When I grow old.....
When I grow old and come to know more truth
And have the time to contemplate my youth
I shall reflect upon the days gone by
And idly sit and analyze the whys
Of loves who came to share but for awhile
And looked into my eyes just to beguile
Then left and took a wing upon the wind
As sullenly to heartache I descended
Yet with another knock upon my door
I opened up as eager as before
And greeted the newest suitor with delight
Prayed that I would not become contrite
I dreamt that for a moment I had found
A heart which sang to me a cherished sound
----- sudo nem 1992



October
19 - no, nothing, zip!
20 - vienna

thursday, october 19, 2006
no, nothing, zip!


holy crap have i been screwed up lately. i KNOW that i am manic right now. manic and my doctor doesn't agree.... now, i've been around the block a few times with this mania stuff, and i KNOW when i'm not right. And folks, i'm not right. but this isn't all about me - even though that's how i always think it is.

i screwed up my job.... nothing that i feel comfortable talking about here so i'll just leave it at that.

what is really wrecking me right now is Jeff. he has been trying and trying so hard to find a job. i know he's been trying just like i know that i'm manic right now. it hurts! it hurts so bad to see him like this. i can't explain i guess.

i see this really great man... with such a deep love inside of him for everything around him... with a desire to make something out of himself so strong that he could move mountains with it. and then before i realize it he looks me in the eye and asks, "why"? and i don't know what to say to him.

i'm in tears just thinking about how depressed he is getting. i don't anyone, especially my husband, to feel any type of depression... it eats at you... it builds up in the core of your being and before you know it, it suffocates you....... i'm sooooo scared that it will happen to Jeff like that. i want to protect him. i want to call every damn place he's applied to and interviewed with and ask them what the hell can't they see in him????

but i can't fix him. now i know how my family feels/felt about me when i was my sickest. it's such a downer! i'm such a downer.

October is my absolute, bar-none, favorite month. i wait and wait for it. but the last many years, i've let it come and go without a thought. and, hell, here it is the 19th already.

i don't know.... i just don't know.... i went running tonight after work. i'd like to think that i can start working out again like last year (started in January and lost 20lbs by March). i'm hooked up with some really great ladies through sparkpeople.com. i met them all over on the website for the biggest loser, but it cost money to be a part of that and sparkpeople is free... i think it has better services than BL. i still watch BL. it's just not the same without jillian though..........

i guess that's all i have for tonight. i was lookin' through some poetry online and found some good stuff. i'll see if i can't get it on here in the near future.

until then........ peace!


friday, october 20, 2006
vienna

i've been working on this entry for nearly 5 years... has it really been 5 years? i told myself when he "left" that i'd get over it just like i got over everyone else in my life. it was just a thing... a computer thing on top of it. how hard is it to just keep movin' on after something like "that"? and how many times do i have to do all the same things and think all the same things... and say all the same things... write about all the same damn things?

i've wondered for so long what this entry would be like. when i'd get around to really tucking it all away under all the unfinished business i'd stuff under wherever it was that i've stuffed all that stuff. welp... this seems to be the day. oh hell in all honesty this may not be the end. this may not even be about "him".

.........


i just want you to know that i did finally get it together. you were right, i deserved a lot more than i was letting myself have. i should have listened to you sooner, but hey, better now then never. i wish you could meet my husband. he's perfect! well... he's perfect to me and that's what matters. he's really quite cute - but hey, would you have expected less? he's funny too, oh holy crap he's funny... he's quick, ya know, like you were. and does he love me! i really think that i may have been put on this earth to be with him. i use to think that God got it all wrong for me. i thought he put me here for you and it was his sick little joke that we'd never get to be together. maybe it was his way of getting back at me for the abortion.

ah but that's obviously not the case. i've been thinking a lot lately about all the "no's" that God said to me and all the times i just hated (for a huge lack of a better word) his decision to not let me have what i wanted or be with who i wanted to be with. i look around and i see how soooo very wrong my life would have been if i'd gotten what i wanted...

i wish you were around to know who i am. you were real to me, you know that. i thought i'd lost a part of me when you took off. i wasn't mad i was completely sad about it all. well, ok, i was mad at you. but more at the fact that i'd run you off somehow. you know how it was always all about me and no one else. God, i was so self-centered. as i sit here and write i'm not sure that i might be a tad-bit pissed off still. BUT!!! only because i want so much for you to know how happy i am... and just know what i am really like - really like when i'm happy. life is tough still - that will never change... marrying jeff hasn't made life less difficult. it's just made it a whole lot easier to deal with. he's amazing, aaron. he is truly a part of my soul.

i hope you are ok. i think about you now and then... you with kim in auckland.... then i look back on my life since you stopped being a part of it and i see how much i've changed. i wonder if you have??? i think i've been through 4 computers since i first started talkin you way back in the day. i'd save messages from you on my hard-drive so i'd always have them to look at - to read.... yeah, i was weird that way. i was going through some stuff in the basement and ran into my old, old computer hard-drive. it's just sitting there. i'm not sure what it's doing... what part it's playing in my life. but, i do know that the next one - the 2nd computer i had is sitting real close to it untouched. i wonder why i keep that stuff. i'm never going to get back into them. even if i did, i don't know what i'd do with it all. maybe it's like keeping photo albums that you won't.....