Just Inn Time II
Bartender - Aka Maurice
Wife - The greedy
Daughter - The teen
Christy - The pyro
Kalvin - The psycho
Alfred - The Sheriff
Matthew - The Outlaw
Bruce - The homo
[SETTING: An Old West Tavern. A fire (CR) blazes in an open fireplace. Several tables and chairs are spread throughout the room. The Tavern is empty aside from the BARTENDER, his WIFE, and their teenage DAUGHTER who doubles as a waitress. It's night outside and very cold.]
BARTENDER: It looks like it'll be another slow one tonight, maw.
WIFE: It shore do, paw.
DAUGHTER: Can I PLEASE leave, this place is sooo boring.
BARTENDER: But what if fortune smiles upon us and we get a customer? Who'll serve them?
DAUGHTER: Mother can, or you. Anyway, when was the last time we had a customer? Not since Christmas at least.
WIFE: Now darl'in, your paw's right, your needed here. You can go out with that Jimmy-Bob some other night.
DAUGHTER: Like, this is totally not fair!
[enter CHRISTY]
CHRISTY: [flirtatiously to the BARTENDER] You got anything hard?
BARTENDER: For you, little lady, anything.
WIFE: Oh for cripes sake paw, give her a drink and shutup.
BARTENDER: Shore thing, maw.
[BARTENDER pours some yellow concoction out of an old jug into a dirty glass and hands it to Christy (who finds the whole predicament amusing). CHRISTY takes her drink and sits quietly at the table closest to the fire. DAUGHTER waits five seconds then approaches her.]
DAUGHTER: Can I help you?
CHRISTY: No.
DAUGHTER: Do you want me to get you anything?
CHRISTY: How about throwing a few more logs on the fire, I'd like that.
DAUGHTER: Okiedokie.
[DAUGHTER throws a tiny little stick onto the fire then walks back to BARTENDER]
DAUGHTER: Can I go now?
BARTENDER: If we got one customer, we might get another. Isn't this wonderful? I can't believe how fortunate we are tonight.
CHRISTY: [Takes a big gulp of her drink, then spews it out] Jesus, what is this shit?
BARTENDER: It's the house special, made with real whole-wheat fun.
CHRISTY: It tastes like battery acid! [pondering] Hey barkeep, gotta light?
[BARTENDER hurries over to her and lights a match for her. She plucks it from his hand and tosses it into the drink. The drink ignites and shoots fireworks all over the room.]
CHRISTY: Now that's a drink!
[Enter KALVIN (holding a My Little Pony and Friends pink horsie doll named Miss Tittles between his legs) wearing a neon green and orange cow-boy suit that's two-sizes too small]
DAUGHTER: Oh great...of all the blasted nights to get busy.
[KALVIN trots over to a table in the back corner and makes horse noises as he "dismounts"]
WIFE: Well? We have a customer dear, go see what he wants.
DAUGHTER: But he's a fruitloop. Look at that horse. No "normal" person could ever ride a horse that size.
WIFE: Didn't your paw and I teach you never to judge people? He's a customer and he's got money, that's all we need to know.
DAUGHTER: Alright, I'm going.
[DAUGHTER slowly walks around the room several times and stops behind KALVIN]
DAUGHTER: Can I help you?
KALVIN: Uhhmm.....yes.
[pause]
DAUGHTER: What would you like?
KALVIN: Some milk for me, and a Scotch for Miss Tittles, please.
DAUGHTER: [looking at him suspiciously] You do know there aren't any horses allowed in here, don't you?
WIFE: [rushing over and interjecting] Hush now dear, he's a special customer. Anyway, his horse seems well behaved, I shore we can make an exception this time around.
DAUGHTER: What-ever.
KALVIN: I promise Miss Tittles and I won't be a bother, we're both toilet trained so we won't make a mess-mess on the nice clean floor.
WIFE: [fake smile] Yes, I'm shore you won't... [goes back the bar to get the drinks]
[Enter ALFRED--the lawman. DAUGHTER delivers KALVIN and Miss Tittles the drinks.]
ALRED: Well hiddy-ho cowpals.
BARTENDER: 'Evenin. [seeing his badge] Your a Sheriff?
