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(Continued from page 2)
could. But don't feel sorry for me... it made the leap of CTY ever more spectacular to me.
During the course of the past three summers, I've put it behind me, and with the past session,
and the past month and a half, I've firmly shut the door on it. But that course of the story will
come later.
Ò
I loved CTY. I loved everything about it; from mandatory fun, criticizing the rain policy,
reveling in my writing, and having freedom of free time, to eating strange concoctions of salad,
fooling around on others' laptops, recording Darth Vader voices, and even doing laundry. I
danced my first slow dance with a friend named Terri (the rumors are true: you CAN learn on
the spot. It's probably an instinct or something.), my first social circle numbering more than five
friends. Sad, but nevertheless, the truth. I had a wonderful first girlfriend there; Jen Batisti. I
truly loved her, with all my heart and soul.
But, having zero experience with social groups, I mimicked what I observed from Cherry Hill,
NJ. I thought of everything in terms of Cherry Hill. Something that I'll regret forever, but still
something that had an indirect hand in helping my find myself.
I lied. Like hell, to the best friends I'd ever had. About my social life, about my love life, about
my past. Which didn't seem so bad at the time. I knew it was wrong, but I did it, not knowing
the tangle I'd have to undo may be a complete severing.
I realize that to live Life, I have to come clean before I lose the chance. Sure, it may mean
severing bonds that will throw me away from those friends that I love so dearly; I may even
lob off a piece of my heart in the process. But better to lose the limb than the whole. And I
can't keep lying, I can't let the lies of afore go on.
I lied to all those friends. About having a girlfriend back home; never happened. I thought I
needed a foundation, even if it was illusory, to stand as tall as all of you. A prop up. But it
teetered, and I've been falling ever since. I can't find the words to tell you the remorse, and
guilt, and self-loathing I've felt for the past three years, and that I still feel to this day. I should
have known that you'd accept me nevertheless. I love Yoshi, Ben, yes -Drew, Mike, Dan,
Pat, William, Ameet,... Terri, and especially, Jen. Jen, I love you, and I drove me crazy that
what we had was based on my stupid lies. Now I know it wasn't based on that, but it was
tainted, on my mind.
It was all my fault. The blame goes nowhere but right here. I deserve no sympathy, but
loathing for what I've done. Look down on me... I am deserving of nothing but that. I've ended
the inner conflict, but the solution is costly. It was part of the reason I stayed
mono-relationship throughout the year in between the first two sessions, Jen. I thought it would
be penance. But nothing can make up for it. It was part of the reason I knew it had to end the
second session at Hopkins.
I didn't know how to live without you, Jen, but I still didn't know how I could live with the
guilt. So, by breaking up at the end of JHU.1 in '95, I thought I was getting rid of the guilt,
though I was paying the price of losing you. Well, I lost you, but I still lived with the guilt. And
only recently have I learned to live with myself, and free the guilt--- to finally tell the truth.
Disgusted yet? Rightfully so. How could I let lies in where love had a place reserved? I blame
myself for not knowing any better. But, I can't deny that that guilt pushed me farther in finding
the me that was dormant, waiting patiently as all of us do, to come out and shine in out Truest
(Continued on page 4)
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