With a trembling pen in hand
I try the best I can
To write out all the reasons I can't stay
And I hope she'll understand
I can't leave her like a man
'Cause a man would never leave her this way.
With a trembling pen in hand
I try the best I can
To write out all the reasons I can't stay
And I hope she'll understand
I can't leave her like a man
'Cause a man would never leave her this way.
Joey set his pen down and looked at the paper in his hand. Tears clouded his vision as he raised his head to look at the girl still fast asleep in bed. He could still remember the first time he'd seen her, at a meet and greet session after a concert.
**Flashback**
Joey glanced up after signing yet another autograph. His eyes landed on the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen, and his breath caught in his throat. Her silky auburn hair flowed to just past her shoulders, where it curled under slightly. She was saying something to a little girl of seven or eight beside her. The child answered her, and she looked up laughing. Joey was mesmerized by her bright emerald eyes. He watched at they lit up, sparkling again with laughter at the words of the girl beside her. He smiled at her as he caught her eye, then tried to pay attention to the twelve year old beside him, who was convinced she would marry him. His mind rapidly returned to the beautiful girl he'd seen. He hoped feverishly that she'd want an autograph too, for he had a sudden burning desire to learn her name. Finally, he was able to move toward her and the child. He raised his brown eyes to meet hers, and smiled.
"Hi. What's your name?" he asked casually, pen in hand.
"Oh, no." she answered, blushing. "The autograph is for my cousin here. Her name is Amanda."
Joey nodded, trying to hide his disappointment as he signed Amanda's ticket stub. "Here you go Amanda, I hope you liked the concert."
Amanda's light blue eyes lit up, and she grined happily as the star spoke to her. "Yes! I loved it!"
Joey couldn't help but grin back at her. "I'm glad. Now, why don't you see if you can sweet-talk Justin over there into giving you his autograph as well?"
Amanda's grin became even bigger, and she walked the short distance over to Justin. The two older people watched as the curly-haired singer knelt down next to Amanda to talk with her. Amanda glanced over at her cousin, looking like she would die of happiness.
The girl next to Joey laughed. "Thanks, Joey. You just made her day. Justin is her favorite. In fact, she was telling me just a few minutes ago that if she got to talk to him, she would tell him that she's named her rabbit "Bounce" after him."
Joey laughed as well. "Really? Wow, that's one that even Justin hasn't heard before. I'm sure he'll be very flattered." The girl smiled again and began to walk away. Joey reached his arm out quickly and lightly touched her arm. "Wait, please. You never did tell me your name."
She looked wary for a moment, then smiled again. "It's Michelle."
"Well, Michelle," Joey smiled gently. "Would you care to go to the after-party with me? Amanda is more than welcome as well. I wouldn't mind having two beautiful dates tonight."
Michelle thought for a moment, then looked back up at him and grinned. "I guess I'd better ask Amanda first, though I'm pretty sure I already know what her answer is going to be."
Joey smiled to himself, watching her walk towards Justin and Amanda. He knew that this girl was different from any of the others he'd dated, and he was looking forward to getting to know her better.
**End Flashback**
Joey knew his first impression of Michelle had been right. During the last two months, they had manged to stay together, even with Joey's rigorous touring schedule. His phone bills had skyrocketed, but he had always felt that she was well worth it. He sat down for a moment to calm the emotions that were rapidly getting the better of him and forced the thoughts out of his head. He had to leave. He knew that now. He didn't want to leave her, but he didn't have a choice.
He glanced at the clock on the headboard: 2:53 a.m. Joey knew it was time. He slowly walked over to her sleeping form on the bed, tears now streaming continuously down his face. He gently leaned over to kiss her forehead, watching as her face wrinkled up slightly then relaxed back into a smile. He lay the note beside her head and turned to walk back to the door. There, he paused and looked back at her. Michelle. His Michelle. Sorrow drowned out his features.
"I'm sorry, Michelle. I'm so sorry." he whispered, then picked up his bag and walked out the door and out of her life.
