The life of Terry McLaughlin was a sad one; it was a life unfairly given to a person of such a good and pure soul. It will always grieve me to my dying day that I was unable to help him, for you see I came to know him much too late and the damage had already been done. I tried to give him what aid I could but, unfortunately for him, it was not enough. I suppose I should start this story from the beginning for the benefit of those that did not know him as well as for those that did, or at least thought they did.
I first met Terry when he came to my office seeking help for depression and at first I was not overly worried about him. He gave the impression of having a strong will coupled with a caring nature; it was this strength of will that I was counting on to help him through his troubles, however, I failed to take into account how his kind nature would come into conflict with it.
The reason Terry came to me was not because he was depressed, he was of an opinion that if depression was his only problem he could handle it himself, instead he came to me because it was adversely affecting his schooling and this was something he neither could tolerate nor cure by himself. The first thing I had to do was find the cause of his depression, once that was accomplished medication could be prescribed that would aid him in retaining concentration and boost his flagging energy. So I had him tell me his story from the beginning.
Terry came from a small family. He was born twenty-four years ago in a small town in New Mexico to a young couple that was about twenty at the time and had only one other sibling, an older brother Sean. As his story unfolded it became readily apparent that his parents, in his words, were too young and immature to have had children. The father had dreams of living in another time; evidently he had a romanticized view of the life of a mountain man and did his best to recreate it. Even going so far as to find jobs as a ranch hand in remote locations were electricity was not an option, thus giving him the ability to pretend that he was in a different time. His mother, on the other hand, he referred to as a failed romantic often liking her to the character of Emma Bovary. The mother evidently spent a vast majority of her free time reading romance novels and trying to make her life conform to them. She tried to be the strong willed woman that could handle any adversity that life threw at her and the poor defenseless damsel that needed a strong man to protect her. It never seemed to occur to her that the two persona were incompatible, because she was still trying to accomplish this melding of characters at the time when Terry came to see me.
Much of his early life he could not remember, having blocked and relegated it to his sub-conscience, so what follows Terry had gleaned from talks with his grandmother and other family members. When he was either three or four his parents divorced; if one seriously considers this then it becomes inevitable considering contradictory personalities, their dream lives were just not compatible with each other. Not long after the divorce the mother decided that her children were an inconvenience to, for the lack of a better term, the sowing of her wild oats so she gave them away. Luckily she gave them to her mother. So it was that the two boys formed the mother-child bond with their grandmother, who was a woman of strong will and tender heart, rather than their mother.
So they staid with their grandmother for about a year, eventually moving with her to Seattle. Once safely ensconced in Seattle they were enrolled in nursery school and were fairly happy. This happiness, unfortunately, was not long lived. In the year she had been separated from her children the mother had taken the opportunity to remarry; her second husband was a highway patrol officer in New Mexico and, as the children would soon find out, an alcoholic and child-abuser. Evidently after her marriage the mother decided that she wanted to be a family again and was determined to reclaim her children to help her in this endevour. No matter how much their grandmother had wanted to keep them, she had no legal way of doing so. In the end the boys went with their mother.
Now I have reached the point in which Terry’s memory becomes disjointed, it has been through no small effort on my part, mainly by questioning the family members central to this stage in his life, that I have been able to piece together at least a small amount of this stage in his life.
It seems that not long after the boys were back with their mother and her new husband she decided to give them up once again, this time they were given into the care of their great aunts. Once more their mother had proven that she was sadly unprepared for the burdens of parenthood
The boys spent a little over a year with their great-aunts and their great grandmother. When word of the boys’ new living arrangements reached their grandmother she made an agreement with her sisters, she would pay them four-hundred dollars a month to pay for the boy’s food, clothes, and to cover the cost of their board. This may seem callous at first, at least that is what I thought when Terry first told me of it, but then he proceeded to tell me that their life there probably would have been much worse without the financial buffer provided by their grandmother.
It seems that the boys’ mother, at some time in the past, had done something to alienate the vast majority of her immediate family. It seems that even with the buffer provided by their grandmother the children still suffered the pains of the parent’s sin. Most of the boys’ great-uncles would have nothing to do with them and they were usually harsher in their dealings with the boys if they did. The aunts, on the other hand, wanted to form an attachment to the boys but were afraid to get too close to them, not knowing when or if their mother would return to claim them. So, in an effort to protect themselves, the aunts and uncles kept the boys at an arms length. Regardless of the good intentions involved this was hardly conducive to making the boys, who had already been shown by their mother’s callous treatment that they were not wanted, feel that they were desired much less loved.
