Laugh at the fates and at destiny.
Laugh at the past and into the future.
Laugh at the sorrows that wait for me still.
Always laughing eyes bright and head thrown back. No girlish tinkle of a laugh for me; but the full belly laugh of one that is wonderfully amusement.
I laugh so loudly and with such obvious joy, that no one realizes that I am without a smile.
Not the fake smile I paint on, when situations dictate that I must be demure and polite. Nor is it the smile that I present the world when my heart is secretly breaking. And it breaks so often, that I wonder how it can still be beating.
No, my smiles are special. They are my secret. Its delicacy doesn't come often, and unlike my full hearty laughs, it comes across me unexpectedly. It is my gift to you.
When I was a child, I laughed and smiled with equal abandon. The warm protectiveness of my grandparents and doting aunt and uncles ensured that I was confident and self-assured. To tell my five year old self, that my eagerly awaited trip to live with my parents in the United States was doomed to disaster...well, I won't tell about Santa Claus, if you won't. Not that I would have believed it then. I was so used to have the love and adoration of all around me; the wind was my playmate, and the sun full of kisses.
I can't really blame anyone, I suppose. It was my own ego that had me assume that the joy that I lived all my life then would continue even now. Of my playmates, I was the undisputed leader, although I was the youngest. I knew no fear and everyone spoilt and petted me so. I can not blame them for letting think that I was to be happy forever.
Then I came here.
I soon learned that my laughter was only appropriate only in the silence of my mind. My smiles became collateral to exchange for the love that I missed for and yearned. Inadvertently, my parents and their friends taught me to sell myself for the affection I craved. Who will pay me with a hug? Only seven and already a practiced whore. My smiles became more brittle and I soon forgot what they once meant.
I was only a child. I am still, only a child. Unlike what Hollywood would make you think, these events did not shatter me, I did not realize that I was losing parts of myself. And even if I did, are these not the events that make us grow? This is how we become adults. Our childhood joys are stripped off, piece by piece, replaced by ideas and concepts that try to fill these voids of happiness.
School commenced and my smiles disappeared altogether; my laughter louder. Louder to drown out the taunts of the little girls who were white and blonde and not Chinese. Louder to fill the loneliness that filled me. Louder to convince myself that I was happy and well adjusted. Louder to convince my grandparents not to weep. Louder to assure my parents that they are good parents. Louder and louder.
Louder to drown out the smiles that would not come.
Too young am I to bury my friends. I have gone to more funerals then to weddings. There is something wrong, and yet, they persist in dying. Leaving me alone.
Each funeral, the somber discomfort the living always have had for the sick or dead. A choked laugh that turns into a sob. A sad, tragic smile that tries to hide the relief that the service is almost over. Already the feeling of distance settles over everyone. The sense that he...he has already been gone for a long, long time, and only now, do we realize it. The brisk wind distracts from the thudding noise the dirt makes as it hits the coffin...
Am I bitter?
I suppose I am. But I would not trade in my pain for the joys of a perfect life. My scars are my own and I have nothing left to be proud of, but these. Wounds and pain that have shaped me. These are my own secret treasures. This, I will not share with you. This is wholly mine.
Lifting my head high and laughing loudly, dancing across the sky, engulfing the world with the sound of my laughter. Laugh! Laugh!
Then, only in the silence of friendship. Alone, you and I, can I share with you my pain. Your cold sharpness, pressed against my flesh, keeping me on fire. Oh, how eager you are! Can you feel my heart race? Only now can I reveal myself fully. And smile.