"Listening for Variables"

by Colleen Sarar

She thinks she's got things figured out
But there's a variable
     she forgot to put in her equation.
Hell, there's lots of variables
She did not find in her math book.

She declares that her ailments were self-engineered
     and melodramatic
     -- nonexistant, she says.
Sometimes she's not so sure.

She doesn't feel like staying up tonight.
She doesn't feel like listening
     not even to her own thoughts.

She wants to collapse
and dissipate into a pile of sand
and her sheets & pillow.
But the variable changes again
and she smiles and listens.

Self-assurance turns into doubt
Doubt turns into hope
and hope?
She won't analyze --
It's better that way,
She'll shake her head 
and smile.

Maybe she'll listen
Maybe not
She won't tell you one way or the other.

c. 1997