Abyss of the Self

12/31/99 "21st century digital boy"

As i close this journal, i look back upon my life and times as this millennium comes to an end. In this century, i've had the number "9" somewhere always on my calendar. But in less than seven hours (MST) the 21st century will arrive. On this last day of the year, last year of the decade, last decade of the century and last century of the millennium, we kiss goodbye the 1990's. Other countries are already there, no Y2K problems to be reported. Even though people stockpiled food, water, and guns like there would be no tomorrow (quite literally). So much to look back on this decade, i lost my virginity, graduated high school and then college. Made some good friends as well as lost some. I realized that i didn't have all the answers. That the future's still uncertain and that time waits for no one. This year was full of memories; movie previews and job applications. I went to a LOT of concerts and shook my idol's hand. I proved myself wrong and learned that only I can make me happy.
Still I, couldn't get a date. The more things change the more they stay the same.
well, if the rapture doesn't come or y2k doesn't kill my computer. i'll see you in 2000.
As always i want to thank the certain souls who've complemented and encouraged my writting. To those who visit my little page and make an attempt to understand it. Without you this WOULD NOT be here. All my Love, Me
HAPPY MILLENNIUM!!!

12/29/99 "...and i feel fine"

life is a bittersweet symphony, disappointments, death, mass suicides and bombings. left, right, center. anarchism. but i don't believe in "isms" of any kind, personally i don't think anyone should. people should believe in themselves. the corporate sponsored millennium parties are upon us. what party to go to, and can you get a date. my answer was no. and i don't know what i could do. my friends don't have dates either so they were thinking about going camping. CAMPING?!?!?! for the millennium? a bunch of drunk guys sitting around the campfire wishing they had a woman? NO THANK YOU. that's how guys turn gay. so maybe i'll go out to the block party, maybe become another suicide statistic or go looting! i haven't decided. people here are going crazy, the lines at the gas station are HUGE! shops are selling guns and ammo like they were going out of style. Tis scary.

12/27/99 "Guns & Ammo Coverboy"

Why is it i never run into anyone from my high school days? Yet somehow (be it at the Safeway, Best Buy or Fashion Square) i'm always bump into one person, Tom Happle. A guy who my neo-nazi friend Bill 'The Aryan Barbarian' Lee once called "an embarrassment to our Race." The same ugly motherfucker, Julie Preach calls 'Bucky' for his potruding front teeth. Wearing a faded Pantera t-shirt and facial hair borrowed from Yosamitee Sam. He tells me about his construction job and about his brother getting out of prison. All of this with the same kind of pride a hillbilly feels when he makes the cover of 'Guns & Ammo'. He is a leech, an anklebite, the kind of person that makes 10minutes seem like a half hour. The sort of individual you'd make up any excuse to get away from-yet he'd somehow miss the point. I must be cursed with a loser magnet.

12/25/99 "Overdose for Christmas"

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Remember the excitement of Christmas Eve? When you couldn't go to sleep because of the restless anticipation of the toys you would get. Then somehow things changed, you stopped believing in Santa, you got useful things like clothes. That sacred magic was lost.
Nevertheless, I was a good boy this year and therefore Santa was good to me. I got clothes from Banana Republic, two art books, a journal, a Rage Against the Machine CD and the movie 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off' from my sister and two more of my favorite, teensploitation/bratpack 80's movies: The Breakfast Club and 16 Candles. But NO TOYS.

12/21/99 "she offers me protection"

Isat there, at the Arizona Mills, expression on my face as time stood still. The shoppers froze as an almost Wonder Year-ish aside entered my head. (lights please) Today is the winter solstice. i can vividly remember six months ago waiting at SkyHarbor for Kim to get off the plane. Even more vivid is the memory of what we did after we came home from the airport. =)
Has it been half a year already? It seems like yesterday. Come to think of it, i was in LA two years ago today. time sure flies by, and the older you get the quicker it goes.

12/19/99 "urgency of now..."

time is running out. i feel this "urgency of now". now or never, no time like the present, and every other cliche. a sense of impending doom because i'm not:
a) good looking
b) stable enough
c) lucky enough
to get a date for new year's. damn, yet another cross to bear. love,
me

12/17/99 wisdom of the elders

finally, it's friday, it's christmas break. no work for two weeks. i bet the days will fly by but still. it means not putting up with the crap i get. anyway, today is my grandpa's birthday, 72 years old. wow-i'll be dead before then. or be wandering around like an old man in need of medication. one of the most important lessons i've ever got was from him. he told me: "it's better to ask forgiveness than to ask permission." the genius of those words live with me today. Happy Birthday Grandpa!

12/15/99 "just a rat in a cage"

like everyone, i'm toiling away like a hamster on a treadmill. trying to get my daily pellet of processed carrot. work stuns the arts, i guess that's why so many artists are jobless. when i didn't have this "responsible" adult-like job i could write. I have a little more money but less time to create. I need to get a cow to trade for some magic beans.

12/13/99 Fickle Fascinations

as my English friend, Lozzie, would say, today was "pants". Meaning it was rubbish (easy). a perfect, laid back kinda day. At work, i just filed and called teachers. in other words, i did nothing, not a DAMN thing. the teacher who i worked with had a party so a bunch of parents came in and brought food. so lunch was free. i saw my french/german teacher who i handn't seen in like 7 years. then i went to another school for about an hour, then chilled for like 30minutes and heard the new smashing pumpkins song. later i went to a meeting with my coworkers. so i did surprisinly little. not bad for a monday huh? i'm sure tomorrow will be hell though. ah the fickle fascination of an everlasting god.

12/8/99 "...that's a man, BABY!"

you know, the down side of work is that it takes your time away from more enjoyable activities. It does give you more money, but not the time to spend it. AT LEAST i get paid on friday. and get this: i'm parking at Desert Mountain HS, where i sometimes work at. A rather manish woman, security guard comes over and harrasses me, asking if i'm a student and were my ID is at. She gives me this Joan Collins 'tude. Huffin' and puffin' like she's a BIG SHOT, like she's a SOMEBODY, like she's Zsa zsa Gabor or something. Damn, glorified crossing guard.
well my fingers are orange from Cheeto-dust. and i'm having tuna turnovers for din-din. bye.

12/6/99 "as an old memory"

memories are dear to me. pictures, letters, trinkets anything that brings me back to the glory years. why i was just thinking earlier today that 3 years ago i saw the goddess Renee for the last time at the Psych building. ten minutes later I got into a car accident for being over joyed that she had actually said "hello" to me. It'll be 3 years ago tomorrow when saw the Smashing Pumpkins play at the America West Arena. There are also certain things that i can't look at. Yearbooks, and letters from certain people, if i do i know i will lose myself and what's left of my fragmented sanity. They would bring me as much joy as pain to retrace my life. So many things i could've/would've/should've done differently. It's hard to look at the past and not wonder what could've been. Regret is something that must be avoided at all costs. Life is too short for regret. Yet memories come back to sting like salt on an open wound. What does the future hold? a keleidoscope of promises each brighter and more colorful than the next, with no guarantees.

12/3/99 Darth MALL

X-mas shopping is one of those quasi-religious, greedfests that only come once a year. The malls packed with kids in line for Santa pictures. Shoppers with bebe/Guess?/Norstrom bags. poinsettia decorations, fake snow and plastic trees. FYI: Credit is a CANCER. Of course, Hallmark Holidays don't go by me unnoticed. I ask myself "self, what would Ricky Martin wear?" as i pick up a little sumptin', sumptin' from Banana Republic. So, what'd you get me?

12/1/99 Heavenly Nobodies

a friend of mine told me how wonderful it is to be in LOVE. i bet for her it is. that's one of those things that happen to other people but not me, like human combustion or winning the lottery. relationships no longer work for me. i can't fake that level of sincerity anymore. it's like picking up a book you've already read. you already know how the story is going to END.

11/29/99 Hippy Crack

Leaving little ghost-town remains like manifest destiny. Using a metaphor to descrive a metaphor to explain a metaphor. I drive at night, my headlights flashing the reflectors on the road as if following my own yellow-brick road to nowhere. I remember how saturday night felt. My head heavy from the whippets, or as david calls it, Hippy Crack. Can't deal with monday-reality right now.

11/25/99 sin of gluttony

what to say on this turkey day? i feel like a kid again. getting up at noon staying in my pajamas all day watching the holiday football games. mom's roasting a turkey, sis baking gingerbread people. more importantly no work. a month till x-mas, gotta send my cards out and do some shopping. oh i got my check, a lousy 988.37 dollars. they took like $300 in taxes! i have quite a bit of things to be thankful for this year. i met some cool people, got a better job, shook billy's hand, accepted some things in my life. gotta go eat now. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

11/24/99 Bueller? Bueller?

so for the first time ever, i called in sick to have a five day weekend. though i just got a call to inform me my paycheck is there. DAMN! now i have to look extra crappy for them to believe me. so what's the moral of the story? lie but don't get caught.

11/22/99 Scapegoat Festival

there comes a time when you've seen enough to know you've seen too much. no one asked you to run the gauntlet or wear the crown of thorns. you just got it by virtue. It's a feeling of entrapment, like being stuck in a swimming pool you can't get out of. Like a shark, you either keep swimming or drown in the disarray of fate. The epiphany slowly reveals itself:Life is just death in slow motion.

11/19/99 "i know a girl called Elsa"

a lady i work with asked me about my friends. i thought for a minute and i replied. the japanese have a word:wabi, it refers to a captivating work of art with a distinctive, beautiful flaw that embodies the idiosyncratic humanity of its creator. Wabi is rooted in the idea that perfection is imperfect. My friends are full of wabi. that's what makes them unique that's why they are my friends.

11/17/99 "To live & Die in LA"

"The comfort of a knowledge of a rise above the sky, could never parallel to the material acquisition in the here and now."
So stated Letters to Cleo on my drive home as i did what i do best, reminisce. It was a year ago today, that yours truly worked his first day at PARC Place. As i remember; a hellish 9 hour stint, much like today's 8 hour drone-like chore of entering scores into the database. There are no perfect jobs, unless you're millionaire playboy living on a yacht. Maybe a Movie/TV/Rock/Porno Star living in the City of Angels. Ahh, L.A. a city built on the illusions that flicker by the eyes of its dreamers.

11/15/99 all reality is virtual

"Drink from the reasons that hold you alive"
The worst day of the week is either sunday night or monday morning as the 'work' week looming in the horizon. You sit staring into the blackness of yet another cup of rancid coffee. The boring stares and fake smiles from even faker people. You want someone to hold to have someone to blame. You ask if this is the *real* world.

11/12/99 "wounds of desire"

I don't think you appreciate the greatness of a moment unless it's in hindsight. shamefully true as time deceives us, making the present seem everlasting and insignificant while coating the past with gold. the warmth of memories soothing my fractured ego. The rupture of feelings and thoughts make my eyes well with salty liquid. It slides down my cheek like melting ice cream. if flashbacks and flashforwards i relive each moment in slow motion. The laughs and whispers each coming to life as if awakened from a long sleep. Love's needs and abysses, extravagances and promises are what haunt and drive these feelings. In the beautiful fragments of terrible dreams you find something you never knew you wanted.

11/10/99 "shepherd to lost sheep..."

i'm getting tired of all the "hello, my name is..." and "nice to meet you's" that come from being the new guy. today i got my business cards, and i have to select my health insurance and dental plan. So many adult-type decisions for someone who needs a bib when they eat cereal. Now, it's time to use the internet the way lonely, sleep deprived truckes use their CB's. to reach other lonely losers! that's a big 10-4 good buddy!

