i don't want to listen
the words don't let me chose.
they reach into my heart
pulling strings like a puppeteer.
i would fit in so well.
life would be so easy
the words would become true.
i wouldn't hurt so badly.
my space is so beautiful
to those looking thru rose colored glasses
they filter out the fear
they ignore the obvious anger.
making common errors
i'm too sick to recognize
it's too late to see the pain.
it's a good life here
at the moment i'm lost
between here and there.
thursday, october 26, 2000 broken wing
drowning in a circle of tears
she sees the bird with the broken wing
it's out of her control
she still feels the fear
the crying out for attention
she moves closer only to find no love
where has it gone?
where does she go now for fun?
slowly life moves closer to her
she wonders when she can feel
when will it be safe again?
pushing away the obvious hunger
none of this makes sense
not the tears, the blood or the pain
it's all she knows though
no one for her to fight against
don't run to the medicine cabinet
the enemy is not hiding there
the broken wing will mend
it will soon fly away and she will forget
tuesday, october 24, 2000 24 hours more
she pushes herself
24 hours more
she doesn't subscribe
to this crap
she wants nothing of it
what else will work?
life moves forward
amidst the anger and pain
destination unknown
long overdue
pay the pauper for the penalty
move too quickly
leave behind honesty and self love
what will happen to the rest
new life grows in the spring
thursday, october 19, 2000 on and off again
yesterday i boarded the train at kimball. i got off one stop later and waited for the train to take me back to kimball... during my wait i tried to call the school to let them know i was "still" sick. but, i couldn't get through to the school - damn phone.
something happened to me after that. suddenly, i felt this rush - sorta like the one i get when i cut myself. it's as if the tension has been cut. that's the way calling felt - even though i didn't actually get through. whatever happened i got back on the train to downtown (from kimball). i went to work and actually got through the day - staying late to do things around my room (i'm a school teacher).
i don't know what the hell happened to me... i made it today. didn't get off until i was at the chicago stop. here i am. i'm a bit overwhelmed with 5 sets of tests to grade. i'm listening to my realplayer sing Creed, Arms Wide Open to me. i'm exhausted. i'm here but i just don't feel like i'm "back in the groove". i hadn't realized how hard teaching was before now. it's physically tiring......
on the train this morning i looked down (out the window) and say a man in a wheelchair wheeling himself up a one way street. it looked like he was racing some invisible swarm of 'runners'. he was looking back as if to see if they were gaining on him at all. there was no one else around. just this guy in his chair. one of my first entries here i wrote about a man who talked about the Savage Dump. his own little world where the hallmark is the "accepted currency". sometimes i feel like i'm in my own little world. i wonder if people look at me and wonder who or what i'm running from.
at the moment i'm running from all these tests here on my desk. yesterday i was running from just being here. last month i was running from the razor blades... i just hope that tomorrow i'll run in the right direction - get on the train and come back into work. i suppose that's enough to worry about...
tuesday, october 17, 2000 concentration
ok, i'm having difficulties concentrating right now. i'm on my prep hour (2 1/2 hour prep). i should get some stuff done. I'm just not able to really focus.
david did surface late sunday night. it seems he's having some depression problems himself. basically, this is how i see it. he stuck by me this summer through the hospital and everything else.... i am absolutely not going to turn my back and walk away from him. my roommates think i should do otherwise... well, just one roommate. it's not like i value her opinion or anything. it's just that when someone tells me their opinion, for a short time i think it must be written in stone.
now, jonathan, on the other hand, i value his opinion as if it were gold! i met with him lastnight and he agrees with me - don't runaway. we both (david and i) have way too much invested to just quit. i think david agrees with me. enough of this subject. i really can't deal with online journals that fill me in on every last detail of a relationship... so, i'll move on.
actually, i need to move on with some work here on my desk. so, i'll let you all go for now. more later.
just a really quick thank you to my friend, Jessy. she sent me an email that nearly made me cry. what great support she's given me through this! THANK YOU JES!!!
monday, october 16, 2000 a song
I fall apart when you're around
When you're here I'm nowhere.
I can't pretend that I'm not down.
I show it, I know it.
I've been a fool more than once, more than twice.
I'm gonna move to a new town where the people are nice.
I hope I never, I hope I never have to sigh again.
I hope I never, I hope I never have to cry again.
I still want to beam and smile.
Happiness is back in style.
I hope I never, I hope I never have to see you again.
Should be possible I know, to see you without stress.
But I can see I have to go. I'm changing my address.
My urge to cry I have failed to conceal.
Life, it's no fun, when you're hunted by
the things that you fear.
I hope I never, I hope I never have to cry again.
I hope I never, I hope I never have to sigh again.
I'm for living while you can.
I'm an optimistic woman.
