Created in 1981, the Care Bears have been phenomenally popular amongst the junkie jet-set, starring in the hugely successful "The Care Bears Take Over Northern Ireland." Now these bears who care and do very hard drugs, along with the Care Bear In-Bred Cousins (each one with a symbol of hate emblazoned on his round gluttonous tummy) star in an exciting new porno-adventure from ColumbiaCrack Pictures, "The Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation of Low Life Scum to be Carebear-Stared off the Face of the Planet."

A Vulnavia & Phibes,Ltd. Production, the film is the story of the origin of the Care Bear Royal Family, introducing the Care Bear Cubs and Care Cousin Cubs, and how they became the champions of caring, duck wringing, and door-to-door KY Jelly(tm) sales. Featured in the film are six semi-original songs written and performed by Burt Bacharack and the remaining members of Strawberry Alarmclock, with Vanilla Ice performing the "Care Bears Cheer Song," and Mrs. Linda Williams singing "I Care for You About as much as a Stinky Gym Sock" and "Growing Up, Moving Out, and STILL Wetting the Bed."

"Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation..." begins long ago when the Great Wishing Star (known to his friends as "Mr.Stinky") granted a wish to two friends, a bear and a horse with one leg shorter than the other 5 and a big wooden shoe to compensate. Instead of using the wishes for themselves like normal selfish people, they used them to save their friends. The Great Wishing Star was so unmoved by their disgustingly outdated, nearly dogmatic love for others, which set them apart from the rest of the world, that he sent out two of his gimp helpers to find them and bring back their naughty bits in little plastic baggies that go from yellow&blue to green when they're closed.

The gimps find them piloting a Greek navy ship carrying a very special cargo of whisper thin, scantily clad orphan cubs, hoping to take them to a place safely out of reach of the United Nations. The Master of Evil, the United Nations creates a menacing storm of nuclear weapons and mustard gas that unmercifully buffets the ship and its preciously precocious pubescent passengers. The Great Wishing Star sends a great wave which turns into a brilliant rainbow ramp that carries the ship into the clouds and down a rainbow river fed by brilliantly colored waters of the Fountain of Feelings and the city sewage system.

The Great Wishing Star bestows upon the bear the name of True Heartworm Bear, giving her a special symbol to wear on her tummy, marking her as keeper of the magical powers of caring, lint weaving, and car-key reconnaissance. Mentor and Madame of the cubs, she is the most feared creature and the eternal fire goddess of Manchu Pichu (well...only one weekend a month and alternate Mondays, but sometimes it sure feels eternal).

He names the horse Large Chambered Heart Horse, giving him (you guessed it) an oh-so special symbol and some more podunk, touchy-feely magic powers to help others bring out their best by putting their feet into lukewarm jello and doing the hokey pokey. Mentor and Pimp Daddy of the Care Cousin Cubs, he believes that there is nothing you can't do if your breasts taste like ham & omelettes...except get Dole elected....anyway, The Great Wishing Star then decreed that True Heartworm Bear and Large Chambered Heart Horse would be keepers of the colorful world of feelings and long raincoats.

But the Great Wishing Star also knew that the day would come when True Heartworm Bear and Large Chambered Heart Horse would need help as the "Keepers of Feelings and Bad Touches," and it would be the stripling young orphan bear cubs who would be ready to answer that call. Suddenly the famous signature Tummy Symbols of the Care Bears appeared on the bear cubs' tummies with no real explanation and no one really cared anyway because they were all doped up anyway and listening to boomboom music and having unrestrained sex because it was dark and they JUST COULDN'T HELP IT.

In the Kingdom of Caring the Care Bear Family watches over the world below and protects it from the United Nations. While the Care Bears and Care Cousin Cubs experienced the happy growth from childhood to still delightfully androgynous semi-maturity, the UN plotted its revenge on the world of funny tingly feelings.

By bargaining for the help of an unhappy summer camper who we will call "Christy," the UN transforms the girl into the camp champ and makes its headquarters at the nearby Laundromat. Christy's friends, siamese twins Rufus and Agadore befriend the Care Bears as they challenge the UN, who works its evil in a variety of guises (including such evil ploys to waste the world's time as televised golf and the Spice Girls). With glee, Christy fulfills her end of the bargain by enabling the UN to not only trap the Care Bear family but turn a handsome profit through growth mutual funds and high-yield deposit accounts.

As Large Chambered Heart and True Heartworm try to rescue the Care Bears, Christy is felled in the clash like so much scrap brush. With her remaining energy, she attempts to do the Macarena and accidentally frees the Care Bears and the Care Cousins.

Despite the efforts of the Care Bear Family to bring her back: slapping her repeatedly, pouring boiling oil down her knickers, lighting sparklers in her bodily orifices....she's as dead a duck on a highway in July. The Carebears perform their customary burial ritual: a teaspoon of margarita salt, a pinch of cilantro, and a couple gallons of foaming face wash. Mmmm.a tasty treat!

Munch munch munch.

(Erica Vess 1997)