ALRED: Yes, but you can call me Alfred.
WIFE: [excitedly] Three customers in one night, this must be breaking some record or something!!!
[ALFRED sits down at an empty table]
DAUGHTER: Why howdy Sher...Alfred. What brings a good man like you to our little town of Mongo-Ju?
ALRED: I'm tracking down Matthew the Merciless, I've heard rumours he's around here somewhere.
[BARTENDER and WIFE look at each other in fear]
DAUGHTER: I'm sure a big strong handsome man like you will protect a little itty-bitty thing like me from the likes of that filth.
ALRED: Most certainly!
WIFE: Is there anything we can get for you, Alfred?
ALRED: I'll have...some rice-crispy square if you've got any.
DAUGHTER: Some what?
ALRED: I said beef stew.
[KALVIN screams as though someone we removing his intestines]
ALRED: On second thought, I'll just have some water. [looking over at Kalvin inquiringly]
[KALVIN nods happily]
DAUGHTER: Is that all?
ALRED: Yes, thank you.
[Enter MATTHEW, ignoring all the other patrons. He's dirty and smelly, has a stubbly beard and is very gruff looking.]
MATTHEW: Bartender, bring me a whiskey on double.
BARTENDER: Yessir, coming right up. [pours some dirty water into a dirty glass and hands it to his DAUGHTER] Here, take this to the customer.
DAUGHTER: No way, he's dirty and smelly.
WIFE: Now darl'in, haven't yer paw and I taught you not to judge a book by it's cover? As long as he's a paying customer he's welcome here.
DAUGHTER: Then you give it to him. [handing the glass to WIFE]
[WIFE frowns then holds her breath and walks over and places the glass in front of MATTHEW. MATTHEW grunts then waves her off. He downs the drink quickly.]
MATTHEW: [growling] Bartender, this is shit, what kind of whiskey is this anyway?
BARTENDER: It's home made; made it myself, I did.
MATTHEW: It sucks. Give me something that doesn't taste rotten.
BARTENDER: Yessir, coming right up. [pours some red liquid into a dirty glass and hands it to his WIFE]
[WIFE frowns then holds her breath and walks over and places the glass in front of MATTHEW. MATTHEW grunts then waves her off. He downs the drink quickly. He passes out for a moment.]
MATTHEW: Hot damn, that's good stuff. Bring over the whole bottle. [laughing wickedly]
[WIFE frowns, holds her breath then takes the bottle to him. He grunts and waves her off. He settles down for the night pleased with his new best friend--the bottle. KALVIN gets up and mounts Miss Tittles. He trots over to ALFRED.]
KALVIN: Greetings and salutations Sheriff. Say isn't that a pie filling or something? [giggle] Blah, anyway, I want to introduce you to Miss Tittles. She used to be an Amazon warrior before I got her, so she has a big respect for authority figures. I'm Kalvin, by the way.
ALRED: Oh no, I'm not an authority figure, I'm just...well...Alfred.
KALVIN: Yeah, but you got a badge and a gun. But ya know what, Al?
ALRED: What?
KALVIN: My guns bigger than yours is, haah! [he pulls out a rather large pistol]
ALRED: [pulling out his tiny little gun] Ohh, I see what you mean...well, it's not the size that counts, it's how you use it.
KALVIN: That's what all the guys with small guns say. [laughing like a schoolgirl]
ALRED: Hmph!
KALVIN: Ahh, I'm just kidd'in, Al. No harm intended. Say, can you watch Miss Tittles for a minute, I've got something I have to do.
ALRED: No hard feelings, friend. Sure, I'll watch her.
KALVIN: [gasping] HER?? Miss Tittles is a HIM you silly pooh-pooh.
ALRED: Oh, sorry. I just assumed...
KALVIN: Ah-oh! Well you assumed wrong. But that's okay, he gets that a lot. He doesn't take it personally.
[KALVIN walks towards the bar to talk to the BARTENDER. Before he gets there, he passes by MATTHEW, as he does he grabs his nose.]
KALVIN: Ewww, you STINK! Ew gross.
[The DAUGHTER bursts into laughter. WIFE slaps her in the back of the head to make her stop. The BARTENDER holds his breath in anticipation.]