Joey got into his car and drove out of the apartment complex. He quickly drove back to his hotel, where he slipped into his room silently, thankful that it was his turn for a single room. Part of him was angry that the tour had stopped in her hometown. If they hadn't stopped, Joey knew he would never had left her. Another part of him was grateful though. He knew he couldn't have kept it up much longer. He was Joey Fatone, *N Sync's number one flirt. Everyone would have been shocked to know he'd had a steady girlfriend for two months now. Even his bandmates hadn't been able to believe he had taken himself out of circulation. Now, he was back to being himself. Back to the flirt, the one who hit on every girl within a five mile range. He sighed and sat down on the bed.
That's not me though. He thought. People don't know the real me. I hate that I'm automatically the flirt. I'm always the one who dances with every girl at the club. But that's not me. He hated to admit, even to himself, that in the last two months he'd been happier than he'd ever been before. He'd enjoyed having a girlfriend. He'd loved always having someone to talk to, someone who worried about him, and loved him for who he was and not what he was. Michelle hadn't been fazed by his star-status. She'd always treated him as an equal. And he had loved her for that. He still did. When the full realization of what he'd done hit him, he broke down and sobbed.
I can't do this to myself. Joey thought. This was the only way. This is how it had to be. She would have been hurt more in the long run if I'd waited. Joey kept rationalizing his decision, hoping eventually it would sound better. Hoping that if he told himself it was for the best enough, he'd start to believe it. He knew how hurt she'd be by his abandonment, and he hated that he would be the cause of her pain, but he convinced himself that this was the way it had to be. They could never be together. The fans wouldn't allow it. Management certainly wouldn't allow it. Six-thirty rolled round before he was ready, and he sighed deeply again, gathering his things to head for the bus.
As he joined his bandmates on the bus, he noticed the looks of concern they exchanged at his haggard appearence. Joey hadn't told anyone what he was planning. None of them knew that he had broken it off with Michelle. Still, he knew they'd be glad that Joey was single again. Joey knew that they liked it when he flirted with all the girls. That had become the norm. They'd seemed uncomfortable when he'd changed. Joey sighed yet again. At least someone will be happy. I just wish I could have been able to tell Michelle how I feel about her before.
**Flashback**
"Joey?"
Joey looked up, startled when Michelle gently shook his arm. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"It wasn't important." Michelle said quickly, looking worried. "Joey? Are you all right? You've been so preoccupied lately. Is anything wrong?"
Joey smiled at his girlfriend. She's so sweet. He thought. She's always worrying about me. "Yeah, Mich, I'm fine. I was just thinking."
"About what?"
"Nothing. Don't worry about me." Joey smiled and hugged her, once again hiding his feelings and biting his lip to keep from reveaing how he really felt about her. He loved her with all his heart, but he just couldn't seem to bring himself to say the words to her.
"I love you, Joey." she whispered to him.
Joey smiled again. "Ditto, Mich. Ditto."
**End Flashback**
Joey groaned softly, and headed to his bunk before he lost the battle to keep his tears in check. He arrived just in time. The tears fell as he shut the curtain and turned his head to the wall. He thought of what he'd written in his note. At least she'll know I did love her. He thought. And that I didn't want to leave. I should have told her in person, but I couldn't face her. Joey knew he wouldn't have been able to take her tears. The look of grief and loss that he knew would be in her eyes as she realized he was leaving her.
Joey shook his head again, confirming his original idea. This was the right thing to do. It was better to end their relationship now than to try to keep it going. He knew she would get tired of trying to be his girlfriend. She'd tire of the endless tours, the sceaming girls throwing themselves at him, and the long nights not knowing exactly where he was. He knew that she'd eventually lose trust and end it anyway, thinking he was cheating. His heart broke yet again at that thought. As if I could ever cheat on her. She was perfect. Once again, he broke down and sobbed, knowing he wouldn't see or hear from her again when she realized he'd left. He knew that by the time she awoke, he'd be near Chicago, and far from her. I did the right thing. He thought again, trying to reassure himself. I did the right thing.
Lord, I don't want to be here in the morning
When she wakes up and finds me gone
**Lyrics to "When She Wakes Up and Finds Me Gone" sung by Tim McGraw.**