29.jan.99 (June-July.98)
Are there chances to come to agreement with girls?
What do man think about when he is in love?
I want to do what I want.
I can keep rules. Can I?
I want simple solutions. I want use my gun I want use my fists, (not with girls, with other cases).
I feel the barest necessity to foreseen my leads at least for two moves ahead.
I degraded with chess.
I guess I was able to ply and I was able to think and I was able to have inspiration.
I even guess I contrived to have all these things simultaneously from time to time.
I'm too malicious to have this now. (Not positive. Eh?).
What do man think about when he is in love?
He wants to do what he wants.
Looks like that. But ...
There must be inspiration.
I have lost my inspiration with chess, bodybuilding, Internet, girls. (Girls ?)
I don't remember what I felt.
Did I feel a sensation of freedom?
So, I feel by now.
Did I feel excitement of life?
I feel such like things up to the moment.
Something is missed.
I wanted to do something good to people (girls).
And ... Yes, I don't want it now (only today, mind you).
I'm in waiting.
What do I wait? (Money? Girls? Health? Luck? Spring?)
May be. And I wait an Inspiration, Spring, Health.
Many wise people say: "Try to smile and then you will catch good humor."
- Never tried.
I must work
- So, I worked.
I must study.
- So, I studied.
I must ...
- "One owes nothing to anyone. And to himself?"
- And may be I owe nothing to myself?
Has anyone necessity in me?
Has anyone read everything on my page? Has anyone questions? (Irony you now, nothing personal -)) )
I don't know anything special. I know neither too little neither too many.
Everything what I know is in books, music compositions, movies.
It's true I gather nosegay of things about which I care. So what?
OK, OK, OK.
I have seen girl, 25 years old. It was Internet-acquaintance. I liked her photo, and she had saucy tongue. So I decided to meet with her. I began share my rays of lights with her and she sad: "So what? And who cares?" And I sad: "This is cool! This is good thing! Check it out! What Ho! What Ho!" - There was no response. She had good job, very good salary. She drank beer. (I don't like girls who drink beer). She wore trousers. (I don't like girls who always wear trousers). She didn't like to walk with flowers. (I shy to present flowers, it's true, but I don't like girls who don't like flowers).
There is a snag with 25 years. Too old to plunge, too young to cling.
(Now it was sad on the TV it was Sidney virus of flu. So, I'll continue.)
And she sad that I looked at her as a cat on the sour cream.
It was a funny situation at that time. She had a flower presented by me. I sad: "If you want to get rid of this one try to lay this to "Everlasting Flame" near Kremlin Wall". And she tried. And soldier in guard of honor thumped by breach of his submachine-gun wasn't letting to lay it. There were TV-brigade and many loafers and tourists. Everyone had a good fun. I guess some of them might have an idea that it was my plot. And everyone thought: "Will the soldier give way and smile?" No. But we knew he was with us in our (mine? -) ) little folly.