MATTHEW: [standing up] You got a problem, buddy?
KALVIN: Ya, you smell like doo-doo.
MATTHEW: [grabbing him by the collar] What did you say?
KALVIN: [screaming like a girl] Ahh, don't hurt me.
MATTHEW: [spitting] Pathetic. [throws him to the floor like a rag doll]
[KALVIN stands up un-phased and smooths the non-existant wrinkles from his outfit. He walks over to the bar very casually. In the meantime, CHRISTY stands up suddenly looking like she has to go pee very badly.]
CHRISTY: Bartender! Hey studdly!
BARTENDER: [smiling] Yes, sugarpie?
CHRISTY: Your fire's going out.
BARTENDER: [evil grin] Nope, it's still burn'in...oh, the FIRE! I'll get some more wood for it. Back in a jiffy.
[exit BARTENDER]
KALVIN: [from the bar] Hey Christy, wanna set my hair on fire?
CHRISTY: [excitedly] Sure!
WIFE: Wait, I don't think that's a very good idea...
CHRISTY: Why not?
KALVIN: Sounds like fun to me. And Miss Tittles says red looks good on me.
WIFE: But...
ALRED: She's right, [to CHRISTY] you'll only end up killing the poor chap.
CHRISTY: So?
MATTHEW: [chuckling] I say we burn the Sheriff too.
CHRISTY: Okay.
KALVIN: Good idea.
ALRED: No!
DAUGHTER: [to WIFE] I told you we were better off without customers. They only take up space and causing problems.
WIFE: No problems dear. [to all] There will be no lighting anyone on fire in this Tavern!
CHRISTY: What if it's an accident?
WIFE: No accidents!
CHRISTY: What if it's an act of God?
WIFE: [thinking] An act of God, eh? Yeah, I guess it's okay if it's an act of God.
[enter BRUCE]
BRUCE: Even'ing all. Yes it's that time again, time to get down and get funky.
DAUGHTER: Who the hell are you?
[WIFE elbows DAUGHTER in the ribs at her rudeness]
BRUCE: Just a lonely man look'in for love in all the wrong taverns.
KALVIN: [robotically] Welcome Earthling. I am Z-24, a.k.a. Kalvin.
BRUCE: [winking at KALVIN] Well hello there handsome!
KALVIN: [blushing] ...gosh.
MATTHEW: Ahh shaddup the both of you.
CHRISTY: Why don't you shut up?
ALRED: Now now, people...lets not get nasty
ALL: Shut up, ALFRED!
[ALFRED frowns and sinks back into his chair, cradling his drink]
BRUCE: [to MATTHEW] Hey cowboy, what's your name?
MATTHEW: If you value your life, bugger off.
KALVIN: I know what his name is. It's Matthew Gardenia, a.k.a. Matthew the Merciless.
ALRED: What? Where? [drawing his gun]
MATTHEW: Here, lawman. You got a problem? [drawing his gun]
ALRED: I've been hunting you down for two years. Your game is up.
MATTHEW: Wrong. I've only just begun.
KALVIN: Ooo, a gunfight. [pause] Wait...where's Miss Tittles? Argh!? [looking around frantically, sigh of relief as he spots her on ALFRED'S table] Oh there you are pookie!
[KALVIN picks him up and cuddles him as he retreats to the far corner]
ALRED: Your under arrest.
MATTHEW: Your toast.
[enter BARTENDER]
BARTENDER: What in God's name is going on here?
CHRISTY: Where's the wood?
ALRED: [pointing to MATTHEW] Your customer here is Matthew the Merciless. I'm arresting him.
MATTHEW: [pointing to ALFRED] Your customer here is Sheriff Alfred. I'm gunna shoot 'im.
BARTENDER: Oi!!!!
CHRISTY: [obsessively] Where's the wood? Didn't you get the wood?
DAUGHTER: [excitedly] Oh wow. I'm glad I stayed after all.
BRUCE: No one's gonna get shot today.
MATTHEW: Oh yeah? Says who?
KALVIN: Says Miss Tittles!
