not too many people know that my screen name is Fire^Fly. i like the nick. i like brightening peoples' lives. it's one thing i think i'm actually pretty good at. lately however, i think i've been a bit lost and i can't imagine i've made too many people very happy. it's friday, duh. my spring break is over today... sunday offically i guess. i have to go back on monday. but then, in two weeks i'm off to cancun for a few days sooooo i'm going to hold on tight until i make it there. it seems like alot of people of feeling off-kilter (that was my gramma's word - don't know if it makes sense or if i spelled it right) these days. i've talked to other teachers, friends, people online. it just seems like now that it's spring suddenly everything that was working for the winter doesn't work now. it's just an adjustment, i'm sure. one that i'll make just fine. and so will my friends.
i've been desperately worried about screwing up in front of jeff's parents this week. i may have. his mom was asking questions and so i answered them. didn't want to lie or lead her on to believe that i don't have problems with depression. she sorta freaked. i was a bit surprised. she's a nurse. i guess just because you are in the medical field you don't necessarily know everything. in fact, she acted as though i had some serious contagious disease that i needed "special care" for. i tried to explain that i'm fine. i'm not sure she believed me. i guess it's just going to have to be show and tell with it with her for awhile. this might sound bad, but i'm just not to overly worried about what she thinks. she's a really nice person. i guess she's never had to deal with mental illness. it's ok. lots of people have never had to deal with it.
this entry is just not what i wanted to write. i'm not sure what i wanted to write. *shrug* guess i'm just feeling off-balance. maybe trying to get it out here will help. i'm not sure. maybe i'm just really overwhelmed about getting job here (indiana). i've been in chicago so long and have hated it for so long that i almost don't even care if i get a job right away. of course i don't know how i'll live.... but i've made it before. i'll be alright. take care - talk soon.
tuesday, april 20, 2004
4:00 am - very early
he leaned forward and kissed her. "wasn't that spectacular", he asked? she replied, "you, alone, are spectacular. kissing you, sleeping with you, would simply be something that we would do only because that's the next natural thing to do in a relationship... it would never be 'spectacular'" for me. and... she walked away.
i never walked away. i never thought that kissing them or having sex with them was simply a task. however, it was never a precursor to a relationship like i thought it was. silly as it sounds (silly is probably not the right term), i never really got that. at least until now. if only i had walked away all those times i needed to. so many "if onlys" in this life.
as for spectacular... i really believe that a relationship is what two people put into being together, enjoying eachother and working through things together. sure, the sex, the kissing... it can be spectacular... at least NOW/TODAY i can honestly sy it can. but back in college i had sex thinking it would start the relationship... not enhance it. again, so many "if onlys".
friday, april 23, 2004
late lastnight i heard
the car door slam...
paved paradise
put up a parking lot
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 16:06:30 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Ryan"
Subject: Re: hmmm
To: "jami"
hey! things are great here. this is my last week
"living" in chicago. i'm trying to get everything
packed up before the movers arrive on friday morning.
i've got boxes everywhere with more to fill.
i won't be back to chi-town for 2 or 3 weeks and
i'll be staying in a hotel when i come back for work.
that will be a change.
sounds like things are going well and getting serious
with you and jeff. congrats!
thanks for the advice, i've heard that before and
think it's great advice. hope you're doing well and
finish out the school year strong.
take care!
i opened this up. read it. and broke down sobbing. he is leaving. he's been out of my life for more than 2 years probably. he's getting married. he once called me his angel. he said, "you are my angel". and people wonder why i have such a difficult time trusting other peoples' feelings for me. i think he was actually the first guy i dated that i really thought was a good person. i'd never really tried harder to get someone of value before... he came along and suddenly i was with someone who was bright and confident and just really pure - i thought. i know that he never did anything behind my back to hurt me. in fact, it killed him to tell me that he wasn't in love with me. i saw his tears. somehow that made it all ok and i stayed with him anyway. he was my friend. i called him - he called me. he listened. he actually had mature, rational suggestions - unlike so many before. then one day in november, sensing something just wasn't right, he told me about her. we'd been apart technically... just hung out together when we wanted, i guess. so he didn't do anything, like i said. i suppose it was the best thing. i don't really think either one of us knew how to really say good bye. to part and not just be "using" eachother's company. it hurt. but it felt ok at the same time. but then the bad stuff started happening. he wanted to see me... would call and tell me how he'd be thinking of me... him... together in bed and OH how he just couldn't get that out of his head. that's when, in so much disbelief, i started to realize that he wasn't who i thought he was for that year and half or so that we were together. i absolutely would never have expected that out of him. maybe that is why i just broke down sobbing after getting this email the other night. not so much that he was leaving... but the memories of believing in a real person. ironically, he is a real person... nothing pure and perfect exists...
anonymous
"for you"
today you are leaving and
taking a piece of me with you -
just like so many have done in my past
in fact, there are so many holes
now in my soul that i'm seriously
considering just letting it go...
go bankrupt for lack of a better term
and just start over with a new one... new soul
but what about him?
should i wait and see?
i can't believe i'm asking you
what is right...
