suicide

{This was written for as an article for HYPE e-zine}

           When I hear the word suicide several thoughts and memories fill my mind. Sometimes it's so strong that I actually begin to cry, thinking about how I really was so suicidal and would have thought nothing if I were to just fall over dead. In fact, I used to want to die.
           My feelings didn't just come out of one day of being looked over or being left out. Rather it came from several months of people being rude toward me. And it wasn't just my friends at school. (friends? I didn't have any..so, more like peers) It was everyone, my own family (who, although they had no idea, only helped me fall deeper and deeper into this disgusting trap.).
           I probably started getting depressed and suicidal mostly because of one person. A guy in my 7th grade class named Jason. He made fun of me every day and every chance he got. Which, believe me, was pretty often. I have one clear memory of what he said to me. We were sitting in Science class when the teacher left for a moment when he stated "I wouldn't want to look like some people in this room." Everyone, including me, knew he was referring to me. I laughed it off on the outside, but on the inside it was like I was dying.
           That, in and of itself was not the cause of my depression. In fact, it was probably one of the less determining factors. The most determining factors were things I could not control. They were 1. gym class 2. my looks 3. my personality.
           I am not exactly what you would call an athletic person. I am fat, slow, and extremely weak for my size. When we played games that teams were chosen I was always the last one picked. Even the girls were chosen before I was. It was almost as if they were fighting to see who had to have me on their team. Needless to say I didn't enjoy gym class.
           Anyone who has seen me can pretty much testify to that fact that I am not a very attractive person. I am fat. Needless to say that led me to be very left out and made fun of by everyone. I was ALONE. I mean alone. Here was my daily routine: get up, go to school, eat lunch alone in front of school, and then go home after school and not leave house until next morning. I had no friends, and no life. This also is because of the next factor.
           my personality. The main aspect of my personality that got me so looked down upon and lacking of friendship is the fact that I am shy. This led to me to stay by myself when I was by myself, rather than going out and trying to get a friend. Sometimes I am not a pleasant person...
           forget the reasons. How did it feel? Well, I can summarize it with a poem that I wrote when I was in this state:

the pain lies deep in me
pitted in the bottom of my stomach
like a heavy ball of granite
ripping my chest apart.

Pretty disgusting thought, isn't it? Well, that is an accurate reflection of how I felt. As I often say, I don't write anything I don't mean.
           I carried this hate for self around for years. It was a constant thorn in my side. It still is a thorn in my side sometimes. But, mostly, I've overcome it or founds ways of expression...

           So, how did I overcome such a devastating depression? I would like to say it was all God and that when I met Him that He took away my depression, but that isn't entirely true. Yes, He was a part of the way I got over it, but He wasn't the only reason. (I know that is probably shocking some people now...but please don't judge me and read on) Besides God the 2 major things that have helped me overcome how I felt were 1. My sister, Sarah and 2. my poetry.
           My sister was my one true friend during my suicidal years. I could talk to her about anything and everything with such ease that sometimes I think I was stupid to trust her so much. But, lucky for me, she is as dependable as anyone I've ever known. (more dependable) Anyway, I remember discussing how I felt with her one day in her room. I kept telling her "I am ugly" and she disagreed. When finally my other older sister, Becki, burst into the room. I don't remember exactly what she said but it made me feel REALLY bad. I ran to my bed crying. And guess what. Sarah followed me to my room and sat next to the bed until I was done crying...and she was there to comfort me. I'm so glad she was there, because if she hadn't..that might have been my last night. I was so on the verge of suicide at that point that Becki's comment was all I would have needed to push me over the edge.
           That is not the only time that Sarah and I ever talked about my feelings or about anything. I talked to her often. I remember several days of sitting around and talking about nothing in particular. And if it weren't for all those times of sitting and talking about nothing, if it weren't for knowing that she cared, killing myself might have been a little easier. So, Thank you Sarah!
           Any of you that know me know that I write poetry, and that I write a lot of it. This was the time when I first started writing poetry. My english teacher had the class write like 10 poems and I enjoyed it so much that poetry became a constant part of my life. Many of the poems I wrote during this time reflected very accurately described the way I felt. Many of my poems had lines like "Kill me, take me where I want to be" and "I want to die" and such things. I even had one that said "I love death." So, poetry was a constant way for me to express the way I felt...without judgement or rehash from someone else.
           So, how did poetry help me overcome suicidal tendencies? Simple. It helped me express the emotions; which therefore helped me to control them. Sometimes all feelings need is a place of expression and then they leave. But, as everyone else, when I was depressed I had no idea that this feeling would go away when you wrote it out. So, poetry was a big help in helping me to control the emotion of suicidal feelings.

           But, not always did they leave. In fact, I would probably maybe even go so far as to say that nothing makes them go away. Nothing physical anyway. Sometimes the feelings just come so strong that the only thing one can do is to bow your head and cry out to God...tell Him how the pain hurts. Tell Him how you feel. I guarentee that telling someone who can do something about it makes a world of difference in how you feel.

           Well, now that I've let you know about what I went through I'd like to offer you a few pieces of advice if you are feeling down. 1. talk to someone, 2. talk to God, and 3. find an expression of your pain.

1. talk to someone

           You will never know how much just letting someone know how you feel will make you, yourself feel better. I know that every time I felt really down it made me feel so much better when I talked with someone about how I felt. Rest assured that there are people who do care about you and are willing to talk to you. If you can't find someone else..e-mail me..and I'll be glad to help you in any way I can. Whether it is talking or discussing. I will do everything I can to let you know I care. So, when feeling down, talk to someone you trust.

2. talk to God

           I cannot stress this enough. The importance of a relationship with God is not only important in helping overcome the monster but also for everything else in life. He is the one way to escape eternal damnation; which, by the way, is where satan wants to take you when he tells you to kill yourself. I can guarentee you from experience that God will help you overcome your emotions. Rather than you just letting them rule you. Jesus is the only REAL answer to depression or suicidal feelings. Any other solution is temporary.

3. find an expression of your pain

           Whether it is writing, painting, talking, or any other type of hobby, it is very important that you find a way to express the pain that you feel. You don't have to show anyone or anything. But, just let it be a private expression of pain. You can't realize how much easier it is to bear something after you've expressed how you feel, just something about expressing it that makes it feel better. So, I would advise you to do this all the time. In every area of life. You won't believe the difference it makes.

           Anyway, so what was my purpose of writing this? I was trying to, and hope I did, accomplish 2 things. 1. Let you know I know how you feel when you feel sad and 2. Let you know of some ways to combat the pain. I'll be praying for you! E-mail me if there is ever anything that I can do for you....

Written by:
Me


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