11/8/99 art to choke hearts

being hurt at love is what seperates the man from the boys, the women from the girls, the enlightened from the blind. love takes no prisoners and knows no rules. a woman i work with who is nice but overweight met a man over the phone. they exchanged phone #'s, adresses, life stories, the works. everyday he would page her, call her, talk for hours. he went as far as buying a plane ticket to visit her for thanksgiving. then he asked for some pictures, she sent them. he got them over the weekend. hasn't called her since. you make your own moral to this story.

11/5/99 what time is it?

4:15pm, nov 11th.
oh for joy-friday is here!!! can there be a better day? i survived my first week of work. today i worked for 5 actual hours, stayed an extra one, didn't have lunch but got paid for 8 anyway. the seconds seemed like minutes, the minutes seemed like hours, my 8 hour headache is gone with the exederine of choice: the weekend. it also prevents me from obsessing about despair, loneliness and that which kills me a little each night. would you look at the time?-it's 4:20, or is my watch just always stopped there?
have a great weekend, don't do anything i wouldn't do. 'k???

11/3/99 Mr. Ghetto Fabulous

i had a good day today. that's not something i often say considering there may be repercussions. i read my book-The Portable Henry Rollins (on the clock mind you!) corrected my boss' spelling, then we had a meeting with the board of education. but first the 'free' perks, i got a pager-should my honey's feel the need to call. a $55.00 dayrunner(organizer) and a bag of school goodies: post-it notes, folders, disks, staples and such. in dec, i'll get business cards and an office with a G3 macintosh!!! so this job is lookin up-i wish i made more money, but as long as they throw free things at me-i'll stay. as always just onloading myself on these entries is my little sanity's saving grace.

11/1/99 Back to School

as you can see, i started my new job today. of course this was just a water down, welcome committee version but it wasn't too bad.
Becky and Kim are right, i do stress to much about things i don't have any control over. i'm trying not to though. still, like a nun in a wet t-shirt contest i don't even know what the hell i'm doing.

10/31/99 "...i got a rock"

Like Linus, I have waited for the Great Pumpkin to arrive. My luck, like Linus' has been less than respectful of my wishes. So another Halloween is here, and like another Peanuts character Charlie Brown, i'll get a rock this year. I'm teetering like Bambi on acid, don't know when i'll fall. on the verge of a new job, with women old enough to be my mother. ugh, it's gonna be hell. But right now, the thought of candy and kids dressed in bedsheets is making my teeth hurt. don't eat too much candy 'k?

10/28/99 Christmas List

Have i ever told you how much i hate X-mas music? I'm sure i have, i don't let grudges slip by unnoticed. It comes from working at Dept. stores, you can only listen to Frosty The Snowman so many times before thoughts turn homicidal. Malls can make any midly pleasant youthful memory turn sour-shoppers jumping around like epileptic grasshoppers, crimson&clover ornaments and fake Santa's take their toll. Yet i'll still miss it when my 'new' job starts this monday. With that pay, i might as well do it for free. Santa never brings me what i want!

10/26/99 Lunchlady land

Tomorrow is my 'orientation' for Scottsdale School District. I need my driver's license, social security card, immunization record, selective service notice and $27 my broke ass doesn't have for fingerprints. I'll work a school schedule, hours 7-3, holidays(religious and secular) off, X-mas break, Spring break and Summer Vacation. I'll be carded as a student in the high schools and mistaken for a parent in the gradeschools. I'll feel like an adult, yet like a kid again. I'll also get to eat yummy, yummy cafeteria food. Wait, i think that's the bad part.

10/24/99 Brownie Charles Thesis 2

ever been so close to something you can almost taste it? Like any time, life will smile upon you, and rays of sunshine will part the clouds. Turning everything into some kind of after school special? that's a whole new can of worms when it comes to me, that is best left sealed. such is my life. it's like charlie brown his football. He always thinks he's going to kick it, and in the end- lucy always pulls it away. Poor gullible Charlie Brown falls down and begins again. Thanks for listening to another overdose of self absorbtion.
love
aM

10/22/99 foundations of quicksand

"No one has reached the truth until a thousand people have called him a heretic"
Old Sufi saying
As I speed up Camelback Rd, I wonder why i do some of the things i do. I'm trying to reach the meaning of life, my own egotistical proof of being. There is something about decadence that i find alluring. Like a moth to a flame I seek it. Maybe it'll take a lifetime to find, maybe it doesn't even exist. I think the meaning of life could lead to its destruction. Jim Morrison searched for meaning, and found it. So while wanna-be's like me, make hard cyder out of the apples of Eden. Those like Lizard King, paid the ultimate prize for the truth, but he brought back some great stories.

10/20/99 "get a haircut AND a real job"

so i got a call back from my interview, the lady left a message telling me she was recommending me for the job. Which is a good thing (right?) but it's going to be so far away and doesn't pay shit, which is a bad thing. Someone, was thinking of this as a different type of job. But i suppose it's money, it's something to make me feel like an adult. Like I should be. Will I do a good job? will i be talking to myself like this? The throne of my ego will suffer as i will have to kiss serious ass just to get a raise. Reminds me of a sign i once saw: Beware of the feet you step on today for they could be attached to the ass you'll have to kiss tomorrow.

10/18/99 "no puppies in hell"

I finally had my job interview. For a half our I was drilled by five women (yeah, baby just the way i like it!) unfortunately they were all old enough to be my mother. Maybe I can get the job and become a full fleged adult. Well, fall is here, pretty soon the blue haired, incontinant, winnebago drivers will be here. Slowing down our traffic, leaving their turn signals on for miles. It's getting cold in the mornings. Arizona "cold"-which means 70's-80's. What can you say about a place where people learn to drive with two fingers? Where a good parking space is determined by shade not distance? When the summer will make you forget your fear of hell? Ahh, it's home.

10/15/99 "...and talking in your sleep"

I had a job interview but the person that was going to interview me never showed up. It might be changed to monday. Who cares, it doesn't matter cause it's friday and i finally got my car back last night. I'm also flat broke but at least i'm driving. no more getting rides from people or tiny rental cars without tinted glass. I'm so happy, I feel like dancing like molly ringwald in The Breakfast Club. Excuse me, i have to go freak on some bones now. On the weekends i like to get my groove on with two 9's: one for the perpetrators and the other for the bitches.

10/13/99 10� Lemonade

as the saying goes when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. take yesterday; if it wasn't enough that i'm without a car, i was on indian land. I was stopped (against my will) at the staple of poor taste, Walmart. It's when you are not on the driver's seat that the perspective changes. I saw handicap parking, pregnant women parking, and even senior citizen parking. And here i thought, everything was already designated white trash parking. i tell you, i've gotten so many lemons out of life, i should open a lemonade stand.

10/11/99 "are you gonna go my way?"

well, i'm without a car as the green meanie is in the shop for that pesky broken head/antifreeze in the engine thing. now i have to get a rental car, or be at the mercy of rides or worse yet Phoenix public transportation. Helpless, sorta like a kid again, which i'm not. it's like all my friends are grown up's and I still feel like a kid. I remember when my cousin Vanessa got married. My mom's sister, Auntie Christ, asking me when I was going to tie the not. Three years later, my cousin is my age and she's married with two kids! Meanwhile, i'm still playing video games and getting carded at R-rated movies. I do look/feel younger than my old age, 24. Hey, can i get a ride???

10/8/99 "on a last chance powerdrive"

someone once stated: "if you can't fix it with duct tape, that shit is broke."
so what do you do when your car decides it wants a tune-up or else use 3 cylinders? when you can't get a decent job, a date or a reason to live? you write about it hoping the ears of fate will listen maybe have a little simpathy. maybe buy yourself a fifth of happiness as you wonder if this is what it's like when doves cry. i tell you if heaven gives refunds on life I'll be the first one in line!

10/6/99 "far too young & clever"

I saw an enamel pillbox which read:eschew obfuscation
sadly, the people who need that advice don't know what either word means. Which isn't to say it's not valid, people should stay away from ignorance. But what maxims capture the essense of life? the journey is more important than the destination. I just want to stop eating Cup O'Noodles for one night. i guess there are plenty of us on that road, Fate's highway pointing to: career, marriage, mortage, family and eventually death. Hell, eschew that! Resignate from adulthood! Buy yourself a box of crayons, draw outside the lines and recall what it's like to be a kid again. yes, life's journey is a long walk begotten by the first step, i just hope i don't get lost along the way. but don't forget to stop at the rest areas.

10/4/99 "guess who?"

It all started four years ago, with a mysterious email reading "guess who?" If only i could go back to those days and fix it. To know then what i know now, i would have done so many things differently, but it's too late now. Now she moves like mercury in my memories. She; the slow motion bomb of my inner peace-yet i wouldn't have it any other way.
"A fever hit the land of a million angels and ageless souls destined to become the father's hands and the mother's touch that could never serve her needs...."

10/1/99 "shut up, I'm thinking..."

My uncle is visiting from Boston, actually Framingham, Mass. but since no one knows where that is, Boston is easier. A professor of jazz at the prestigious Berklee School of Music. The only one of my extended family i had respect. Unfortunately, he's been brainwashed by the fucking jew he married. He now disrespects christian beliefs (i don't necessarily follow but don't disrespect), the same the former altar boy grew up with. He told me a sob story of all the jews in the holocaust. I asked, can you hear the screams of the carrots? the shrilling howls of terror from the ears of corn? For you see, they scream aloud, 10,000 voices cry because tomorrow is harvest day. And for them this is the holocaust.

9/29/99 dreaming bliss

The weekend was filled with San Francisco/Phoenix connections to the extent that my subconscious was altered. First, on friday the Diamondbacks crushed the Giants for the NL West title. Then saturday ASU gets beaten by Cal, the Coyotes played the Sharks in a preseason game on sunday and the 49er's beat the Cardinals like circus monkeys on Monday night. Coincidentally that night I dreamt about 'you-know-who' and it was really nice, not that kind of a dream you perverts (get your mind out of the gutter!). But a soothing and surprisingly vivid dream. Sigh-i guess the difference between possession and obsession is who's doing what.

9/27/99 "in the boxes without topses"

yet another sign i'm human. I find the death of someone i know (shall i say knew?) shocking, While watching the news I saw the face of a woman i worked with at Neiman Marcus. She had died under "mysterious" circumstances (in other words, she OD'd on her drug of choice: cocaine). It's not to say i liked her much, she was an anorexic coke addict who was snobby and walked as if she breathed rarefied air. Still, two kids are without a mother. More than anything i feel sorry for them. And to think that five years ago that could've been me.

9/23/99 Hunters of the Serengetti

Clubbin' is one of those activities were you get to witness human interaction based solely on getting laid. The pomp and circumstance, the pretext and hidden agendas lie in a pool of hormones as deep as an ocean yet shallow as a frisby. Thursday night's Serengetti plain is Club Rio; as "Matador" by the Argentinian band Los Fabulosos Cadillacs swells the floor. The mating dances begin. He looks around, finds what he likes. She notices him, preps her hair-giggles with some girlfriends and makes like she doesn't see him. He ponders his chances, takes a drink for courage and approaches. "Hi, would you like to dance?" he says as sweat pours out of ever possible pore. Those 2 seconds between acceptance or rejection last forever. She coyly smiles, "Hi, sure". The dance begins, he smells her hair, apricot/peach. The dance is over, he asks if he can buy her a drink. "Sure" she counters, they head towards the bar. She orders a screwdriver, he orders a long island iced tea. "That'll be $10.50." "what the hell?" he thinks as he pulls out his last 20. and they begin to talk-the mating dance continues on the floor then back home. Tony the tiger ain't got nothin' on him.

