tuesday, april 1, 2003
wanted!
am in search of an emotionally unavailable guy. he should be someone who can act as though i'm the greatest thing since sliced bread - but only for the first few months. then, when that wears off, he should be someone who can not stand up and tell me that he's not interested in me any longer. possibly cry and say it's because of past relationships. however, having said all this he should be willing to just have sex with me for a few months afterwards... then when he gets a new girlfriend we should hook up one more time for old time's sake. and, if i really get my dream man... he should call me and tell me all the things he'd like to do with me still... even having the new girlfriend.
that should cover it. send inquires to jami_ly@yahoo.com
thanks!
(this is not an April Fools joke, btw)
ok, ya got me... it is an April Fools joke.. welcome to april!
wednesday, april 2, 2003
addicted
coming from someone who has never done drugs in her life - ok, i drank, but no other drugs... i'm finding out that i am an addict. i'm addicted to you. this revelation came to me this morning as i was trying to get ready... listening to Norah Jones belt out "come with me" and crying. i honestly didn't think i was going to make it today. i just wonder how i could be addicted to such a cowardly person... someone who is all those things in my april 1 entry... what the hell is tying me to you and how the hell do i cut free? if it was easy as just making up my mind i'd have done it long ago... but, it is obviously much deeper than i know. i shook it all off this morning after talking to one of my webbie friends. not because anything he said. just the talking... talking instead of crying.... and all i want from you is to talk. but i know how damaging that would be for me... so i struggle... i continue to struggle.
saturday, april 5, 2003
experiences
i don't where this came from but i thought it was where i am right now...
"Sex without love is an empty experience. But, as experiences go it's pretty nice!"
cheers!
tuesday, april 8, 2003
still addicted
i picked up the phone
not knowing it was you.
that's when the problem started
knowing it WAS you
i couldn't hang it up.
wednesday, april 9, 2003
called your bluff
or, did i call my own bluff... i don't know what i was doing. i wanted to see you - that is for sure. but, why? i don't know. i had made myself believe that this was all about you. see if you were just all talk or not. you were. but there i was... ready to see you if you would have wanted to... then say you don't want me to think that you want a relationship? who said anything about a relationship? i don't know if i'm mad, if i'm sad. i don't know what the hell to think and i dont' have anyone to talk it through with. all my friends would flip out if they knew i had agreed to meet you... jonathan? i suppose i can tell him. he knows what you are to me..... this big fat addiction. i hate it. i hate it!
so what really happened? what were you really thinking? how could i expect you to tell me? you weren't very open during our relationship. why would you be now? as i sat there listening to you..... i sensed that that was it. you'd wanted something that you couldn't let yourself have. feeling guilty? you said no. but i don't know that i believe that. i know i felt like shit. and obviously i'm still not feeling great or i wouldn't bother with this entry. i don't know. i can't sit and wait.... i deserve more respect than that even if what we are doing doesn't demand any respect at all.... God, did that make any sense? I just wish you could read this. i don't have it in me to call you or email you. i'm too afraid of what you might tell me. jonathan has told me to do these things but i can't. i am too afraid of your response.
i guess that's all......... later.
friday, april 10, 2003
what the hell am i
writing about?
"I'm With You"
I'm Standing on a bridge
I'm waitin in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
Theres nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but theres no sound
Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are
but I... I'm with you
im looking for a place
searching for a face
is anybody here i know
cause nothings going right
and everythigns a mess
and no one likes to be alone
Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are
but I... I'm with you
oh why is everything so confusing
maybe I'm just out of my mind
yea yea yea
Take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are
but I... I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm with you...
---- avril lavigne, 2003
saturday, april 19, 2003
what the hell am i
writing about?
i'm just going to leave that title for awhile..... what the hell am i writing? what am i trying to say? since i was a little girl in school it seems i've never really been able to get my point across. i'd raise my hand to answer the question and it was wrong... always wrong... eventually, like anyone else would do, i just stopped trying to answer the questions. i stopped trying to get my point across. that worked for school then. but, now, i don't have that option anymore. i have to ask questions. i have to answer questions. only i can get my point across. it's all apart of being a person i suppose.
i had some lyrics in the last entry. an avril lavigne song. i don't know if she writes her own lyrics but man! that song hit it for me. it seems like all my life i've been waiting for "you". i've looked for "you" in every place i've been. i think, at times, that maybe i've found you... but you slip away or i do.
what does any of that have to do with raising my hand in school... getting the answers wrong... getting my point across? i don't know. i wish i could go through every entry in Missing Peace (this website) and count the number of times i've said "i don't know". it'd take more than an afternoon... but it all really does tie together in it's on way... wrong answers... wrong places... wrong time. i did learn to raise my hand again - so to speak. it's been a very tough process trying to get my point across. but i'm making it through. and, i suppose finding "you" is equally tough. but i'm working on it...
had some lyrics i was going to put in here today.. don't guess they fit too well. instead, i'm going way out on a limb and leaving you with this thought... as religious as it may be.
Therefore we do not lose heart.