I hope I never, I hope I never have to see you again.
Written by Split Enz.
Performed by Annie Crummer on the ENZSO album.
sunday, october 15, 2000 part 2 - how to keep on going
man i fucking hurt! yesterday, i was with lynn and lauren. we went to mcdonald's for dinner. i told them that i really need to figure out how to get through this. normal people go through losses and breakups all the time. i want so badly to be normal. now i just need to figure out how to do it.
i had planned to stop writing here.... i didn't think it was doing anything wonderful... my website, i mean. i'm not sure that i write for other people - i write for me. but, it seems like this has just been a waste of time. but now, i'm thinking that i really need this place. i need to get this out and my paper journal just seems too private. i don't guess that makes sense... hmmm... i know this is private - sorta... but, knowing that someone else might be reading it makes me feel like i'm reaching out for help.
Lord knows i need some help right now.
i can make it to work tomorrow. others do. they fall and get back up. i just have problems with the getting back up part because i don't want to fall all over again. so.... in the past i've just stayed down. i know i can't do that anymore. i need to move forward. i'm getting to old to just sit still.
i'll get there somehow. this ache inside of me is incredible. i'm going to try to move forward. i think.... i just want to breath but i feel like i can't. God please help me understand all of this........
sunday, october 15, 2000 it hurts
this isn't going to be your normal whining about my boyfriend breaking up with me. at least it's not for me. david hasn't called me since thursday. i've talked to him everyday since january - sometimes 3 times a day. suddenly, he gets a new job and i get a new job and i don't hear from him. to make matters worse, his ex-wife (almost ex) called me at 3:00am this morning and asked for me to have david call her.
i don't know what's going on with him. i do know that i hurt so deep down in my heart that it's difficult to breath. normally when something awful happens to me i can talk to people around me about it. in fact, i search people out who will listen to me. i can't talk about this. i'm trying to talk about it here. in between tears i come up with hope that he'll call me. hope that something awful hasn't happened to him - his depression finally getting the best of him. i don't know. i really don't understand.
i couldn't believe the luck i had in getting my job. now i wonder - and this isn't nice - but, i wonder if it's God's way of saying you can't have everything for free. you have a great job. you can't have a wonderful relationship too. for years people have all but promised me that God doesn't punish people. that he doesn't ever give us more than we can handle. trust him - they tell me. how can i when he's suddenly taking my other half away from me?
at night when we sleep next to eachother i feel him breathing. we breath together. we think the same - he was my twin. we suffer from the same depression. we care about people - honestly. now what? now where in the hell am i going in my life? i'm so sad. i'm so sad.
david, where ever you are... i love you
saturday, october 14, 2000 hidden
she can't see the changes she's made
they lay hidden behind memories of her past
he tells her to reach through and pull them out
she doesn't think she knows the way
advice doesn't come easily to her
they criticize, they mock her, so it seems
he wants her to hold on tight
she can't believe she's strong enough
she wonders when the ride will end
they sit back and laugh - sending her around again
he warns her to sit still
she doesn't like the feeling of being in the moment
she looks around at all the many faces
they laugh and cry - they scream out her name
he tells her to ignore them
she doesn't think she can
thursday, october 12, 2000 ?????
Gah! I'm so tired. It's only 2:00pm and I'm ready to go home and jump in bed. I am supposed to run down to our administration building to drop off a form but I am NOT feeling well. I think I seriously need to go home and get some rest.
The school social worker was just here to drop of a summary sheet for an emotionally handicapped student. We talked for quite a while. I could only wonder what she must see in me. I doubt that she sees emotional problems. The whole time she was telling the things I should know about EH kids I couldn't help but think to myself... "if she only knew".
I was drawn to my wrist... rubbing the scars that I've inflicted over time to "help ease the pain". Did she see them? I wear long sleeves on purpose. I don't want anyone questioning me. But still... do I wear it "on" my sleeve - I wonder??? I shoke it all off. There isn't much of a chance that she could know. No one here knows that I go home to a group home every night. No one here knows that when the pressure is on I want to release it with a razor blade. No one here knows that I cry myself to sleep at night for no apparent reason. No one... suddenly I feel so alone. I know that this loneliness is essential to my keeping this job. I won't tell on myself. I'll just keep it to myself instead.
I do have Jonathan still. And, I'm back to art therapy in a few weeks. Those are the places that I can release the pressure. If only I can make it until then. Last night I talked to Mary, my primary therapist at the house. I told her I'm feeling a lot of stress. I have the urge to hurt myself but I just can't seem to give into it. I know that's good. I just don't want to EVER give into it. So, I'll just have to keep talking. But not here. Not at the school. No, they can't know who I really am. At least not certain parts.