9/21/99 "pimpin' like the K-I-D"

my throat is still sore and my skin is still burnt from saturday's 'That Damn Show!' I don't know who pissed in the Violent Femmes' Cherios that morning, since they played one song and left amidst a mountain of boo's, hisses and garbage directed towards them. Fenix TX made up by having girls flash their tits and playing punk rock versions of Duran Duran and Ricky Martin while the biggest mosh pit i ever seen swirled like Hurricane Floyd. Primus played the crowd as drizzle fell and Powerman5K started more moshpits. None of that compared the Kid Rock performance as he talked about bitches & ho's, Winston's and 4-0's. Dressed in his usual wife-beater and pimp hat. Straight out da trailer as classy as a Chuck Norris movie. On the last song the white pimp playes guitar, keyboard, drums and spins the dj turntable. The 32mile drive home was twarted by a huge car accident that closed two of the I-17's three lanes. Finally, however we made it home: good show-bad hangover.

9/15/99 "frozen painkillers..."

according to my astral chart, i "say things of substance, not mere chatter" and that i "should follow through on interest in psychology and travel" and have "a deep longing desire, not quickly or easily satisfied." hmm, very interesting in a pomp&circumstance sort of way. i've always said that it's more important to ask the questions than to have the answers. oh, my homemade prozac needs more ice cream.

9/15/99 Exegesis

Last night Cynthia complemented me on my page and stated how much she loved my Cats and Dogs essay. It's always nice to be complemented on the puissant of my writting. The perfectionist streak in me demands it, but i also find it interesting when people don't like it. It proves that i still have along way to go before writting the great american novel. That i'm just a person who likes to tell it like it is, no sugar coating involved. That in the end, i just want to create something that is uniquely personal yet universally public. Sometimes i need to be put in my place.

9/13/99 "don't know what you got"

woke up in a cold sweat, a terrible feeling of fear. The fear of the future, fear of life, fear of the past fading away. The fear that the path i was on for 20+ years is gone and i'm lost with nowhere to go and no one to turn to. the person i was in 95/96 is gone, and if i look back, i get angry and depressed. if i only knew then what i know now, and will i say the same thing in another three years? it's true what they say, you don't know what you got till it's gone.

9/9/99 "...like a record-round, round"

on this *special* day, it's finally done, after reminiscing of that wonderful decade:The 80's. i finished my essay on it (so go read it now!) And what better way to celebrate my accomplishment than by listening to the Wedding Singer soundtrack, putting on some adidas, gold chains and a kongolo hat, and realizing how lucky we all are to have lived through such an interesting decade. "memories, light the corners of my eyes..."

9/8/99 depths of shallowness

i am once again attempting to find meaning in the meaninglessness. i was up playing Final Fantasy VIII till the cows came home, i needed the jaws of life to pry open my eyes. tired and bored. maybe i should start a riot at my work's break room, arming myself with plastic forks, toothpick umbrellas and crazy straws to declare myself "king of the world!".

9/7/99 "if it smells like a duck..."

Today isn't monday. But it feels, tastes and smells like a monday. my bloodshot eyes glimpse at all of the world's mysteries bathed in neon light. I think i've fallen from grace with critical cognoscenti. Running from the maelstrom of everyday life without realizing that in a world of cookie cutter clones vapid as ice cubes, the eye of the storm is a deceptive place to hide.

9/3/99 "who will take my dreams away"

"that's what keeps me alive" i told her. "that's what keeps you alone" she replied.

after talking to Kim last night and reading the Griffin & Sabine trilogy i realize that no matter what, i'm going to die alone. old or young but definetely alone. a lot of people do that, and in a way i can accept it. i don't need people the way others do, i appreciate my friendships though. i mean-it's like what she said about me. "I don't need anyone" i stated "you don't, and that's what makes you, you." My joys come few and far between, the ephemeral nature of bliss escapes my grasp. maybe Marriane Faithful, Elliot Smith and Mazzy Star have gotten too deep inside of me.

9/1/99 "24 hours sharply"

To think that in four months, 1999 will only be a memory. have we taken advantage of it? has, (as adam calls it) the reality of reality hit us? where once we held our slacker breath in check only to emit the occasional "whatever". As the apathy club grows larger our importance grows weaker. to quote Ferris Bueller, "life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look you could miss it.

8/30/99 Desperately Seeking Fempyre

"if you ask me" i told ngoc, "angelina jolie is the perfect woman. She is hot, sexy, rich, openly bisexual and has an aura of darkness, danger and mystery about her. She is the brooding paradox of toughness and vulnerability with a hint of sadness-incredibly captivating." If i were to write a personal it would read like this:
Wanted: Vampyress, Daughter of Darkness. Must be sensual and seductive, thrive in shadows and know how to stir my inner chaos into an erotic charge that will propel me into ecstasies heretofore unknown. Experience with immortality helpful but not required. She must listen to alternative music. A Raven haired beauty with porcelain white skin, Rose Mcgowan(look alike) and saphire blue or grey eyes are prefered-but not important nor required), non-smoker, NO children. I'm looking for someone with a taste of danger and a mysterious aura about her. She must be eloquent in both spoken and written language. Writer/Poet preferred, ability to play musical instrument a HUGE plus. Are you *HER*? if so end my search and make yourself known. I'm a writer looking for a muse. I'm looking for *Her*.
or something like that.

8/27/99 "ever so, ever so satisfying"

last night i had a dream of driving to west in an antifreeze green convertible. the sun was shining as the wind oscillated my hair. i can only remember the sublime beauty and majesty of the windmills that snake along the hills of California's Altamont Pass. strange, it almost seemed real.

8-25-99 hell in a handbasket

i was parked outside the Civic library when it was pilfered. my naked antenna could not lie. i mean if those things were expensive and someone couldn't afford it. but those damn things are free or less than a buck. what kind of world are we living in when your Orange 76 antenna ball-y gets stolen? it didn't fall off, some lowlife took it. that which i used to find my car in crowded parking lots and to tell it apart from all the clones it has. STOLEN and in Scottsdale no less! So what kind of world are we living in when free stuff is stolen?

8-23-99 isolation in a crowd

roughly ten years ago i entered high school, not coinsidentally six years ago I was a freshman at ASU. Today is the first day of school for most universities and it always makes me wish i was back there. When things were easier and reality hadn't put it's filthy claws on me. when i had internet friends and mental stimuli. that was only two years and too many tears ago.

8-19-99 "singing Cathy's clown"

and it makes me reflect as i sit here yawning with my moth eaten purple Polo shirt, the light stings my eyes like lemon juice. it's 11:30am and i've been awake for 6 hours!, what the hell is wrong with that picture?
it's payday-don't you hate getting a paycheck and knowing that money is already spent? well that seems to be my situation as of late. even though i got an extra $150.00 yesterday after a new tire, car payments and what amounts to 'weekend entertainment' i'll roughly have 20 bucks to my name. it doesn't help that i've bought about twenty CD's the last month trying to replace my collection. broke is a way of life i'd thought i lose when i graduated college. now it just seems like i'm traveling without moving. gotta go, i'm so hungry i could eat at Arby's.

8-17-99 among kings and conquerors

Every morning my stupid, lowpaying, McJob posts a thought of the day. Basically it's nothing more than an inspiring quote by some inspiring man. To what means? to get us to work better? be fitter, happier and more productive. i suppose "the MAN" expects to get an honest days work out of us by showing the wisdom of people who never did the crap we do for a buck. isn't ironic
don't ya think
in other news my computer continues to piss me off. i haven't answered my email in about a week. but i still return my phone calls unlike other people (sound like anyone you know kim?)

8-15-99 he's eighteen

today is my brother's birthday. the saving grace of my family, the white sheep, the pride and joy. i'm not jealous -18 is a big year. and what kind of brotherly advice can i give him when he is academically smarter than i? i can only relate the stories of years gone by when life was sweet and he was a pop-sicle child. all those moments that will be lost and forgotten in time like tears in the rain.

8-12-99 Y2-me?

it's not even the millenium but my computer has decided it was time to quit. In only it's eighth month of existence DOS and Compaq (in an effort to get me to buy/repair a computer) have both decided to rebel against me. If i take it to some techs they will either slip the recovery disk thereby erasing all my irreplaceable programs or get me a new one-without the irreplaceable programs. well they can be replaced with a lot of money which mind you i do not have.
life has done it to me again

8-10-99 Stealin' sunshine

the summer days are winding down slowly as a sandcastle melts into the sea. It's been two years since i last registered at ASU. I miss it, especially now that Brittney Spears is supposed to be attending my alma matter. Now kids who have her in a class are getting actual notices of it stating things like: "treat her fairly", "act normally." etc. personally i think miss spears should hook up with the fresh prince of mill ave. but that's just my opinion.

8-08-99 Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

As a public service, I decided to put my psychology degree to good use by creating a psychiatric hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive... please press 1 repeatedly
If you are co-dependent...
please ask someone to press 2
If you have multiple personalities...
press 3,4,5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional...
we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line and we'll trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic...
listen carefully and a little voice inside
your head will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive...
it doesn't matter which number you press.
No one will answer.

8-06-99 what are the odds?

"Did you go to Duke?" the girl behind the concession at the Harkins Theater asks, staring at the Duke Universityembroidery on my t-shirt. "No" i reply "my brother went there and he got me this shirt." "Oh, she stated, i went to NC State-a nearby school."
and all i could think about was that this girl went to college and now is working at the movie theater? working alongside high schoolers and incontinent old people? It's like the people at Duke and NC say: If you want a high school education, go to state. I can't, I won't end up like her. i have to go buy lottery tickets now.

8-04-99 "alcoholic kinda mood"

For some reason (probably false TV advertisement) i thought my twenties were going to be a living beer-commercial. beautiful women, parties 24/7, oceans of alcohol. sadly, that was just a dream. I finding out that no matter what things were always better when i was younger. when life was simple, when you didn't have to worry about bills, 401k's, or even Y2K.
i remember being 4 and dreaming about what it would be like to live on sesame street, where even the people whoe lived dumpsters were cool. remember when you were 6 and a half? trying as hard as you could to grow up? for what? THIS?. damn TV-inflated ideals!!!

8-02-99 august and everything after

no-i'm not a counting crows fan, i just like that title. anyway-i think i suffer from the Cassandra Complex. She was a woman bestowed with the knowledge of the future. yet condemend for no one to believe her. I think some of the things i say have gotten me into a lot of trouble. with believers and non-believers alike. i should keep my mouth shut.
in her own everlasting and precocious dreams She said "your words always enter like myst, and then depart as if the context had only been a far-gone tale. flickers. years from now, your memories will turn into my dreams, with me wondering from which they came...i may not remember. your love is warmed, and She who had Always let you be. does promise you again."

