This is just a rambling thread of thoughts as today
mine are scrambled and confused,
I have been up so early today and now it seems as if
I Have been waiting for something I know will never come to me..
This is a moment of quiet desperation and if I do not write it down
I will be forever lost among the forgotten dreams and schemes of yesterday. .
Some times I feel as if I am not real,
that for the world,
I am just a speck of dust on the floor of life's great tapestry.
I want to be heard, loved petted and held through the darkest nights. .
I need to be with people.. .
I crave them like an alcoholic craves his next drink..
Is this wrong of me to need people in almost a phase of quiet desperation?

31.Me?

I am me?
What makes up a person,
Are we just a collection of thoughts and moments in time,
tied together by a common thread or are we really a living breathing body. . .
How can we tell what is real?
Am I real or am I something my mind has made up?
Perhaps Shakespeare said it best the question is to be or not to be,
that is the question?
As it is I have no answers,
but only stop here to pose the question. . .
Questions I have are many and varied,
from can I go home now to why are we here in this time and place. .??
As long as I keep asking questions
I feel I have a chance at survival,
in this world. . .

35.Dark

Dark is a gloomy word,

it seems to pull the life from me as I sit here,
and think dark and gloomy thoughts of death and destruction. .

Oft have i wondered,
if this world would be better off without me in it,
To clutter up these lives I have entered. .

But I am a coward who will not give up on life,
until the lord my god decides it is my time to leave it for whatever comes next. . .

I hate the dark that dwells in my soul,
would sometimes love to just rip and tear it out. . .

It makes me think bad and awful thoughts
of death and destruction,
for which I have no answers. .
Do all people have these thoughts?

89.I am

I am alive,
I feel the pain,
I feel the joy that living day to day brings,
I would not change this for the world,
I am me, sometimes I am not nice and sometimes I am very nice. . .
I am myself most of all,
I have such a fine time playing across life's great playground,
stopping briefly to smell the flowers but always coming back to myself-I am!

I am an interesting person,
I never walk the same way twice,
a contrary streak runs down the middle of my mind.
I am and I am enjoying life to the fullest,
Its fun to live on the edge of the world,
you see things in a different light. . . .
I am true to me, made a promise to be true to me!

I am alive and feeling oh so fine about myself,
I was so down, about me that I knew something had to change,
I had to stop playing the game of being as I perceived others wanted me to be.. . .
So now I am and I like myself once more,
It is a dark day when you think you have lost your self. I am!

I am, I refuse to be any different,
I am, I will be me,
as your friend,
as your lover,
as your sidekick,
as the one you can talk to,
I will never lose sight of who I am!
I have found me again and I like who I am!
But the question is can you love me for the person that I am?
So Can You Love Me?

90.Worthless

I am no-good to any one a failure,
completely with out value,
for a brief time I deluded myself that I could function as a normal human can,
but no-more,
I can't go on,
there is nothing left for me in this life,
I have made my choices and yes they are wrong,
so I must pay the price,
I only hope I can do it with grace and dignity!
I am a coward,
and have need to be strong,
oh lord hear my tortured soul,
I have suffered yes but it is of my own making,
therefore I must do what I can to atone for my wrongs,
I beseech you to hear my cry and grant me mercy,
of a painless release... . . . .

Oh lord hear my silent cry for mercy or at least a sign..
I am a sinner and I feel the pain in my heart and in my soul,
I feel the pain of the many souls trapped in silent desperation,
they are giving up, I can't give up but oh how I wish I could.
for there is nothing I hate worse than I hate myself,
oh lord grant me mercy,
or at least show me the path of atonement I must travel... . . . .

for I am the sinner. . . . . .

91.Pain

It is my comfort for if I can feel pain,
then i must still be alive,
that is not living.
If it still makes me so sad,
then all is not lost,
even though I can not find my way through the murky waters... .

I am so hurting,
please forgive me if I strike out at you,
when the pain has me in it's grasp for I know not what I do!

I have a pain so deep no-one but me has ever heard or felt it,
the years have not dulled it's ache,
it is ever present. . .

92.Things

Things have been done to me that should never be done to any woman,
I feel the pain of this so much that sometimes I can hardly stand the pain.
It has a life of it's own but controls mine so much that this is the hardest thing
I have ever written.
But some how I must write it out
so that maybe I can understand why I can not seem to get past this pain..
I have been told so many times that it will take time and I should be patient,
I cannot, I must strive to succeed, I must free myself from this demon that keeps me chained,
Fear is the demon!

I learned to fear the power men have over us as woman,
for no matter how strong we are there are men
who will turn us into victims and glory in our pain and hurt us more no matter what we do!
I know that it is not my fault, what happened to me,
but still I think I could have, should have tried to stop him,
but I could not and was so very helpless, that I to this day can't for give myself. .
I know I did no wrong, but still I blame myself... .

I am so dumb that I did not see what was happening until after it was done to me..
I am afraid of men and man, I will probably always be this way,
I am going backwards 2 steps for every inch forward
I claw out of the pit from which I see no escape. . .
Like the scars upon my body, the scars on my mind are deeper still,
and they refuse to heal. . .
There is no magic potion I take, no miracle cure for me,
only pain that is driving me stark raving mad,
I have trouble dealing in reality, oh the wild cry of pain is mine,
as the pain in my mind becomes to much for me to ever handle.. . .

I thought I was a strong person He proved that I could be broken,
I am still broken, and I do not believe that I can face the chance
of ever letting a man that close to me again, the pain,
in my soul is neverending, always present forever raw are the nerves. . .
I knew I was strong, but now all I know is pain and sorrow,
I can't stand the pain any more,
It is to much for me to exist in this manner, my nerves are hurting,
my brain is on fire with the pain,
I have nothing to live for except my son,
where it not for him I would be dead,
there is no question of that in my mind.. . .

99.Questions??

Who am I?
Why an I here?
What am I supposed to do?
What is my purpose on this planet?
Will I be remembered for what I did or what I was?
Who will remember me?
Why will they remember me?
Who are my friends?
Where are all of my friends?
Who are my lovers?
Where am I going?
These are the questions that run through my mind each and every day,
is it any wonder that sometimes I think that I am going crazy?
Or am a normal human who asks to much of my mind?

Can you tell me your answers?
Can you explain why you answered the questions as you did?
What are your questions?
What do you think of my questions?
Can you answer them?
Questions seethe in the spaces of my mind,
they consume me and make me ask them....... . . . . .ANY QUESTIONS???