friday, september 5, 2003
you write your songs yourself
these are some lyrics from a Stevie Nicks song... that made me stronger
Dreams reoccur in my solitude...
Breaking my heart...
Injuring my mood...
With all of the things that I thought I knew...
It was you...
Well the conversation rings in my head...
"Well you know me better than I know myself...
Will you write this for me?"
He says, "No, you write your songs yourself"
That made me stronger...
It made me hold on to me...
Well I remember you caught my eye...
It was late September
It was no surprise...
He made me better
His songs were soft and tender sometimes...
yes..... it's september.... and it is no surprise... i knew he was going and had even said goodbye. it's been months now since i've seen him. i thought... i'll just develop that hard-ass irc position/law that says chatters are chatters - they come and go.... you'll always find someone to take their place. OR NOT!
the other morning i found myself crying in the shower. wondering if it was the move, summer school, harris, anything, i just kept crying. it wasn't until i stepped out of the shower and began to dry my hair that i realized it was him. it was aaron. i was missing him. and the truth of it all is that i miss him everyday.
he moved on... just like all the hard-ass chatters talk about/promise. after all... it's law! but aaron moved on for a reason. he was following his heart and soul... and for that i have all the respect in the world for him. however... when he left, i don't think he realized that he took a little piece of me with him.
i was talking to his bestfriend - not a usual occurance. he told me that "of course he knows he took a piece of our world with him." he said, "you two were very close. you can't just move on and not remember. of course you miss him... computer or not." let me just tell ya, this friend of aaron's... he's the hardest of hardcore irc law makers!
i feel so frozen at times. i think about all the things i've gone to him for... just to be listened to. and, the times i wanted him to fix my problems... and he's simply say "no, you write your songs yourself." - just like the lyrics above. i can't help but think of the the words he'd my way when i was hurting... always so "soft and tender..." i think of the fun we made into a little fantasy world of our own. that's what made things so special he told me once. it's "our" fantasy and we can believe and believe all that we need to about eachother... sometimes i'd forget that and i'd get a little too wrapped up in him and... softly but tenderly he'd remind of the "reality" of it all.
i told jonathan lastnight that i miss him so much. just a "lick" or a "turtle ride" in a small little message from him would make all the difference... or maybe not. it might just fuel the fire even more and make it even harder. i've always, always felt like aaron knew exactly what he was about... what he was doing all the time. a sorta control without the control that i only wish i had. it was more like he had a good sense of himself. something that i just can't seem to get. i suppose right now he knows i'm missin him. his bestfriend was going to visit. he said he'd say hi for me..... ah, but i know he's got things under control and in order the way they need to be.
but still i cry........ i hate good-bye.
thursday, september 11, 2003
need i say it again...
it's September 11th
i'll never, ever get past september 11. i realize i'm not alone. i stepped into a friend of mine's history class a few days ago. he was showing actual footage of the inside of the 2nd tower and the firemen and lostness (is that a word) and confusion. i lasted a whole 3 minutes probably and had to walk out in tears. my heart actually aches for those people. the ones who made it and, of course, the ones who didn't and their families. again, i realize i'm not alone here either. it just made my problems seem so insignificant.
*Very Long Pause*
"Did You Ever Love Somebody"
Did you ever love somebody?
So much that the earth moved
Did you ever love somebody?
Even though it hurt to
Did you ever love somebody?
Nothing else your heart could do
jessica simpson did that song... or it hers or whatever. you know me by now. it's not a "jami entry" without some lyrics. i downloaded this song the other day and i can't stop listening to it. it's 5:15am right now. i've been awake since 4:00am. health problems. i would have just laid there and probably would be asleep by now. but i wanted to write an entry. when i sat down to write it i realized it was 9/11. i knew it was but it's still night time for me and it's still the 10th. ok, that doesn't make sense. but anyway. this is my entry. the song.... well i had some things to say about it - how it was so true for me. blah, blah, blah. but i sorta ran outta steam after i discovered that, yes, it's here again and it will be here every year at this time. i'll never forget seeing all the things i saw that day. maybe God wants it that way. nietzsche (a great philosopher) once said, "one must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to the dancing star." i guess that's where i'm going to leave you all right now.
tuesday, september 16, 2003
life is made up of false promises
and
you are going to be "aquainted" with
more idiots than people you like....
i hate to be cynical but the truth really sucks somedays. funny thing about it is that understanding and really believing in the two small topics above actually makes my sucky days seem a bit like regular ole days.
if you are going through hell, keep on going...
