My testimony
           I just heard a testimony given by one of the youth leaders and I feel really compelled by the Lord to share mine. I hope to be able to share it at my youth group, but for right now I will share it with you.
           I grew up in a normal Christian home. My parents weren't married young nor did they have any other problems that a lot of families have now. I grew up with the Christian faith as the standard. I only listened to Christian music and had all the other restrictions that come from being raised in a Christian home.
           Some people could have said that I didn't really have a testimony. People could even, maybe, say it now. For I have 1. Never had sex and won't until marriage 2. Never drunk alcohol and never done drugs and never will. Most people would say, "then what were you delivered from?" Just listen.
           Well, throughout my life I have struggled with 2 things. Two main areas where I have fallen short at. I have struggled with sexual perversion (Pornography and lust) and depression.
           When I was in the 6th grade, in the Boy Scouts, I saw my first Porno magazine. It didn't really excite me that much, but it did plant some images in my mind that the devil used at a later date to get me to get my hands on some more porno. When I was in the 7th grade is where the problem really hit the hardest. I started getting more and more (won't tell you where or how I got them) pornography magazines. I would look at them every night and hide them under my pillow. (of course my parents found them a couple of times...but that never seemed to stop me) I was ADDICTED, literally, to pornography. I would make promises to God and myself to stop but then I would just fall back again. Eventually I stopped getting these porno mags.
           The most devastating effect of pornography was not the actual looking at the pictures, rather it was role playing. Putting myself in the picture...etc..etc. It left a scar in me. Even now I struggle with lusting. Every once in a while I catch myself looking at a female the wrong way. It is at that point that I have learned to immediatelly bow my head and pray for God to give me strength and to help me take my mind off it. Sometimes I have to go as far as David did, to actually run from the problem. God has helped me control this problem, but it is still an area I struggle with every once in a while.
           I first started getting depressed when I was in the 7th grade. The main reason that this depression hit so hard was because of this kid who I had in several of my classes. His name was Jason. Jason said something to me or about me EVERY day. Every opportunity he had to tear me down, he took it. Mostly he critisised my weight. I begin to take what he said seriously. I begin to draw back into my own world and wouldn't talk to hardly anyone for any reason (I mean my reading teacher was happy if she got 1 word from me during the class...that is how drawn back I became). Even when people would ask me questions I wouldn't answer for fear that someone would make fun of my answer. I had grown so accustomed to his remarks that when he said something I personally took it to heart as being true about me.
           I was not depressed in the 7th grade. I was SUICIDAL. I mean literally suicidal. Seriously contemplating suicide SUICIDAL. I was in pain. And I felt like no one could help me. Some of my poems reflect this "Kill me, take me where I want to be", "I want to die...", and even one that went into details of some ways that I could be killed and I ended with "I don't care how, just do it now". That's how suicidal I was. Had it not been for God, my sister, and my poetry, I probably would not be alive today. I was that close to killing myself.
           The depression and sucidal feelings that I had when I was in jr. high left a major mark upon my sr. high years. I still was very shy and wouldn't talk much to anyone. I still had a lingering fear that someone would make fun of what I said. I thank the Lord that I have been able to shake this off. I can talk much more to people now then I ever could before. I actually talk. (some people use this type of joke on me because I am so quiet.) Anyway, I thank the Lord that he was able to give me enough security in Him to not really care what other people thought. Without God, I wouldn't even be writing this now. I wouldn't be breathing right now. God is everything to me. He has saved me from myself.
           What I hoped to accomplish by writing this is to 1. Let you know that I understand the pain that yall go through because I went through it myself and 2. That God understands even better than I ever could, and He loves you.

Written by:
me


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