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| 'Thinking about it...it's like the Hindenburg disaster all over again!"
said Dr Ellen Drinston last night after a freak accident occurred in a
hospital in Leeds.
An unidentified man had been admitted with abdominal pains after two weeks on the newest dieting craze; the fat-burner diet. The man had been eating a specially prepared vegetable soup for a fortnight when he developed the agonizing pain. Upon arriving at the hospital, he was prepared for a rectal examination. However, when Dr Drinston arrive on the scene and started the examination, a spark of static electricity passed between doctor and patience. This spark ignited the gas which had built up in the patience's colon and caused him so much pain. The blast propelled the man through the third floor window, where he fell to his death. Dr's have warned anyone doing the fat-burner diet to do regular floor-swatting exercises to relieve trapped wind. |
Many residents from Bedwas, South Wales were confused by a ghostly
vision in white. The 'Bedwas Spectre' as it became known was a woman on
horseback, who often appeared to walkers on the mountain over-looking the
village. One terrified witness told us that the vision was making strange
movements with its arms and wailing the famous country and western song,
'Stand By Your Man'.
It was discovered, however, that this ghoulish sight was actually nothing supernatural, but a local woman practising her Tai Chi whilst on horseback. 'Well, laaav,' said the woman, who wishes to remain anonymous for obvious reasons. "I'm sooo busy, you see, it's the only time I get, is when I'm riding my horse...I didn't know there was a law against doing it in public!' |
Maud Grimshaw of Dudley in Birmingham awoke last Monday to discover
that her pampered pussy Ignatious had coughed up an unusually large fur-ball.
Under closer examination, Mrs Grimshaw made a starling discovery.
"Well," Said Mrs G. "I was poking at this ball of hair....I thought it might another cat that Iggy had eaten...he has a good appetite...Anyway, it was at that moment I discovered that it was my late husband's toupee!" "You see he had urges well beyond his years and he'd been mucking around with Mavis Grimes from the Coach and Horses Public House...Well, when he lost his hair-piece he wouldn't go out, couldn't let precious Mavis see him without his rug! So he stayed in, whilst I went to bingo." It has been five years since Mrs Grimshaw's house exploded. An enquiry concluded that a gas leak had caused the explosion killing Stanley Grimshaw who was impaled on a lamp post across the street. "So you see," Mrs G. continued. "It sort of solved a mystery for me...Iggy must have eaten my husband's wig before going out to play...Just think my Stan could be here today if my Iggy hadn't of been so greedy." "I love my Ignatious...He's recently discovered an appetite for diamond engagement rings...just like that one Mavis Grimes wears on her wedding finger." |
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| A teenager from London says that he is going to sue his parents for
mental cruelty. He gave his reasons for the legal action as: "I used to
think I was an alien, left on this planet to research the ultimate weirdness...my
family, but now I know they were just being cruel."
When asked in what ways his family had displayed this cruelty, he replied, "My mother made me watch Ghandi when I was very young and as if that was not enough, my brother pushed me down the stairs on a baby walker." The boys father was at court today...he commented, "Once the phone bills been paid, he can have what's left over!"
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Overzealous zoo keeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant
Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs
and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly -- and suffocated
the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. "It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen." |
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| Two teenage boys from Poole, Dorset were thanked by police for helping
them to catch a notorious shoplifter. Ben Smythe and Harry O'Vella were
playing a practical joke at the Tesco store in central Poole.
They had concealed a tiny speaker in a frozen chicken and, from a vantage point in the next aisle, they were making "cluck cluck" noises into a microphone at passing customers. To their surprise, a 'strange, old woman' came up to the frozen section and shoved the chicken up her jumper. The boys bided their time, waiting until the thief was at the checkout, paying for a box of economy tea bags, when they shouted into their mic. "Help! Help! I'm being chicken napped! Cluck Cluck Cluck!" The startled cashier alerted security, as the villain ran off, Ben and Harry in hot pursuit, all the while making stranger and stranger animal noises. Eventually the culprit was captured and arrested. A police spokesperson said later. "Having interviewed the prisoner for some time, she squawked!" |
Aircraft pilots flying over eastern England were puzzled
at a strange message they picked up on the radios. The message, using morse
code, repeated the words 'SOS...ants in hair...help me'.
It was later discovered that a woman from Diss , Norfolk had been savaged by what see thought to be mutant flying ants and sent the message on pirate radio equipment. The woman who has to remain anonymous for legal reasons said, "I've been worried about nuclear radiation for many many years, ever since a trip to Cornwall left me with aggressive wind...when the ants found their way into my hair I assumed they must be mutants...like that mutant lizard in America a few weeks back!" The woman's husband was charged with owning illegal transmission equipment and fined £100. The judge said..."I am showing mercy, as I believe your wife has just started a fat-burning diet...and that is punishment enough." |
Reconstruction of Mrs X sending morse message from illicit equipment...please
note the ants in the picture are fictitious and bear no resemblance to
any real ants, living, dead, or washed down the plug hole by Mrs X.
All the above items are completely true, however, certain identities have been disclosed and various place names and time periods changed. Many facts have been exagerated for dramatic licence and the rest only ever happened in the sick, depraved minds of this page's author. |
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