7-30-99 sometimes always

AS i sit here trying to get drunk by eating Brach's Butter Rum candy, i ravel in the mysteries of life. Ok, you don't have to listen to me, but the need to rant is upon me, and i must heed its call.
Sometimes life just seems jejune (look it up). Like it's going nowhere but unraveling before me like yarn on a kitten's paw. Relationships don't last, you have not time or money to do or get what you want. And if somehow you do get something you want-life has a way of automatically making you lust after something you can't have.
Always just out of reach of happiness. Today's thought: Dream to scheme about how to instigate the beginning of the end of what you love to hate.

7-28-99 und keine eier!

Truth is a funny thing. Most people want to know the truth but few are actually willing to face it? Truth is ugly, the truth hurts, the truth 'is out there'
The real question? how many want the *real* truth? As i discussed this with Adam Sunday night, we realized that many talk but few say anything. Most of the people i know appreciate the truth, whether beautiful or ugly-they seek honesty. Others walk around with rose colored glasses thinking they live along side Opie in Mayberry (where gays, jews, minorites and other 'undesirables' never reach town limits). These people think that (insert tragic even here) will never happen to them. Death, AIDS, Car Accidents that only happens to 'them'. Ignorance is bliss, i suppose.

7-26-99 "funny how time flies"

ten years ago today, i was present at my cousin's birth. skip ahead ten years later and there he was along with my other little troll cousins annoying me. touching everthing with their sticky, dirty, boogery hands. my N64 soiled with the fat little hands of those monkey children.
Kids exasperate me.
with their tantrums, their 'want everything/get everything' cries and their parent's idea of giving them all they want. I makes me want to strangle them and tell them to save all that drama for their mamma. This is exactly why i am never having kids!!!

7-20-99 swimming pools but no movie stars

5:29pm
as i sit here $40.00 poorer, listening to my new 'used' CD's. Tool and Depeche Mode fill the room. On a daily basis i realize that i am now too old to try out for MTV's the Real World. my full effulgence and grandiloquence will never be displayed on basic cable reruns.
life's a bitch ain't it?

7-18-99 "...like dead china doll"

What are you going to do with your life?
this is a question i get asked on a weekly basis the answer always springs forth:i don't know
the sad thing is that i'm not lying, i see all these people around me with some sort of idea, some grasp of the future and i'm drawing a blank. starring into space for divine inspiration or just words of wisdom. a *real* job and a *real* life, not like the 'fake' job and life that i have now. yet, it's hard to prove to other's you're a "grown up" when you're nursing your cold by popping Flinstone chewables from a Bobba Fett Pez dispenser.

7-15-99 McDonald's or Homemade?

6:58am
i saw american pie yesterday, and it reminded me of high school. a certain kind of yesteryear innocence. that tunnel-vision quest for pussy that every teenage boy experiences. of trying to get laid when you didn't even have a car.
anyway, it's raining right now. as the deluge creeps up on my porch i realize that the streets of phoenix were not designed for rain. i'm driving through gravel covered lakes out there when i should be home, playing video games and eating brownies, or watching tv or better yet doing someone. just like warm apple pie
the pitter-patter of raindrops outside turns me on. It's raining outside and i feel like having sex.

7-13-99 "like the naked leads the blind"

Oscar Wilde once stated, "Only shallow people know themselves". I couldn't agree with him more. Like the blind leading the blind.
Someone asked me a question concerning one of my journal entries. Asking why i wrote what i wrote. I answered "i don't know-it's what i felt at that time" they were shocked, as if i'm supposed to know every single thing i do/fee/write. sometimes i'm as lost as the next person. everything is objective. everything.
stare into space to see within yourself. this room is dense with the unholy stench of pure genious.
Meaningless lost souls, hidden behind the clouds, darkeyes tell all the followers they are now in control. pain is my muse. as always i'm blessed with the gift of agony, pain and sorrow.

7-11-99 drunk on Nyquil

my hacking cough is making my abs hurt. my throat aches as i expell germs from my system like a smoker pukes up a lung. my mosquito bites bleed little streams of blood like gin blossoms.
other than that, i'm good. I scanned some good pic's which i will be adding to my friends section sometime today. i'm trying to switch URL adresses cause my former home won't let me in. i feel light headed cause i've been drinking Nyquil like a teenager without a fake ID. damn.

7-09-99 "...in a sea of distress"

somewhere along the way, someone or something broke me. i grew up broken, and have always believed at a very fundamental level that I would remain broken for the rest of my life. I could learn to compensate for that weakness, and in many ways I have-- but I never aspired to wholeness, because it seemed that the opportunity for true healing had long since passed, like a bone never properly set. Instead I sought symbiosis
you compensate for my deficits, and I'll compensate for yours, and together we might make something whole.
still, it's easier said than done...

7-07-99 "riders on the storm"

the monsoon has started and with it all those other monsoon-y things like frizzy hair, humidity and bad traffic. which brings me to last night.
ever been to one of those concerts where everyone wants to dance yet no one knows how? that was the situation last night at the Dave Matthews concert. annoying people with flailing arms and sweaty shirts moving like chickens with their heads cut off around the aisles. Dave's own chuck berry-in-a-seizure guitar dance didn't help matters any. it took my brother an hour and a half to reach desert sky pavillion even though it's twenty miles away. we got to our seats at 8:08pm, Dave Matthews began the show at 8:15pm. The tape my brother was going to bootleg got eaten by the recorder. Not a good night.
and now i'm back to phone tag with kim.

7-3/4/5-99 "blondie was with me for a summer"

the following is an excerpt of the fourth of july weekend, according to my experience of events, my opinions and point of view and to the best of my drunken recollection.

July 3rd, 1999, 7:00pm
we exit arcadia 8 after watching South Park. as usual we make our way to adam's to revel in his hospitality. anthony shows up wearing funky-ass, polyester disco pants. we all manage to go to a bar.
July 4th, 1999. 12:15am
we celebrated our nation's independence at the stroke of midnight, amidst a haze of smoke, pitchers of draft beer and good friends. Dodging cue sticks and taking pictures, we talked as the music blared everything from the misfits to the doors in a seedy, trashy bar called the ligouri lounge. amidst the smoke and not-so-cheap, cheap beer, my friends and i talked and took pictures. we left around 1:00am and headed to safeway for more beer and back to adam's. We stayed for an hour afterwards we went for a swim, drank more beer, took pictures and watch porn till 3:30am. the swim is short as the hot arizona night chills us and our dancing pink elephants to the bone when we leave the pool. adam and anthony leave but not before feeling my "sexy boy" red, velour boxers. after a drunken quickie, kim and i take some pictures by the pool. unbeknownst to us that someone watched late nights and late talks, tired but oh so happy to be alive.
i awaken to find myself seven hours into the future. hungover, bleary eyed and cotton mouthed, i shower but feel less-than Zestfully clean. after an hour of orgasm-less sex(for me anyway) i leave for work. wwe drive up to tempe one last time to trade CD's for newer ones and savor in the expensive offerings of cold stone creamery. as we walk to the car we get called an "overly attractive couple" by Tempe's resident homeless-guy, dennis the bum. He asks for a buck, i give him fifty cents -for karmatic reasons only (take it or leave it, bitch, this ain't welfare). we drive back to phoenix and i take a shower, we visit adam's but he's gone to the party anthony talked about last night. we say our goodbye's to shawn, and becky. we make our journey back to "the ghetto." kim's dad calls right as we're about to, well you know. another call comes in, it's mr.lane telling us of this party he's at. we catch up to adam, jerrett and anthony at this guy frank's house. everyone seems either drunk or dead, after half an hour we make our way back. on our way out, we meet becky, kerry and fuzzy at the door. we talk, and a pass around a clove.
July 5th, 1999
the alarm rings at 5:00am. i drive kim to the airport, we say our "goodbye's" and she boards the plane. i return to my room, watch "our" videos. seeing david, dylan, jerrett, anthony, and finally kim brought back a lot of fond memories. indeed the events of the past two weeks are almost surreal in their inception, experience and finish.

7-02-99 "coffee black and egg white"

after an almost good week, living off of wine coolers, fast food hamburgers, five hours of sleep, late night pillow talks and of course sex, things have taken a drastic turn.
the madness, rage, loss of self and the disrespect of personal property fill my head. my car, ravaged, robbed of its innocence. my possesions stolen by some goddamn thug who took CD's of music he didn't listen to and broke into my home-away-from-home. i miss my CD's like an alcoholic aches for a beer. i'm putting the biggest baddest mojo on his convict ass. you can run but you can't hide motherfucker!

6-29-99 "happy lovers ache for hours..."

tired from lack of sleep, with hellacious hickies as proud badges of my endeavors. i'm going to miss her, i'm really going to miss what we do that keeps the neighbors up at night. the days are long and hot. meaningless lost souls , hidden behind the clouds, dark eyes tell all the followers they are all in control. well i'm gibbering like an auctioneer with a bad bladder, so talk to you later.

6-27-99 where's my pacifier?

after eating strips of chicken carcass and greasy fries, doing some kind, drinking and smokin' some more. fuzzy, adam, david,cam, amos, jerrett, anthony, sean, kim, and i attended a rave with the help of counterfeit tickets and twenty miles of freeway. our convoy arrived at 11:30pm and the guys got more-than-a-little close with some big-ass bouncer to make it to the floor. lasers and fog, breakdancers and glowsticks, thumping floor and speakers a moving sea of flesh. kids in surgical masks and baggy pants parlayed their skills on the floor. almost surrealistic in atmosphere, we combined the love of drugs with the cartharsism of music and dancing. i started to think the laser was sending me subliminal messages, like my collection of Star Wars PEZ dispencers. maybe it was just the Red Bull(ravers drink of choice), the drugs or the heart shaped cloud above adam's "bachelor pad" which made that night almost surrealistic. almost like high school.

6-23-99 "...sad man grin"

it's about time!
finally after 2 years, 6 months and 20 days, i finally got some well not exactly the first time but the other time i got to finish.
still there's a lot that has to happen before i can be "happy" with my life and my situation. i don't have a *real* job, father is still the same asshole he's always been. i'm using gas like there's no tomorrow and when she leaves it'll be back to Kleenex and sore wrists. better enjoy it while i can.

6-21-99 Solstice 99

the longest day of the year is here and with it come several pleasant but expensive surprises. so far i've done my part now she needs to do hers. how is it going to be? good? bad? slow? quick? but at least *it* will be. still ever wondering, trying to find a deeper meaning, in this quick-fix, one-hour photo, instant-oatmeal world.
part panic attack, part fulfillment. Castrating the black sheep of oblivion to sow a sweater for my sanity.

6-18-99 T - 3days, 4 hours and 15 min

sitting in my flannel joe boxers front of my computer reminiscing about the past week. i saw adam and that night my car broke down. i got it fixed (-$160.00)and talked to kim on monday. i talked to her on wednesday also and she's bringing the cosmo mag with her. yesterday i got $75 bucks yesterday for finding a $750 gold necklace. i thought about keeping it but i'd look like a pimp with a Mr.T starter-set (+$75.00), the money was quickly spent on 'necessities' for kim's visit. also on thursday my sister left to, as she puts it "pay homage to the benefactor". This morning my brother left to NC at 5 in the morning to visit his beloved Duke University. and now friday is here, and this weekend i'm actually looking forward to monday. still gotta pack and wash my car.

6-16-99 where's the construction guy?

with roughly 6billion people on this planet, right now, somebody, somewhere is having sex. man do i wish i was that person, well hopefully by monday, if everything goes according to plan, i will.
so, last night i watching MTV's Real World 7 and i think it's time they pull the plug. everyone is so camera conscious that there is no real anything, it's just staged. you got the token black guy, the bisexual foster child, the gay guy, some big titted chick and three boring white people. all whinning like two year old's in need of diaper changes. basically the village people without the YMCA.

