friday, august 31, 2001
no strings attached

lastnight i walked into therapy and there on the table set a book i'd loaned jonathan and the writings i'd given him since i started with him a couple years ago. actually, september is 2 years that i've worked with him...

so picked up the writings and started paging through them. jon said he thought it was amazing to see how far i'd come. i quickly decided that i didn't want to read 'em. i said thank you and was ready to move on.

yesterday was my first official day at my new school. i was so tired when i got home that my eyes burned. i decided to cash it in early and go to bed. but there they were... my writings... sitting there on the floor. i reached down, picked them up and started "looking" at them not reading them. next thing i knew i WAS reading them... one at a time... i started to cry.

how'd jonathan know i'd changed? as soon as i started reading them i realized just how he could tell. but something weird happened. reading it all brought those feelings back to the surface. i immediately picked up the phone and left a message for jon telling him that i didn't understand - if i'd grown since i wrote all of it why were the emotions still so raw?

it was a bit frightening. i didn't know if reading it all would plunge me back into the disgusting mess i had spent so much time in. i was afraid i'd wake up this morning back where i'd started.

the good news is that i woke up this morning right here - not 2 years ago in a nasty psych hospital.... i went to school. i got a lot of work done. and, here i am doing just fine. i don't know if there is a moral to this story or not. possibly just a lesson to be learned. or maybe it's just an important observation that i'm making. i have grown. i'm not attached to those places i was in back then. i'm free - no strings attached!

monday, september 4, 2001
first day

i start school today with the kids. i'm not as nervous as i was lastnight. i didn't do the sleep thing well. i couldn't sleep - thoughts of everything i don't like about myself danced through my head.... i was suddenly reminded that i am not the sick person i was a year or so ago. and i'm not. i know that. but what i couldn't stop thinking was that at anytime i could fall flat on my face again. lastnight i was sure it would be today.

i'm not sick.... not like i was. this depression stuff never really goes away. it's there... it's sorta in remission i guess... at anytime it could raise it's scary head........... but i'm not going to sit and wait for it. i think what i'm afraid of is that i'll be doing soooo well that when it does - if it does - people won't accept me the way they do now. they will be under the impression that i was "healed". i shouldn't be going through all the pain and misery anymore - it's done - gone - it' shouldn't come back. but the thing is... it doesn't go away. oh, i said that already didn't i?

hrmmm... just something to think about i guess.

wednesday, september 5, 2001
bad feather day

i ran into a pigeon this morning who was definitely having a bad feather day - i could relate!

thursday, september 6, 2001
i am what i am

I didn't hear you leave, I wonder how am I still here,
I don't want to move a thing, it might change my memory
Oh I am what I am, I'll do what I want, but I can't hide
I won't go, I won't sleep, I can't breathe, until you're resting here with me

this is from "here with me" by Dido..... i don't know why it's here. i was listening to it this morning and they have been haunting me sense. i feel so out of control lately. i'm sure it's because school has started. so many things to do... things are going well here at school. i honestly think my students are learning. it feels like it anyway...

the rest of my life seems to be full of exhaustion. i'm always tired this time of the school year. i feel like i'm neglecting my friends... i guess it's hard to be a good friend to someone if you fall asleep while you are with them.

lots of strange thoughts... reminders to do things that i forget to do anyway. i feel so absent-minded. hrmmm... hopefully i get it together soon. take care - talk soon.

sunday, september 9, 2001
throwing stones

my head is swirlin'! i don't feel sick anymore... it's a weird feeling - almost a lonely feeling. it's just not natural for me to feel "normal". the feeling that it's all going to come undone around me seems to be slipping away. i know. i know. that is a good thing.

my friend is having problems getting it all together. she's been out of work since december. i don't think she wants to go back to work... actually, to be fair, she's worked for a few weeks now at a temporary job. but she's missed just about as much as she's worked.

i know what she's going through. it just seems like maybe she's not trying. GEEEE, i can't believe i just said that. how do i explain this? i know what it feels like to want to just give up. but i think i can honestly say that no matter what i was feeling about giving up i kept trying. it just doesn't seem like she's trying anymore...... but who am i to throw stones.

hmmmm... take care - talk soon.