The boys staid with their great-aunts for close to a year when their mother showed up to reclaim them. Once again the boys were to be used as props for her marriage. After their mother reclaimed them they moved to a small town about twenty minutes away from the boys’ great-aunts. I believe whatever suffering the boys had gone through up until this point was a preparation for the hell that they were to encounter at they hands of their stepfather. As I previously mentioned their stepfather was an alcoholic and a child abuser and whenever things were going badly for him or he had had one too many, he would take out his anger and frustration on the boys. Often this abuse would be carried on in the presence of their mother who would do nothing to stop it. It was because of this obvious abandonment by the one person who should have rushed to their defense that they boys formed such an unusually close attachment to each other. One was always there to protect the other.
It was this attachment that would eventually give rise to most of Terry’s problems. It seems that as the boys grew up Terry’s older brother, Sean, never out grew the feeling that it was his job to protect his “little brother.” It was this over protecting attitude that eventually pushed Terry over the edge.
Terry spent almost his entire life with people trying to tell him what to do and how to do it, usually without giving any thought as to what Terry wanted to do. To have that attitude reborn in his brother was too much for him. When Terry first came to me I quickly came to realize that his family and most importantly his brother were central to his depression. Terry would come in and tell me how angry he was that his brother was trying to run his life. That Sean was trying to tell how to handle his finances, what job to get, how to handle his depression, and so on. In most cases like Terry’s I tell the patient to separate themselves from the person who is trying to control them, and I told Terry this, however, I also told him that his case was somewhat special. Since both he and his brother shared an apartment and went to the same university it was highly unlikely that Terry would be able to achieve the separation he needed. Also, he couldn’t move out of the apartment because alone he didn’t make enough money to pay his rent. And moving to another university wasn’t an option in his mind; he liked the school and more importantly he would “be damned” if anyone was going to make him move if he didn’t want to.
Every week when Terry would come in Sean was the topic of discussion more often than not. Sure, sometimes he would come in and talk about his mother and problems he was having with some of his friends, but Sean was always discussed. I would tell Terry not to give into what Sean wanted, to stand his ground and do the things that Terry wanted to do--basically to tell Sean ‘NO.’ Unfortunately, this was easier said than done. I must say, in all honesty, that Terry did his damnedest to say no and attempted it at every opportunity, the sad thing was that it didn’t work. Both Terry and I were trying to tear down a habit that had twenty-five years to solidify. Added to that, Sean had the increasingly annoying assumption that he was always right. Terry told me that the one reason he had given up trying to stand up for him self was because of Sean’s insistence that he was always right. Terry often compared talking with Sean to the experience of repeatedly ramming one’s head into a brick wall-all one got in return was an excruciating headache.
As the weeks went by Terry seemed to be getting better, he was happier more optimistic. He even said that things were better between he and his brother. Sean still tried to tell him what to do, but Terry refused to back down and eventually Sean would give up. Appearances, however, can be deceiving. The only thing that had changed in Terry’s life was that now he was better equipped to hide his depression, and he accomplished this masterfully. He had everyone fooled his family, his friends, his professors, me.
The only real breakthrough that Terry had was a realization that since nothing he did was right he might as well give up. After all, no one really needed him, besides there were people out there who could take up his responsibilities and do them ten times better. I should have seen this coming. I should have realized that, given his past and the relationship he had with his brother, his mind would naturally follow this line of reasoning. I should have known; I should have seen…I should have.
One autumn day Terry took a walk, and he never came back. When his family went to look for him they found the clothes he had been wearing about half a mile from his apartment on the side of the highway. Later the police found his wallet, with his ATM and credit card, and his entire id still inside, three miles away at the river. They never found Terry. I still don’t know weather Terry committed suicide or not. No matter what anyone tells me I will always think that Terry was smarter than that. I just wish I had proof that he was still alive somewhere.
All I do know for certain is that a troubled young man came to me looking for help and I could do nothing for him. I am a doctor; I should be able to heal the people that come to me seeking solace and succor. I shouldn’t be able to make mistakes like I did with Terry; I should have been able to help him and I didn’t. That I will regret to my dying day.