6-14-99 gummy bears are chasing me

my lips, chapped from the salt in my own sweat. My eyes, sore, my body aches and it's only monday. The green meanie is in the $hop for repairs.
I hung out with Adam on saturday. It was good to see him and he liked the *old school* Atari system i gave him, especially the remote control controllers. i still haven't gotten a hold of kim yet and it's only a week until she comes. I did try to hook up her special request which i may get today, from a guy who looks like Jonathon Davis of Korn. but i guess we won't be going to the Grand Canyon.

A,B,C,D, LSD gummy bears are chasing me
one is red, one is green, one is nice, one is mean,
A,B,C,D, LSD next time won't you trip with me

6-11-99 tag, you're it

so, i'm playing phone-tag with Kim with a week and three days to go before the moment (groovy, baby, very groovy).
excitation and fright swiftly spinning, painfully shifting on wet wasted candy memories of cold days in the sun. i found a place without the girl. Plan B is officially in effect since Plan A wasn't affordable. hoping for the best with crossed fingers and strawberry wishes. Swimming in a craving that has seeped into every cell of my body longer than care to remember.

6-09-99 Sleeping with the enemy

well, maybe just flirting
yesterday mr.postman brought me a letter from the dark side of the force, aka the UofA. The letter was regarding an employment opportunity. Who knows, i may end up working for them. it could have been worse, it could've been a community college. i need a job and i'll take one even from them knock on wood.

6-07-99 G's w/40's,Chicks w/beepers

Ever feel like a spelling-bee contestant in China?
like no matter what you attempt, there seems to be no way out? there's no right answer because you can't even understand the question. You end up like a dog chasing its tail running round in circles trying to figure out why you can never catch your tail.
that's what apartment hunting is like, which reminds me, i gotta make some calls.

6-03-99 Surviving Courtney-land

Last night i saw Hole, not just because i'm three degrees of difference away from ms.love but because i like her music and because she can piss people off like only a rockstar can. Courtney-land is a place where people say "fuck" a lot. When Mellissa ask "what is it about the desert that makes you want to rock?" Courtney asked "What is it about the desert that makes you want to fuck?". In Courtney-land, body surfing is de rigueur. My body aches and its bruises are a sign of standing next to the stage while three thousand fuckers body-surfed, tugged and shoved during their extremely short one hour set. Courtney wore a wife-beater, the words "Desert Storm" were Sharpied on it. I think i made eye contact with the Diva herself. We stood in front of melissa, (she's a hottie) playing her silver sparkled Fender P-bass. During "Dying" glitter fell from the rafters, but it felt more like shards of broken X-mas ornaments. And i still have them inside my boots. i'm tired and aching and i have to look for a new place to live now.
feeling old at 24 and preparing to leap head first into the unknown abyss of the soul to scavange for beautiful truths wherever i can find them.

6-01-99 "hella cool"

Half a year is already gone Time move fast and in six months a "new"era will arrive. In six months, a new century and a millenium will be upon us. As we stand in the streets waiting to kiss our dates staring into dick clark's ageless face we await Y2k to come crashing upon the wall of civilization like the Kool-aid Man screaming "yeah!" So what awaits? Mad Max-ish waste lands? or bubble cities with flying cars? maybe just a bad hangover.

5-31-99 a voodoo woman named phyllis...

i've been awake for 5 hours on this blistering memorial day. Thinking of moving down to new orleans, picking up my six string and playing in some blues club and playing "bad, bad leroy brown". My arm is killing me from walking the reincarnation of Hitler's dog aka echo yesterday. today i traded for a pumpkins video from the 12/6/96 show. Marci a girl i met online who was nice enough to meet me at Fashion Square and provide a copy of the cover and the audio tapes for the show. Overall, a good day.

5-28-99 kill your liver

memorial day weekend:
a weekend of debauchery and drinking, kinda like college. after drinking enough to feel beautiful (which is quite a bit) i'd often slip and fall outside a bar after last call. I would wake up with bruises on my arm and welts on my hands. Always a gentleman if i would do a precautionary vomit i was with a girl just to avoid ugly incidents when i took her home. Who says chilvalry is dead???

5-26-99 "...as charlie sleeps"

"i'll stop the world and melt with you..." London, England:
Besides Simons', Liams', Nigels' and bad teeth. Besides great music and horrible food. Besides wankers, snogging, shagging and bollocks. The British have a thing called Rememberance Day. On that paticular day at 11:00am all machines stop, the streets get quiet and the people stop what they're doing. The whole country shuts it's eyes and for one minute their world stops in silence for the dearly departed.

Just something to think about

5-24-99 missing the comfort of being sad

Living in valley of the sun-stroke i sometimes wonder if the heat has turned my milk of human kindness into yogurt. remembering bits of my younger days everytime on of my friends gets another year closer to their last. I remember us sitting on our bikes across the canal from my house ten years ago discussing what kind of car the girls in our school would lose their virginity in. "A camaro, a cavalier (adam's dad's car), a volvo, a garbage truck!"
Discussing videos, i came up with the list of the best music videos ever made.

"Smack My Bitch up"-Prodigy UK
"Street Spirit (Fade out)"-Radiohead UK
"Matador"-Los Fabulosos Cadillacs Argentina
"Sadeness [p.1]"-Enigma Belgium
"November Rain"-Guns n' Roses USA

we've had some good times even though we never completed our senior year mission.

Happy Birthday Adam, wherever you are.

5-20-99 "soft spoken with a broken jaw..."

after hours of standing, waiting in a line that snaked around the theater, and getting pre-mature skin cancer I finally saw the new Star Wars movie, The Phantom Menace last night. The little kid inside of this cynic yearned as the lights went out, the screams and applauses poured as the words on the screen came up:
a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
Was it a good movie? Yes, Will i go watch it again? this saturday at 1:30pm.
Maybe it's nostalgia, maybe at my "age" i'm just hoping to relive my childhood within two hours and 15 minutes. Star Wars has remained an american cultural icon, a forceful-if nerdy-piece of everyone who was born in the last thirty years. The kind of universe that everyone wants to live in. Everything is subjective though, i'm just glad i was along for the ride.

5-18-99 756,864,000 seconds

Hopeful and hopeless, another year passes. Like the seasons of the 8,765 days i've been alive, time has changed me. Where have all the flowers gone? The free floating bits of dream logic enter my mind as i try to describe awaking into the body of a 24 year old. At 24 you're old enough to know you are not going to be a rock star when you "grow up." Old enough to know the future ahead yet young enough to fear it.
I still haven't found *happiness* I mean i'm better than i was last summer, and definetely better than i was the summer before that, but i'm lacking genuine happiness. I'm not talking about love or even money. I'm talking about dreams. This was not how i envisioned 24 to be. I was supposed to be famous at something, i was supposed to be happy with who i was, happy with what i've accomplished. I've squandered my life away and i could waste a thousand years. ("wrapped in sorrow words are token, come inside and catch my tears...")
My family and friends have made my life interesting, and i'm so very thankful for them. Their words fill my heart and my thought as the realization of getting older sets in.
I believe it was those artic poets ABBA who said:

"No more carefree laughter, silence ever after."

5-14-99 "Woke up in New York City..."

Last night Ngoc got her Master's degree. Today is graduation day at ASU. I can't believe it has been a year to the date I left my alma matter. Actually what i can't believe is that i haven't found a decent job or even sincere happiness since then. Though i did get tickets to Star Warsand a sunburn to boot, standing in line under 100 degree weather with guys who hadn't had *it* even longer than me-but i digress. It's been a long day and it's only 1:00pm.
The other though in my mind is that my sister's lust with Ricky Martin and his vida loca rivals that of my lust for Britney Spears. Of course neither one of us will ever get either of them (though my britney did register at ASU recently). Such is life. To top that off, according to TLC I qualify as a "scrub." (can you hear the collective sigh?)

5-12-99 #1 Crush

I'm a child of the 80's, actually I'm a product of 1980's pop culture. I was addicted to atari, played with my Rubic's cube and watched Duke's of Hazzard(religiously),Knight Rider, Miami Vice as well as Diff'rent Strokes. My first crush (after Daisy of course)was actually Dana Plato, who played Kimberly on the show. Yesterday I found out she died from an overdose on saturday.
Willis is in jail, Arnold gets arrested for hitting some woman and now this. What the hell did Mr.Drummond teach those kids anyway?

5-10-99 "elephant with a laughing cough"

After a hearty bowl of the $60.00 Mother's Day paella. I drove to The Gap. One of the workers there was a girl i hadn't seen since high school. At least i think it was her. She looks like, Natallie, you know, the fat one from Facts of Life. It had to be her, the same smile but the pants were the give-away. She was wearing jean (Gap ones no doubt) so tight, it gave her a walrus crotch. She giggled like only a fat girl can giggle. Haunted by that sight, i quickly exited the store.
I thought of all the people in my graduation class. All of the "most-likely to's". Did we become what we were said we would be? Did the egg hatch a cygnet? a chicken? an alligator?
Famous? Infamous? or still trying to be heard?

5-07-99 "One baby to another..."

So many things can happen in one year. So to close out Memory Week, I decided I would surmise what has happened to me in one year. Let's see I:

Lost three friends
Met Kim (one year ago today)
Graduated from college
Had my car stolen by pigs and bought a new one
Quit two jobs
Attended four sneak previews
Went to three concerts
shook Billy Corgan's hand

Pretty interesting so far, happy and sad at times, in other words:Life
This morning I awoke to find myself in a greater place of unknown insanity and uncertainty. I don't know where the next year will take me. I'm still looking for that pot o'gold at the end of the rainbow. I still crave rip-roaring, scream scratching, sweaty, frothy, tug on the bedsheets, bite the pillow, illegal-in-fortynine-states, SEX!
Well there's always 2000, give me a call darlin'. =)

5-05-99 "fever for the flava"

Dylan turning twenty-five was a big occasion for me. It means dealing with the fact that none of us are little kids anymore. Half of my friends are married, divorced or on their way there. Jessica, has two kids!
Yet I remember the simpler times, around 1986-87 when Dylan and I used to walk around Tavan non-participating during Field Day. He was a new kid in school, I sorta felt sorry for him. We would use our science books as skateboards to do hand plants while middle age women took picture. They probably didn't get out of the house much watching us in amazement while we listened to Agent Orange, D.R.I.and Corrosion of Comformity I remember riding in my parent's Ford sinking in my seat sheer embarrassment when the speakers blared: "Boom, boom, boom-let's go back to my room, So we can do it all night and you can make me feel right!"(repeat)
Simpler times when simple things mattered. No complaints because life was good, life was fun. No need to bitch about not getting laid, not having any money, about paying rent and car. Sigh.

5-03-99 "the rapture and the rabbit"

Oct. 31st, 1980.
When I was five years old I dressed as a chicken for the Halloween party my kindergarten was having. Wearing these god-awful papier-mache "wings" my father made along with the tights my grandmother dyed yellow. For all intents and purposes I looked like the love child of Big Bird and a midget. I remember that day not just for the embarrassment but mainly because I got the Yoda Star Wars figure.
Almost 19 years later, I indulged my bobbafetish by buying Star Wars toys-again. Feeling like a kid again as I browsed through the toy section at Target buying Darth Maul, Anakin Skywalker and weird little Gasgano.
In a way, i realize that you can become a kid again if only for a brief amount of time. The adult size shock only came when i realized that these "toys" had gone up to $8.00 each, contrasting my memories of them being only half that price. I still don't want to "grow up" (mature yes, grow up-NO!). I don't want to lose that part of me that is a Toys R' Us kid.

