Urban Tales
My town has successfully banned smoking in all restaurants. This is a laudable victory, hard-fought, hard-won, and with many bitter words hurled from both sides. Now, smoker and non-smoker alike can dine in peace and harmony. Well, almost.
We all still have another challenge to our peaceful dining, this one still borne on the breeze and unmet. I suggest we now gird our loins to battle this last of the diner disturbances. I refer of course to the small child. Settle in, pals, and smoke 'em if ya got 'em.
Okay, this might seem controversial at first blush, even cruel, but I don't much care. I mean, think about it. What were the primary reasons smoking was booted from enclosed spaces? Here is a small list which we may compare and contrast and reason:
Smoke
goes everywhere in an enclosed space, regardless of the ventilation. So do children. Think about the noise. In
fact, let me give you a lovely image: the molar-piercing scream unique
to the small child. Sure, "cute" is an evolutionary advantage, but I'm
forced to wonder what purpose is served by this hair-jarring sound. Put
'em in their own room.
Smoke
is unappetizing. Absolutely. Who really wants to have cigarette smoke as
a side dish to their sandwich? Nobody. Not even a smoker will eat with
a cig in his/her hand. Now, you ever looked at the area around the baby
seat? What a disgusting mess. Eating is a game when you're a little kid,
food but one of the many myriad of toys available to you. Fun for baby,
not so much fun for the harried bussing staff, who don't make enough to
have to deal with this, I'm here to tell you. Babies spit out and
throw around so much food it's a wonder they get any nourishment at all.
And we all get to look at it. Don't put 'em next to me. Give 'em their
own room.
Smoking
smells bad. Yes it does! And by the way, have you ever smelled a baby with
a full load? Makes that cigarette smoke seem like dew-dropped rose petals,
doesn't it?
Smoke
is unhealthy. Yes! Research has consistently linked smoking and secondhand
smoke inhalation to disorders involving the respiratory and cardiac functions
of the body, as well as to a veritable smorgasbord of cancers. Another
factor that is consistently linked with life-endangering disorders is stress.
Ulcers, hypertension, heart disease, stroke, and possibly mental illnesses
as well, can often trace their triggers or sources to stress. And I don't
have to tell you, if you're dining next to a fussy kid, just what kind
of extra stress you're putting on your poor digestive system (we're still
in a restaurant, remember). And stress-related disorders are way
more common than those due to secondhand or firsthand smoking.
I can hear some of you whining already, or steaming up in righteous indignation:
"Whassamatta?! Don't you like children?" Actually, I do. Very much. I teach children, and I wouldn't have any other kind of work in the world (except grammy winning vocalist, but that's another essay). I find their antics and their worldview entertaining and refreshing. But I do like to have my evenings free.
"But it's a BAYYYYBEEE!" as if cuteness were an excuse for ill mannered behavior. Mind you, I'm not blaming the kids, not entirely. This is going slightly off-topic, but I have a small rant here. I cannot stand parents who expect me to fall apart with joy simply because their birth control failed. Another thing about this type of parent I find irksome is their habit of using a loaded baby carriage as a weapon. I've seen women charge into bustling traffic wielding one of these as if it were "Deflector Shields! Full Intensity!!" No, honey, not a shield: a Baby. Your job, mommy, is to protect this little bundle, not make it an excuse for your bad behavior.
And the same holds true in restaurants. Do the rest of the world a favor, and yourself too! Remember what "babysitters" were meant for, and utilize this wonderful tool on a regular basis. Then go out to eat with the rest of us.
OR...work on convincing
restaurant management(s) to polish up their defunct SMOKING sections, and
seat yourself and your delightful little people well within them.
Fluffy et al accept your MAIL but flames will be cheerfully refunded. You knew the page was dangerous when you entered it.
There's MORE to come...wanna see? Another option is to go BACK the way you came..
Or you can go HOME if that's more appealing. FLUFFY likes to see people chicken out.
To read and gasp at yet another hit against the smoking public (as well as the Rodgers & Hammerstein public), poke HERE.
June 18, 1997.