........ see ya in december!

 "Angel"
from "Surfacing" (1997)
also found on "Mirrorball" (1999)
-- sarah mclachlan

 spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

"Full of Grace" from "Rarities,
B-Sides and Other Stuff" (1996)
also found on "Surfacing" (1997)
-- sarah mclachlan

 the winter here's cold, and bitter
it's chilled us to the bone
we haven't seen the sun for weeks
to long too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go

if all of the strength and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love

so it's better this way, I said
having seen this place before
where everything we said and did
hurts us all the more
its just that we stayed, too long
in the same old sickly skin
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go