4-28-99 " To the sounds of cricket bows..."

Today's word of the day is:Obfuscation
That's my general and overwhelming feeling because life makes my little head hurt with all it's questions.
Feeling awake but more like burnt toast than actually alive. A pig in zen? no-just alive enough to know i'm not dead. questions permeate my mind and take away my sleep:
Could you believe in heaven if hell is all you knew?
I've been asking all my friends that but they don't know the answer either.
Why do people ask how you are doing if they don't really want to know?
And can someone please tell me why David Arquette has a carreer?
sorry to keep you awake

4-30-99 Dies Irae

Sitting here, eating cold chicken and avocado. Thinking about the metaphors in every day life. I drove around my neighborhood and i here comes this little kid; dirty blonde hair, wearing osh-kosh begoshes, pulling a wagon with a puppy on it. A handwritten sign reads:
Brownie, the world's greatest dog!
It makes me grin like an idiot. This kid wants to show the world his great puppy. My heart breaks because if i've learned anything at all is that it's risky to show others what you truly, deeply love. The world is cruel and will come down like a vulture to look at what you love, put a price on it and undermine it.
Of course your friends don't necessarily help at times. Ngoc says i let her down, that i'm not helping her? I'm writting half of her grad school paper and she's plagarizing the rest. When was the last time she did anything for me?
Things were so much easier when *we* were young. Love was only a puppy away.

4-26-99 Meaningful Meaninglessness

To work for The Man in a monolithic chrome building and get 23k a year for it. I don't want to "sell out", actually I want to "buy in." But have I sacrificed my dream for this?
I still haven't found that place that I dreamt as a high schooler. I want to find a place where Bohemian dreams still burn vividly. A place brooding with dark romanticsm where beautiful, dark poets stay up all night inventing ways to shock the masses into oblivion. Talking candidly about things they can't always follow but ache to fathom. Where Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison and Leonard Cohen are reveered. Where outsiders are the chosen ones.
That's the kind of place Adam and I had in mind as we listened to Kiss Off by The Violent Femmes on the way to Paradise Valley Mall. The landscape flickering by me like so many train movies as we talked about, sex, death and God's great silence. We were trying to score with chicks, who wouldn't give us the time of day-and still don't.

PS:Happy Birthday Echo

4-23-99 The point of No Return

They're doing it to me again.
The one's who make me get up early on saturday's and pay a lot of money.
Concert Tickets
Tomorrow the Hole concert's go on sale for their show June 2. Damn, I really want to go, but it's in Mesa, and i have only been there like 3 times in my entire life.
Concert's kick ass though, especially when Courtney Love hasn't played here in four years.
Anyway, I still can't believe I shook Billy Corgan's hand. That concert was one of the best things in my little life. I was there at arms length of the man that I want to be. The rock star who I most admire. Who is for all intents and purposes, The Smashing Pumpkins.
Right now I have a lot of things on my mind though. The company I applied to didn't give me the position I wanted, but is offering another one in customer service. I'll talk to them on monday, see what the job deals with, see how much they pay, see if it's worth my time.
There's no turning back anymore, I already bought Kim's ticket. In a way, i also can't believe that's happening either. I need some badly!
So much so that I'm thinking about fucking my father's secretary, in her tacky bleached blonde hair, high heels and bad accent.

4-21-99 "cast into a world with apple eyes"

Tonight is the night, the Smashing Pumpkins are coming to town. (Just picture in your head, me jumping up and down, flailing my arms screaming "the pumpkins are coming!, the pumpkins are coming!).
I hope i get good seats and that they'll play like last time. Considering the rumors of D'arcy leaving the band and the angry burst she had recently, this may be one of the pumpkins last concerts.
I went to see Never been kissed and it made me think of the things i've never done. I've never:

flown First Class
met anyone famous
dated a cheerleader
sat front row at a concert
had a virgin

4-19-99 "as a friend, as an old enemy"

There are certain smells, sights, and songs that can immediately send me back in time to when everything was simpler. To the early 90's zeitgeist
Going to see high school bands this weekend, for example brought back so many memories (re:"memori-a"). It felt like 1991 again, the sights of Tempe, the smell of my girlfriend's Escape perfume on her neck and long dark hair. back when everything was new to me, the feel of opening up my Nevermind CD (it was one of the first 20k pressings and therefore does not contain "Endless, Nameless") back when CD's came in long rectangular boxes.
Back when grunge and alt. and Lollappalooza were new. As i looked up to those kids playing in Youthappalooza, i sighed and thought to myself "just another ubiquitous buzzword". adding ppalooza as a suffix to anything is akin to creating something and gluing glitter on it.
passe with a touch of kindergarten
Now, like everyone else i'm bored and old
Peace of mind is definetely hard to find...

4-17-99 "Before these crowded streets"

The bright light of morning stung my sleepy eyes like lemon juice as i (once again) waited in line very early this morning for Dave Matthews tickets. I've really got to find a better way though, every time i line up it's either general admission or bad seats. My back and butt hurt from sitting on the pavement for 3 hours. Yet I would do it again for Radiohead and Hole.
George, this black guy we met at the previous DMB ticket line, saw my brother and i and began talking to us about music, sports and life. Of course, he didn't mind cutting infront of 10 other people to do so. Worse yet, he got better seats than us!
It's all good though, at least we got tickets this time.

4-14-99 "I spoke to the mountain..."

When i was younger i thought the term "grown-up" was meant for anyone over 20. You had responsibilities, YOU were an adult. I meant you knew what life was in all its perplexities (A house, kids and hating your in-laws).
It meant you had figured out what you wanted to be, and more importantly who you wanted to be.
Most of the time i feel like i'm meandering through life like a train about to jump the tracks. Ping-pongin from job to job, and dream to dream.
Yesterday, a friend of mine turned 25. He doesn't know what he wants to do with his life and neiter do i. I'm no different than the boy who used to collect rock and keep them in egg cartons so many years ago.

4-12-99 "I've got no soul to sell"

I stared at the ceiling longer than i can remember. Thinking about being 15. About my Joan of Arc haircut, smoking D'jarums listening to Jane's Addiction, The Smiths and Nirvana all at the same time-reading a library copy of Slaughter House V.
It was much like this weekend; a blur, into a thought, a bridge of sighs into a stream of unconsciousness. Disembodied, soul-less, disconnected, joyless and transcending into fashionable, nihilism
I saw Go but it just reminded me of a poorman's Pulp Fiction
Thought of the day:"Weebles wobble but they don't fall down"

4-09-99 "glorified version of a pellet gun"

I just learned that Marilyn Manson is coming back to town on May 7th. Now i don't have money, if he had come in march, then i would have still bought the tickets for the pumpkins but not the other way around.
It's all a question of priorities you know. i'm not going to pay 30 bucks to see them and Nashville Pussy. I would have done it for Hole, but not now.
Lately i've been thinking, I should start a band, we would write songs about love, hate, sex and everything that makes life worth living. Angry young men with stratocasters and attitude! With the fervor of NIN and the elan of Smashing Pumpkins, the symphonics of Radiohead, the depth of U2 and the delivery of Manson himself (in a non-satanic, non-homoerotic sort of way, of course). I should do it like The Exes, and have everyone in the band be a former girlfriend or boyfriend of one another.
Speaking of bands, i'm giving high props to that Virginia pop/punk trio, Elizabeth and their CD, DAMN YOUR ART PILE.

4-06-99 yeah, but where was the bunny?

Easter is over, and what does that mean?
it means Hallmark doesn't have a card for the next couple of months. It means time to buy the leftover Easter candy. It means the beginning of summer and it means another year has passed.
What cookie-fortune wisdom have i learned? My Friends: Cherish your visions; cherish your ideals; cherish the music that stirs in your heart, the beauty that forms in your mind, the loveliness that drapes your purest thoughts, for out of them will grow delightful conditions, all heavenly environment; of these if you but remain true to them, your world will at last be beautiful.
and don't take candy from strangers

4-08-99 the joy of all sorrows

Last night i finished reading a teach yourself Dynamic HTML book, to my chagrin many of the changes i made in my pages are only visible on IE4.0 or higher which i really dislike.
That's three books in two weeks, god i'm such a nerd.
I'm tired.
Right now, i don't care. I don't care about anything at all. I don't care that i don't have a job, and i don't care that i don't have a girlfriend and that I'm still without. I'm many ways I'll forever be l'ame perdue but i don't really mind being lost that much.

4-03-99 Wilkommen aus Sprockets

"and i'm as happy as a little girl"

Today, for the third time in 4 months, i got up early just to line up (in the cold mind you) to get tickets. After the dave matthews and Manson/Hole fiasco, I refuse to get screwed again (which i always do and not the nice way either). This time however, I waited like an Iowa farmboy at 6:30 in alacrity for The Smashing Pumpkins. I even saw the sun rise in the blue mirror of my sunglasses. Eventually, I had the tickets in my hot little hand, for their nine city, small-venue tour.
Even though their last album did suck, they're bound to play old songs, and the one's for their upcoming album, who knows-even Jimmy may be back now.
The Celebrity Theater sucks as a venue but it's going to cool cause there's only like 2,600 seats available. The line was pretty long even though the ticket sales were not announced on the radio. Actually they were annouced, only after they had sold out in the first 12 minutes.
Last night i also went to watch that freaky The Matrix movie. Those effects were so cool. I would give anything to be able to run up walls, jump 50 foot distances and dodge bullets with the blink of an eye. Anyway it has been an eventful 18 hours with only four hours of sleep. Now i hear the sandman calling my name.
btw: gas is now $1.33 damn!

4-01-99 "baby hit me one more time..."

Monday night I went to see 10 things I hate about you It was hillariously accurate to anyone that has ever gone to high school.

the rich, self-centered pretty boy
the popular, beloved beauty queen
the rebel grrrl
the outlaw outsider
the good guy and his nerdy friend
the counselor who couldn't careless

It brought back so many high school memories, even six years after the fact. In the end the guy who has "done wrong" apologizes by buying a her a guitar. Gee, i wounder who that happend to? Other than the surrealistically beautiful Padua High, it was everything i remember high school to be.
In other news,
I'm going broke, not only can't i find a job yet, but gas is up to $1.25, and i'm talking regular, unleaded, cheap-ass ARCO shit.
and a...
and a...
and a have you seen this months cover of Rolling Stone? just how hot is Britney Spears? I don't like her music, but goddamn she's the finest piece of calipygian jailbait i have ever seen. How hot is she? she even made me watch 50 minutes of Ricki Lake just so i could see her dance. I mean have you seen that Rolling Stone photo spread? She is working those outfits, that hair, those eyes, those lips, that butt!
She makes me think naughty thoughts. yeah, i'd go to jail for that.

