writings

Writings On the Wall

a skit by Tony DeSimone

Characters

Bink Backerfattenackerpoots - a reporter

An Owl - he's not what he seems

Kokamantratarius - a mysterious being

Witness 1 - a southern hick (redneck)

Witness 2 - an airheaded cheerleader

Witness 3 - a very apprehensive girl

Witness 4 - a very noisy person

The curtain rises on a high school boy's bathroom. There are 3 or 4 wall toilets on SL and 2 closed stalls on SR.. A reporter is standing in the middle oi the room with a microphone in his hand. He starts off facing the audience.

Bink: (into microphone) Hello, this is Bink Backerfattenackerpoots (name should be said quickly) reporting live from the boy's bathroom of The Academy of Arts, Science and Technology. I am here to investigate the meanings of two mysterious writings on the bathroom wall. (reporter walks over to leftmost wall toilet) Such as this eerie message: (looks at wall, then suddenly turns to audience dramatically) The owls are not what they seem!

Witnesses 1 and 2 walk in from SR

Bink: And here to discuss this matter, are two blatant stereotypes. (turns to Witness 1) What have you to say of this message, sir?

Witness 1: (hick laugh) uhuhuhuhuhuh uhuh uhuhuhuheeeeehuh yeah uhuh! (laugh should last around 10 to 15 seconds at least)

Bink: Uh, I'm sorry sir, could you repeat that?

Witness 1: Uhuhu uhuh! Ah saw thuh tarnaduh comin' uh mahl away! Uhuh huh!

Bink: Uh, yes, well. (pauses, then quickly turns to witness 2) What do you have to say ma'am?

Witness 2: (jumping and waving pom poms) GO TEAM!! teehee (laugh to be as sickeningly cute as possible)

Bink: Okay, well thank you both very much.

Bink then pushes the two off stage (SR) as quickly as possible.

He then walks next to first toilet stall.

Bink: Believe it or not, people. I have managed to corner one of the owls in this stall. I am now going to attempt to communicate with it.. (to stall) Sir, are you in fact, one of the owls mentioned on the wall?

Owl: (in fairly decent imitation of an owl) whoo!

Bink: One of the owls.

Owl: whoo!

Bink: One of the owls.

Owl: whoo!

Bink: One of the owls.

Owl: whoo!

Bink: One of the owls.

Owl: whoo!

Bink: (becoming impatient) One of the owls!

Owl: whoo!

Bink: One of the owls!

Owl: whoo!

Bink: (furious) ONE OF THE OWLS!!!

Owl: whoo!

Bink: Oh, forget it! Next Question: are what you seem?

Owl: whoo!

Bink: you.

Owl: whoo!

Bink: you.

Owl: whoo!

Bink: you!

Owl: whoo!

Bink: you!

Owl: whoo!

Bink: AAAAAAAGH!!!! YOU DAMMIT!!!!

Owl: whoo boy!

Bink: If you are in fact, what you seem, then can we take a look at you?

Owl: whoo!

Bink: you.

Owl: whoo!

Bink: you!

Owl: whoo!

Bink: YOU!!!! CAN WE TAKE A LOOK AT YOU!!!!?

Owl: (in loud, growly voice) NO!

Bink: (sarcastically) Oh, really!!

Bink quickly opens the door to the stall. Inside is a school desk with a bowl of fruit (preferabely bananas) on top of it.

Owl: (in high pitched semi-girly scream) AAAH!!

Bink immediately closes the stall door after the scream. The opening, screaming, and closing should be executed very quickly so as to give the audience only the briefest look at the desk and fruit.. This is so the audience won't be too sure of what they saw.

Bink: (surprised and puzzled) Well, um, uh, on to our next writing! (walks over to right most wall toilet)

Bink: (reading from wall) Kokamantratarius was here! What could this mysterious script mean? Well, I have Kokamantratarius himself to inquire. (walks over to toilet stall on right and talks to it) Sir, are you in fact Kokamantratarius?

Koky: (slowly, deeply, and loudly. In attempt to sound creepy) I AM KOKAMANTRATARIUS!!!!!!

Bink: (pause) Yes, well, the wall says that you were here, when in fact, it seems that you are still here? Am I correct?

Koky: (pause) I AM KOKAMANTRATARIUS!!!!!!

Bink: That's nice. Can I call you Koky?

Koky: What?

Bink: Can I call you Koky?

Koky: Wh....No!

Bink: Why not?

Koky: Why not? I'm trying to be scary here.

Bink: So?

Koky: Well, no one's gonna be scared of someone named Koky.

Bink: Oh. (pause) Okay. (long pause) Some say that this message bears a resemblance to the common phrase "Kilroy was here", written on many walls during the 1930'3 and '40's. Are you in fact related to Kilroy?

Koky: I AM KOKAMANTRATARIUS!!!!!!

Bink: That's wonderful. Do you have anything else that you'd like to say?

Koky: (pause, as if in thought) I AM KOKAMANTRATARIUS!!!!!!

Bink turns to audience as Witnesses 3 and 4 enter from stage left

Bink: (to audience) Yes, well, we have 2 more people to question on this matter. (turns to Witness 3) Ma'am, what are your views on Koky?

Koky: Ahem!

Bink: I mean Kokamantratarius.

Witness 3: I don't even know who he is.

Bink: you don't?

Witness 3: No, I'm a girl. I haven't been in the boys' bathroom.

Bink: Oh.

Witness 3: Can I go now?

Bink: Um, yes.

Witness 3 walks of stage left.

Bink: (to Witness 4) Well, sir, what have you to - .

Witness 4: (abruptly interupting, and in Bink's face) AAAH!!!

Bink: (in shock) AAAH!!!

Bink falls down on stage as if fainted. Witness 4 looks around stage as if puzzled, then slowly walks off stage left..

Curtain falls

This has been another loose hangnail on your index finger brought to you by Tony DeSimone.