[MATTHEW laughs uncontrollably. He aims his gun at Miss Tittles and shoots. KALVIN drops Miss Tittles to the floor and screams like a girl.]
KALVIN: You bastard!
[KALVIN charges MATTHEW. He jumps over a table and knocks him down before MATTHEW can shoot him. MATTHEW's gun slips out of his hand. KALVIN sits on his chest and beats the hell out of MATTHEW. ALFRED tries to stop him, but KALVIN punches him in the groin. BRUCE gets up and tries to help ALFRED back to his feet. ALFRED, thinking that BRUCE is KALVIN punches him in the nose. CHRISTY attacks ALFRED. The BARTENDER and his family all start screaming and hiding behind the bar. DAUGHTER breaks away from WIFE and joins in the fight, helping KALVIN beat up on MATTHEW. KALVIN slips out of the fight and jumps up on a nearby table. He whistles loudly for everyones attention. Everyone stops and looks up at him.]
KALVIN: Okay Matthew, I forgive you now. Everyone stop fighting before someone gets hurt. Miss Tittles lived his life to the fullest, he not only was a dancing pony, he did tricks. He could tie my shoelaces, play chess (and always beat me), and baked a hell of an apple pie. But Miss Tittles is gone now [wiping a tear from his eye]. But that's okay, because I'm sure Miss Tittles will be reincarnated as something even better, like an Oyster! Or a Unicorn. Matthew, no hard feelings. I've shot my share of horses, all by accident of course, but you had your reasons. Alfred, Matthew isn't a bad guy, he's just misunderstood. May God grant you the patience to teach him the way of the righteous. Bruce, are you okay? That right hook looked like it really hurt.
BRUCE: I'm fine, Kal. What do you say you and I get a drink after all this?
KALVIN: [naively] Sure, I need a new buddy now that Miss Tittles is gone. The road is a lonely place. Can we play horsie too?
BRUCE: [chuckling] Sure, you can ride me whenever you want, baby.
KALVIN: Great. Christy, next time we meet, I promise you can set my hair on fire. Too bad this is a non-smoking Tavern.
CHRISTY: I've got your word, Kalvin. I'll be waiting. [wink]
KALVIN: [to BARTENDER] Maurice, thanks for letting us use your place for our little frolicking.
BARTENDER: How did you know my name?!
KALVIN: I know a lot of things, Maurice. Like that you were born October 2nd, and your last name is Finkleworst. [Pause. To WIFE] Thanks, mam. Its been a pleasure.
WIFE: Don't forget to pay me, everyone.
KALVIN: [to DAUGHTER] And to you my dear...Jimmy-Bob isn't good enough for the likes of you, he's just after a good time.
DAUGHTER: So?
KALVIN: Err...well, whatever. Anyway, have a Happy Chanuka, and merry Easter to all.
[exit KALVIN]
BRUCE: Wait up, sweet-ums. Wait for papa bear.
[exit BRUCE]
ALRED: [to MATTHEW] Kalvin's right. I'm not going to arrest you. I'm going to be your best friend.
MATTHEW: [sarcastically] Oh joy. Well, I'm going to kill some women and children, your welcome to join me.
ALRED: Now Matthew, killing isn't good for your soul. And I can smell your Karma from here. Eww.
[exit MATTHEW and ALFRED]
BARTENDER: [to CHRISTY] Err, miss?
CHRISTY: Yeah?
BARTENDER: Don't you have somewhere you have to be?
CHRISTY: Nope, I'm here in front of this nice warm cosy fire.
[BARTENDER frowns. WIFE tries:]
WIFE: Why don't you go and meet the sunrise. The Sun--now that's the biggest fire in the Universe!
CHRISTY: Wow, I never thought of that before...that's a good idea. Thanks.
[Exit CHRISTY. DAUGHTER walks over to Miss Tittles body and picks it up.]
DAUGHTER: Can I keep Miss Tittles' body, dad?
BARTENDER: Shore can, as long as you do the embalming yourself.
WIFE: We could set Miss Tittles up here in the corner and charge people to take their picture on her! [to BARTENDER] Speaking of charging...where's all the money we made from tonight?
BARTENDER: Money? What money? Oh that money. Err...uh...
WIFE: Oi!