you are gone - packed up and
moved right on out of here -
happy as can be...
just like so many in my past
saturday, april 24, 2004
don't hardly know you
but i know a way to make you smile
that title just came to me because i'm listening to an alison krauss song... i really don't care about smiling right now. i found out this morning that my house is gone. my home. the place where i grew up... the place where i cried in fear of what was not really there... gone. no one really goes back home anyway - right? i did find out that a few of our long time friends wanted so badly to save it. the big red house. it was home to so many great people - an escape for them really. so this morning i'm sitting thinking about all the parites on the 4th of July... "opening day" on the lake - memorial day. "closing day" - labor day. i'm thinking of the parties i had but shouldn't have *smile*. my gramma lived across the street. that lot has been taken up by a huge 3 story garage... mamoth size. that's been there since my parents moved out in '96. it's just not there. i can't believe it. i wanted so badly to show jeff my house... it's gone. this entry is going nowhere itself. i'm just all caught up in a whirlwind of memories. funny to think how things work. my parents sold that place and moved on the same year i divorced my husband and moved on... now, as i'm trying desperately to move back "home", i find out that it's gone? he told me i wasn't coming home because it'd all be better if i did. i told him that i just wanted familiarity. hmmm. i don't wish to be sad today. but i feel like my world just becomes smaller and smaller all the time. maybe that's better... maybe not. all the things i've gathered through years i don't even have anymore. now i don't have the house to drive by and remember... so many things happened there in the 30 years that my family lived there. this is just a big ole week for goodbyes... goodbyes to things that have been gone already for such a very long time. *wave*
sunday, april 25, 2004
blessed beyound the curse
whew! it's been a really long time since i've written an entry while i was in the middle of having a panic attack. just a word of advice/understanding. during these periods my mind is racing and thoughts are coming from everywhere. i have a headache and it hurts inside... i can't catch my breath - or perhaps i just can't breath at all. it started about an hour ago. i knew it was coming. why? i didn't know that - still don't know. but i thought if i could do something physical i'd be ok. so i did my dishes. don't ask how long it's been since i've done that. i thought it would help. i put music on but the aching still existed and the tears - the tears were there but they wouldn't stream... release anything. even as i sit here right now i can't cry. instead i find it hard to breath. my eyes hurt. my head hurts. my chest hurts. and nothing - nothing seems to release any of it. i know if i could just find the right valve to open it'd all come out and i'd feel better. there isn't any sense in trying to figure out why i'm having this demon party. there isn't usually any reason that satisfies me anyway. i do know that i have dirty close that need to be washed. i have papers to fill out and mail. i have classes to prepare for.... um, is that enough? maybe. but maybe those things have nothing to do with all of this evil. i felt something happen to me at church this morning. it's the first time i've been to church or mass w/out jeff in months. the weekend has been a jeff-free weekend too. but those are reasons. what i'm most afraid of is that my medicine has begun not working again. in the past it seemed like every two or three years my meds just stop working. i was optomistic this time. i have been very optimistic! i'm not going to get sick anymore - no more hospitals. i know what my symptoms are and i can nip it all in the bud. and i here i am. i have recognized some. but i haven't done what i need to do most. i can't even sit here and look around my apartment. it's just tooo much right now for me! is this making any sense at all? it shouldn't i suppose. it's painful. that's all i really need you all to know. it's painful in a very different sense of the word. i just want to catch my breath. i just want to move on past anything that's getting in my way. instead i take the backseat and watch everything happen around me. i keep telling myself that i'm just trying to prepare for leaving this shithole. but at the same time i am not doing enough about it to leave. i'm going to keep trying. i always keep trying. and soon i'll be breathing fine - with or w/out tears i suppose. there is just sooo much to do. so much to do and i don't know how i'm ever going to get it done. and what if it really is my meds? how long is it going to take to get me back on track and am i going to have to go to the hospital to get them changed? what am i going to do? "breath jami, breath", "right here - right now", "begin with be and end with done". i could feel the pain beginning to mount as i walked out of the church that i hardly know anymore. i just don't know. it's hard to say what it is that's happening. i can try to take some medicine. it's a little early but it's probably ok. well. ok. i'm going to go now. i'd say thanks for listening but selfish as this may seem i wrote this entry only for myself. i thought it'd help. at the moment i'm not feeling any relief. maybe i'll be back tonight. perhaps i'll be fine in 5 minutes. there are no rules for these things... no norms... they are different every time. something is wrong. i know. i know i just feel the same. there's a song that says "hello, do you miss me? i hear you say ya do but not the way i'm missing you. what's new? how the weather? is it stormy where you are. cuz i'm so close but you seem so far. oh would it mean anything. if you knew what i'm left imagining. in my mind... in my mind... would you go... would you go...kiss the rain... whenever you need me... whenever i'm gone too long. kiss the rain and wait for the dawn. keep it light. we are under the same sky. and the night is as empty for you as it is for me. if you feel that you can't wait til morning, kiss the rain, kiss the rain, kiss the rain...." if i could only find it - the rain. the tears. if only i could make some sense out of something right now. good bye. i'll be back soon.