Though outwardly we are wasting
away, yet inwardly we are being
renewed day by day. For our light
and momentary troubles are
achieving for us an eternal glory that
far outweighs them all. So we fix our
eyes not on what is seen, but on
what is unseen. For what is seen is
temporary, but what is unseen is
eternal
II Corinthians 4:16-18
thursday, april 24, 2003
no title
this fits in with my theme of knowing there is someone out there... knowing but not knowing... maybe it's just a boy theme. several times this week i found myself talking to someone about the relationships i've been in. i don't think it's so coincidental. i think someone - somewhere is trying to get me to really think about what i want... what i need... what i can live without... or more appropriately WHO i can live without. three very different people with the same advice... the song below is fun. if you get the chance you should pick up the cd. it is really great. guess that's all i got for today... take care - talk soon
Just an Ordinary Day
---- Vanessa Carlton
Just a day,
Just an ordinary day.
Just tryin to get by.
Just a
boy,
Just an ordinary boy.
But he was looking to the sky.
And as he
asked if i would come along
I started to realize-
That everyday you find
Just what he's looking for,
Like a shooting star he shines.
He
said take my hand,
Live while you can
Don't you see your dreams right in
the palm of your hand?
he spoke ordinary words
Although they did not feel
For I felt
what I had not felt
before
You'd swear those words could heal.
And as I looked up into those eyes
His vision borrows mine.
And to know he's no stranger,
For I feel
I've held him for all of time.
And he said take my hand,
Live while
you can
Don't you see your dreams right in the palm of your hand
in the
pal of your hand.
Please come with me,
See what I see.
Touch the
stars for
time will not flee.
Time will not flee.
And you must
be
Just a dream, just an ordinary dream.
As I wake in bed
And the
boy, that boy, that ordinary boy.
Or was it all in my head?
Did he asked
if I would come along
It all seemed so real.
But as i looked to the
door,
I saw that boy standing there with a deal.
And he said
take my hand,
Live while you can,
Don't you see your dreams
right in the
palm of your hand
right in the palm of your hand,
right in the palm of
your hand.
Just a day, just an ordinary day
Just tryin to get
by.
Just a boy,
Just an ordinary boy.
But he was looking to the
sky.
monday, april 28, 2003
just an ordinary boy
Just a
boy,
Just an ordinary boy.
But he was looking to the sky.
And as he
asked if i would come along
I started to realize-
That everyday you find
Just what he's looking for,
Like a shooting star he shines.
He
said take my hand,
Live while you can
Don't you see your dreams right in
the palm of your hand?
he spoke ordinary words
Although they did not feel
For I felt
what I had not felt
before
You'd swear those words could heal.
it's late in the month... this entry won't be here long... no one will really know that i'm saying goodbye to someone that i've never met... oh, i know you said you'd be back... you'd find me. but i'm afraid you just told me that to keep me happy. hmmm, that's all you've ever really tried to do... make me happy. right from the beginning you'd do things, "say" things to make me smile. i can remember the day you were throwing purple polka-dotted elephants at me. i remember being slimed by your licks and those turtle rides.. oh those turtle rides... ever since then i've been happy to know right where you were... in a sense. but you aren't there anymore. the end of the month is so near... i don't know if you left last weekend... i don't know if you are going this one. i just know that it's the end of the month and i'm very afraid that it will be the end of something very special in my life as well.
Just a dream, just an ordinary dream.
As I wake in bed
And the
boy, that boy, that ordinary boy.
Or was it all in my head?
Did he asked
if I would come along
It all seemed so real.
But as i looked to the
door,
I saw that boy standing there with a deal.
And he said
take my hand,
Live while you can,
Don't you see your dreams
right in the
palm of your hand
right in the palm of your hand,
right in the palm of
your hand.
i guess i just got used to finding you there at my door... after 4 years of this... you may just disappear into the world. thank you sounds damn shallow. love you has never really been right. i guess i just don't want to even think of you going... but you are going.. you are following your dreams... she is and always has been your dream... and i've known that... it was just one of those things that attracted me to you all the more. the dedication you have for her... the very real person you've always been to me... i wish you luck. that's it! that's the right thing to say... i wish you luck - both of you actually. oh, and, well, shallow or not, thank you for being such an incredible friend in such an incredible way. i will always remember you. you will always be my turtle friend...
Turtles Return to Sea
i don't want to know
that you understand.
i can't hold on to my
pain if it's yours too
it won't cut so deep -
or, it'll cut deeper.
you aren't like me
you are my dream
living in my secret garden
you don't know depression
it doesn't exist in your world
it's mine and you make it go away
the sun rises so majestically
in your world. it sets in
vivid colors of red. In your
world we watch it set
every night. when we finish,
we watch the turtles go back to sea.
you come to me one day
to say good-bye and i'm
suddenly helpless. you've
been go kind and generous.
how can i blame you for
creating a perfect world when
i knew all along it didn't exist?
the saying 'make it real'
has never meant more to me.
if only it were possible
my garden would stay so
bright and beautiful.
closing has never been easy.
i fumble thru yards of pain and
regret. it should get better near the
end... shouldn't it?
the end is always just that
promises to always remember
dreams of doing it all again some day
we touched without feeling
while the turtles returned to sea.
august 16, 2000
note: the words in italics are from the song in yesterday's entry... the poem i wrote for you 3 years ago...