monday, september 10, 2001
if you live life then you become what you are

i've got so many little things to say... i didn't have the greatest weekend. i was stressed out about my friend - the entry from yesterday explains that. actually, aside from that it was pretty good. i was with my bf the whole time. i was going a bit stir-crazy there on Sunday. i think i was just really stressed out though...... it felt good to just go lay down in his bed and sorta stare out into nowhere.

i think i'm living life more. at least i feel more "normal" and less "sick". i'm moving out soon. the apartment is mine i think. the residents that were in it moved out last weekend. i'm thinking that means i'm in. the apartment agency hasn't called though. i'm looking forward to moving in... living alone... doing my own thing whenever i want to do it. walking around the apartment naked if i want to.....

part of me really really likes where i'm living. there a little teeny-weeny part that will miss the apartment where i was before i moved into the group home. the walk to the train. the things that i'd see that would remind me that i'm so much better off than i think. there was "howard" and the pink dressed dancing lady - i'd run into them every now and then. there was the pierced man with two big dogs... the Indian store with cool indian tv shows and authentic indian food that frightened me too much to try.

i suppose there will be things like there where i'm moving toooooooo..... i'll still have a hike to the train. it's doubtful that i'll run into the same rif-raf i'd see at my old place. this new location is a "nice" location. but i'll find 'em. instead of seeing the people who can't get it together and know it - i'll see people who think they are all together, want everyone to think they are all together when they really aren't. i'll see "howard" and the pink dress dancing lady. they'll just be different on the outside.... did that make sense?

i guess that's all i've got at the moment - jumbled mess! take care - talk soon!

wednesday, september 12, 2001
quietness... is that a word

i couldn't get to sleep lastnight. it was too quiet. no airplanes landing or taking off from O'hare.

the train was filled with expressionless people this morning.

my students are worried about a world war.

me? i'm not sure how i am right now. probably just like many of you. are you angry too?

take care - talk soon

thursday, september 13, 2001
violence and more violence

i don't want anyone to think for a minute that i'm not totally torn up about what happened. i am. i just have a hard time thinking that we are going to retaliate... kill more innocent people... is that what this has to be about? no amount of killing is going to bring any of them back... i don't know...

friday, september 14, 2001
sick cycle carousel

innocent children aren't harboring bad guys. i guess that's all i can say at the moment..... ok, maybe not. Turtle stopped by lastnight and left a message in my guestbook. i'd really like to hear from all of you on this. Noah (noahgrey.com) left a message at his site saying something about an eye for an eye not being the way to go this time.... Faith (dollheads.com) is in New York. i've got people all over the world putting their stuff out there for us to see. EVERYONE has been affected. but then, that's obvious.

i just don't know what to think. i want to move on past this just like everyone. but the "stench" is still in the air all over the world. will it go away? will it go away without killing anymore innocent people? i'm so sorry that we lost so many. but it makes me sick to think that we are going to sacrifice even more innocent people. there was a picture of a 11-12 year old in the middle east firing an automatic weapon in response to the disaster. he was cheering. i don't want him to die. even if he might grow up and join the military there.... geeesh, i don't know. damn it this is so confusing.

lifehouse's sick cycle carousel is playing on my cd player at the moment. hmmmm. quite appropriate i'd say.

take my security from me....
faith makes everybody scared...

i'm just babbling now. i'm trying to hold onto the fact that i'm helpless in all of this... shit, i don't really know what it is that i am holding onto.

hmmm.. faith... faith in what at this point? i'm wondering what we had faith in to begin with. i don't think we had much. i think a lot of us tricked ourselves into believing that we were invincible (spelling?) - had "faith" in that. but i've known all along that we weren't! now look at us... now we are lost because we didn't have faith in anything real to begin with. ok. i'm done now. take care - talk soon.

saturday, september 15, 2001
the carousel goes round and round

i got up this morning and looked outside... looked up into the sky for planes. i guess i think that seeing planes would be a sign that things are getting back to normal. like things will ever be normal again.

i've been up for a few hours and still haven't turned the tv on. it's not that i'm not interested. i just don't want to keep seeing people falling from windows or others telling us their story about the last phone call they got from their loved ones. it's not that i'm turning cold here or anything. it's just that i have so much sadness inside that i don't know if there is room for more. i wondered this morning as i was getting out of bed if we'd bombed anyone yet. maybe that's another reason i haven't turned on the tv. i don't want to know.....