3-29-99 Minty Fresh

How was everyones weekend? Mine was electrical, I spent it with an Angel with a handful of crumbled stars.
I went to see EDtv which could best be described as The Trumman Show and The Real World's love child but without anyone young or funny.
Anyway there i was, i had just finished dropping some people home and on my way home from Tempe. I was taking Priest Drive home, a long strech of road with few intersections. Listening to The Cure i noticed my mouth tasted like dead dog shit from the splif of oregano-weed and cheap liquor. In serendipidious circumstances my friend had left his bottle of mint lysterene in my car so i figured what the hell, i'll take some of this and i'll be good as new. At the next stop light i took a swig. I swirled the green tonic in my mouth and as i am about to spit it out, guess who is next to me?
give up? well of course, officer friendly is next to me, obviously if i spit this shit out he's going to pull over, if i swallow, i'm going to puke then he'll really think i'm drunk. I dare don't spit, i keep it and it begins to burn, it feels like acid in my tongue. My eyes water and that god-damn pig is still next to me. I can't take it anymore! I pull off at the next right and spit it out, as well as tossing the rest of my cookies. The PoPo keeps on driving. "Shit", i think to myself, as i wipe the nervous sweat off my brow-"just my luck." This morning i could still feel the minty-fresh tingle in my mouth.
the troubled words of a troubled mind, I try to understand.....

3-26-99 Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

"I went to bed too late and got up too soon..."
so the song goes and so the girl says. I can't believe she made me get up that early. So as i tumble my drowsy, morning-breath, unshaven self out of bed, way before noon just to make a phone-call(?). I look out the window and see the overcast sky(rainy days are a total turn on-but you knew that). I also realize that I really miss L.A., I miss the pretty azure blue street signs, the spaghetti of cement they call the Santa Monica(the 405). The serene beauty driving PCH and seeing the ocean next to you, and the hell of driving north to Hollywood on the crowded 101. I miss the 1:00am rush hour, the water bottled, sunglassed celebrity sightings, the $15.00 dollar covers and sunsets at Griffith Park, not to mention all the Barbie dream homes.
L.L Cool J was right, gotta go back to cali. But not now, i'm too sleepy...

3-24-99 The gospel according to audrey

My mom has a saying:"don't say you'll never drink something because, in it you will drown."
Right now those words ring as true as death and taxes. After the Val experience, I stated earlier that i would never again get involved in those cliche internet-romances. However, i think i'm one right now. I don't think i can call her my girlfriend just yet, buti do know that this is farther than i'd ever thought *we* would get, it's almost like a weird destiny thing.
Am i scared? like a kid on the first day of school. but i'm also excited at the possibilities, the feeling, the addicition of another person. She's helped me move on in my life, maybe find the joy in each day. Maybe i have done the same for her. I guess all I can hope and be thankful for is our friendship, which is the life-preserver in her ocean.

3-22-99 little song about Love, Hate and Sex

Why is June so far away?
well on the one hand it's good cause i don't have all my shit together yet, on the other hand it means 3 more months of sprained wrists, hand lotion and sticky fingers to put up with.
She makes me ache for the summer heat. The desert, the lights, the camera and most of all, the action.
She makes me ache like only a woman can, embodying female sexuality; part threat, part tease, part mistery and part unattainable goal. She is this close but yet so far. With a certain kind of white-trash poetry about her. I still don't know some things about her, i mean i know the important stuff, that which makes us so alike. I mean the little things, like is it paper or plastic? ketchup or catsup? dammit or damnit?
Well, here's to possibilities!

3-17-99 the truth? I can't handle the truth!

What to do when fact is scarier than fiction?
When the truth is out-there but you are too blind to see?
Ever feel like reality is more twisted than dreams?
the monochrome delirium is running amock with a cleaver in its filthy, little hand. Meanwhile I just want to run off into the sunset eating doritos. Now i feel like i should be somewhere, raving madly through the hills like Van Gogh on acid!
Luck O' the Irish? that redheaded midget is at some pub drinking green beer wondering where he left his lucky charms.

I'm in the midst of a mental breakdown, leave a message and I'll call you right back...

3-15-99 Rock is dead

you know how life is sometimes so incredibly cruel you don't think you can stand it anymore?
well, i thought it was bad when Courtney Love was thinking about leaving the Manson tour. Today i found out that not only is miss love not coming, neither is manson. and there are NO rescheduling plans. That was the only thing that was keeping a smile on my face, the only thing that actually made me look forward to the next day. Now, i don't even have that. It's not the quasi-fact that I am three degrees seperated from Courtney "ego queen" Love and four degrees from Marilyn "ego it" Manson. I actually wanted to see the show. yet once again, i was screwed
Goddammit, if it ain't one thing is the motherfucking other!!!

3-12-99 Other fish in the desert

Last night I went to watch a sneak preview of Forces of Nature.The point is that this movie brought up very interesting, very true points about relationships, esp: marriage.
It pointed out how dangerous it is to pick the wrong person, even with the fear that you will never find anyone else, that no one will ever love you, it's better than to have 30 years of misery and nothing but bitterness to show for it.
And how does one know who is the one i mean, movies, TV even your friends have 'someone' but are they the one?
they could be the stranger at work or even someone around the corner. Theoretically marriage is a life long commitment, yeah, in theory communism works. How does one know, who the perfect person is, do they even exist? Was it the girl at the red light?
the guy at the checkout line?
Why must it all be so difficult? In the end it's always the same thing, Hot Chick with a Loser boyfriend.
Same losers with new bitches, Same bitches with new losers, everything in equlibrium, all filed under the Life Sucks folder.

3-08-99 "a pill to make you numb"

Ever had a dream you wish would never end? a dream so real, so beautiful in it's construct that it becomes bigger and better than life. Making reality ache like my teeth after a bag of skittles.
I had one last night.
It was a vivid, million dollar production with a cast of thousands, some that a new but mostly people i have never laid eyes on, maybe in a past life however. Most of it was lucid dreaming, i could tell i was in a dream and better yet, control my environment. I flew in the air, I tasted the freedom, I felt the emotions of those around me. it was amazing, real yet unreal. I saw things convoluted and confusing as the images in my head, i understood them all. Everything spoke to me as if it knew me. It was a taste of heaven, i think i even saw *her* there, like breathing, living poetry.
I empty my soul of dreams that have gathered in me for a lifetime and follow your soul as it leads.

Always follow your desires, no matter what the cost.

3-06-99 Landslide in my ego

maybe Hax is right, maybe i just need to take things and leave them where they're at. accept things as they are and not wreck my brains with other possibilities.
Somehow, weaving a web and taking threads from everything is what i've always done. it's what i always do. Spinning them into a guiding myth that everyone can live with, or at least comprehend.
Maybe it's all a matter of months till things begin to make sense till everything comes to fruition. Let me hope. Still the search for happiness continues, my Holy Grail, the missing link in my life, ever searching for the Wonka bar with the golden ticket.

3-04-99 Paper White Narcissus

Ever feel like your driving on neutral?
Like no matter what you do you can't turn the corner much less speed ahead?
that's what this week has been like, i know the things i need to do, i know the things i want to do. yet, when i see it on the long run i can't imagine having both of those things. Like you can't find a job, girls don't like you and you still can't play open D-tuning. the experience of life sometimes supersedes the examination of the same, much to my chagrin. It makes me look at things and wonder where the hell everything is going or what i'm going to find when i get there.
Everyone has their bullshit detectors on, as well they should. Wishing for things has become a nightly ritual (if i only had a genie-no, i have more than 3 wishes).
Love's elusiveness is an intriguing puzzle that never resolves

2-25-99 "windows of the blissfully dead"

British bands have a nack for creating ambiance. Just listen to any CD by The Cure, Radiohead, Depeche Mode and too a lesser extent, Ireland's My Bloody Valentine. They can create mood and feel with their music.
However these bands lack audience participation, they maybe mumble something in their cockney accents once per three songs and it'll be the requisite "thank you (your city here)". I don't know why i rambled off the last few sentences worth of, as the Brits would say bollocks. I guess i'm just excited about Kim, coming though we are arguing how she'll come. I'll try to convince her tonight.

2-24-99 counting my stars, forgetting my scars

i'm happy, strange as it sounds, i really am. i'm almost delirious with joy just because i got to chat with Kim last night.
we talked about *us* and how we should wish for it to happen. the truth is i want it to happen. i only have to wait till late june, or early july to see if she is *the one*. she told me everything i needed (and everything i wanted) to hear.
i always thought of her as nice but now i think i really want her. I want that connection with someone i respect, the whole physical/mental/spritual tie that other's have with their loved ones. I want to talk, and kiss and hold her, to have her wake up in my arms. Just knowing that she is mine and that i am hers.
And she called this morning, too bad i wasn't there to pick up the phone.
Right now,she is everything. Maybe it's still a dream, maybe we are just saying what the other wants to hear, but maybe this is what mutual love is. I have never had that and i can't wait to find out what it is =)

2-23-99 Affording a Rock N' Roll lifestyle

From now on every decision that i make will be a Rock n' Roll decision. I've decided that i want to live in a music video.
The perfect video, i want to wake up to fast cars and even faster women. Maybe a nostalgic 80's video with lights, fog machines, hair spray and two story Marshall ampstacks. Btw: is it just me or does everyone miss the 80's? you know, back when MTV used to actually play videos.
I want to get out of my house and see 20 chocolate-skinned hoochie mammas with daisy dukes on. Maybe have them dancing to a little sumptin' sumptin' by Puff Daddy. Of course in video-land everyone has to be good looking, it's not only a requirement, it's a LAW!
Pulchritudinous people everywhere. The girls would look like Hooter's waitresses and cover models of Low Rider magazine. The guys like Calvin Klein underwear models. So where the hell would i fit in?
Music, of course would be ubiquitious (dictionary time-my peep's). Everyone would be �ber-cool, a universe full of Jim Morrisons, Axl Roses' and Jimi Hendrix's. Megalomaniacs, "each and everyone, a little scary"
I want my MTV

2-19-99 "son and the heir, of nothing in particular"

never ending tiredness of being.
or being without substance, without meaning
it's enough to keep you up at night, (for three and a half hours!).
Thinking of your choices and your actions and what those things have gotten you.
Thinking that there's got to be a better way, to be, to live, to be happy.
the bullshit detectors are on, and the party has begun without me. someone's birthday and another upcoming. She being the queen of negativity today and me with nothing important to say...

2-17-99 "Freefall out into nothing"

It's been an exhausting couple of days, three months to the day i started *babysitting*, i no longer work at PARC Place. There was just too much chaos. People getting high of their own fumes of power, everything was too hectic. So in the words of Kirsten, "fuck the drama"
like so many of the kids there, i'll miss the people not the place. I dumped them like a baby in a trashcan. Though i still have to pick up my last check and turn the L-key in.
So of course, it's job search time again, I hate it but i need the money, sending resumes, calling businesses. My old job would never paid for all my wants and needs. Hell, it barely paid my car.
I also got a belated Valentine's Day card from Kim, it was really cool with a cherub playing a mandolin. She's a nice girl, hopefully something will work out for her
So now, I'm looking for perfection in a short skirt and a decent job.

2-14-99 "Everyone in Love, you know that it's true..."

