okt.98-nov.98
It's a pity but I don't remember precise date of this event. It happened because I don't understand all consequence of this event. For a first glance it seemed as nothing particular.
So it was a fall. Middle time between summer and winter when you don't feel what season is at all. I was buying Wodehouse, (author, if you don't know). I was in the street Kuznetskii Most. Those shop was a new to me, I found it when was seeking after Wodehouse. But street happened to be connected with one of my first trying to make acquaintance to a girl. It was a pedestrian street with expensive stories. Book's shop was in old fashionable house, which associated in my mind with Victorian age and Baker Street. "It was luck," I thought at once, I saw a shelf full of books which I like. And I realized that my pocket are not enough to buy its all. I spent a sufficient time choosing what books buy at first. Then I put these books in my empty paper-bag. It was a mistake. Suddenly I saw a supervisor or seller clerk. She was a women about 40-45. She made no fuss. I asked her: "So must I keep all this books in my hands?" She sad nothing. But it was not so important. The point was the next. Before this moment I felt myself on the top of the world I strolled on the fashionable street, then was in story for "clever" people, chose my favorite books. I respect myself and have nothing against people near me and human race in general. So when this trifle incident occur to me I smiled to her. It was my kind ingenious sincere smile. I want to say by this: "How are you? Life is splendid." And she smiled me in return. I don't know what she intended to say by her smile, (probably: "put down these books"). I felt A WALL. I realized she didn't care about me, (was I good person or criminal) about my smile or good humor, (Did I wish her good or bad). I felt I have no any power any significance anything that can stop her or anybody else. Of course, I understand now she was feeling as a novice hunter who was lying in the bush and could make a good shot. She smiled and was happy and praised for herself that she done good job. But it's no so important to me. I guess, a hypnotist might have similar feeling when he failed to hypnotize a some kind of bovine. It may be or it may be not. Because I failed, (may be with no such a swizz), not only with her but with everyone, (if we will judge on the result).
It had a bad effect because I hadn't made such analysis at that time. I only felt that I'm not in the pink anymore. Probably I can be cured after antipodal accident.