8 June, 1997

Why is it so easy to believe the lies? I cling to them, return to them when things get too rough. The School told me that the other Kids would always be there. Always understand. Always be my friends, my family. And this huge chunk of me wants so desperately to believe that it's so. But Pariah knows better. Pariah knows they lied. She keeps track of them, tallies and weighs and compiles the figures. She remembers how Nina was when I called. And how Steve was. And how Lucien was. And Pariah shows me the scorecard! She insists that I look at it. But I won't listen to her. I push her aside. Don't want to hear what I already know is true.

After Lisa told me they're sending her brother-in-law to Sister School, I fell apart. The old lie looked so inviting, so comforting and nurturing, that I ran into its arms. I called one of The Kids. I called Jared.

I am such a whining stupid baby. I fall down, skin my knee, and cry for Mommy.

Somewhere in the middle of the conversation, for some unknown and ungodly reason, I gave Jared the url to this site. What I was thinking, what drug I was on, I do not know. Maybe Pariah has had it. Maybe she's ready to face them.

Maybe she's trying to tell me that I'm ready.

Come hell and damnation (I've seen your faces before, old friends), I'm not taking the site down. Let the games begin, folks. Get ready to rhumba, or something.