i DO want the people responsible taken out. i DO. i just feel so awful that more innocent people have to die with them..... but then i suppose you know how i feel on the subject by now.

sick cycle carousel.... round and round it goes.... we bomb them and they bomb us back... i guess i sorta believe somewhere inside that they wouldn't bomb back because if they had the capabilities to do that they would have done it by now.

i could talk about my apartment and how excited i am to move into it! i got the keys yesterday. i went in and just stood there looking around.... saying "it's mine! it's mine!" yes. i am very, very, very excited to be there in my own place to do my own things! it's not that i'm unappreciative of what people have done for me the last 2 years. i can't begin to tell you how much their support means to me. i'm just ready to move past that stuff. not forget it - it's unforgettable. i just want to be human again. that's what getting this apartment means to me.

i'll go now. take care - talk soon.

tuesday, september 18, 2001
settled down

i suppose i've settled down a bit. most people have by now i suppose. i'm taken by all the patriotism i've noticed lately. it really is like we are coming together because of this. it's nice.

just like i thought, my life pretty much stayed the same. trying to get to sleep lastnight was hard. i had all this things going through my head. i could have talked to my bf about them i suppose. i just didn't want to bother him with thoughts i wasn't sure i could finish. however, he'd listen if i talked. he always does. thoughts moving around and around just like that carousel.

i finally bought The Noonday Demon. it is incredible. if you are interested in it email me and i'll give ya the details. or, you could got to amazon.com and put that in for the title. they can give you the scoop too. i highly recommend it - even if, especially if, you don't suffer from depression.

i don't have much to say. i'm hungry and tired and want to go home. unfortunately i have an appointment after school. so... off i go. take care - talk soon!

friday, september 21, 2001
you get me

i was just having a conversation with someone about how he "gets" me. now i hear this song on the radio..... hmmm.... well, ya do get me! *wink*

you get me - michelle branch

So I'm a little left of center
I'm a little out of tune
Some say I'm paranormal
So I just bend their spoon
Who wants to be ordinary
in a crazy mixed up world
I don't care what they're saying
as long as I'm your girl
Hey you were on my side
and they, they just roll their eyes

You get me
nobody understands
you come and take the change
(baby) you get me
you look inside my wild mind
never know what you'll find
still you want it all the time
yeah you do- you get me

So what if I see the sunshine
in the pourin' rain
some people think I'm crazy
but you say it's ok
you've seen my secret graden
where all of my flowers grow
in my imagination
anything goes
I, I am all you want
They, they just read me wrong

You get me
nobody understands
you come and take the change
(baby) you get me
you look inside my wild mind
never know what you'll find
still you want it all the time
yeah you do- you get me

thursday, september 27, 2001
what's going on?

did ya think i was never coming back? i'll always be back. i moved this past weekend. or, sorta moved... i still have to get my things from david's. yes, they are still there... not in his apartment - in a storage space. so that stuff will be here on tuesday.

so what's up with me? i'm not sure really. things haven't been good at the school. i'm going to hold off on explaining until i can talk to my parents about it. i still have my job.... just had a run in with a student.... hmm... in fact, nothing is wrong with my job at all...

i feel all upside-down lately. i don't really have anyway to explain it. i miss my turtle :o( are you still out there somewhere???? i don't have much more to say.... maybe more later.

saturday, september 29, 2001
the noonday demon

the problem with the sort of depression i've been experiencing for the last week or so is that i can't explain what it's all about. i don't know where it's come from. i don't know why it's hanging around. i can't tell how bad it really is.... it's just here. one thing that i do know is that it will go away. and it'll probably go away pretty soon. at least i think it will. in fact, it may be gone. i'm not sure.

the good news is that all the bad stuff in the past and all the stuff i've gone through has actually taught me some. i've learned that as bad as it seems it's going to be ok soon. in fact, it's not even that bad. a year or more ago this little "episode" i'm experiencing would have sidelined me for a long time. but not this time!

so i'm going on about my day. making a couple of adjustments here and there. i'll be fine. it sucks. it sucks realllllly bad. but i'll get through it. wish i had more to say....... guess this is all i've got. take care - talk soon.