Wrapping my day up... I've gotten emails from several of you. Thank you for your support! I wouldn't be here if I didn't have some of you out there believing in me. I wish everyone was as understanding! Have a great day. kisses....
wednesday, october 11, 2000 aaron is a god...
i sit here at my new teacher's desk! at the moment i have no students. it's very quiet. i'd forgotten how much i appreciate quiet. before i walked into this place yesterday i'd been afraid of quiet. hands would reach into my soul and grab me - touch me - poke at me. i didn't like quiet. it's amazing what can happen in 24 hours. i just feel like i've been sucked in by a whirlwind.... things happening around me.... responsiblity that must be taken. i had none. now i have too much... at least it feels that way.
monday night i was chit-chatting with a friend. when he had to go he left me with words of wisdom... "when all else fails... remember, aaron is a god." that's aaron for ya. when in doubt - laugh! well, i did do some laughing yesterday. and now that i've had a second or two to settle down.... i'm laughing some more.
i spent 3 hours grading papers when i got home lastnight. i've got probably just as many to grade tonight. or, i could sign off here and grade some........ woohoo, what a great idea. i think i'll just sit back and enjoy my quiet time. i'll grade a few papers and head on out the door at 3:00pm today. now, if i can just remember to laugh a little.....
monday, october 9, 2000 that i would be good
that i would be good
alanis morrisette
that i would be good even if i did nothing
that i would be good even if i got the thumbs down
that i would be good even if i got and stayed sick
that i would be good even if i gained ten pounds
that i would be fine even if i went bankrupt
that i would be good if i lost my hair and my youth
that i would be great if i was no longer queen
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing
that i would be loved even whyen i numb myself
that i would be good even when i am overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy
that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good
whether with or without you
i start teaching tomorrow... this is my prayer - my mantra! i have to remember that i know what i'm doing. i've 6 years experience teaching kids... calculus for crying-out-loud... i can surely teach these students. it's just algebra I.
needless to say, i'm nervous. my father taught for 36 years. he told me that he was nervous the night before school started each of those 36 years.... oh boy.... oh boy....
thursday, october 5, 2000 I GOT A JOB!
I got a job!
I got a job!
I got a job!
ok, ok....... you get the point.
what job - you ask?
actually, it's quite a dream. Chicago Public Schools built a brand new school for advanced freshmen. They named it after Walter Payton..... and it's incredible! I can't even begin to explain the technology this school has.... EVERYTHING is wired!
now i sit back and think about it.... boy, this is a big, HUGE, step for me. i'm sitting here in this group home surrounded by illness. i want out but i don't know if i'm ready to be out. if i'm not ready to be out of here how am i ready for a fulltime teaching position and the #1 ranked school in the city?
everyone has been sooooooooo supportive of me taking the this position. i'm still going to wednesday night DBT group (more on this later). i still meet with jonathan (like i'd ever give that up!). and, i'm still going to (hopefully) find time for art therapy with EJ. i'm going to be a busy, busy person!
geesh..... at least i only teach one subject - algebra. i don't have to focus on trig or calculus which is a great relief! i don't know.... i just hope i can hack it! something deep inside of me feels like i can - no problem. i think i'll stick with that feeling for awhile. i mean, this is what i do. i teach. it's second hand for me. at least it was second hand..... i don't know.... or do i? i think i do......
i'll keep all of you up to date. maybe getting out and working will help my creativity! we'll see..... talk soon!
monday, october 2, 2000 vulnerability
"Many artists begin a piece of work, get well along in it, and then find, as they near completion, that the work seems mysteriously drained of merit. It's no longer worth the trouble. To therapists, this surge of sudden disinterest is a routine coping device employed to deny pain and ward off vulnerability."
that quote comes from Julie Camerson's, The Artist's Way.
vulnerability is a strange word to me. I don't understand it. I've looked it up. I've asked for help. I just don't like the word. just hearing it gives me the heebie-jeebies. I go numb. I become confused. OHhhh, I just don't like the word.
what does it really mean?
I like the quote though... lately, I've been working with jonathan on following through with activities. I'm looking for answers... why can't I seem to finish something that I start? There's a void, so many times, in the process. A void I can't seem to figure out or explain. I'm not wishing to look for an excuse. And, I don't think this quote does excuse me from following through on things. I just liked seeing that others have the same problem. maybe I'm not just a lazy-butt. maybe it really is just plain difficult sometimes. maybe there is a reason for it after all. at least now I'm anxious to find the reason. at least now I don't have to be so hard on myself.
sunday, october 1, 2000 something new
well, the title says it. i'm working on something new. the last 'something new' i was working on didn't work. heh. bummer. so..... hopefully the next time you stop in i'll have something more pretty to look at... or, at least different! see ya....