-- winston churchill
interesting quote. intersting man. heh. however, he's right. when you are going through hell or find yourself saying to yourself "this must be hell", he's right... you probably are and ya gotta just keep going on through. there is a light out there somewhere on down the path. i've seen it. and at once, mabye twice i've reached out and touched it... just for a very, very short moment. but it was encouraging... and now, there's this voice in the back of my mind somewhere (my own voice not some weird mental illness type voice - which isn't a bad thing...) anyway, i digress, there's this voice reminding me that it's there... and if it's there it's going to be there forever... i just know it... it's just waiting there for me (for us) to reach it for good. and someday it's going happen!
it's taken me a really long time to accept any of this. false promises? idiots and those i like? a way outta hell? in fact even at this very moment, i'm obviously not sure i even buy into most of it. *shakin my head* damn life is fucking difficult sometimes... but i'm gettin there... just haven't been able to give up yet.
the other day in school, one of my summer school kids came to talk to me and mentioned that his law teacher was an idiot. said he keeps gettin thrown out of the class. he told me, "ms. young, he's an idiot!" and, if ya knew Ade i like do, he meant it and believes it completely. all i had to offer the poor soul was that in his life he was going to be "aquainted" with more idiots than those that he actually liked. it's a fact of life i believe (do i really?). i just left it there with him. i don't think what i said made a bit of impact on Ade. *shrug* but i made my attempt. and, it was a damn honest one at that.
i ran across some pics of Turtle yesterday. it was a shock. someone told me to go check out a site... that there'd be stuff there that i'd like to see. i went. he was there. well, his pics were there.... still no him. i have to face that not only am i going to have to put up with more idiots than those i like in life but, the ones i do like.... that i really, really like... well, they'll fall outta my life just as quickly and easily as they slipped in. again, it's part of life. right? i really miss him. lots. so.... *shaking my head again* with all the quotin i'm doing tonight i thought maybe i'd leave ya with the one below.... turtle helped my soul blossom and i know he knows that.... for that, turtle, i thank you and i love you dearly. i hope you are happy and well - that's all i got!
ok, i'm done.... read the quote and think about it (those of you reading the entry LOL, not turtle) email me if ya have anything to say about it. my email is on the left column near the top of the page. i love emails! *hint, beg, hint* i honestly look forward to hearing from people... hearing and trying to understand a new/different point of view... and of course hearing that others think the same way i do makes things a little bit easier too sometimes. so, take care - talk soon.
let us be grateful to people who make us happy;
they are the charming gardners who make our souls blossom.
-- marcel proust
wednesday, september 17, 2003
love's bitch
"oh yeah, you're just friends.
that's right.
*pause*
you're not friends.
*pause*
you'll never be friends.
you'll be in love til it kills ya both.
*pause*
you'll fight...
and you'll shag...
and you'll hate each other until it makes you quiver.
but you'll never be friends.
*pause*
love isn't brains, children.
it's blood.
blood screaming inside you to work it's will.
*pause*
i may be love's bitch.
but, at least i'm man enough to admit it."
-- spike, buffy the vampire slayer, talking to buffy and angel.
ok. i admit it. i watched and still watch reruns of buffy. but it's because of spike and the things he says like what he says above about love. the guy is brilliant! he's an actor that i'll follow anywhere. he is just so damn real... yeah, such a "realness" to him. i don't know the guy in person - or, what he's really like in real life. but, that doesn't matter.
lately, my father has been writing articles for the local newspaper where he grew up - buchanan, mi (i hope i spelled that right, dad). recently he wrote one about the movie theater in town and the movies themselves and how watching them transformed each of them for a moment or two into the actors and their lives. they didn't care about what john wayne was really like in person. they cared about what his character did - day after day - show after show. the movies were their hope... their chance to get a glimpse of the "real world"... the glamorous life.
the article itself started with a bit about how he remembers telling my sister that "life ain't no rock n roll song". then it was as if remembering having told her that... he suddenly was reminded about how the little-bitty segregated movie theater was his "rock n roll song."
i think it's all still very true even today. maybe it's not a rock n roll song or a movie... maybe it's just a damn stupid tv show. but what does it matter if, just for a moment, it changes you or reminds you that, "yeah, yeah, that's right maybe i'm not so off balance after all... maybe love really is as thick as blood...." *shrug* who knows.
people wonder why i waste my time on shows like buffy or dawson's creek. after all i am well, well, well over 25. and 25 is pretty damn old to be viewing "crap" like that. but i watch it none-the-less. it's the fantasy allowed... it takes me away from my daily grind... and sometimes, if i'm lucky, it builds my confidence... it reaffirms what i believe in. now, i ask you... is that such a bad thing?
cheers.........
wednesday, october 1, 2003
what?
yes i know... it's october and i am still using august's page.... oh well. it's my party i get to do what i want!