I think Liz Phair said it best:

"I can feel it in my bones/ I'm gonna spend another year alone"

So here I am, yet another dreaded, Valentine's Day. I mean, is it not bad enough that I'm alone? Or do I also need to be reminded of it by Hallmark-happy couples holding hands everywhere i go? What's worse, most of those people are uglier than me. They have no business being with someone, lest they have children and contaminate the gene pool.
Where is a day for the Loveless?
I don't think I even care about Love, I'm tired of trying for the past 10years for nothing.
If it hasn't happened by now it'll never happen. I just don't think i have the energy to keep looking for something i'm never going to find. I've been hurt too many times and it just isn't worth it anymore. No girl is worth that pain.
All i can hope is to get a date every now and then and maybe get laid once in a while.
considering life hasn't given me shit, that's probably too much to ask for.
Being single on Valentine's Day (or should I call it VAL-entine's day?) is like being a square peg in a room of round holes. You just don't fit in.
They say there someone for everybody, "they" lie. It's just a nice lie to say so the other person will stop their bitching. My friends keep telling me that *it* is going to happen to me one of these days. (when? with whom?.They say that my "time will come". They lie, sorry, I just don't believe it anymore. The only reason they say that is because they already have someone of their own, which basically means they don't give a shit if anyone else has someone.
How could they possibly know anyway?
Just because *happiness* didn't pass them by doesn't mean it's going to stop ignoring me.
Why can't things be better? why can't they be like they used to be so many years ago?
When it was 3am eternal, drinking merlot, chain smoking Djarums and dojah. Sublimely listening to the distortion of harsh guitars, and the lush, whispered, undeciphered vocals of My Bloody Valentine's Loveless. Hot august nights, having sex on ice cold bedsheets with music you can fuck to.
sigh.

2-11-99"Orange Clouds Raining in my Eyes..."

I'm pissed, nothing unusual right but today is a sad day for those of us who seek truth in content. Those of us who look for substance on the internet.
Amy Martin has retired from her award-winning CHUNK.com page. She was one of the elite, one of those designers that I aspire to be. She just quit, like Michael Jordan.
I even wrote to her, expressing my anger and she replied twice she told me how she needed to "live" and how she was "tired of all the bullshit" i suppose i have to accept that, even when she told me to "not take it personally".
i hate seeing talent like that being wasted.
On a more positive note, I did make out like a bandit yesterday, scoring a video, 10promo Cd's, matches, stickers and a P.J.Harvey poster. I also won some free film, but not the kind that my camera uses. still, free is free. And with my job, free is about all I can really afford.

2-09-99 "...a heavenly person today"

strangely enough, it has been a good day.
I was called "cute" by a girl I met today and last night Kim called me.
Our chat was nice, if somewhat, quietly ackward. There is just something about talking to someone you know but have never met. Especially if she has a sexy, breathy, voice. She told me about life in the tundra of Michigan, about her life and her problems.
I felt for her, I told her what she already knows, that she should move some place better. That I want her to be happy, still she refuses to believe that she is important to me. Only time will tell what will happen to *us* I just want what's best for her, period.
oh, i did score my tickets for the Marilyn Manson/Hole show only to find out that I stood in line at 7:30 for nothing since the tix are general admission anyway. As if by strange coincedence, tickets for Sherryl Crow also went on sale that day, and the lines of separation went deeper than just the 10 feet between doors: VH-1, full time jobs, Hootie fans and GAP wear on one end. MTV, dyed hair, body piercings and black clothing on the other. At least a 10-year difference in age and income, you could literally tell who was there for what even before they sat down.
I hate to realize one day I'm going to be on that side and some young punk will be snickering at my Banana Republic khakis as I hum, "hold my hand..."

2-05-99 Killing inspiration to sing about the grief

According to my horoscope, it was 248,010 years ago that the fallen angels were exiled from paradise. I found it interesting when my zodiac told me to shed a tear for them and cry a river for myself realizing that we are one in the same.
Childhood is the paradise that adulthood exiles us from. Those carefree days are long gone and not much remains but memories. I suppose it happens to everyone, but it's a definite change you learn ipso facto.
We kick the daylight until it bleeds darkness, enjoy it now because it just gets worst from here.
"happiness is a journey, not a destination" those words ring in my head with mocking accuracy. Like the story of the guy who's so worried about cumming-he can't enjoy fucking.
At least the Manson/Hole tickets go on sale tomorrow =)

2-02-99 Love burns it's casualties

I feel bad, today is Kim's birthday and i didn't call her. I did send her a present and a Valentine's Day card but it doesn't seem like enough.
she is such a nice person and i wish i could do more but once again we are seperated by thousands of miles.
I wish i could tell her how i feel and let her now that she means a lot to me but I can't, not yet anyway.
To tell her all things i've been thinking "deep inside my friend". I want to let her know that i fear us losing touch and drifting apart. the desperation, dislocation, isolation, desolation, separation, condemnation my life is like everyday and how she makes my goal almost plausible. the ravages of a hard life being put back together by the love of a good woman (of even a bad one!)
i need to tell her those things and more face to face. But i don't know if or when that will ever happen.
these are the times i fear, the times i feel i'm losing someone very dear to me, again.

1-30-99"Dancing on the backs of the bruised..."

i can't believe i waited with my brother in the ice-cold concrete, all damn night for Dave Matthews tickets and they sold-out 3 people ahead of me.
What a waste of time, i gave up a good night's sleep to camp out with blankets and pillows, alongside chain-smoking teenagers on a freezing january night all for nothing!
Whatever happens i need to score Marilyn Manson tickets. I have to even if they are playing in that ghetto venue. see concerts are those rare occasions that seem almost unreal in the gray matter inside your head later on. You are there, and so are they. they're not on MTV or magazine covers anymore, they are real.
Concerts are almost a religious and erotic experience for me, probably because i don't go to church and i can't get laid!

1-29-98 Your Halo, so hallow

There's a part of me that is responsible, trustworthy and downright respectable, i even admire those who are responsible to take care of their own lives. Who have made it, if at least on a hand-to-mouth basis in the real world.
there is another part of me, that is childlike, immature and completely irresponsible. I also admire, in a weird way, those who absolutely don't give a fuck. Apathy has it's own derranged sense of inner beauty. you have to see it in its own eyes to appreciate it. To look into the abyss and spit in it's eye. that is the ultimate cool. Someone who knows the edge because they been to it time and time again.
i wish i could find a happy median between them because either end is dangerous. to lose oneself in rules or lose oneself without them.
a perilous choice. but certainly appealing.

1-28-99 Pickles and Kool-Aid

I'm Lazy
Maybe, not so much lazy as uninspired.
I have the resources to update this log daily but not the muse to give the direction on what to write.
speaking of musings, kim sent two emails to me. Her words fill the emptiness inside me with such gentle warmth i wonder how i ever got along without them.
She even said she was going to come this summer. That gives me precious little time to prepare, damn-now i really need a new job! I have to get my ass in gear to meet her expectations. The funny thing is that i don't have to, iactually want to. Maybe not so funny as scary. A lot of things have been said and i don't regret any one of them.
so all of this is exciting and the prospects terrifying.
I want to meet her but i'm afraid too, afraid of disappointing her, of not living up to her expectations, of wasting her time.
well that's enough to keep me up at night, not to mention i also have the Marilyn Manson/Hole Concert to look foward to in march.

1-20-98 "tastes like fear..."

Two words, Job fair,
it's those rare times when i actually get to see just in how much trouble i'm in.
When i get a degree of measure to just how far i am away from financial success. It's bad enough that i hate my job, just to come to the realization that the jobs out there suck and pay less than mine!
life just isn't fair. But then we all knew that right?

1-19-99 Plants and Rags

School started today, i miss it so much.
Now time is only for worrying about what the future holds. About finding a new job, about finding *her*, about my life, about getting MORE!!!
Life is strange and keeps getting stranger, it's a feeling of seclusion or isolation. "Happiness is the way" but someone needs to give me directions.
Ngoc was right about a lot of things, i can't keep myself up at night thinking about things i have no control over, shit is going to happen regardless of my say. While i would like, even Love, for *it* to happen i have to accept that there are some things i can only hope for.
they are out of reach: then, now and always.
I just have to wait as Ngoc said, for my time to come.

1-14-99 "Living on reds, vitamin-C and cocaine..."

edited: 5/22/04

there are few moments in life when you actually realize how much of your life you are wasting. so is the case with me. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
i'm babysitting permafried crackheads.
Man, it sucks. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX i'm in a total rut. Everyone, i see or know (or have known) is actually doing *something* with their lives and i'm just, waiting for the never to come.
Oh yeah and if that wasn't depressing enough, Valentine's Day is only a month away.
life is so unfair, especially when you have entitlement issues.

1-08-99 "little pieces of nothing"

Two nights ago i talked to Ngoc, it was a long talk. We wondered why things (bad things) keep happening to us. She told me about her dog running away, her car needing a new $3,000 dollar engine, a skiing accident, her job and school and internship scheduling concerns. It was hard for me to listen and not really be able to help her in any measurable way.
i sat, i listened and i understood as the storm raged in her eyes.
I was all so overwhelming, it made my problems seem petty in exchange. I gave her my best advice and it seemed to help, i made her see the bigger picture and some of her options.
She seemed grateful for my words and told me how eloquent and sensitive i was, how my "time would come" and how some girl would be lucky to have me (yeah right!)
all i could was laugh at that absurdity. I was just glad i could help.
i think i cried myself to sleep that night.

1-05-99 "wonder this, could tomorrow be?"

I'm tired, not just physically but emotionally drained. another day
just sitting, smoking, feeling high..."
thinking of how things are and wondering if there is balm in Gilead or something poetic like that. No, actually just thinking about my never prospering situation.
all the things to keep and keep getting. and it echoes like a voice inside my mind.
repeating itself and keeping me up at night.
What she said, and trying to come to terms with it, which i doubt i ever will, completly.
My mind is jumbling and rapidly changing ideas but the rest of me is too worn down to comprehend, i feel like a tweaker about to crash or somebody who's perma-fried, maybe in my own way i am. Maybe if i let it get to me i will.
Do you think i should try the whole purification thing Notah is trying? Rid my body of dairy, meat, alcohol, coffee, drugs and women? (yeah, like I could get the last one) for an entire year? getting ready for the new millenium and whatever that my bring. Enough to run for the hills and live only on fruits, nuts and vegetables. Neither do i
I mean if i'm going to die, i should partake in any and every form of debauchery before 2000 hits, then i can spend the rest of my hermit life knowing the self denial is a worthless end.
Thought of the Day: "Beware of Wonder"

1-01-1999 "All is quiet, on New Year's Day..."

sometimes i just sit back and reflect
reliving moments of the past and wishing they were once again real
Happy New Year!
Well here we are, the last year of the century. In and of itself, now is a time to reflect on the passing year and hope for better in the new year.
No resolutions for me though, i don't need to break my own promises. All i want right now is to find a new job. Something that won't give me ulcers or premature gray hair. Something besides babysitting crackheads, dope-fiends and puppy kickers. Something that will give moi the money to live like i want to. I can't belive that my mom has had the same job for x number of years.
So I guess that's the resolution, find a new job and just be happy. Respect the past. Relish the future. Make the best of the present.
2000 seems so far away but the next thing you know, that'll be here too.
strange to think how fast time moves, day by day, little by little, the ephemeral nature of life is striking.
i can't look to far a head, i simply don't want to, it's to depressing to wonder if it'll turn out like '97 or '98 (or any year after 1993.)
So all i can do is take it one day at a time and try to make the most i can. My grandfather's words ring in my head, "all the money in the world, will never buy back lost time".
So who knows what the future holds, and what fates might befall us? all we can hope for is the hope to learn from our experiences and take each day as it comes.
in the words or PARC Place and/or AA meetings "keep coming back, it works if you work it."

relapse
[journal 2000]

rehab
[read the past]

return
[grandma take me home]

reach
[write here, right now]

release
[she's pimp like me]