Why Me, God?

a short story by Tony DeSimone

Ralph was not a nice guy. He was a jerk, a bully, a cheapskate, a cheater, a meany, and an all-around bad guy. In short, he was the meanest, ugliest, cruelest asshole that you could ever imagine.

He was the manager of a firm called Anonymous Small Business Inc. He fired people left and right, scared clients, and harassed his secretary

He once had a girlfriend, but she left him after finding out that he was having an affair with another woman: her mother.

But there's another thing you have to know about Ralph: he enjoyed being mean. Ever since his childhood, he enjoyed seeing the looks on people's faces after they were subjected to his cruelty, whether it was because of the pain of an excruciating wedgie or from the distraught of having their feelings hurt one too many times.

Even now, he loved to see the ruined faces of fired employees or the dejected faces of poor people that he would pretend to trip over just so he could hurt their legs. When he had been caught with his girlfriend's mother, he had uncontrollably burst out in laughter after seeing the embarrassed, ashamed, and disgusted looks on their faces. As you may have guessed, he loved seeing the looks on people's faces.

For a long time, he was happy with his life of devastating others. He enjoyed every day in which he was able to ruin someone else's.

The day hadn't started out too badly; he'd gotten up late and didn't have time to eat breakfast, but that was all. Then, he arrived at work.

"What?" said Ralph.

"I said, we're bankrupt."

Ralph couldn't believe his ears. However, his secretary could, "You've been slacking off. We haven't had a serious client for months and we can no longer pay our expenses."

"What do you mean by serious client?" he asked.

"We can't keep one," she replied, "You keep scaring them off with your attitude."

"What do you mean?"

"Mr. Pheend, our last client left because you called him a stupid prick that couldn't count to three."

"Well, he was!"

"It doesn't matter!" she yelled, " Look Mr. Pheend I can't keep working under these conditions. I'm leaving."

"But - "

"No buts Mr. Pheend," he was cut off, "And that includes mine. You can keep your hands to yourself from now on!"

Ralph was left speechless. He thought he had seen a faint smile on her face as she stormed out the door. However, he didn't think about it too long, for he was distracted by a strange feeling that he hadn't had before.

He was informed by the other employees (who had also quit) that the business would soon be shut down by the IRS.

When he came to the place where he had left his car, he realized that he had parked in the handicapped space for the last time; his car had been towed.

It was raining, but he still had to get home, so he started walking.

On the way there, one of the beggars (who was conveniently seated next to a big puddle) managed to actually trip him to the ground.

As he looked for his key, he noticed a small sheet of paper on the door just below the eye hole.

"What the hell is this?!" he yelled at the landlord.

"It's exactly what you think it is," he said "I've been getting complaints about you since you moved in. Your neighbors are tired of being insulted every time they meet you, and when asked by the people below you to keep quiet you responded by jumping on a pogo stick and yelling for an hour."

"Look, I can explain - "

"No more explaining!" again cut off, "I've heard enough explaining from you. Now leave before I call the police!"

As the landlord slammed the door in his face, Ralph felt the same strange, unknown feeling that he had felt before.

As he walked through the halls he could feel his neighbors looking through their eye holes and rejoicing over his departure. In fact, he thought he heard the faint sound of his next-door neighbor opening a bottle of champagne.

As he walked out of the building his pants caught on a loose screw that no one had ever gotten around to fixing and left him with a gaping hole that revealed the tightie whities underneath.

He had nowhere to go, so he just started walking aimlessly.

After walking for a while, Ralph began to worry. Aside from knowing that everyone behind him was getting a good laugh, he also had the feeling that he was being followed. However, there was too much on his mind to dwell on that subject, so he just ignored the feeling.

The next thing he knew he heard someone sneak up from behind him and felt something metal hit him on his head.

"Damn it!" he cried as he realized that since his lack of consciousness he had somehow traded his wallet for a headache and a sleeping space in the back of an alley.

With nothing else to do he slowly got back up and once again started walking aimlessly. Now it was not only raining, but thundering and lightning as well.

After an unknown amount of time spent walking he stopped by a store window with a brightly lit mirror.

He saw the face. The same embarrassed, painful, distraught, dejected, ashamed, and disgusted face that he had enjoyed seeing all his life. Only this time, it was his face.

With his eyes full of tears he dropped down to his knees into a conveniently placed puddle, and looked up at the sky. He stared at the dark rain clouds and flashes of lighting and yelled out despairingly, "WHY ME, GOD?!!!!"

With that the sky darkened even more and the clouds opened up. Then, from an unseen, yet seemingly invincible force, came a booming voice that yelled out over the world, "BECAUSE YOU GAVE ME A WEDGIE IN SIXTH GRADE. SO NYEAH!!!!"

This has been another annoying little cold sore on your upper lip brought to you by Tony DeSimone

Copyright 1999 by Bucket of @$#! Publications